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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

finding change to contact difficult

114 replies

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 12:10

I have nc for this as don't want this to be linked to usual name.

I know I am probably being a bitch but I am really struggling.

We have recently moved to the coast much closer to dsc, it used to be a 3 hour roundtrip to collect them and now they are able to get the bus from school and be with is in 20 minutes, this is obviously good and the reason we moved where we did.

The part I am struggling with is dh wants them both to have their own keys, so they can come whenever they want and let themselves in. Which I can see the logic but I wanted them to text etc. to let us know they were coming round for 2 main reasons, 1) dh works till 10..30pm about 3 nights a week, so I don't really see the point in them coming round when he's not there and I also enjoy having the odd evening to myself, 2) so I know about food, they eat continuously, to the point where I have stopped buying multipacks of crisps as in an evening, they will eat 16 packs between them, which is ridiculous. Also for dinner.

I also think that I am having a hard time adjusting to every other week, to pretty much whenever they want and just wondering in.

DH says they should come and go as they please and we wouldn't ask ds (who is 2) when he's older his exact itinerary, which I don't agree with, I will want to know where ds is and whether he's eating etc.

We are at a standstill and he's going tomorrow to get the keys cut and I am feeling very invaded.

Any words of advice please.

OP posts:

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 14:30

It's not so much that dh hands responsibility over to me but he's not physically here to cook dinner etc. and I still maintain that they are primarily there to see their dad so why not text and check he'll be home?

I know I'll get flamed for saying this but I don't really think it is there home, they have a home at their mums where all their stuff is and where they spend (or until recently) the majority of their time.

I certainly never thought of my dad and sm house as my home, it was my dads house and I was welcome but it wasn't home.

They are welcome and I do get on really well with them, however I still think that a text to say they're coming isn't expecting to much and also to come when their dad is home. They have four evenings a week he is home, plus eow when is there during the day. It's not like I am trying to stop contact.

OP posts:

Somerville · 12/10/2016 14:31

Oh dear, poor kids.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 14:40

That is so sad. You just see them as guests or visitors then? Not family?

It should be two homes that they feel comfortable in with both of their families. Not one home and one place they have to check into because their step mum doesn't want to be inconvenienced by their presence.

CozyAutumn · 12/10/2016 14:41

I certainly never thought of my dad and sm house as my home, it was my dads house and I was welcome but it wasn't home.

I was the same with my mum's house. I always used to call my dad's house "home" but never thought of my mum's as a my other home.

Aderyn2016 · 12/10/2016 14:42

Why 'poor kids' and the sad face?
The OP just wants to be in control of her own time and for the children's parent to be physically present and responsible for the majority of the time they are there.

Aderyn2016 · 12/10/2016 14:44

You can consider people to be family and still not want to give them complete free access to your house and be responsible for feeding/entertaining them whenever they choose.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 14:45

The OP deserves some control over her own home. It is very poor parenting to give teenaged DC control of their own whereabouts. They need to understand about respect, privacy and boundaries.

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 14:52

of course I think of them as family, but that doesn't mean that I think of it as their home, they are welcome and are very comfortable here. We have a good relationship.

We plan all holidays with them in mind, all activities we do we have done and will continue to plan with the assumption that they will come, we have family lunches together most weeks now on a Sunday, I will drop them home, take them shopping etc. So don't poor kids them, they are in now way disadvantaged.

OP posts:

Dollyparton3 · 12/10/2016 14:55

never in a million years would I give DSS and DSD keys to our home, the thought is there at the back of my mind that one day, we'd be away and they'd throw a party. It happens all the time to other people.

I would however offer a few evenings a week when they are free to come and go, and would ask for a polite text in advance and would arrange a key to be left out for them in advance if I wasnt going to be there. Its how my in law's make arrangements with DSS and DSD.

to all intents and purposes aside from that, our home should be considered home for DSS and DSD. But DSD has a history of p*ss taking so there are healthy boundaries in place.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 14:57

mastersledge - just ignore posters who suggest you are a cruel stepmother unless you let your DSCs do exactly as they please.

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 14:57

The poor kids thing has pissed me off.

I moved 1.5 hours away from all my friends and family to a place I wouldn't have ever thought to live in, leaving my job and the place I grew up so they could have more/easier contact. So please don't paint me as someone rho doesn't want them around or think of them as family

OP posts:

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 14:59

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

My own DD isn't free to come and go at will so why would I have let the DSSs come and go at will?

Aderyn2016 · 12/10/2016 15:02

Take no notice OP. Some people think that step parents are second class citizens who shouldn't expect any consideration in their own house!

I do think you have a dh problem though. You have made all these changes to your life in order to facilitate better access to his dc but he is ignoring how you feel. Why is everything on his terms?

Maybe83 · 12/10/2016 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 15:04

Yes, ignore anyone with a different opinion. Blinkers on is the way to go

Maybe83 has it spot on.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 15:06

Children are not equal members with adults of any family.

paxillin · 12/10/2016 15:10

People always say "it's the DSC's home, too". In my experience, it really isn't. Very few people have a second home. Usually in Spain or something like that.

Ours is a functioning stepfamily. DSS is welcome here, he is lovely and has a great relationship with his younger siblings. He has stuff here and comes often. It still isn't home. Home is mum's house. My DH claims this is home, too. But DSS never says he's going "back to mum's". He isn't "coming home" when he visits. He's coming to dad's house and going home to his mum's.

Two homes sounds lovely. It's rarely true. 5 year olds might humour you and call it home, teens don't.

GeorgeTheThird · 12/10/2016 15:11

You need to give them keys and make them welcome, I'm afraid. But everyone needs to know where they will be and when, for planning food and schoolwork. A very flexible arrangement can only work if the parents liaise, I think.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 15:19

My DSSs called our old apartment "home". It's where they lived, got fed, supported etc. But they weren't free to come and go at will! That's what made it home - a secure place with boundaries.

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 15:21

I am not ignoring anyone with a different point of view, I am taking it in but I don't really agree.

I do view them as equal members of the family, but I don't think it is there home, paxillin is expressing it better than me.

We did move closer so they could see us more than every other week, but I don't see the problem with a text to say they're coming or to check that its actually convenient, that we're home etc. They do come to see their dad, so why not check that he is home? That we have food?

OP posts:

FluttershyStare · 12/10/2016 15:23

I think the key part is a bit of a red herring, I wouldn't have had a key at 15, never mind 11!

To my mind, it's good manners to text ahead to say they're coming so at least you have some idea of what's going on.

I completely understand how you feel, It's the not knowing that's a bother, especially if you were hoping for a slob night in pjs and the silence! Ah silence ...

steppinstone · 12/10/2016 15:33

Unfortunately YABU although your feelings are completely reasonable. Unfortunately you have to keep them to yourself.

Teens do turn up and often with friends and there isn't much you can do about it as a step parent except go to bed with a bottle of wine. Good luck - this next stage is really tough I think n

Somerville · 12/10/2016 15:38

I also agree with Maybe83.

Your DH clearly thinks that his home is also his children's home, OP - or wants it to be, if it isn't already. This is clear by him giving them keys and encouraging them to come at any time, without even texting a heads-up.
So whilst some women marry men who are happy for their DC to not be encouraged to see their dad's home as their own, you are not is that situation. It'll probably cause considerable resentment between you unless one of you changes your opinion.
Sorry, but I hope that's not him for his kids' sake.
And I'm interested - I see plenty of step mother's claiming that their home isn't also their DH's children's home. But the home always seems to be their own children's home (if they have them)? There is a double standard there that I find uncomfortable. If my fiancé, who just moved in, tried to claim that it was more his home than my children's because he is an adult then frankly he can go live on his own and enjoy all the solitude in the world.

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 15:43

it's ds home because it is the only place he lives, if me and DH split, it would still be his home as it would be where he primarily lives. it is nothing to do with being an adult. If my dsc came and lived with is full time it would be their home and they would visit their mums.

OP posts:

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 15:46

When my parents split, I lived with my mum and visited my dad. It wasn't my home it was my dad and sm and stepbothers home. I called before going round to give them a heads up and check they were home and it was convenient and you know what I never felt unwelcome or unwanted, I had a great relationship with my dad and my step family.

I don't see why being courteous and checking it's ok to pop over means that I don't view them as family or what them around?

OP posts:

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