Giving up on this step-parenting lark

[ChanseysEgg]

After 10months in this relationship, I feel undervalued and unloved. Here's the setup:

DP has his DC (age 7) for 50% of the time. DP still invites me over during this time (and frequently asks me to move in).

DP is a Disney parent. I am 100% ignored when DC is there. Not even a cuddle or a conversation. (Perhaps normal? This is my first step-parenting experience; in that case, why invite me around?)

I get on well with DC. I think they are lovely and have as good rapore with them. When I am present, DC will always want to play with me. They are constantly wanting my attention. It is not unusual for me to single-handedly entertain his DC for hours while he hides away in his office. I always facilitate this but when DC are not around I tell their dad that I need some space sometimes, that I've got work to do and can't be a babysitter whenever I visit. His response is "just tell DC to go away then". Obviously, I feel very uncomfortable doing this. DC are not my children and I don't want to be rude or be seen to 'reject' them when I've worked so hard on building a good relationship with them. AIBU to think that it's DP's job to manage the situation?

Also consider this:

DP goes on very long work trips (2 weeks at a time) which means that when he returns, he has to "make up" that time in childcare. Totally understandable. However the consequence is that I get hardly any adult time with him. DC don't go to sleep until 10pm and by that point DP is too tired to converse or even just watch TV with me.

I feel unappreciated and neglected. I have a very stressful work situation at the moment and feel burned out and weepy but am receiving no support. It's getting depressing and isolating.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? Or shall I just accept that I shouldn't date a parent with this much contact time and find a man without children or a weekend dad?

Have any of you guys experienced similar?

Disclaimer: DP is a good father and very hands on most of the time. He's one of the best parents I know and dotes on his DC. His life revolves around his DC and secondly, his work.

Good grief, I have pretty much sole custody - this man has 50% of his time for himself. When you are not looking after his DC for him, they are in clubs, extra curricular stuff and school. He is not super dad!

Not got time to write more but this is all wrong. No-one looks after my DC themselves unless I pay them to.

Orders you?

What an arse. LTB

date night once a week

He claims he is skint (whilst sending DC to private school and all the extra-curricular lessons he sends DC to). So he claims he can't afford a weekly date night with me.

I really am a fool aren't I?

He should not be ordering you to do anything!! Your not their parent - HE IS!

My partner is the RP, so he had his children 100% of the time (absent mother, her choice she walked out) He has never spoken to me in this manner, ever.

I have never felt ignored of course at times I was on my own for a little bit of an evening when he was putting them to bed or managing their needs if I was there of an evening, but in those early days when I was there we did things together in a group, because it was about us all working out things together, and how we would all fit together.

We do now parent together, it works for us, it is what we wanted, it was how we worked things out but at 10months! God no, I was still getting to know the children, they were still getting to know me. I looked after them once when DP had a work disaster and the normal nanny was on holiday but I was asked not ordered, and if I hadn't have been ready for that, he would have been 100% ok with that.

I still never feel taken advantage off, unloved or used in my relationship.

Nannys entertain and look after children
Parents parent.

You are neither of these things, I'm angry at this useless man on your behalf.

You are a fool if you accept it, yes.

Date night - yes we hire a babysitter and we have date nights, because we are a couple and whilst we love them dearly :) time as a couple is good for sanity levels children no matter how dear are hard work

This man doesn't even have parental responsibility 24/7 and he still isn't dating you.

I don't think your a fool, I think you have been sucked in. But the wool should now be firmly lifted from your eyes, you would 100% be a fool to continue this relationship knowing what you know now.

What exactly is good about this for you?

You lot have given me such strength.

I am at his at the moment, but will leave in the morning and not come back.

Horrible time of the year to break up but the path is clear. I am worth more than this. I feel so upset and resentful.

I was on my own for a little bit of an evening when he was putting them to bed or managing their needs if I was there of an evening

How long would this last? an hour? 2 hours? More?

The not being able to afford a weekly date night is a load of crap. From what you have said of his job, DC's lifestyle, it sounds highly unlikely he couldn't pay for his half of a meal at Pizza Express or something. Ridiculous. And a date doesn't have to cost anything much at all, you could stay in but do something special like cook a nice meal, give each other a massage, go for a walk somewhere nice.

When I moved in with DP, I remember after a while him saying it was nice that I was there to sometimes play with / keep an eye on DSS. DSS was quite young and very attention-demanding at that time, he couldn't really be left to entertain himself in any way unless it was with a screen, and he was always desperate to play with DP or me, whoever! But DP certainly didn't ever order me to play with DSS, and he understood without either of us needing to say it, that I didn't want to be constantly playing with him while DP was off doing something else, and that indeed I was doing DP a favour by doing that at all, certainly before we even lived together!

Yes, as someone in a stepparent role it is right and natural that you try to build a relationship with your DSC. But there is only so much time to go round, so time invested in that relationship has to be in careful balance with time spent on the DSC's relationship with their parent, and your relationship with your partner. At the moment it sounds like there is no balance of time at all.

Run, run, run! I really can't see what you are getting out of this at all. I think for a lot of men (and maybe women, I know I'm generalising / stereotyping) contact is easier when there's another adult there. When SS is here in the summer hols and I've been at work all day, OH finds it hard going and often wants to seem to 'hand over' to me when I get through the door so he can get some down time, go on facebook, check the football scores, whatever. And although I'm happy to help and like spending time with SS, it really isn't my role to play the 'other' parent and I've made that clear. I've looked after SS on my own maybe 2 or 3 times when it was absolutely unavoidable.

Never do more than the actual parent, that's my rule.

And I've been with OH for years!

Thank you everyone. I will indeed run. I'm done. I'm worn out. I have nothing left to give. I'm can't fathom what kind of women he will get next, to put up with all of this.

Bedtime varies but not long, sometimes longer - but that's understandable sometimes kids take ages to settle.

Of course you chip in, your building a bond - but your not chipping in, your being treated as a nanny.

Sofa has a good point never do more, I don't expect to do more when DP and I have our own child together! that doesn't mean because he has them without you there, it's your turn when your there by the way! because your not their nanny, parent, or step mum. Your their I doubt for much longer fathers girlfriend

Very wise OP!

You shouldn't feel like this so soon in the relationship. The mans an idiot.

I'm going to miss his DC, but I need some care and attention for myself so I need to end this and everntually find someone to love me. I need to feel as though someone has my back as I'm going through quite a lot of stress at the moment.

His lie after my double night-shift crippled me. I felt numb with shock. It suddenly dawned that he doesn't care for me at all and the past 10 months have been a farce :( I've literally wasted 10 months of my life and consequently will spend xmas alone.

Christmas on your own, or Christmas playing mary poppins to your boyfriends DCs while he has some 'down time'? I know which I'd rather OP!

there are worse things to do than spend Christmas alone. And of course you will miss the DC, that would become what he used to keep you. I miss my DSD - but I need my sanity and self-esteem. There comes a point where you can no longer put yourself in a situation where you do yourself harm.

You sound lovely, you will meet someone deserving of that in good time.

And 10pm bedtimes every night at age 7? 😐 What IS he doing? Falling asleep himself?

No. You will spend Christmas FREE.

And make it full of treats. Buy yourself some overpriced M&S seasonal food and some fluffy new pyjamas. Check in with friends you haven't seen in ages and suggest a festive meet up. Buy a special DVD for Christmas Day.

Make it all about YOU.

What IS he doing? Falling asleep himself?

Yep. Whenever I go into the bedroom, he's fallen asleep with DC.

Stay strong and enjoy your freedom. You asked about entertaining dsc single-handedly and yes I did and do that but through choice and I don't feel put upon. I'm not sent to just go and do it, I never did anything I didn't want to and dh and I have a fulfilling relationship too.

Good luck

No you shouldn't have to. You can if you want to but it should not be forced.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

If he tries to guilt you in any way when you tell him you are done, remember he expected you to go round and play families with DC after a 50 hour shift, but takes naps when putting DC to bed (and then probably expects you to stay up once he has had that nap)

It won't get better. All the best going forward - at least you will get enough sleep over Christmas

OP
He is using you and you know that. He sounds crap and selfish. You can do better.

Currently in same situation OP and has turned into a messy, drawn out and long split due to added complications as I am pregnant. I miss him terribly and want nothing more than to be with him but he has sole custody of 7yo DSD and weekends were just spent with her hanging off him as she couldn't bear having me around him. He couldn't make up for it in the week as too busy working etc. Consider yourself lucky OP! Run for the hills and meet someone who appreciates you.

Good luck, you should lovely and deserve so much better than this.

weekends were just spent with her hanging off him as she couldn't bear having me around him

You poor thing. What have you done to rectify the situation? Glad I'm not pregnant. Did you leave?