I'm struggling with SS please help!

[MumTo2GirlsDT]

New to this sort of thing but really need advice! I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean but me and DH have 3 children between us. DH has son (11), I have daughter (3) who DH has bought up since 1 year old and she calls dad (doesn't see biological for various reasons) and we have a 5 month old LG together. We have been together 2 years and got married 5 weeks ago. The day we got back from honeymoon SS moved in with us into a rented 2 bedroom house (LG still sleeps in my room and 3yo & 11yo shared). We have just bought a house and are currently doing it up. SS has fallen out with his mum and is determined he is living with us now. My issues are:
Firstly DH was supposed to drop DD off at school in the mornings as baby struggles with sleep but now has to do 30mile round trip to drop SS off at school so I have to drop DD off... resulting in baby being a rat bag all day... literally my children hate sleep!
Secondly the house we bought is 3 bed and my 2 were supposed to be having separate rooms. Mainly because I wake up several times a night when baby stirs (I'm sure all mums are like that!) and because in every house we have lived my 3yo has never had a room to call her own. Now SS has to have own room, taking baby's room meaning she has to stay in with me. And in future share with eldest daughter.
Thirdly, he is ALWAYS there. Just sitting there with us. My kids go to bed at 7 and then we normally have "adult time" just me and DH but now he is there and goes to bed at same time as me (I go to bed about 9-10 due to being up most of the night with baby) so me and DH get NO alone time... we have been married 5 weeks... Surely newlyweds need time together.
Fourthly, me and DH are currently living separately as rented house lease ran out and we moved into parents whilst doing up other house. However no room for all 5 of us so DH & SS stay at new house and myself & 2 DDs stay at parents. Without SS we could all stay here.
Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan? SS has literally changed everything and it is only benefitting him. My girls miss out on their father as he isn't here due to being at other house with SS and I miss out on my husband. I feel like SS has taken DH away from me and DDs, and any time I do get to spend with DH, SS is present.
Before SS decided he wanted to live with us, we only saw him once or twice a month (due to his own choice not ours) so I barely know the boy and have no strong feelings towards him as we haven't bonded like that yet.

Any advise on what you think or would do?

Please bare in mind I have nothing against SS, he is a lovely boy, its just the situation.

OP what did you want from coming on here? The way you've worded your post, whether it was intentional or not, makes it sound like you resent this boy and don't want him living with you and your family. That's why you're getting the responses that you're clearly not happy with. If the fallout is just over Xbox why is his dad not putting his foot down and telling him to respect his mother?

Thank you HerRoyalNotness... that is exactly what I needed to read! No he made the decision on his own and his mum has allowed it. DH obviously couldn't say no if this is what SS wanted but the reason behind him wanting it is a bit silly.
I try to set some boundaries/rules (not many as I do not feel it is my place as only SM) but DH let's SS do what he wants, go to bed when he wants, etc.

Bare minimum in terms of not even wanting him around whilst your husband treats your daughter as his own.

You keep saying you don't have a problem with your SS, just the 'situation.' But the situation just seems to be that your husband takes him to school and he needs his own room. Bedtimes can be sorted so he goes to his room at 9 or whatever time you agree and gives you some space. None of this needs to be a major issue. How would you feel if your husband felt like this about your daughter?

Well look I'm sorry - we can only go on what you say. You are explicit. You're not asking us how to make this work...you're saying you wish you didn't have to consider him in your plans. You are miffed because your dh's son is taking your dh away from his stepdaughter. That tells me you have lost perspective.

Here's what I predict.
You'll lay some ground rules down about bedtimes and that - although really if you go to bed at nine yourself that's tough toot. I don't see why he should be banished from the living room at 8pm so you can have alone time with his dad. Who does that?

But they don't currently all sleep in the same house at the moment, from what is said in the OP.

Surely once all living together and he has his own room, he would much prefer to hide in there than sitting with boring old adults.

If this is over the xbox, he'll get fed up fighting for space eventually and go back to his mum's anyway.

Btw - where was he supposed to sleep for overnight stays anyway?

I have previously said the very rare occasions he has stayed overnight and I am talking a whole 10ish times he has shared in 3yo's room with bunk beds in the rented 2 bedroom house for past year. Previous to that we had a 3 bed rented house (he had own room) he stayed once. However the intention was when we bought the house after refurbing everywhere to convert the loft as a sort of play room/ chill room/ spare bedroom.

So what's the dilemma about the rooms then? SS gets his own while the girls share until the loft is coverted, then one of them goes up there. Teenage boys do like a loft.

You are complaining about having to make space for your SS in your new house, while planning to convert the loft into a room with no particular purpose while your daughters get a room each. Have a fucking word with yourself.

I think op you just don't want him there do you?

You have two options :- be honest with your Dh about how you feel about his ds and back out if this now before every ones life gets very unhappy and bitter.

OR

Dig deep and try and find some compassion for a little boy who isn't being parented very well - of all sets of parents. NONE of this is his fault. It really isn't. It's up to the adults in his life to make sure his emotional well being and needs are met. It doesn't sound like they are. They include showing he is very much wanted and loved and also setting boundries and structure to his life.

Your last post about doing up the attic as a spare room is very indicative of your true feelings. This little boy clearly hasn't got his own space in his dad ms life - which he needs so he went and got himself one - even if it has upset your plans.

Swop your dd for your SS and see how you would feel if her sp was feeling about her the way you did. Back out now or knuckle down and fix it.

" I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean"!!

You are all three. Does that help?

It is clear that you resent your husbands son. After all, if it wasn't for him, your 'real' family would all be together. And, if it wasn't for him, you wouldn't have to inconvenience the children who count by doing the school run.
Get a grip, implement some ground rules and adjust your horrible attitude

Agree with Spare. You're being awful about this. However I would definitely be questioning him making snap decisions like this on his own. He is still a child and this is for his parents to determine. It appears they have agreed to this so you need to accept it. The boy was always part of the deal.

So you expect your DJ to take your dd1 in as his own. But you resent your dss's very presence as cramping your "adult time" and spoiling your new house decorating plans.

Maybe that's not how you feel. But that's how you come across and it really isn't very pleasant to read.

Look, this has all moved very fast. I'm sure there's a lot of adjusting to do. But you need to make damn bloody sure that your dss doesn't feel your resentment while that adjustment is going on because right now you are not coming out of this very well at all op

DJ = DH

I do kind of understand what you're saying but it's basically tough and you're going to need to grit your teeth and bear it. I think some of your comments are slightly unreasonable - don't forget he's a child too. But it wouldn't be unreasonable for you and DH to have a discussion and lay down some rules. He's in your home and he needs to abide by them. Firstly I personally think a bed time of 9/10pm is far too late, I might be evil but I'd say at 11 bed time should be 8/8:30. I think if you and DH establish some house rules and present them to the two eldest (so to not look like it's all directed at SS) it would be a good first step. Just to see how things go. It just means everyone is on the same page and is clear on what is expected of them. With my SC I had to really force myself to be involved, and I'm glad I did - otherwise there never would have been a bond. It is difficult to not resent your partners previous relationships and knowing they started a family with someone else (although you did this too) so I think you need to step back, remember he is an innocent child and think how you would feel if DH was saying these things about your 3yo.

I think you need to stop getting all defensive and actually consider what people are saying on here.
You sound, and I say sound because I'm sure in real life you're not, like a complete bitch.
I am a SM and I have a great relationship with my DSD. But I didn't treat her as a nuisance or second class citizen all her life....
It's ENTIRELY inappropriate to have an 11 year old boy and 3 year old girl sharing a bedroom and I'm sure there's actually a law about it from the age of 8?

Update for people who actually care rather than just wanting to give me a bashing.
I have spoken to DH and he fully understands where I am coming from. As much as you all think it was "my plan" it actually wasn't it was "our plan" and he understands things are harder on me than we thought they would be now plans have changed. He has also said he is struggling with change in circumstances as he isn't used to having SS there full time and not having me there. DH has said about house rules, maybe changing SS school, helping with housework and arranging for all DCs to stay out once a month for adult time - I should of gone straight to DH
After talking, we have presumed my feelings are due to the situation atm and the stress I am feeling and hoping everything will be much better when living together.
But can I just add it is yourselves that are saying DH's son but I call him SS so who is it considering him an outsider?
Also I have had a few PMs from people in similar situations offering advise and their opinions ... which is what I was looking for ... but they wanted to save themselves getting a public bashing.
So thank you all but this will be my last post and I won't be following as I don't need to now

That poor boy.

Lunar that first comment had me creased! Brilliant just brilliant.

OP your behaviour and attitude is somewhat for better words vile. You've in a short space of time moved in together, had a child and gotten married in 2 years! Most relationships don't last after the 2year mark your still getting to know each other.

How come is ok for your DP to take on your DD let her call him dad but you've made no effort in establishing a relationship with his existing child? Then you go on to add a further child into the mix and are upset when his child ruins the nice current family set up! This is why you are rightly get such harsh comments. How would you feel honestly If your DH resented your 3year old? I think you do need a kick up the arse and give your head a wobble otherwise I can tell you now you don't accept the son properly your relationship will end up suffering.

And those who pm are too ashamed and haven't the balls to post on here that they agree with your attitude most people with any decency wouldn't condone your attitude to a little 11 year old.

Have there bollocks been pms. It's a typical "oh actually everyone agrees with me they are just too scared to say" lie.

Just 1 of the PMs for you lovely people ... obviously not publicising username!
So thank you to all you super women out there who have never had issues and clearly are the best parents and step-parent going and felt you need to have your say when you have not been in a similar situation. Like I said I couldn't give a monkies what you lot think, I've had PMs off people who relate and got support off DH!

You asked the question and got your answers. No one held a gun against your head.