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Original poster

Holiday abroad - I don't know what to do!

116 replies

MumTo2GirlsDT · 26/11/2016 08:43

So my parents have offered to take all the family abroad on an all inclusive holiday, which consists of my 2 parents, brother & his 2 girls, sister brother in law & their 3 boys, me DH & 2 DDs. Now the problem is I have a 10yo SS but my parents can't afford to take him as it's £460 each. They also don't really want him to come (they don't have a natural relationship with SS) as it's the 1st family holiday for them with all their grandchildren.
Me and DH have just bought a house and are struggling to pay all the bills atm especially with Xmas coming up so we can't afford to pay SS'S share for the holiday.
DH has said he can't go without SS which I understand and feel awful about not being able to take him. But I suggested me and DDs still going as I'm not going to be able to afford to take them on holiday for years and years.
We are paying for SS to go on a residential school trip for a week next year aswell so I don't see it as he's been left out (which is how DH sees it) because he is going on a holiday with school.
I don't know what to do tbh because I do feel crappy for either the DDs missing out on a holiday with their grandparents & family or for going without DH and SS.
Any advice? Opinions? Personal experiences?

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GirlOverboard · 26/11/2016 09:21

So they can afford to buy a holiday for 14 people, but 15 would break the bank Hmm

I would politely decline. If they have any decency they'll 'find' the extra money, or book someone slightly cheaper so all of you can go.

ChuckGravestones · 26/11/2016 09:22

I wouldnt want my parents to take out a loan for a holiday so wouldnt be going in the first place.

Original poster
MumTo2GirlsDT · 26/11/2016 09:22

Bordersarethebest yes he will be going away with his mum and sister. And like I said he's also got a residential trip aswell with school.
I don't think his mum would let us take him anyway as it's during term time, we have asked previously and she said no.
It's so hard as obviously it is a bigger picture to what I've put its not just black and white like that. I personally feel like I don't want to be rude/blackmail my parents, I understand they want to treat their grandchildren, SS never reciprocated the efforts my parents put in as he only says one word answers or never says thank you for things they have done/given him in the past, and I also understand OHs views. But it appears the resounding opinion is for us all not to go unless I can change their mind about the place to make it the same price for everyone elsewhere.
Thank you everyone ☺

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 26/11/2016 09:24

Yeah your story doesn't add up. Are you seriously saying your parents are taking a loan to take 14 people on holiday and you're letting them?? You're an adult. You don't let other people get into debt so you can have a jolly.

Hoppinggreen · 26/11/2016 09:25

Quite apart from the unfairness about who goes and who doesn't I wouldn't go on a holiday that my parents had to get a loan to pay for

LIZS · 26/11/2016 09:31

Why on earth would anyone take a loan of 7k to fund a holiday for extended family Confused who decides where and when?

hesterton · 26/11/2016 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needsahalo · 26/11/2016 09:47

he will be going away with his mum and sister. And like I said he's also got a residential trip aswell with school

So, if your own child had a holiday with their other parent and went on a school trip, would you not take him/her on your family holiday?

ChuckGravestones · 26/11/2016 09:52

But it appears the resounding opinion is for us all not to go unless I can change their mind about the place to make it the same price for everyone elsewhere

I think the resounding opinion is not to let your parents get into debt for your holiday.

Blu · 26/11/2016 10:00

Agree with your DH to find the money, invite him, let his mother decline because it is in term time (or he doesn't want to go), sorted,

FrankAndBeans · 26/11/2016 10:03

I personally feel like I don't want to be rude/blackmail my parents,

They're being incredibly rude to your step son. If DP's family acted like this towards my DD fron a previous relationship I'd be waving them a firm goodbye.

Original poster
MumTo2GirlsDT · 26/11/2016 10:05

"Getting into debt" is very different from taking a loan. They have the means to pay it off but they don't have the means to pay for a holiday upfront. I personally don't agree with them paying for it at all as the reasons behind this holiday would shock you all far more than them paying for it in the 1st place! I've told my mum many times she shouldn't be doing this but they will still do it whether I go with them or not.
And selfishly I don't think I have thought about it they way many of you have pointed out, I thought it would be a great opportunity for the whole family especially my 2 DDs to have a holiday.
And just to keep you updated mum is now looking for a holiday for same price for the 15 of us.
I do appreciate everyone's opinion I sometimes struggle to see the obvious or the rational (which is the solution to of finding a different holiday!)

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 26/11/2016 10:25

Your parents are taking out a Loan to take their adult family plus GC on holiday and you are all letting them?

NerrSnerr · 26/11/2016 10:28

How is getting into debt different from taking a loan? If they could afford it they would pay outright and not have to worry about the interest. I wouldn't accept this holiday- what would happen if they got an unexpected expense on their return and they're left struggling with the loan?

Sukitakeitoff · 26/11/2016 10:37

I would also say no, as I wouldn't let anyone take out a loan to pay for me to go on holiday. And I wouldn't take my children out of school in term time either although I do realise opinion is very divided on this.

swingofthings · 26/11/2016 11:48

The matter is resolved. There are reasons for what they are doing that you don't want to share and that's fair enough. It is their choice. Personally, I would have gone with just your DD unless they are truly prepared to forget about them not wanting him to go in the first place, because if it turns into them sidelining your SS and treating him in a way that he will know he was wanted there but was invited under duress, it would do as much damage as not inviting him in the first place.

I personally think that your OH would have been better making the best of this time for some quality one to one with his son to rekindle their relationship.

Bobochic · 26/11/2016 11:51

It's totally unrealistic to think that step children should go on every holiday with each of their parents. They'd end up with 2x the holidays of their half-siblings that live both their parents.

INeedNewShoes · 26/11/2016 11:56

Will your SS actually want to go on the holiday?

It sounds unlikely.

Whitechester · 26/11/2016 12:11

I'm going against the grain here, but I would suggest you and your dc go.

If your parents have little to no relationship with you dss then I think it's unrealistic to expect them to pay for him - especially as it's a lot of money to them.

FWIW, My parents are generous, but not wealthy. Prior to me meeting my partner, they used to take me and DD on holiday and pay for everything. Now I have a partner and he has 2 x dc.

Even if my parents offered, I would find it very uncomfortable if they offered to pay for them as in the two years they've probably only met them a couple of times. My dsc probably don't even know their names! They have little to no bond with them. That's because of contact schedules and the time I spend with them.

Each blended family is different

LucyLugosi · 26/11/2016 12:14

The way you blame SS for not having a good relationship with your parents makes me feel really uncomfortable.
No wonder he doesn't feel like seeing you and DH every week, tbh.
I usually feel so much sympathy for other stepmothers but I've found your posts pretty horrible.
It's not 'blackmailing' your parents to be unable to go on their holiday unless your SS is included.
It definitely is leaving SS out if he doesn't go (I can't believe you said it's not because of a school trip).
I feel so sorry for your DH and SS. If I was your DH your attitude in this would make me rethink the relationship.
And your parents need to take a good look at themselves.

swingofthings · 26/11/2016 12:19

They'd end up with 2x the holidays of their half-siblings that live both their parents.
And? They also end up torn apart between two families through no fault of their whilst their step-siblings get to spend more time with their own father and their half-siblings get the luxury of being with both their parents every day.

If they had a choice between being able to spend time with their two parents every day and going on an extra holiday, I really wonder what most would pick. The self-protection of some SM for their own children as opposed to their SC is sometimes quite staggering.

Bobochic · 26/11/2016 12:24

Extra holidays (and presents) are not a good way to compensate for not living with both parents.

SpangledBoots · 26/11/2016 12:31

I've been the kid that wasn't included on family holiday with my dad's 'new' family and quite frankly...although they went to fabulous places...I wouldn't have wanted to go because the tension and awkwardness would have been awful.

Is there a way you could ask DSS/his mum now about whether or not he wants to go? If he says no, then it's not an issue for him. If he says yes, you'll need to put your foot down with your parents.

MulberryBush12 · 26/11/2016 12:32

I think you should firstly ask your SS's mother and SS would he be able to come on holiday at said date. That shapes your plans. If the answer is a resounding no, then go away with your 2 DDs on your own.
Like your DH, I think I would feel too guilty to go and would stay at home, (maybe irrationally if SS refuses to go anyway). But there is no reason for you & DDs not to go along.
It's a tricky situation not black & white; some of the responses to your OP are overly-critical especially LucyLogosi -unnecessarily nasty IMO.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/11/2016 12:38

I think it would be unfair on your DDs not to go - you say DS is getting 2 other holidays anyway.
If he lived with you it might be different, but he doesn't.
Should his 2 holidays be cancelled because your DDs aren't going? I think your DH is being unfair to you and DDs.

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