Step Son's Birthday

[36plusandtrying]

Advice needed, it's coming up to my SS birthday. I have been with my husband for 9+ years and it's his son's 9th birthday party approaching. We have a difficult relationship with his sons mum. Last year was the first year I was involved/invited to his party. It was a great day had by all and I was thanked genuinely by his mum for the effort I put in. This year we had planned to take him on holiday for his birthday, which was agreed upon and then cancelled at the last minute. Which is fine, we've moved on from that. Now we have been asked to pay for his party which of course we have agreed on. But now it has come to light that my SS doesn't want me to be there. (Bear in mind the ex told him this and we have yet to hear it from him) - the reason for this is that I don't dress like other mums .... before you all paint pictures of a bra less Kim kardashian, reject from Geordie shore or alternative tattooed rocker ! I'm just always well put together - make up, hair, heels (where appropriate) more holly Willoughby than TOWIE tramp. Should I respect this and not attend ? Or put it down to childish jealousy from the ex who still carries a flame for my husband and go anyway ? I could understand if this was a painfully recent, but I have been in my SS life for 9 years ! I've missed so much to spare her feelings already .... I don't want to miss anymore ! HELP

I see what you're saying Swing, but I got the impression it's the other way around. The Mother's partner can't be there due to work commitments so she's sent that text with a nasty little dig at the OP to ensure she can't come. OP said he was working away so the mother is going to be the alone and the Father will have OP. Which is a sad day for her but not OP's problem.

The obvious thing to do here would be for you or your DH to talk to your DSS and find out what he actually wants. Though of course you risk stressing him out if he feels obliged to be loyal to his mum if this is really coming from her - even if he would actually like to have you there he may prefer to keep his mum happy by not having you there IYSWIM. And there isn't much you can do about that unless you're prepared to run the risk of going anyway and having some sort of drama or attitude from her on the day which would be a real shame for your DSS.

Another possibility is that he doesn't want stepparents there because of judgement from his friends. DSS went through a period around aged 7 or 8 where he was teased for having 'two dads' because both his step dad and his real dad were present at his birthday party. It was awful, he was really upset. If this sort of thing is what is going on with your DSS, it would be kinder for you to stay away.

Why would a 9 year old boy care how you dress?

I wouldn't pay for a party if I was excluded. Being a step mum is all or nothing IMO. My daughter would not be allowed to pick and choose which bits of mum to have, why should step son?

I think your SS is repeating what his mum has told him to say.

Wow what a cheek! I haven't read anyone else but I would sack the lot and have your own party. Last year we were invited to 6 year olds stepson party (can't help but think I'd just had a baby was fat as a house so could be a subject to poke fun at with her mates) this year none of us invited not even his little sister here which boiled my blood! To top that we were told we basically wouldn't see him for the 5 whole days either side. I don't think so! We demanded we had him on his bday if only from 2 and we had a big party here :)

Sorry?!? She wants you to pay for the party but you can't be there?! Errrrrm I would let her host her own part and you throw a separate party for your SS.

Absolutely shocking behaviour! I hope your DH is supports you ..... I am gobsmacked 😳

Another one thinking if you have a strong enough relationship with your DSS then surely you can just ask him. Obviously make it as easy as possible for him to say he doesn't want you there. Tell him you won't take it personally, it's fine, it's his day etc.

As for paying for it, are you paying for it, you and his dad or his dad? I'm not quite sure about that. I think if his dad (and you) can offer to take him away for his birthday but he wants a party instead you can afford to throw him a party. But maybe in the lead up to next year talk to him and get his dad to organise it, or organise it on DH's behalf. Invite his mum and her DP.

I would just roll my eyes and not go. Someone has to pay the party - if his dad normally does then I'd do it this year to avoid upsetting dss. Next year he should tell the ex in good time that you are going to organise your own celebration and she should do the same.

I'd go, she's jealous of you! You could always say I'm not stopping I've got an errand to run but show your face so that SS knows you care. We all know this is his mum twisting things.

I think you shouldn't go. It doesn't matter the reasons why , don't go for your step sons sake.

You've been asked not to go
A. Because ex is being off. Your son will be stuck in the middle. If you go he'll feel like he's betraying his mum and feel bad.
B. He doesn't want you there.

Either way going will have a negative effect on him. I'd do something separate or him. Take him and a pal to a theme park or something.

Oops excuse the typos.

From what the OP has put, it's not clear whether this is her dss real feelings or whether his mum has taken something and spun it. It's also not clear if mum's bf has been asked not to come so is working, or whether he's working so can't come. It's worth OP or her DH gently trying to find out why but not to push it.
If it's not resolved then I think don't go just in case he didn't want you there.
My DP and his ex do birthdays separately, it's so much easier.

I think it's awful how you have been treated , you sound a nice step mum , I know it's a different world on mums net but I would not be ok with this. Obviously ideal is for a child to live happily with both parents but they split a long time ago, why carry on acting like they are still a couple, doing a party between them with respective partners uninvited is awful and I know a lot of people would not be ok with this, your dss may prefer to have just his parents there but this IMO is very disrespectful to you and if your partner and his ex didn't want to have to concider the needs of a new partner and want their son to experience times with mum and dad together they shouldn't have split up. Also, even if it is dss wish for you not to go allowing him this is giving him a clear message you are not important which IMO is strange for a child to have the message you are not important in his life even though you are with his dad.

So start having separate celebrations. He does something with his DM and her DP on his birthday one year, then with you and his DH the following year. The other couple see him the weekend after.

Don't pay for a party you are not allowed to attend!