Giving up on this step-parenting lark

[ChanseysEgg]

After 10months in this relationship, I feel undervalued and unloved. Here's the setup:

DP has his DC (age 7) for 50% of the time. DP still invites me over during this time (and frequently asks me to move in).

DP is a Disney parent. I am 100% ignored when DC is there. Not even a cuddle or a conversation. (Perhaps normal? This is my first step-parenting experience; in that case, why invite me around?)

I get on well with DC. I think they are lovely and have as good rapore with them. When I am present, DC will always want to play with me. They are constantly wanting my attention. It is not unusual for me to single-handedly entertain his DC for hours while he hides away in his office. I always facilitate this but when DC are not around I tell their dad that I need some space sometimes, that I've got work to do and can't be a babysitter whenever I visit. His response is "just tell DC to go away then". Obviously, I feel very uncomfortable doing this. DC are not my children and I don't want to be rude or be seen to 'reject' them when I've worked so hard on building a good relationship with them. AIBU to think that it's DP's job to manage the situation?

Also consider this:

DP goes on very long work trips (2 weeks at a time) which means that when he returns, he has to "make up" that time in childcare. Totally understandable. However the consequence is that I get hardly any adult time with him. DC don't go to sleep until 10pm and by that point DP is too tired to converse or even just watch TV with me.

I feel unappreciated and neglected. I have a very stressful work situation at the moment and feel burned out and weepy but am receiving no support. It's getting depressing and isolating.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? Or shall I just accept that I shouldn't date a parent with this much contact time and find a man without children or a weekend dad?

Have any of you guys experienced similar?

Disclaimer: DP is a good father and very hands on most of the time. He's one of the best parents I know and dotes on his DC. His life revolves around his DC and secondly, his work.

Yes I've left and we continue to argue. He's not taken me leaving well but I'm unsure whether it's the loss of me and our relationship or the fact that he's had to arrange additional childcare, as both have been thrown about by him at various points. I've invited him to the midwife and scan so just waiting to see whether he'll turn up. I am devastated - not about being on my own but because I miss him. If I had your chance OP, I'd consider it a lucky escape no matter how much you miss him

peppatax Sorry to ask personal questions but, was your baby planned? Do you think he'll show the same attention to the baby as he does to DD? Did you hope that the pregnancy would make him more attentive to you?

Baby was semi-planned as in both wanted more children (I have a DD too) and neither getting younger so decided to see what happens. By his own admission, had it happened a few months sooner he'd have been over the moon as it was before the really bad arguments started. I'm sure he will try to give the baby the same attention but his DD is difficult and he really has very little spare time so if we're now living apart I really fail to see how it's not going to come second. That makes me sad but like I say, I have a DD too and will just need to get myself support in place if/when he lets me down.

Well, I think you've made the right decision.

We don't have 50/50, but we do have a feckless ex who is happy to be known as the RP, and take the £500pm maintenance, but not to actually have her child stay with her - so he basically lives with us.

DP goes away maybe one week a month at the moment (he was away last week and is away the week after next). I work away from home and am out from 6.15am to 8pm. But dss is left here because his dm can't be arsed to do anything to sort him out while we're not here (he's 15).

And, to be honest, dp isn't assertive enough with her (he should at least stop her maints as dss lives with us, that might focus her mind) - but I have said next week he has to go to his mum's because I will be working even later every night (I won't, though I'll be late one night due to Xmas party) so won't be back in time to feed him etc and she can use her maints to pay for a taxi to/from school for him since her issue is apparently that she is too far from the school and she can't take him and he can't cycle (he could actually get a bus, but for some reason this is not accepted).

So, I can confirm it does't get any better and I have had to be REALLY firm about a lot of stuff.

Why do the men in these stories have no backbone?

I'm going to tell DP that I think we should only see each other when DC are not present. (That means I'll see him about once a week and relationship will fizzle out).

I think then you are verging on "idiot" terroirty OP. avoidance of doubt, term used by the OP in early discussion

It isn't just the children that is the issue, he hasn't taken you on a date unless you have begged him and he has lied to you.

Won't be long before your back being a nanny.

I totally see your point, but using my strategy the relationship will fizzle out of its own accord and he will only have himself to blame. The responsibility for its demise will be on his shoulders.

Soon, I can imagine him pulling the classic "bait and switch" on his next girlfriend like he did with me. We had dates at the start of the relationship. He even bought me flowers. Then after a few months it morphed into this current wreck of disrespect. Meh. I'm ready to be "courted" again. I'm not over the hill yet I'm still got a lot of love, affection and TIME to offer a man.

I feel unappreciated and neglected. I have a very stressful work situation at the moment and feel burned out and weepy but am receiving no support. It's getting depressing and isolating.

It's hard just before Christmas, but I would listen to your instincts OP. I also got together with a lovely man, but who was the main provider (paid maintenance) and had his kids most of the time. I thought what a good father to both provide and care for, but in reality it means that they are not able to set boundaries - trying to juggle too much. Their work suffers, the kids suffer, and they just do not have time for a new relationship.

I ignored all the above, moved in and looked after said step children more and more. The kids went from being OK with resenting me as accidental parent, I had no time or privacy with DP, and I wish I'd walked away! Either that OP, or do not move in, insist on very little time with the kids at present, just to build up your own relaitonship with him, and at your place as much as his. If he cannot do this, you have your answer.

It's your choice, but I wouldn't care if he thought it was my fault. You know that he is a useless twit.

Christmas is coming up and that means lots of parties, you will be wasting your time with this man when a good one could be just around the corner! Only say this as it does sound like your looking for someone serious and you have already wasted 10 months on this idiot!

I'm also late 30's and I don't know how old you are :) but I came to the "this ones an idiot, next" conclusion when I turned 30 :) it worked as met DP when 34 :) very liberating, dumping idiots (is never done it before!)

I just wish you lots of luck with what you decide and hope you meet someone who deserves you as much as you deserve them

We don't have 50/50, but we do have a feckless ex who is happy to be known as the RP, and take the £500pm maintenance, but not to actually have her child stay with her - so he basically lives with us. Could have written this myself Out! It's a really, really tough situation to be in as a SM.

I don't think it's the men who don't have a backbone, I just think they cannot see past the satisfaction that they feel remaining the child's 'Main Parent' - even to the extent of letting an Ex shirk completely her Mum responsibilities, which cannot be good for the child. Had this with bells on, very sad situation. ExW knew full well it wasn't great for her child.

He's not a happy bunny.

He's accused me of wanting "a fairytale" and then said: "I am busy and things will not change. If you resent that you're certainly not the one I want".

in reality it means that they are not able to set boundaries - trying to juggle too much

Yep. I needed this wisdom 10 months ago.

I just think they cannot see past the satisfaction that they feel remaining the child's 'Main Parent' - even to the extent of letting an Ex shirk completely her Mum responsibilities

OMG. This. With bells on.

I am indeed looking for someone serious. Someone serious ABOUT ME. So I can be serious about them.

It seems he is too busy for a girlfriend. Not that he'd ever acknowledge that.

After all, a shag takes just minutes!

Don't get drawn in - his response is deflecting the blame to you, which means he will never acknowledge his own part in a problem.

Yes, seems he just wants a shag every now and then. If he's too busy for a girlfriend he should have come clean about it months ago and let you make up your own mind.

Don't see him again! What a waste of time he is

If I were in the market for a new relationship now (at my age, thank god I'm not), I would either avoid men with young DC's, which is what I did years ago! Or, if I felt attracted enough to a man with youngsters, I'd keep my life entirely separate from his whole family. I'd maintain my own job/home/family/social life etc, and just date until things got to the point I could cope with! The dating part is probably the best bit anyway, you get all his attention, but none of the angst!!!!

Yes do be wary OP. Nice as this man may be, he's done the marriage, responsibility, kids part. He will be defensive with you, as he doesn't have time for the relationship that you need or want, but just out of a huge commitment he won't be looking for another.

It's like his kids and work are the barrier, he lets them be. If you left he might be scared enough to reevaluate, but he won't otherwise.

I don't think the OP ever got the dating bit.

If I'm honest I think he would be an arse without children from what she has said.

He's not giving up. Throwing me crumbs o affection in an attempt to reel me back in.

Don't sell yourself short Chanseys!

I think it would be a huge mistake to crumble for what you know is insincere and won't last.
Do the right thing for you - that's also the right thing for his son as it might make him think about how he treats partners. The worst thing for his child would be to grow up seeing his father treat women like that.

Jesus Chanseys run!

You sound like a glorified babysitter/housekeeper. You should still be in the honeymoon "all over each other" stage! No wonder he's trying to keep you.

Google "sunken costs fallacy" and don't fall for it!

Christmas alone might be shit or might be very fucking comforting knowing you haven't wasted even more time and memories on the prick.

@ChanseysEgg

After 10months in this relationship, I feel undervalued and unloved. Here's the setup:

DP has his DC (age 7) for 50% of the time. DP still invites me over during this time (and frequently asks me to move in).

DP is a Disney parent. I am 100% ignored when DC is there. Not even a cuddle or a conversation. (Perhaps normal? This is my first step-parenting experience; in that case, why invite me around?)

I get on well with DC. I think they are lovely and have as good rapore with them. When I am present, DC will always want to play with me. They are constantly wanting my attention. It is not unusual for me to single-handedly entertain his DC for hours while he hides away in his office. I always facilitate this but when DC are not around I tell their dad that I need some space sometimes, that I've got work to do and can't be a babysitter whenever I visit. His response is "just tell DC to go away then". Obviously, I feel very uncomfortable doing this. DC are not my children and I don't want to be rude or be seen to 'reject' them when I've worked so hard on building a good relationship with them. AIBU to think that it's DP's job to manage the situation?

Also consider this:

DP goes on very long work trips (2 weeks at a time) which means that when he returns, he has to "make up" that time in childcare. Totally understandable. However the consequence is that I get hardly any adult time with him. DC don't go to sleep until 10pm and by that point DP is too tired to converse or even just watch TV with me.

I feel unappreciated and neglected. I have a very stressful work situation at the moment and feel burned out and weepy but am receiving no support. It's getting depressing and isolating.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? Or shall I just accept that I shouldn't date a parent with this much contact time and find a man without children or a weekend dad?

Have any of you guys experienced similar?

Disclaimer: DP is a good father and very hands on most of the time. He's one of the best parents I know and dotes on his DC. His life revolves around his DC and secondly, his work.

You sound like such a lovely person. Please think more highly of yourself and find someone who deserves you

Really this is awful. How can people be so selfish.

Years later his kids will be talking about how thir dad would use girlfriends to babysit.

I don't live with my guy and I cleaned his house once after he had an operation. He was mortified.

@MumOfTwoMasterOfNone

Run!!! I'm two children in and wish I'd left before. You're his babysitter with benefits. Short term pain for long term gain x

I’m sorry but this. In spades.

You can do and deserve so much better xx