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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Selfish to ask for own space in own home??!

137 replies

Chesca345 · 05/12/2016 23:21

My other half's 5yo daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and it's killing me! We've been together 2 years, she's been coming over for just over a year. He completely dotes on her every move and she can do no wrong in his eyes (he's still feeling mega guilty for leaving her when he ended his relationship).

I have no kids of my own so I find the whole experience of suddenly having a small child in the house pretty full-on at the best of times but one thing that is completely stressing me out more than anything else is that in the mornings as soon as she wakes up she's allowed to come and get into bed with us.

It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready. I spend the whole weekend doing things with her, I just want 30 mins of 'me time' first thing!

We're usually pretty good at working through problems and finding compromises, but he just can't understand how I could be so callous as to want to tell her she can't come in until she's invited.

His side of the argument is that this time is really precious to him and he doesn't want to miss out on any of it.

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 06/12/2016 10:42

She's 5 years old. Your jealous of a child.

Get dressed and let your partner spend that extra time with his daughter.

AchyMcAcherson · 06/12/2016 10:43

We had the same 'problem' when I first moved in with my now DH. Dsd was just 5 at the time and she'd bounce into our room at 5am, fling herself into our bed and switch the tv on. It was a rude awakening.
I'd already decided that I was going to wear pyjamas on the nights we have dsd despite usually sleeping naked or in just pants and a t shirt, you definitely need to start wearing something in bed.
After several weeks of the 5 am awakening I asked DH if we could sort something out as it was starting to really annoy me and make me resent dsd. So we got her a clock. Asked her to stay in her room till 7am and asked her not to put the tv on when she came in.
That's all it takes. Talk to the child and to your partner. Explain that you know she wants cuddles and that you want her to have cuddles but that you'd like it if she could maybe delay the time slightly.
It doesn't need to be a big problem. Your dsd will come first in her dads life, and that how it should be. You will face LOTS of problems as a step parent. Don't blow this up into a problem when it shouldn't be be one.
Btw, dsd is now 11 and have to be dragged out of bed in the mornings. DH bemoans the lack of morning cuddles now.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 06/12/2016 10:44

I always felt uncomfortable with this OP. DPs DC used to jump in our bed when they were around this age. I have tried to sleeping pyjamas, I can't do it!! I've even taken them off in my sleep Confused
I spoke to DP about it he didn't see the issue and wouldn't get up and take them downstairs.
Been there and done it. Like you say, 50% of your free time and then you'll find the crap getting done on your free weekend. My DP frequently worked his 'free' weekend. Me and DC don't count and he doesn't need to spend time or do anything with us, even when he worked away all week. Being a step-parent is hard work. Would I have children with this man again? Not a chance. I'd seriously consider your options if this is something you want in the future.
Guilt always wins and his previous DC will always come first. I've seen it in my own relationship and another close family members'.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 06/12/2016 10:48

And for the ridiculous post suggesting you should leave your own bed at 5am, don't even give it head space!

Petalbird · 06/12/2016 10:49

Had this issue too cause they would try and get into our bed at 5 so we bought them a clock that changes from a star to a sun at 7.16 at this point they can come into our room so we all get enough sleep and they get cuddles win win

StefCWS · 06/12/2016 10:51

It takes a certain type of person to b a step parent, its not an easytask as you will never be your partners number 1. However, he sounds like a good dad to me and will be to any children you may have together.
either change your perspective or leave them to their relationship.. daddy and daughter bonds are amazing , dnt try to get in the way of it.

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 11:01

Ok, I thought I was implying it with as soon as she wakes up, my bad. It's not always that early of course, it varies. The point is, at the moment I get no say in when it's OK to come in. Sounds like getting a clock and agreeing on a reasonable time for her to come in should be a reasonable compromise.

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 06/12/2016 11:19

The 5am thing has changed my mind, that is too early for her to be coming into your room. I think the clock is a good compromise.

Wdigin2this · 06/12/2016 12:28

Right, Chesca you're getting a proper bashing on here, as I knew you would the minute I read your post!
So, you have choices....a) make up your mind to be as nice, welcoming and accommodating to this child when she's in your home, as you possibly can. And if that means fake it till you make it, then go for it. Or b) move out, get you own place and only see your OH when you can be the sole focus of his attention!
If you choose a), then it will mean at least one morning per weekend, accepting a bouncy child in your bed, but perhaps if she's with you two days of the weekend, her DF could take her downstairs, for play/breakfast, whilst you snooze on the second day? This choice will also mean, you need to understand, the more effort you put into his child, the more he will appreciate/love/need you, and this will make for a happier life for all! Of course I'm not suggesting you try to become a second mum, or put yourself out to ridiculous levels....but she will always be his daughter, and that will never change!
If you choose b), well you may get what you want now, but it may not last forever, so you need to give it some thought! I really wish you good luck, you sound like a nice person trying to manoeuvre your way through uncharted waters!

Wdigin2this · 06/12/2016 12:33

Hadn't seen the 5am but....far too early get her a clock which teachers her to stay in her own bed until a reasonable time!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 06/12/2016 12:37

Can you have one room on the house designated as an 'adults' room where dsd knows she needs to stay out of then you could go there if you need space?

Rochefort · 06/12/2016 12:39

The coming into bed thing sounds like a tremendous red herring. OP, it sounds as if you're resentful and jealous of a 5 year old. Not cool

Bobochic · 06/12/2016 12:42

SDC coming into your bed at 5am is not on. YANBU.

Coffeepot72 · 06/12/2016 13:07

YANBU - 5am is too early, and people shouldn't forget you're not her bio-Mum, and having someone getting into your bed, when you're not parent/child or having a relationship with them, would make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. You need to find a compromise here, and as a previous poster said, your feelings are NOT irrelevant.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2016 13:15

You actually sound in your op like youre jealous of a five year old, because she gets his attention and you don't. For two days in 14 That's really horrible.

It's every two weeks, sleep in knickers and a vest. If you are jealous of the attention a small child gets and you need constant attention too, then end the relationship, find a man with no kids and then vow never to have any of your own, this way you can get all your partners attention.

You are who you are.

Shitonyoursofa · 06/12/2016 13:17

OP I think people are giving you an unnecessarily hard time on this one. I am a SM, in very similar circumstances, and this was the thing I struggled with most in the early days, both the being woken up at the crack of dawn and SS coming into our bed. I am simply not comfortable with a child that isn't mine being in my bed, that space to me is personal, and I would feel exactly the same if it was my niece or my godson. I have no idea whether I would feel differently if it was my bio child, as I don't have any, perhaps so, perhaps not. Plus I get up at 5.30 during the week, I'm not doing it at the weekends as well!

It was something OH and I argued about a lot, and the eventual solution was that he got up as soon as SS made a peep, and they went back into SS's room and cuddled and read in there. It worked just fine, and it eventually became a non-issue as SS got older and wasn't interested anyway. OH was far more bothered about it than SS was, he kept saying I was rejecting SS and he would be upset - SS didn't seem to care one way or the other as long as someone got up, played with him and got him a drink!

Personally I don't see why the compromise in these kinds of thing always has to be that the SM just has to suck it up. Everyone has feelings and needs, everyone has a right to have those met as best as possible in any given situation, and there is usually a solution that can be found that works for everyone without one party constantly having to give in for to make everyone else happy. I don't think that makes me a bad SM, and I compromise a lot on many other things; for me this was one thing I felt strongly enough about to make a stand over.

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swingofthings · 06/12/2016 17:47

You get no say because you are being unreasonable. It's all about compromise. Of course you should be entitled to time to yourself even during the week-ends she's there, but clearly it means a lot to her and your DP that she could me for a cuddle when she wakes up and I can understand because it is a lovely time to bond and your DP is right to make the best of it because let's face it, it certainly won't last.

So don't take this away from them, but at the same time, don't take it personally. Agree on a time that is acceptable. Maybe make it clear that before 7am, she needs to be quiet, or they cuddle for x time and then he takes her down with her.

Then discuss about you having time for yourself during these week-ends, maybe him taking her out and you stay over. Taking on a child/children is demanding, it's inevitable, you have to make the best of it as much as you can.

myfriendnoel · 06/12/2016 18:08

Wait to be invited? She's 5 years old.
But some pyjamas.wear them two nights out of 14. Realise you are an adult and can't and shouldn't come first every time.

eyebrowsonfleek · 06/12/2016 18:59

How many bedrooms do you have? Personally I'd get into her bed when she gets up so that your partner and his dd can snuggle. They can then get on with the day when ready. If you have a third bedroom then I'd sleep there all night rather than with my partner.
Kids get up early and your partner is not unreasonable to enjoy the snuggles. Asking the dd to wait half an hour is callous- sorry. Part of the snuggle is drifting off again so why would you be awake and ready rather than half asleep?
I think that yanbu to be exhausted by the intensity of step-parenting but you need to realise that if dsd's mum became unable to care for her daughter then she'd be there every day.As a 2/14 night step-parent you are having a very part-time experience.

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 22:00

I really wish you good luck, you sound like a nice person trying to manoeuvre your way through uncharted waters!

Thank you so much for showing some understanding, appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 22:05

it was something OH and I argued about a lot, and the eventual solution was that he got up as soon as SS made a peep, and they went back into SS's room and cuddled and read in there. It worked just fine

Thank you for your support, yes we tried this at the weekend just gone, will try and build on it from here.

OP posts:
Jenda · 06/12/2016 22:07

I get a bit funny about my own time ( no kids yet) so I'd struggle with this too, sometimes step mums get a hard time on here! Clock sounds like a good idea, I wouldn't have been allowed to bound into my own parents room at that age. If she comes in at a reasonable time I might say something like "ooh I'd like a cup of tea, do you think you and dad could go and make me one". Failing that id pretend to be asleep Grin. I'm sure you are entertaining her all weekend so it won't kill her not to be indulged during her every waking moment

Original poster
Chesca345 · 06/12/2016 22:10

youre jealous of a five year old, because she gets his attention and you don't. For two days in 14 That's really horrible.

Seriously? Horrible, no. Human, yes. Some of you people calling me horrible don't sound particularly nice yourselves.

OP posts:
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