Holiday abroad - I don't know what to do!

[MumTo2GirlsDT]

So my parents have offered to take all the family abroad on an all inclusive holiday, which consists of my 2 parents, brother & his 2 girls, sister brother in law & their 3 boys, me DH & 2 DDs. Now the problem is I have a 10yo SS but my parents can't afford to take him as it's £460 each. They also don't really want him to come (they don't have a natural relationship with SS) as it's the 1st family holiday for them with all their grandchildren.
Me and DH have just bought a house and are struggling to pay all the bills atm especially with Xmas coming up so we can't afford to pay SS'S share for the holiday.
DH has said he can't go without SS which I understand and feel awful about not being able to take him. But I suggested me and DDs still going as I'm not going to be able to afford to take them on holiday for years and years.
We are paying for SS to go on a residential school trip for a week next year aswell so I don't see it as he's been left out (which is how DH sees it) because he is going on a holiday with school.
I don't know what to do tbh because I do feel crappy for either the DDs missing out on a holiday with their grandparents & family or for going without DH and SS.
Any advice? Opinions? Personal experiences?

I think blended families are like a series of Venn diagrams - a series of households linked together by people who are related. And I''m never convinced you can apply absolute parity to whole group because of all the subsections.

I do wonder if the OP's parents are thinking they want to holiday with their children and grandchildren, and whilst accepting the OP has a DSS, don't view him as THEIR immediate family?

My parents have a similar view about my DSS - DH used to see DSS fortnightly, my parents generally saw him at Christmas, and whilst there was no negativity at all, Mum/Dad hardly knew him, and would probably have had a similar view to the OP's parents. No malice intended, just their view of immediate family.

Completely disagree ! We have both resident and non resident dsc. My parents could quite easily invite us to their holiday Home. (Kids all late teens now so unlikely to want to holiday with us anyway - but you never know.. ) They do not really know non resident dsc. They are early teens. The late teens live with us (because they chose to. ) and because of that they see my parents on a much more regular basis and now have a proper relationship. My parents have simply never been in the same place as my nr dsc whereby a relationship could be formed.
If it was OUR holiday, that we were organising then without exception, it would be planned for when ALL OUR children were free. As such All invited - but my parents would probably invite us on THEIR holiday with the children in our household, who they know. My parents have absolutely know obligation to my stepchildren and are quite within their rights to invite who they like. Sometimes they invite us and no kids ! Sometimes they invite only their dgc. Sometimes they invite 'whoever is at home' but it would be normal for them to ask 'when have you got the children ' and invite when they aren't around.
In the exact same way, the DSc DM and OH take the DSC resident with her on abroad holidays and it never crosses her mind that her others who live with us might feel left out. (They don't - just accept that's the situation when they decided to come live with us.

No one size fits all.
Some DGP are super involved and go out of their way to make a relationship with sgc.
Some rarely seen them and can barely remember their names.
The obligation is for the parents to ensure things are fair.
The expectation is of kindness. My mum and step dad are always very very kind when they see the non resident dcs. They simply don't have the opportunity to know them.

marilyn you make some very good points, particularly that the grandparents have no obligation to non resident step children, especially if they don't really know them,.

It's also hard to book a holiday for a child when you don't have their passport.

It's a big risk for some families. Our Dsc mum has never let us have the passport, so they've never been able to come abroad with us. We can't risk booking and paying, to have her change her mind about them going, or worse, guilt the dsc into not coming.

It really isn't as simple as "all go or none go" with non resident dsc.

Only on Planet Step Family would you be expected to book and pay for a holiday for people you hardly know .....

I think your husband is a decent man. My ex is going on holiday with his wife and their two kids and leaving my DS, who they claim is part of their family, behind. No invitation for him to join them. No explanation. Their actions speak a lot louder than their words. Of course, it is trickier because it is your parents paying but I would either find a way to stretch to pay for him or your DH should stay back in solidarity.

The grandparents evidently know OP's DP well enough to offer to pay for him to come on holiday. They shouldn't then exclude his child; not when they are including the child of every adult they're inviting. They could have just invited their own daughter and her children. But they wanted all the family there. All the family includes the DSS.

If my STBPIL wanted to pay for me and my fiancé to come on a holiday and didn't also invite my DC but invited STBSIL's DC I would decline. I wouldn't want to be on a holiday-with-kids without my own kids. If it was a child-free trip then it would be different.

But more to the point the GP's clearly can't afford this holiday - taking out a loan for something non-essential isn't exactly sensible.

I think your husband is a decent man.

So do I. My dh would have also refused but then again my mum wouldn't do what these gps are doing.

My dh's exw regularly holidays with her hew dh, his sister and her kids. No contact with dss with several years because she has no money Bizzare

*They'd end up with 2x the holidays of their half-siblings that live both their parents.
And? They also end up torn apart between two families through no fault of their whilst their step-siblings get to spend more time with their own father and their half-siblings get the luxury of being with both their parents every day.

If they had a choice between being able to spend time with their two parents every day and going on an extra holiday, I really wonder what most would pick.*

I was about to post the same kind of thing. I have DD and SS. Me, my parents and siblings treat SS and DD the same because they are siblings and should be treated the same. To give DD more because "SS has his mum" would be wrong as SS would see his dad do more for his sister than him and its a double blow to already not seeing his dad 50% of the time.

I also think to say get my SS less bcause his mum gets him stuff is passing the buck onto his mum too much, why is it only mum who pays for treats? So yes my DD will have less holidays and money and toys but she and my SS will see their dad treating them equally and when SS isn't here she gets her dad 100% of the time. I would not expect my DH to ignore DD when SS is here. When SS is here he has to split his time between two, when SS isn't here he is just with DD.

If SC don't have holidays because one set of parents feel the other have done it you could end up with SC never going away because one parent always assumes the other is taking them instead.

With us we are family of 3 weekdays and 4 weekends.We make plans throughout the whole week with and without DSS but we'd never make a plan and then actively exclude him.

Also there is a difference between holidays and family events planned when a SC is with their other parent and being unable to have access for them to join in and actively excluding SC or arranging holidays for when SC is not around.

The grandparents evidently know OP's DP well enough to offer to pay for him to come on holiday. They shouldn't then exclude his child; not when they are including the child of every adult they're inviting

but THAT is the EXACT point! The gps KNOW the OPs DP and all the other children. The other children are their Gc and they love them. whereas they DONT KNOW THE OPs Step children AND HAVE No RELATIONSHIP With THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT RESIDENT AND THEIR VISITS DO NOT COINCIDE . Why is this so hard to grasp ? Some step parent families have nr children that are close to their sgc simply because they live close by. Some barely know them. No blame just the way it is.

As much as I love my parents and parents in law, I can think of nothing worse than a family holiday with them. Done it once with the in-laws and SIL and her kids. Never again. Couldn't relax. I'd pay the £460 not to go. If your parents want to be generous, let them subsidise a trip that you and DH can choose for your own immediate family (you can include dss) to go somewhere. The £2k or whatever they would have spent on your family should contribute to something nice. Put your marriage before your parents, and choose not to be guilt tripped.

I think it depends.

My bil married a woman with 2 children. My MIL minds them along with her own grandchildren, she sees them a lot, is interested in them, and they call her granny too. They do have a good relationship with their father and his family but my MIL and her family are like a bonus for them. If she excluded them from a holiday it would be shocking. She wouldn't (and doesn't).

But it sounds like this kid has absolutely no relationship with the OP's parents. Presumably he does have a relationship with his mother's parents and family so it isn't like he is missing out.

I can understand why the OP's husband doesn't want to go. I wouldn't want to go on a big family holiday with one of my children if the other wasn't invited - even if that lack of invitation was understandable. But why shouldn't OP and her son go?

Mind you I could imagine nothing worse than this holiday of all togetherness paid for on a credit card/credit union loan/whatever. Expectations will be high and won't be met.

I agree that this is one of the assumptions about blended families, that everyone always gets included in everything, there is equality, acceptance from everybody. Step families aren't neat and tidy like this.

So taking a black and white view rarely helps in my humble opinion. No I don't think it helps for your DH to refuse to go. No I don't think it helps for your parents not to offer. Neither are right or wrong though.

That said, I think that it can help greatly if step children are accepted wholeheartedly from extended family initially. Not for everything, but enough to feel that relationships can be formed.

Although in my experience my DP going away with my extended family with the DSDs only results in them huddling in a little enclave and ignoring us! But I'm glad that I tried, and that my parents also extended this warmth.

There is that aspect, do you have other reasons for feeling that it wouldn't work? Would your SS and DH not take part and form relationships with your family?

I agree with Bananas that step families are complicated and have their own way of working.
Personally, if my stepchildren were going on a holiday, I certainly would not be at this moment. My parents have been lovely and welcoming towards them and my family have always gone overboard. They are however, very difficult children, particularly DSS and are not 'allowed' to like me. Fine, with the current stresses in my life and 2 v young DC of our own, I've given up and I can't see them for my own sanity. They always get a holiday with their mother, we haven't afforded one last couple of years. Should we tell her not to take them as it's not fair on their half siblings? Didn't think so! It's a different family unit. You can find anyone to be jealous of if you're that way inclined.