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Original poster

I'm struggling with SS please help!

118 replies

MumTo2GirlsDT · 07/10/2016 22:57

New to this sort of thing but really need advice! I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean but me and DH have 3 children between us. DH has son (11), I have daughter (3) who DH has bought up since 1 year old and she calls dad (doesn't see biological for various reasons) and we have a 5 month old LG together. We have been together 2 years and got married 5 weeks ago. The day we got back from honeymoon SS moved in with us into a rented 2 bedroom house (LG still sleeps in my room and 3yo & 11yo shared). We have just bought a house and are currently doing it up. SS has fallen out with his mum and is determined he is living with us now. My issues are:
Firstly DH was supposed to drop DD off at school in the mornings as baby struggles with sleep but now has to do 30mile round trip to drop SS off at school so I have to drop DD off... resulting in baby being a rat bag all day... literally my children hate sleep!
Secondly the house we bought is 3 bed and my 2 were supposed to be having separate rooms. Mainly because I wake up several times a night when baby stirs (I'm sure all mums are like that!) and because in every house we have lived my 3yo has never had a room to call her own. Now SS has to have own room, taking baby's room meaning she has to stay in with me. And in future share with eldest daughter.
Thirdly, he is ALWAYS there. Just sitting there with us. My kids go to bed at 7 and then we normally have "adult time" just me and DH but now he is there and goes to bed at same time as me (I go to bed about 9-10 due to being up most of the night with baby) so me and DH get NO alone time... we have been married 5 weeks... Surely newlyweds need time together.
Fourthly, me and DH are currently living separately as rented house lease ran out and we moved into parents whilst doing up other house. However no room for all 5 of us so DH & SS stay at new house and myself & 2 DDs stay at parents. Without SS we could all stay here.
Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan? SS has literally changed everything and it is only benefitting him. My girls miss out on their father as he isn't here due to being at other house with SS and I miss out on my husband. I feel like SS has taken DH away from me and DDs, and any time I do get to spend with DH, SS is present.
Before SS decided he wanted to live with us, we only saw him once or twice a month (due to his own choice not ours) so I barely know the boy and have no strong feelings towards him as we haven't bonded like that yet.

Any advise on what you think or would do?

Please bare in mind I have nothing against SS, he is a lovely boy, its just the situation.

OP posts:
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pictish · 08/10/2016 11:07

She doesn't have to love him. She just has to kindly accept him.

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2016 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 08/10/2016 11:42

Just to give the benefit of the doubt to OP, the boy has decided to come and live with his dad, OP and two babies, so unless things are so drastically bad with his mum that anything else will be better, even if he only got to know OP for a few months, she must have been pleasant enough to want to move with her and OP does say in her first post that he is a lovely boy.

I think the ultimate issue is in those few words:
Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan?
OP had a very clear plan of how she imagined her life going and SS wasn't part of it. That's where the strategy went wrong, failing to take into consideration that he very could feature in her every day life.

You need to re-valuate your plan ASAP and accept that SS will be very much present because that's how married life is like, very much like sometimes, you have to take on a MIL who you very much dislike but is part of the family, so you make efforts and hope your OH will do to so it doesn't come like a bomb in your life.

As you've said, you still need to learn to bond with your SS, so please please, swallow your resentment and just get on with it because it's not too late to make it work, but the second your SS realises that you wishes he wasn't there, he will make you pay for it, putting your OH in the middle, and it will be all downhill from there. It might not be the perfect marriage you imagine, but you can overcome this and realise that with the right attitude, you can make your new family happy and vice versa.

TheWombat · 08/10/2016 11:46

OP I can see this is a challenging situation for you and doesn't tally with what you expected from your start to married life. But as others say, your DSS has a right to feel like he belongs in your home. It's very early days, it sounds like you hardly know him (and that your DH has had little to do with him in the past). So it sounds like you need to set some rules that will help you all manage this as a family and get to know one another and your new circumstances.

Things that would help me as a step mum in this context are:

  1. Establish rules for the new living arrangements with your DH and his ex. How often will he see his mum? Every weekend/other weekend? And who does the transporting to and fro? Get some dates fixed in the diary so you know what's coming and you can tell DSS what to expect.

  2. Sit down with DH and DSS and establish bedtime / Xbox rules. I think 8 is early for an 11yo - 9.30 is more like it. Make DSS part of the discussion so he feels he's involved and listened to. KEEP to them.

  3. It's reasonable that DSS gets a room on his own as your two girls will be closer in age - and once he hits puberty he'll need his own space. How about the two of you (DSS and you) go on a shopping expedition together to buy a new duvet set or something? Good bonding experience and it'll help him feel like he's part of the family and help him realise that you have a care-giving role in his life, which will make life easier later on.

To me it doesn't sound like you're an uncaring person - but life has thrown you a curve ball and you can't fight it - you have to find a way to navigate it. What others have said about 'faking it till you make it' is totally right. I think you really need your DH's support in this.

DSS is a child, none of this is his fault. If his parents can make such a monumental change to his life, over something as minor as an X-box rule, I think he probably desperately needs you on his side.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 08/10/2016 15:30

You posting that PM and gloating about it - especially when some one sent it to you privatly really shows your immaturity levels. You better hope you havnt made them identifiable.

pictish · 08/10/2016 17:41

The message demonstrates little other than another selfish cow agrees with you. Bully for the pair of you.

pictish · 08/10/2016 18:18

Apologies for using 'cow' there. I don't think you're a cow (or the other poster)....I don't know either of you, and that was too casually chucked in. Rude of me. Sorry.

I do think you are blindsided by the lure of your own agenda. You can't reasonably complain that your children are being shortchanged by your dh's obligation to his first child. Neither should you grudge the lad space in your home when it's clearly readily available. Nor should you expect him to go away because he's a spare part after your much younger children are tucked up in bed.

Sort it out. You'll be so glad you did.

lookluv · 08/10/2016 22:22

No one is denyng that having your plans changed is a pain the arse and you post a message that supports you - brilliant.

We were going to refurbish the loft after everyone else was sorted - what when the kid was 18 and then for your DD!!!!!!!!!!

You come across and I hope to God for your DSS sake, you are not, as a nasty selfish malignant SM - who puts all decent SMs to shame.

Diddums darling you are in a family of 5 - not 4 just a shame you do not recognise this. DP now agrees it is hard for you - diddums you are a god damn adult - this is a child who faces your antipathy on a daily basis. The reason behind him coming to live with you is actually irrelevant - he ahs every right to live with his Dad as he does with him Mum.

Lets be honest most SMs want their new DP to take on their previous DCs - provide and do for but reciprocate the other way - rarely. Better they stay with the EX who I can slag off, moan about, say they are a bad parent jsut as my perfect little new family ignores the old.

Hopefully your DSS does go back to his Mum because with Me me Me SM - you are a pain in the arse and disrupting my perfect new life stepchild - he deserves better than you are offering.

I could write a whole load more vitriol but realise like my DCS SM - some people are just not worth the effort.

joangray38 · 08/10/2016 22:31

Can see your side to this doesn't see his dad very much until he throws his toys out of his pram as he has Xbox taken off him. Wants to live with his dad. What does his mum say? Is he going to want to go back if you both don't let him do what he wants? But your Dh is his dad and you will have to accept they come as a parcel. Does your Dh pay maintenance to exw as this will stop if he lives with you. Maybe the money saved could go towards building a loft or room conversion so there can be more bedrooms.

MerylPeril · 08/10/2016 23:07

I'll stand up for OP on a point.
She says SS rarely visited and only stayed once - why would she keep a room for him on that basis?
I can't see why she would buy a 4 bedroom to accommodate him.
The fact that SS and DH had poor contact previously is an issue DH and ExW should have sorted - not OPs issue.

You usually expect children to be living with their mum and he was and had been for 11 years - that and the fact they had such poor contact previously has made the new situation a bit of a shock. It didn't seem to be on the cards at all....... I expect OP is a bit surprised tbh.

CocktailQueen · 08/10/2016 23:16

So it's OK for our other children to miss out on their father because of SS?

Op, ss was your husband's son before any of your children came along. If you and your h split up, how would you like it if he talked about your DC the same way?

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 08/10/2016 23:58

There's something out of sorts going on here with ss and his parents. So his mum encouraged her son not to see his Dad and they have therefore a weak relationship? And then the minute you marry, his mum let her son move full time into yours, 30 miles away from his school and friends, over an argument about the Xbox?

And at a time that you hadn't been able to sort out your house yet?

I think the underlying reasons for ss suddenly living with you need to be addressed first. In fact I think it is a terrible idea to let ss just move in over duchess a trivial argument with his mum. Seeing his dad more would be great, him having his own room even part-time would be a clear signal to him that he is accepted at your house, so I would do everything possible to do this.

But moving in? Not yet, even if it was eventually agreed that he should. This would need planning, preparation, setting up his room, setting up agreed rules, and changing his school.

swingofthings · 09/10/2016 08:59

I agree Banana, I think it is very odd that the boy would want to suddenly move in, especially knowing that it will be sharing his dad with two little kids, so I do think there is something going on to that OP hasn't shared, but I'm wondering whether it is more serious than implied, hence the reason why dad has decided to go ahead with it.

Petal02 · 09/10/2016 09:32

if we take the emotive 'step child' issue out of the equation for a minute, and try to look at this in practical terms: an extra person has joined the OP's household when she wasn't expecting it. I''m not surprised this has caused problems.

If this thread was 'my DH has moved his elderly mother in without consultation and it's driving me up the wall' I suspect the responses may have been different.

Sometimes you can't magic bedrooms out of thin air, no matter who needs them, or why.

ayeokthen · 09/10/2016 09:57

She's not short of bedrooms, she resents her own children having to share to make space for this boy .

Petal02 · 09/10/2016 10:34

DH and I are currently living separately ....... there is no room for all of us, so DH and SS stay at the new house, and my self and 2 daughters are staying with my parents. Without SS we could all stay here

So the arrival of SS has split the family into two separate addresses, which is ridiculous. Try applying this situation to a 'together' family and you see how insane this is - what if you'd got mum, dad, three kids - then Auntie wants to move in, so you end up living across two addresses because you've suddenly got one more person than can be accommodated. And you wander why the OP Is feeling resentful ?

There must be lots of households where the arrival of one extra resident would be impossible.

balence49 · 09/10/2016 10:45

I think your opening posts were very badly worded...
Why do you say that as has made this decision and dh obviously can't say no? Of course he can say no! Who's the parent here? Tell him to respect his mother and sort it out with her. If he's run off to daddy because of the Xbox what's going to happen when you have a family row? Will he be moving to mum again? He cannot keep fliting between parents when there's boundarys he doesn't like. What has his mum done in all this?

Lunar1 · 09/10/2016 10:46

You can't compare an auntie to a child. And there is absolutely no reason why a family of 5 can't live in a three bedroom home.

There is a big chunk of this story missing, no 11 year old would move out because of the reason given, and even if they wanted to the parents allowing it would be bat shit crazy to allow it.

At the end of the day the op's eldest won the stepparent lottery, the 11 year old got the opposite.

Petal02 · 09/10/2016 10:50

You can't compare an auntie to a child

Maybe not in emotional terms, but logistically and practically one extra person needing accommodation can prove impossible.

Petal02 · 09/10/2016 10:51

And I agree with the posters who suggest a child shouldn't be allowed to swap homes on a whim.

atomicpanda · 09/10/2016 10:56

'Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan?'

Yes you are being selfish. He has always been part of your dh's plan.

Petal02 · 09/10/2016 11:01

But it doesn't sound like the DH was expecting the child to live with them. And you generally plan your housing around the numbers you know about, rather than having lots of extra bedrooms 'just in case' - not many of us could afford that!

mummytofourbabies · 09/10/2016 11:06

I'm a little confused didn't you say that you were living seperately at the minut? So how can you be getting your SS up and ready for school in the mornings if you don't even live in the same house just now?

feelingdizzy · 09/10/2016 11:26

For you he is an added stress,so much bigger and older than your kids.One day your kids will be 11 and you will see how very young it is.
It isn't what you planned and I can understand that things have changed a lot and that must be hard for you.Can you imagine what its like for an 11 year old.
Be glad your dh is a good dad,many kids including mine, dont have this.
This is your family, it's not how you imagined it(like most of us),but how you deal with it will impact lives for years to come,for good or bad,your choice.