finding change to contact difficult

[mastersledge]

I have nc for this as don't want this to be linked to usual name.

I know I am probably being a bitch but I am really struggling.

We have recently moved to the coast much closer to dsc, it used to be a 3 hour roundtrip to collect them and now they are able to get the bus from school and be with is in 20 minutes, this is obviously good and the reason we moved where we did.

The part I am struggling with is dh wants them both to have their own keys, so they can come whenever they want and let themselves in. Which I can see the logic but I wanted them to text etc. to let us know they were coming round for 2 main reasons, 1) dh works till 10..30pm about 3 nights a week, so I don't really see the point in them coming round when he's not there and I also enjoy having the odd evening to myself, 2) so I know about food, they eat continuously, to the point where I have stopped buying multipacks of crisps as in an evening, they will eat 16 packs between them, which is ridiculous. Also for dinner.

I also think that I am having a hard time adjusting to every other week, to pretty much whenever they want and just wondering in.

DH says they should come and go as they please and we wouldn't ask ds (who is 2) when he's older his exact itinerary, which I don't agree with, I will want to know where ds is and whether he's eating etc.

We are at a standstill and he's going tomorrow to get the keys cut and I am feeling very invaded.

Any words of advice please.

Unconditional love and acceptance doesn't mean letting other people trample all over you.

OP I don't think that anyone has said it's unfair of you to want a heads up that your husband's children are on their way over. Virtually every PP agrees that it is sensible for all the adults concerned to know at which home to expect each of the kids, where they'll be eating and who is checking they've done their homework.

The debate is over whether you can expect them to ask permission to come, rather than announce they'll be coming. Personally I think you shouldn't ask them to do so but actually what any of us think doesn't matter. It's their father who has the say on this. And it sounds like he is putting what he thinks is in his children's best interests ahead of what you think is in yours. Personally I think he's right to do so (as you are an adult and had a choice about entering into this family set-up whereas they are children and didn't) but I accept that you don't and I guess you need to decide how to approach discussing it with him.

I hope you somehow come to an agreement together that works for all of you.

In no circumstances should the father take a unilateral decision as to how and when his DC are present in the home he shares with the OP. It can only ever be a negotiation between both adults in the couple, in concertation with the DSCs' mother.

Bobo You said bizarre regarding me having a key to my parents house and not having to phone to ask permission to go over. That's not trampling over anyone, they like me doing so.

It's possibly an Irish mother thing - one time I rang the doorbell (because I'd forgotten my key) and got a telling off for acting like a guest.

Incidentally they've given DD1 (15) a key too, though she has no way to reach their house without a lift! She can phone them to be picked up anytime and from anywhere though. Again, no trampling - they insisted offered. smile]

Families are all different. That's totally fine, most of the time. But not really when married people have very different ideas about how to show love and acceptance to children that pre-date their relationship.

Maybe your Irish family dynamics are a bit old-fashioned for this subject, Somerville? Divorce and blended families are not really part of that culture, so your family anecdotes are a bit irrelevant.

Is it really so wrong to expect step children to accept that dad now has a new partner, and that as one of the two adults in the household, she also has a say on how the household works? Would children really be damaged by that? I doubt it.

Much more damaging for DC to be told that the woman of the house is irrelevant in any decision-making (but should expect to suck up the dross without complaining).

Bobo Well it's my type of family dynamics, however backward you happen to consider them, that OP's husband seems to be aspiring to. Not yours, (which actually sound more stringent than the OP wants).

And as I already said, I have children the same age as OP's husband, and my children have a (soon to be officially) step-father. So I have more relevant/recent experience of exactly this matter than other posters here. Not that this matters, since it is an open forum where anyone is allowed to express an opinion.

If we are competing on relevant experience, I have two DSCs and a DC - exactly the same scenario as the OP. And I've 12 years of experience as a SM (and the DSCs came to live with us because it was so much nicer!).

YANBU as far as I'm concerned OP. It's a different subject but in my view quite similar to another ongoing thread about a DH who has a younger DSC for extra nights with no notification / discussion with the SM. As an adult in my own home, paying the mortgage, I have a say in what happens here. That's not to say that what I want is more important than what OH might want, but it does mean that he doesn't automatically get to decide what goes on just because he has a child and I don't. That isn't what I signed up for as a step - parent.

In our situation (and I appreciate that won't be the same for many of you), our house is definitely not 'home' for my DSC. He's welcome, he comes here regularly at weekends and so on, but he doesn't think of it as his home either, it's 'dad's house'. And he is never here without OH, unless he has specifically asked me to babysit. I don't think that's so uncommon?

OP did you and your DH discuss this at all before you moved closer to the DSC or has this been sprung on you?

I have a key for my dad's house but I don't just show up whenever I like.
He has a dw who on her days off likes to have a lie in. She's allowed to have that without me (and if I have the kids with me the kids) coming in interrupting her. As someone who doesn't actually live in that house anymore and hasn't done for almost 10 years, I have no rights coming and going as I please without a phone call the day before to make sure I can come over. It's not my home anymore.

OP - I just had another thought. Technology could be part of the solution here. DD1's best friend was showing me the synced calendar on her phone that she has with her divorced parents, recently. She adds in everything from what I could see - clubs, school trips, extra things she needs to take one morning, when she's going to the library to do a project, which of their houses she's going back to, etc. Each parent adds in things like travelling for businesss or working late or going on holiday.
There's no reason a step parent couldn't be on it too, or at least have access to your DH's on a shared computer or tablet.

I might be harder for the younger child - that probably needs to be negotiated with their mother. But if you could get the 15 YO used to planning their time and being organised you would know a lot more when to expect her, and could also add in your DH's work schedule and evenings that you are busy.

Your DP is a package

I would be hugely flattered that they want to treat their dads house as their own and spend time there with you in his absence

Your resentment towards no notice is understandable insofar as catering for them

The crisp eating is ridiculous. I would buy what you normally buy and set down ground rules regarding snacking

Also with DP sit down all together and work out what ground rules there are, explain its a learning curve for you all and you want it to work

I've been I your position although we were unable to move the 250 miles closer to DP's children, one of them did come to live with us. Very tough on us all for the first year but after that it was fine. We are very close and I feel as though he is mine.

Forget the past and enjoy the next few years, they'll soon be over and you and your DP can't have this time back again.

I had a choice about marrying dh and accepting his dc, why does that equate to not having any say in them wondering in whenever without any warning.

Anyway I will speak to dh and try and come to a compromise, as is obvious we moved to have increased contact but I think it needs some boundaries. I'll also ask him to speak to his ex as to what she thinks etc.

As I've said in pp I wouldn't dream on not ringing my dad and asking if it's OK to pop over when younger.

I'll speak to dh

Thanks everyone

I wouldn't be in the least bit happy with a situation in which no-one seems to be sure where am 11 year old and 15 year old are spending the night! What happens if one of them at some point decides to go off with someone else? Or has an accident? Who's going to miss them and when?

Plus how on earth does it work with clean clothes, and homework? They don't have double of everything presumably?

It's only common courtesy for my husband to let me know if he's going to be late, or not want dinner, and he definitely lives here. So I would expect the same courtesy from anyone who's going to want feeding.

The other thing that's just occurred to me is that it could be novelty factor at the moment which may wear off.

Maybe it's worth considering alternate weeks OP?

That way they get keys and feel welcome, your DH gets lots of 'natural' time with them and you get lots of time to relax.

Could you set up a WhatsApp group with them, DH and their Mum - sounds a pain but you could ask "Anyone coming over after school today?" and yes tell them they need to confirm if they are.

I say this because both their Mum and your DH/you need to know where they are. They could easily be saying to their Mum they are at yours and up to all sorts!!!!

I think it's about communication, setting up a new pattern of everyone being informed what is going. Also if they come over and you want to chill after your DS has gone to bed, do it - it will become more normal over time. These are just teething issues due to a new situation and you'll get there

My dc have had the 50/50 arrangement for 6 years and definitely think of it as 2 homes. I expect that your dh really does want his children to feel the same way (who wouldn't). My dp also accepts that this is my dc home as well.

However, the Dc have to tell us when they are arriving at each house, even if we're not there. I think at 15 they will be assuming that if you're not working then you'll be delighted to see them any time, because at that age they don't appreciate that the adults also have a life!

I think it may take some time for everyone to get used to the new arrangements. Insisting on a text first is fine. And it does give you the chance to say no if it's not convenient. There are times when I feel the same about my own children turning up

I also think that you're obviously doing a great job as a sm if they feel comfortable enough to turn up when their dad's not there

OP I am totally 100% with you on this one! I had huge battles over this. Your DP just can't be making such a huge decision like this without it being OK with you. Yes they are his kids and he wants them as much as he can. But I think it is pure folly to treat two separate households as 'one big house'. Basically because they are not. It completely denies the reality. And the reality is that these are children, our dependents, who need to have some kind of consistent parenting. Going from one to the other undermines the parenting process.

But I've been an SM to a child who was full time with us, and two who came and went for a while, and it was the unexpected 'treat two households as one' that caused the most problems. Just some of the problems:

• Not knowing where the children were.
• As teenagers, using the 'empty' parent house to do risky things, lying about it.
• Avoiding just about anything - homework, avoiding a dinner they didn't like.
• Punishing one parent by going off to the other parents house if they didn't get their way - this got worse as they got older resulting in both parents totally indulging them
• treating the houses like mini hotels rather than family homes - not being invested in following rules because if they didn't like them they would just bounce from one place to the other
• forgetting keys or lending them to their friends.
• coming in unexpectedly so when me and DP were spending a very rare evening just ourselves, all kids descending and raiding fridge. I have no car and a long way from shops and have regularly found myself without any food for the day after a midnight unexpected raid!

Well, I could go on... !

P.s. For those that liken this to having a key to their parents house when they are adults, well I have a key to my mums. But I am adult enough now to a) have my own place so not using it to live and b) to have a bit of consideration for their lives.

Spoken to dh and reached a compromise.

We're going to sit down and sort out some rules/boundaries one being text before they come by lunch time. Others are to do with no eating ridiculous amounts of junk, keeping room tidy etc.

Have agreed that if after 3 months they've stuck to all the rules we've set they can have keys but will say that any abuse of keys they'll be removed again.

He's going to speak to ex about knowing where everyone is etc. And make sure she's happy with what we've said.

So I guess will have to see how ruled go down and if they stick to them