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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What would you have done in this situation

24 replies

needahugbug · 10/10/2016 20:05

I'll try keep it brief. So partner has 2 children from previous relationship. His daughter is 16 and doesn't visit or speak to him. His son is 7 and has a good relationship with his dad. Was recently at a school play and the daughter and mum walked past my partner and i. I tried to make eye contact with the daughter to say hi but it was quite obvious she didn't want to look at her dad or me. My partner has now said I should have said hello to her even though she made it quite clear she didn't want to speak to us. If the daughter would have been on her own I'd have felt more comfortable to say hello and risk being ignored but I didn't want to cause a scene or make the daughter feel uncomfortable in front of her mum. I feel I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

OP posts:

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/10/2016 20:07

Did he say hi to his daughter?

Why doesn't she speak to him?

Cathaka15 · 10/10/2016 20:08

Did your partner say hello?
I think it's your partner who needs to make the effort not you.

Original poster

needahugbug · 10/10/2016 20:10

No he didn't say hi to her. She doesn't speak to him because she says she doesn't like the way he treats her? I'd happily speak to her especially if I was just walking down the street and see her but I didn't want to cause a scene at the school or make it awkward. I wouldn't say the mum is the most cooperative and would probably have given my partner abuse after the play if I had said hello.

OP posts:

missyB1 · 10/10/2016 20:11

What an odd thing for him to say given the circumstances. you tried to make contact and she chose not to engage, end of story!

Original poster

needahugbug · 10/10/2016 20:12

Even if I could have just caught her eye I'd have smiled and mouthed hello etc but it was so obvious she knew we was there and didn't want to look. She probably would also have felt more awkward as she was with her mum and the mum and my partner don't get on very well

OP posts:

Original poster

needahugbug · 10/10/2016 20:14

He said I should try harder and in future wants me to go over etc. I'll happily do that if that's what he wants but I honestly think it's going to make the whole situation and atmosphere between her and her dad even worse. I can her the mum now saying for me to keep out of it etc. Why make a kid feel even more awkward and torn then they probably already feel.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 10/10/2016 21:56

I imagine if you'd spoken her you'd have been wrong too, and accused of causing a scene.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/10/2016 22:35

He treats her badly, but you should make more of an effort?

Sorry he's completely unreasonable. Does he have some sort of plan for you to get his DD on side for him?

Original poster

needahugbug · 11/10/2016 03:59

Ineedmore I think he does think if I should be doing more to get the 2 of them talking etc. i just don't really know how
I can convince a 15 year old girl. Her father and her have had words in the past and she is very much a mummy's girls so I don't want to them been scene as interfering.
I would totally understand my partner being annoyed at me if she had tried to say hello to me and I'd ignored her.

OP posts:

Chimpfield · 11/10/2016 09:26

I empathise - similar experience and my advice would be to leave it to your husband - his daughter, his problem...... I tried to intervene and it blew up in my face :(

Aderyn2016 · 11/10/2016 09:30

I'm not understanding why any of this is your responsibility. His kids, his job to build the relationship.
Don't fall into the trap of letting him make everything your fault or your job to fix. It isn't.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 11/10/2016 09:45

Maybe explain to him why you didn't say Hi. It sounds like a trip my situation. If she's mad at him for leaving them chances are she isn't going to want to speak to either of you, and that's her right. She may change when she's older, she may not. The best thing to do is always be pleasant and expect nothing.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 11/10/2016 09:47

Tell him to get lost.

He is angry/hurt at the fact she doesn't want to know do is tsking out on you.

You are not responsible for his relationship with his dd. He should have spoke to her himself - if he really wanted to.

Original poster

needahugbug · 11/10/2016 09:48

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I have tried to explain to him and I've also tried to explain to him maybe why is dsughter is acting the way she is. I would ALWAYS be pleasant to her as I have no issue with her what so ever and don't want to be involved in her and her dads issues. It just seems he can only see his way

OP posts:

JerryFerry · 11/10/2016 09:53

He's being a dick and it really isn't surprising that his ex and dd don't speak to him given his attitude to females.

Original poster

needahugbug · 11/10/2016 10:03

Your certainly not the 1st person to say that!!

OP posts:

CozyAutumn · 11/10/2016 10:44

Why should you have made the effort to say hello if he didn't even bother. He should be the one breaking the ice not you. If he had gone over to say hello then I'm sure you would have done as well. He needs to take the lead and make the effort with his daughter, not you.

Original poster

needahugbug · 11/10/2016 11:35

He said now the daughter and the mum will use it against me because I didn't say hello and u should be the bigger person. Oh dear lord

OP posts:

newusernametoday · 11/10/2016 11:49

Wow, he's being completely unreasonable! It's not your responsibility.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 11/10/2016 11:55

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

gingina · 11/10/2016 11:56

Tell him to sod off. How dare he put you in that position. What if you had said hello and they had been rude or blanked you in front of a crowd of people? Is it OK for you to be humiliated and embarrassed like that for him?
He should be busting a gut to speak to his DD and sort things out with her. If she really doesn't want to know then he needs to accept it, tell her he loves her and leave the door open for when she's ready.
He's the parent and his relationship with her is his responsibility.

SmellySphinx · 11/10/2016 12:10

Use what against you exactly?

You're his partner, not a family friend of them both or the girls aunt.
You're respecting the fact that his daughter may not want to stand around exchanging pleasantries whilst having to ignore him also whilst her Mum is there when tensions would be high.

It's childish and worrying that he seems to think it's somehow yours and possibly everyone elses resposibility to facilitate a relationship between himself and his child. He is not being a responsible ADULT and father to his older child.

My childs father seems to think it's my role/job to encourage my eldest daughter to speak to him when she point blank refuses to. He treats her like a 3 year old and quite frankly like shit. His inability to understand why she does not want to speak to him is quite unfathomable.
The simple fact is, she is far more grown up than he is. Respect is earned and is a two way street. It isn't and should not be demanded from someone.

Meeep · 11/10/2016 12:15

It sounds like he's just making things difficult for you for the sake of it.
You know the social cues you followed and you've explained them, he should accept that.

swingofthings · 11/10/2016 16:03

Sounds like a desperate and helpless cry for help. I guess he saw this as a very rare opportunity and had hope that maybe it would be an occasion to make contact. He -wrongly- felt that maybe you would have a better chance and therefore tried.

The poor guys is hurt and venting his disappointment on you. Don't take his words at face value, just say you understand he is hurt and discuss together what step you could maybe take to try to do something about their relationship. You might need to help him see that what needs doing is in his hands and his only.

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