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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

finding change to contact difficult

114 replies

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 12:10

I have nc for this as don't want this to be linked to usual name.

I know I am probably being a bitch but I am really struggling.

We have recently moved to the coast much closer to dsc, it used to be a 3 hour roundtrip to collect them and now they are able to get the bus from school and be with is in 20 minutes, this is obviously good and the reason we moved where we did.

The part I am struggling with is dh wants them both to have their own keys, so they can come whenever they want and let themselves in. Which I can see the logic but I wanted them to text etc. to let us know they were coming round for 2 main reasons, 1) dh works till 10..30pm about 3 nights a week, so I don't really see the point in them coming round when he's not there and I also enjoy having the odd evening to myself, 2) so I know about food, they eat continuously, to the point where I have stopped buying multipacks of crisps as in an evening, they will eat 16 packs between them, which is ridiculous. Also for dinner.

I also think that I am having a hard time adjusting to every other week, to pretty much whenever they want and just wondering in.

DH says they should come and go as they please and we wouldn't ask ds (who is 2) when he's older his exact itinerary, which I don't agree with, I will want to know where ds is and whether he's eating etc.

We are at a standstill and he's going tomorrow to get the keys cut and I am feeling very invaded.

Any words of advice please.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 12/10/2016 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mastersledge · 12/10/2016 15:50

TBH more often than not if they texted and said at lunch time can I pop round tonight I would say yes no problem, means I know they are coming, I can pop to supermarket on way home for food, regardless of whether their dad is there. It's not about not having them at the house.

It's the unexpected nature of it.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 12/10/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorgeTheThird · 12/10/2016 15:53

Teenagers are a bit random thougha nd they don't plan ahead too brilliantly. It's the nature of the beast, even the good ones.

KarmaNoMore · 12/10/2016 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 · 12/10/2016 16:01

the point is they aren’t resident with you, so while they probably don’t need to give their DM an exact itinerary, it is fair for them to let you know when they intend to come round

I agree. Under no other circumstances would anyone be suggesting that non-residents have a key and can arrive unannounced and/or let themselves into someone’s home. In this situation, there’s a huge difference between being resident and non-resident.

And before anyone argues that the children have two homes, and are therefore residents of each, I would suggest that that their main residence is with mum, and that they have access visits to Dads. Only the Queen has multiple main residences.

They certainly don’t need to be around when their Dad’s at work. OP – I wish you luck with this one, DH and I fought bitterly over the same subject. One of our issues being that DSS was never (and probably still isn’t) able to lock up after himself, he’d leave the hob switched on, often used to accidentally shut pets into the wrong rooms etc. – he really wasn’t responsible enough to have a key. And more to the point he didn’t actually need a key to our home, as he didn’t live there.

Somerville · 12/10/2016 16:02

Most of my youngest child's friends' parents who are divorced have 50/50 residence, or close to it, as that is now generally the starting point in mediation and court. Is that the only circumstance in which you would consider both parent's house to be home? Or would it still just be the mothers?

Personally, wherever my children are sleeping that night, my home is theirs. Just like I have a key to my parents home (aged 40!) and can turn up at anytime or day or night.

J0kersSmile · 12/10/2016 16:05

I think you'll have to find a way to put it to the dc that you like having peace and quiet with no one around when dh is at work without hurting their feelings or making them feel rejected. Your dh won't understand it as he won't want to see it as it is.

There isn't anything wrong with wanting your own time. Could you not say hi kids your dad's not in and I'm just about to have a bath and a glass of wine before bed so you'll have to come over on whatever day dh isn't working late again when they turn up.

You do have a dh problem if he will ride over your pov with the key thing.

Manumission · 12/10/2016 16:11

OP just try to imagine that you have 3 DC, and that you love them all just as passionately as you love your DS, but that divorce has meant you have spent much less time with two of them than the other one.

You miss those two all the time and of COURSE you want to include them in as much of your life as you can.

Now that they are entering the secondary years, you are well aware of the increasing demands on their time and that sometimes with teens casual scraps of day to day life between other things is as good as it gets.

Besides, all three are your adored DC and any home of yours is their home too; that's instinctive.

Now imagine that your DP wants to keep the older two on 'visiting extended family' terms of knocking on the door and Sunday manners. How would you feel?

Clearly your IH things his home IS their home too. Hence the keys. So you have a bit of chasm in feeling there.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 16:18

"Teens do turn up and often with friends and there isn't much you can do about it as a step parent"

Teens do not "turn up and often with friends" unless you allow that. No teen has ever been allowed to do that in our family (either at our home or at the DSSs' mother's home).

plastique · 12/10/2016 16:18

I'm a sp to 4 who are now adults.
I'd be really surprised if your sk's turn up without prior checking who's there! I, as a sm, would be utterly flattered if my sk's wanted to come and go when their d is out and to feel comfortable to come and go...embrace it and see how it goes is my advice

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 16:19

"Just like I have a key to my parents home (aged 40!) and can turn up at anytime or day or night."

How very, very bizarre.

Petal02 · 12/10/2016 16:19

And there's also the possibility of neither parent knowing where they are, each thinking the children are with the other parent. Not to mention the children deliberately playing one side off against the other ...

Peach9876 · 12/10/2016 16:20

I get what OP is saying. She's not asking for DSC to be banished, or that they can only come when she has nothing better to do. She just wants a heads up, and a bit more stability.
If they lived there and she had a more responsible role for their care and whereabouts (which to me falls to which parent they are supposed to be with) then I'm sure she would want to know if they weren't coming home for tea. And would probably have more conversations about whereabouts, plans etc on both sides. Ie this wicked step mum (I think you sound like a wonderful step mum personally) could say I'm going to have a lazy night tonight, microwave meal, pjs and tv. Or say I'm going out with friends, or shopping or whatever.
I'd be concerned if I was this poor OP that if I went out that the kids might turn up and need something ie a lift home, a proper meal, help with homework and expect me to be there all the time.
My parents would of freaked if at 15 (never mind 11) I didn't ask (not tell) them if I could go to so and so's for tea, or if it was okay I'd be home later as I wanted to go to wherever.

I try to have an open door policy with my sister, she's still young and at home and our parents aren't the greatest by any means. I've offered she move in, and can come whenever. But I still expect a text to say 'the 'rents are doing my head in and is it okay if I crash for a few days'.

Manumission · 12/10/2016 16:21

Bobo I've long wondered; do you bathe in laundry starch?

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 16:22

"And there's also the possibility of neither parent knowing where they are, each thinking the children are with the other parent. Not to mention the children deliberately playing one side off against the other ..."

Well exactly. It's inviting abuse!

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 16:25

Yeah, it's not as if some sort of letting the other parent know system could be arranged or anything. Goodness no!

Petal02 · 12/10/2016 16:28

Letting the other parent know if they arrive at your house requires a level of co-parenting not always present in separated couples.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 16:31

Is the teenager or child not capable of it? Eg "oh hello darling stepchild, nice to see you, make sure you let your mum know you're here" and making sure the child rings/texts quick. It really isn't hard.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 16:33

Crikey, to what extent are stepparents supposed to facilitate their DSCs' lives? DSCs showing up whenever they feel like it and then being chivvied by SPs into telling their other parent where they are?

I have years of very successful step parenting behind me and would never, ever have accepted that kind of arrangement. I'm not the nanny.

Debrathezebra · 12/10/2016 16:37

It's not a dh problem if he gives them keys, any more than it's a dw problem if he does what she wants. It's a difference of opinion.

I'd be ok with them having keys. It's one of those situations where I ask myself what I'd do if it were my own dd. I ask dd to let me know where she is, what time to expect her home (or vice versa, what time I'd like her home) when she's out and about with her friends, so I'd want the heads up to expect them. I think my concern about it all would be if each home thought they were at the others, and as said earlier, whether mum was expecting to feed them.

Could you both talk to their mum and see what she feels? With a mum hat on I think I'd just like to know whether to expect them or not, and I'd want to make sure that homework is getting done. I'd be expecting them to text you as well.

I don't think you are being a bitch, I think you are getting used to massive changes to your life, and I think things will settle down into a new normal for you, your dh and your DSC. It's new for everyone.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 16:38

I think I've gathered what kind of stepparent you are/were

God forbid somebody remind a child who isn't related to them by blood to do something!

swingofthings · 12/10/2016 16:51

There is a difference between being flexible and having no routine at all. I find it very odd that at 15, let alone 11, they come and go between the two houses deciding which they go to at the last minute. Surely they must tell their mum if they are coming to yours or wouldn't she worry if they just didn't show up?

DC have quite a flexible arrangement with their dad/SM. That means that they are with me during the week, and then with their dad Friday/Saturday as standard. Occasionally, they will go during the week (if something happens in their town, or they are celebrating a special occasion), and also might not go on until the Saturday, or sometimes go the whole week-end, or sometimes swapping Saturday for Sunday, but they will always have a reason for doing so AND will always informed their dad/SM, probably not as early as they would wish, but still at least with 24 hours warning at least.

It's nothing to do with being a parent vs step-parent. I would be a bit annoyed if my kids came back from their dad a day early and just showed up without telling me about it. I don't think it has ever happened because they know I wouldn't be happy about it.

Bobochic · 12/10/2016 17:23

"I would be a bit annoyed if my kids came back from their dad a day early and just showed up without telling me about it. I don't think it has ever happened because they know I wouldn't be happy about it."

Exactly.

Somerville · 12/10/2016 17:48

Bobo What to you seems bizarre, is to other families unconditional love and acceptance.

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