Giving up on this step-parenting lark

[ChanseysEgg]

After 10months in this relationship, I feel undervalued and unloved. Here's the setup:

DP has his DC (age 7) for 50% of the time. DP still invites me over during this time (and frequently asks me to move in).

DP is a Disney parent. I am 100% ignored when DC is there. Not even a cuddle or a conversation. (Perhaps normal? This is my first step-parenting experience; in that case, why invite me around?)

I get on well with DC. I think they are lovely and have as good rapore with them. When I am present, DC will always want to play with me. They are constantly wanting my attention. It is not unusual for me to single-handedly entertain his DC for hours while he hides away in his office. I always facilitate this but when DC are not around I tell their dad that I need some space sometimes, that I've got work to do and can't be a babysitter whenever I visit. His response is "just tell DC to go away then". Obviously, I feel very uncomfortable doing this. DC are not my children and I don't want to be rude or be seen to 'reject' them when I've worked so hard on building a good relationship with them. AIBU to think that it's DP's job to manage the situation?

Also consider this:

DP goes on very long work trips (2 weeks at a time) which means that when he returns, he has to "make up" that time in childcare. Totally understandable. However the consequence is that I get hardly any adult time with him. DC don't go to sleep until 10pm and by that point DP is too tired to converse or even just watch TV with me.

I feel unappreciated and neglected. I have a very stressful work situation at the moment and feel burned out and weepy but am receiving no support. It's getting depressing and isolating.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? Or shall I just accept that I shouldn't date a parent with this much contact time and find a man without children or a weekend dad?

Have any of you guys experienced similar?

Disclaimer: DP is a good father and very hands on most of the time. He's one of the best parents I know and dotes on his DC. His life revolves around his DC and secondly, his work.

I'm still cross posting - sorry

This doesn't sound good at all! I'm not saying our journey was easy, but it has worked because nobody has felt taken advantage of.

My DP, worked and still does work his arse off and he had two small children to look after (5) he still didn't dump his kids on me and run. This man has his children only 50% of the time, and is dumping them on you for his needs to be met.

The lying would be enough for me to walk in your shoes! And it really is not selfish to say you want love and attention it's what all human beings want in relationships.

You shouldn't be locking yourself in rooms and crying when you turn up knackered wanting peace only to find he has lied and his kids are there.

That is when you put your coat back on and say-I have done a double shift and I'm knackered-I'm going home to bed.

Wow dates. It's been so long since we had a "date"

You've only been together 10 months! Get out now.

Your not going on dates at 10 months!!

We never really got weekend dates, as it wasn't easy to arrange childcare, but we still do date during the week and have been together for five years. We are lucky to be able to afford a nanny but no wonder you feel like a nanny if this man doesn't even take you out on a date!

Put your trainers on and RUN!!!

Short time together and far too much too soon the fact you met his DC so quickly and have been caring for them whilst he's ran off to office speaks volumes. I would run away from the relationship it sounds like he wants a nanny not a relationship

He just doesn't have enough time by the sound of it. But it is not good at all that he's started taking advantage of you to essentially entertain his kids when they are at his house, so he can bugger off upstairs and do what he wants. And this is made worse by the fact he is now tricking you into coming round when they are there, when you are specifically trying to avoid it!

I do not think that this is likely to get better, only worse, eg if you ended up moving in. Painful as it may be, I think you probably need to leave.

Goodness, you spend time with the DC while he potters in his 'office', so you want to spend less time at his place when his DC are there, he lies about when they are due and you don't just put your coat back on and go home? What are you thinking? Who are you trying to impress?

Please consider your own wants and needs, and find some that done depend on the approval of others. All the very best, it might be hard but you will gain a lot when you start to co sider your own true self.

Thanks for all your feedback.

Can I stress something: When I'm around he'll gladly let me entertain his DC for hours without stepping in to give me a break, however he does still do most of the childcare for his DC (because I try to limit the time I'm here with DC present).

Re: dates, I can't remember the last time we went to a restaurant or I was given a bunch of flowers or anything really. We went to the cinema a month ago because I nagged and nagged for a date and I ended up paying for the whole thing (he earns 3 x what I do). I am a fool. Thank you for participating in my thread.

you don't just put your coat back on and go home? What are you thinking?

I did. I got as far as the metro station and he told me to come back. When I got back to his I was ignored until 10pm when DC when to sleep.

It doesn't sound like he's ready to have a relationship yet tbh. His kids are v young and he is using you like a nanny when the two of you should be out having a laugh.

I think you could probably find a

Better relationship.

Get out now. Is he the one referring to you as step mum? At 10 months in, you definitely shouldn't be defined as that. You should still just be dating with the occasional time with his kids. You've both set them up for a fall here as it obviously isn't working out.

I can't hear anything that sounds good in this situation :(
You deserve better!

The more you write the worse it looks actually. You did put your coat on and leave, he asked you to come back and stillleft you alone with the child until 10pm.

You could be free of this by tea time. Tempted?

So basically when you are there, your doing ALL the childcare, and not only that he lies to you about them being there so you go to have a night with him and they are there for you to entertain/look after.

Sod that!

What the hell do you think he will be like if you move in with him? Please don't do this.

He is using you as nanny, please don't let him do this to you anymore, you sound to me like a lovely person and he sounds like a very lazy arse (not a good father IMO)

Just to be clear, im not saying as a stepparent you should be totally hands off! I am not hands off at all and we now parent together but we have grown into that (DC mother also only sees them on average once a year) we have discussed at length my involvement in the family unit every single step of the way, because it has to be right for everyone.

If you ever date anyone with children again although I won't be surprised if your put off for life please don't think all men act like this because they really don't.

You sound lovely! He sounds lazy. He won't get better. I'd leave.

(The 50-50 contact thing isn't the issue- it's his attitude - she's got a fanny, she can take care of the kids) you see thissuch a lot.

he asked you to come back and stillleft you alone with the child until 10pm

No. He was with his DC till 10pm when they fell asleep.

Oh ok, I misread that bit, but he ignored you until 10pm. It's not any better!

You should not be doing childcare, even if he is doing 95% during his time it's not enough, he needs to do 100%.

The 50-50 contact thing isn't the issue

Really?

Can a stepmum with a 50/50 situation tell me how things are for her?

Because my DP goes on work trips, he has to make up the time with his DC, so it's more like 80% custody.

Or should I say, it seems like 80% custody because while he is on a work trip I don't see him, and then when he is at home he has DC and ignores me so I don't see him then either.

even if he is doing 95% during his time it's not enough, he needs to do 100%

That's interesting. He often orders me to "go and play with [his] DC". Do you mean I should never have to entertain his DC single-handedly?

You are supposed to be his girlfriend, not paid help for the children or their stepmother.

He may think he's acting in his children's best interest but he's not as he could be encouraging them to think that you will always be around.

I think some straight talking is needed - and set some boundaries and expectations, eg date night once a week, even if he needs to get a sitter, and time with the kids limited to once a week with both of you fully involved.