finding change to contact difficult

[mastersledge]

I have nc for this as don't want this to be linked to usual name.

I know I am probably being a bitch but I am really struggling.

We have recently moved to the coast much closer to dsc, it used to be a 3 hour roundtrip to collect them and now they are able to get the bus from school and be with is in 20 minutes, this is obviously good and the reason we moved where we did.

The part I am struggling with is dh wants them both to have their own keys, so they can come whenever they want and let themselves in. Which I can see the logic but I wanted them to text etc. to let us know they were coming round for 2 main reasons, 1) dh works till 10..30pm about 3 nights a week, so I don't really see the point in them coming round when he's not there and I also enjoy having the odd evening to myself, 2) so I know about food, they eat continuously, to the point where I have stopped buying multipacks of crisps as in an evening, they will eat 16 packs between them, which is ridiculous. Also for dinner.

I also think that I am having a hard time adjusting to every other week, to pretty much whenever they want and just wondering in.

DH says they should come and go as they please and we wouldn't ask ds (who is 2) when he's older his exact itinerary, which I don't agree with, I will want to know where ds is and whether he's eating etc.

We are at a standstill and he's going tomorrow to get the keys cut and I am feeling very invaded.

Any words of advice please.

Well you sound very fair and understanding OP. But I'd still be wary. You've moved your whole life basically to accommodate your DPs children.

Having a regular, predictable structure for step kids is much better for them in my book, and sounds like your DP is getting carried away in a fantasy land. It's actually quite difficult for teenagers to not really know where they are going to from day to day, or to remember to text. It just creates so many stress points that just don't need to be there. Your DP is not the full-time parent so it's more about him feeling like his kids are there, then the reality of actually parenting them well, creating boundaries.

Good luck.

I suppose that's the point of the 3 months, see if we can get a routine and get texting ect sorted, if not I suppose well have to make it more structured with specific days etc

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think this kind of problem will likely never be resolved. They're his DC, he wants them to feel totally welcome to be in his home any time they like. They're not your DC and basically you are being asked to share your home with two people, for whom you are never going to feel the unconditional love, that their dad obviously does....so you feel invaded!
Like the other similar poster on MN, it's a no win situation for you, complain about it, you'll cause all kinds of upset....don't complain about it, you'll continue to simmer with resentment!
Really sorry, I have no actually help to offer!

Great posts, Bananasinpyjamas1.

I think the problems with the 'come and go as you please scenario' are not about a step parent being unwilling or unwelcoming. I've had a step child full-time and at least the boundaries were clear, for a time!

Even without a step parent there, this is more about a parent being in denial about the reality of splitting up. The is not one home anymore for the kids. There are two. This is not co parenting at its best, but at its worst. The idea that kids are able to manage this themselves, or teenagers, is asking for trouble.

As it turns out the dsc were telling their mum before they left for school if they would be at ours, so she knew not to expect them. Which thinking about it makes sense as she never complained about missed meals etc.

So obviously they are deciding before school, they can text then to, to check with us or to let us know.

Ex has said that she would prefer a more structured contact for 11 year old, so dh and her are going to meet with dsc after school on Friday and go through it.

I have asked dh at the same time to go through the boundaries and to speak to dsd about letting us know etc. Still not entirely sure he won't give her a key but he has agreed 3 months at the moment.

So we will see.

I'm so pleased you've been able to reach a compromise. That bodes well.

To counter Banana's and wdigin's posts IME things can and do improve as everyone adjusts to a new situation. I hope that's the case for you.

The chat with mum sounds good too.

YANBU OP. Of course his children should generally feel welcome and at home at yours. To me that does not equate to being able to come and go as they please with no warning.

I would definitely expect DP to let me know in advance if he wasn't going to be home for dinner. Or if he was supposed to be going away for the weekend but it got cancelled, I'd like him to tell me that rather than just hang around until I realised he wasnt going after all.

Its the same thing with your DSC in this case. They need to have it explained to them why it is basic courtesy to warn affected parties of their plans.

That's before getting into the issues of whether it would actually be better for them to have a proper routine and whether they should be able to choose for themselves which house they go to when. PPs have raised some excellent pounts about the problems this can cause.

I'd probably give them keys but with clear guidance on not just coming and going but giving notice at the very least. And if this is ignored or disrespected, no more keys.

Oops, missed the last page of posts somehow! But glad to read your recent posts OP, things are looking good.

I have had 1 DSC live full time with us and 1 live part time. I found it much easier to accept the full time one coming and going. They are both my DSC but I absolutely resented having one "pop in" when it suited them. Surely it should be about when it suits everyone concerned.

I know not everyone will agree but I don't think a lot of parents would expect their kids to just show up at grandparents and expect a meal at short notice quite regularly. I think most people would want their kids to be considerate. The reality of "two homes" is that there are two families with two lives who aren't just sitting around each day waiting to be graced with the presence of the kids.

Structure and routine might be considered "boring" by some teens but that is the way they are going to have to live their adult lives. Not many jobs work on a "come in if you feel like it" basis. Step parents are entitled to down time and to have a say over their lives just as much as parents, children and step children.

No-one needs to be nasty, I just take it as a given that everyone in the family should be respected.

I agree with the above posters. It's not about not making a child feel welcome. It's the wisdom of giving teenagers management of their parents, rather than the other way around.

I also think it is important to consider the impact of any child arrangements on a step parent too. I mean we all know how hard it can be to make a step family work. It is fraught with potential problems, even with great kids and great parents. Why make it 10 times harder by throwing uncertainty and total lack of any control into the mix?

I think that the concept of "making a DSC feel welcome" is also worth examining. IMO DSC are more likely to feel welcome if there is a nice meal and a place set for them at table when they show up at a pre-agreed time than if they show up when they please and have to rummage in the freezer for a read meal to microwave.

I think it's quite possible to make DSC feel welcome without letting them rule your household,