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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step Son's Birthday

63 replies

36plusandtrying · 11/11/2016 21:27

Advice needed, it's coming up to my SS birthday. I have been with my husband for 9+ years and it's his son's 9th birthday party approaching. We have a difficult relationship with his sons mum. Last year was the first year I was involved/invited to his party. It was a great day had by all and I was thanked genuinely by his mum for the effort I put in. This year we had planned to take him on holiday for his birthday, which was agreed upon and then cancelled at the last minute. Which is fine, we've moved on from that. Now we have been asked to pay for his party which of course we have agreed on. But now it has come to light that my SS doesn't want me to be there. (Bear in mind the ex told him this and we have yet to hear it from him) - the reason for this is that I don't dress like other mums .... before you all paint pictures of a bra less Kim kardashian, reject from Geordie shore or alternative tattooed rocker ! I'm just always well put together - make up, hair, heels (where appropriate) more holly Willoughby than TOWIE tramp. Should I respect this and not attend ? Or put it down to childish jealousy from the ex who still carries a flame for my husband and go anyway ? I could understand if this was a painfully recent, but I have been in my SS life for 9 years ! I've missed so much to spare her feelings already .... I don't want to miss anymore ! HELP

OP posts:

paxillin · 11/11/2016 23:31

Write back "terribly sorry, the idiotic wife will no longer pay for the party". If you have paid everything already, make sure you don't again. Pay for a bash you throw and no more.

Lostsoul231 · 11/11/2016 23:32

Oh gosh. That's really nasty! She does sound jealous! She needs to get over that for the sake of her son.

As for your stepson despising you, I don't believe he does. You'be not mentioned that you don't get on with your stepson. Those appear to be her words, not his. Her trying to turn her son against you is only going to hurt him in the long term. Disgusting of her to do that.

Lostsoul231 · 11/11/2016 23:35

I bet her partner doesn't want to attend or has other commitments that day so she feels awkward being there on her own with you two there as a couple. I get that but she needs to get over it for the sake of her son. If I were you, I'd just go. You and your husband have paid for the party. You have the right to be there

Original poster

36plusandtrying · 11/11/2016 23:36

No I don't think he does, I think sometimes he will say things to his mum so as not to upset her. I don't think a little one who hated you would be texting you on a Friday night to ask when you were coming home from work or would give you a massive hug when you came in the door - it's sad But I think he is being manipulated

OP posts:

Original poster

36plusandtrying · 11/11/2016 23:37

Yip I'm going with bells on - I think you hit the nail on the head. Her new boyfriend is working away at the weekend - so she will be alone

OP posts:

Lostsoul231 · 11/11/2016 23:40

It sounds like your stepson is being manipulated by his mum. Your husband needs to nip that in the bud adapt as it is a form of emotional abuse in my opinion

HeddaGarbled · 11/11/2016 23:51

I think it's time for you and your H to celebrate his son's birthday separately from her. So if she wants to organise a party, no problem, but she pays for it and organises it and your H doesn't go. Then you and your H do something with him separately. Not weekends in Bali, that's over the top. A party or celebration at your house with your H's family and any friends your SS wants.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/11/2016 00:35

Wow vicious! He despises her. - that is absolutely awful. It is really wrong of her. Absolutely please say to your DP not to go, if he does he will be agreeing that her venom against you and it's affect on her son is OK. Never give her money again! Absolutely shocking.

Original poster

36plusandtrying · 12/11/2016 03:44

My husband will go to the party regardless, so that she can't have the moral high ground. Originally the party was planned when we were away and couldn't attend - but she still wanted us to pay! It was only when my husband refused to contribute (ie not paying because you've organised it out of spite) that was when she moved it to a weekend he was available - to pay the bill ! Then that's when the ridiculous caveat was wrapped around it !! It's so hard ... if we don't pay, she will tell her son he can't have the party he wants because his dad won't spend the money on him ! Am I being ridiculous for letting this upset me ?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 12/11/2016 05:38

When I was a kid of divorced parents, I would have love it if either step-parents had not come to my birthday parties. I saw it as MY time, so time with my parents only. Time when it was about me, not about family tension, feeling the stress of the animosity between parents/SP. I never had the guts to say anything though, not even to my parents, so went with it and ended up never really looking to my birthdays.

Asking you not to be there is clearly not personal as he has also asked his SD not to come, a key factor that you left out until you last message. So clearly it's not just about mum having a go at you, but clearly about how the boy feels which I expect is very similar to how I felt. Since the step-dad isn't going, is it really such hardship for you to stay away too?

The alternative is of course to go, monopolise your husband attention because you'll feel you need his constant support, bring in tension as clearly the mum will not be happy, resulting in your SS feeling that he can't relax and really enjoy his special day. If you think that's ok, go ahead, but don't be surprise if your relationship with your SS gets even worse afterwards.

Original poster

36plusandtrying · 12/11/2016 05:54

Hi swing of things - thanks for your feedback I don't have a bad relationship with my SS, so I don't see how this could make the relationship worse. My concern is that I don't go and his mother will spin a lie to my SS about why I'm not there - ie your father idiotic wife was too busy to even come to your birthday ... see my point?

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/11/2016 06:28

Asking you not to be there is clearly not personal as he has also asked his SD not to come, a key factor that you left out until you last message

How is the message the mother has sent to OP not personal

mydietstartsmonday · 12/11/2016 06:54

Go for the start. Take a lovely present just from you. Hug him, give him his present, tell him you live him and at you are going to leave now so he can enjoy his party with his friends and his mum and dad. Tell him there is a special cake waiting for him next time he is there. Hug the exw, turn on your neat heals, with a waft of perfume and go.

Lunar1 · 12/11/2016 07:28

He may have said those things, maybe he really cherishes that once a year on his birthday his parents get together and give him a party.

Children do go through phases where they are embarrassed by us for different reasons. His mum should have phrased it differently in the text but that doesn't mean it didn't come from her son.

I think whatever the reasons you should do whatever makes things best for your husbands son, his birthday isn't the time for anyone to be marking territory.

allnewredfairy · 12/11/2016 08:03

I actually agree with Swings. My DD has a step mum and step dad (my DH) but she much prefers her birthday to be with me and EXH. We have done a mixture of parties or meals together or separately over the years. The overriding factor should be what the child is comfortable with. It may well be that your Ss is being manipulated but likewise he may have picked up on his mums tension and decided he would rather you not be there. For his sake you may decide to graciously step back.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/11/2016 08:05

There is one thing saying please don't come.

Completely another for OP to pay and the DSC mother to send that message.

Original poster

36plusandtrying · 12/11/2016 08:40

There has been 7 birthdays that I haven't been involved in. Where I stepped back graciously so to speak. But last year I was very much involved, I wasn't peacocking about or fawning over my husband. I just hung back - looked after my SS and his mates ! Gave them lots of drinks ( it was a ridiculously hot day and we were outside) took loads of pictures, made sure he got lots of him and his mum and dad. Most importantly made sure he had fun and felt loved from us all (he has never known anything different than his parents apart) The tension was left at the door ... I'm just confused !! Damned if I do damned if I don't

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 12/11/2016 08:54

But you are wanting to attend for the wrong reasons.
You want to go because you went last year.
You want to go because the cost has come from your family pot.
You want to go because the ex does not want you to.
Not once have you said you want to go because that is what Dss wants...

BestZebbie · 12/11/2016 10:41

There's a lot about how you have paid for this party - is that literally true (separate finances, paying from your own part) or do you mean that the child's father is paying for his sons party from a joint pot that he shares with you? If the latter, yes, so he should be, that is normal, not special or really down to 'you'.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/11/2016 15:42

This isn't just a SS being uncomfortable, because a) it doesn't sound like he is and b) the tension comes from the mother.

Also the Ex has been particularly vindictive. I would be very upset. Also this is only ever going to make it uncomfortable at family events. This is plenty reason to not do any joint parent events in the future as ultimately it is SS who suffers from the spitefulness of his mum towards a significant adult in his life.

franincisco · 12/11/2016 17:55

^This. It can be really stressful for a child in this situation and it can totally ruin the day. I do think the ex is playing it up though. I'm not sure why you are paying for these parties?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/11/2016 18:22

Yes but if the Ex does get her way by being spiteful about the SM, then she'll just carry on using that, which is going to increase the tension for SS in other ways such as stirring up more trouble.

I know in SSs eyes his parents being together is fine, and also it sounds like he doesn't mind the SM being there at all, but he is too young to know that his Mum is using this to manipulate his Dad. That is never going to end well and will cause more problems in the future.

franincisco · 12/11/2016 18:47

Yes I agree that the DP needs to ascertain whether this is indeed the ds' wish or if the ex is completely fabricating it.

Banana I realized when I was very young when either of my parents were trying to manipulate a situation

paxillin · 12/11/2016 18:50

If it really is the dss rather than his mum, I'd stay away. I'd make clear I won't pay though. At 9, he is old enough to know you cannot ban the sponsor from an event.

swingofthings · 13/11/2016 09:38

I don't have a bad relationship with my SS, so I don't see how this could make the relationship worse. My concern is that I don't go and his mother will spin a lie to my SS about why I'm not there
So in this instance, why can't you talk to him and say that you understand he would rather that only his two parents were present and you are therefore respecting his choice. If it is his mother twisting thing, than surely you will know from his reaction as you would expect him to say something like 'oh, I never said you couldn't come, it wouldn't be the same without you, please do come'.

I don't believe that it is the mother playing it up because if she was, she would have come up with an excuse as to why OP wasn't welcome, but her partner was. The fact that HE isn't going either is very much telling. I am getting the feeling of a kid stuck in between and no daring to say to his dad and OP what he really feels because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

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