I'm struggling with SS please help!

[MumTo2GirlsDT]

New to this sort of thing but really need advice! I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean but me and DH have 3 children between us. DH has son (11), I have daughter (3) who DH has bought up since 1 year old and she calls dad (doesn't see biological for various reasons) and we have a 5 month old LG together. We have been together 2 years and got married 5 weeks ago. The day we got back from honeymoon SS moved in with us into a rented 2 bedroom house (LG still sleeps in my room and 3yo & 11yo shared). We have just bought a house and are currently doing it up. SS has fallen out with his mum and is determined he is living with us now. My issues are:
Firstly DH was supposed to drop DD off at school in the mornings as baby struggles with sleep but now has to do 30mile round trip to drop SS off at school so I have to drop DD off... resulting in baby being a rat bag all day... literally my children hate sleep!
Secondly the house we bought is 3 bed and my 2 were supposed to be having separate rooms. Mainly because I wake up several times a night when baby stirs (I'm sure all mums are like that!) and because in every house we have lived my 3yo has never had a room to call her own. Now SS has to have own room, taking baby's room meaning she has to stay in with me. And in future share with eldest daughter.
Thirdly, he is ALWAYS there. Just sitting there with us. My kids go to bed at 7 and then we normally have "adult time" just me and DH but now he is there and goes to bed at same time as me (I go to bed about 9-10 due to being up most of the night with baby) so me and DH get NO alone time... we have been married 5 weeks... Surely newlyweds need time together.
Fourthly, me and DH are currently living separately as rented house lease ran out and we moved into parents whilst doing up other house. However no room for all 5 of us so DH & SS stay at new house and myself & 2 DDs stay at parents. Without SS we could all stay here.
Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan? SS has literally changed everything and it is only benefitting him. My girls miss out on their father as he isn't here due to being at other house with SS and I miss out on my husband. I feel like SS has taken DH away from me and DDs, and any time I do get to spend with DH, SS is present.
Before SS decided he wanted to live with us, we only saw him once or twice a month (due to his own choice not ours) so I barely know the boy and have no strong feelings towards him as we haven't bonded like that yet.

Any advise on what you think or would do?

Please bare in mind I have nothing against SS, he is a lovely boy, its just the situation.

Yes, why don't you lay the same ground rules as his mother, doesn't sound like she was unreasonable

Petal the OP's husband doesn't have a legal responsibility to his Aunt or any other distant relative to whom you wish to compare his child. His does have a legal responsibility to provide the necessaries for his child which includes shelter. There is always a possibility that a child could end up needing to live with the NRP.

Besides which, this family is moving into a 3 bed house. It is perfectly normal for two tiny sisters to share whilst the older boy has his own space. Yes, this would also happen in 'together' families.

To clear a few things up: me and DH have been told by SS's mum that she told him to come off xbox and he flipped saying he wanted to kill her and various other things... now I personally think there is more to it as many of you have also said but this is what we have been told. Yes SS made the decision which I think is crazy for both his mum and dad to allow.
The new house takes less than a minute to walk to my parents house (literally around the corner!) so that's how I can manage to do what I have said in terms of getting everyone up and ready in morning and also sorting out night times.
We got back from honeymoon at 1.30am and picked SS up at 3.30pm to live with us so it was a very sudden thing to happen.
As many people are saying about bedrooms and our plans etc, as I said SS rarely stayed so we were not going to give him a room until we did the loft conversion... like I said they were our original plans which have now changed. Tbh we went weeks at times without seeing SS which was his own decision and yes his mum said they sat together to make excuses for why he didn't come to visit us.
Mum blames DH for everything and says SS has issues... which we have not came across any whilst he has been with us.
And for the poster who said about why we had a child so quickly and why we got married so quickly... because we wanted to! I don't need your permission to do so!
SS did not do this 2 years ago it happened 5 weeks ago so for the posters saying DH should of waited and sorted SS out first... what?! So DH isn't supposed to meet someone and move on with his life because 2 years down the line SS might have a problem? Are you for real! But SS's mum had someone move into her house 4 years ago and had a child with this man 2 years ago ... but DH should of waited? Seriously?! DH and SS's mum split up 6 years ago and I was DH's 1st partner since so it isn't like he has seen people in and out of his life. He has had a very stable life but I personally think given too much freedom to make decisions such as when he wants to see his dad and who he wants to live with depending on who he is on better terms with.
And I do not have to explain why my 3yo calls him dad either but considering this is an issue for many of you... because her biological couldn't give a monkies about her and never has! She took it upon herself to call DH dad, we never encouraged it but wrongly or rightly so never disencouraged (or whatever the word) it.
I am far from perfect and I am struggling with the situation... I cannot help this and I cannot help how I feel... I know I need to change this which is why I posted in the first place. I have never once said how I feel or think is right!

OP, if you'd posted your last update first I honestly think this thread would have turned out completely differently.

I have a sinking feeling about this, it's the kind of last minute, huge change that is set up to fail from the start. Two of my DSDs did this, one moved in with us after argument with her mum, one moved out after getting cross with me. One moved in because her mum was fed up/couldn't cope with her.

All were bad decisions for the kids ultimately. And set up a bad dynamic for all the step kids, they will blank one parent or step parent for weeks, months, if they feel like it.

Swapping households due to a disagreement is an option that's only available to children with separated parents, and rarely ends well.

To the last few posters... what would you suggest I do then? DH understands my point of view but doesn't really go against what SS wants. It's hard as I try to suggest/implement gently certain things but it's rarely taken on board. Both myself and MIL think this is because DH wants to play good parent with the current situation.
But with SS being able to do as he pleases I feel this adds to my feelings atm as like I have previously said we expect a lot from 3yo but nothing from 11yo.
And I believe it is right what people have said about me probably feeling different when my DDs are 11 but in all honesty I have no idea about children that age

DH needs to put boundaries in place and allow you to implement discipline where needed too.

I think that you need to tell your DP that this arrangement with your ss is unlikely to work, particularly in the short term, and tell him squarely how you feel it is adding stress to you all. I'd even suggest to him couple counselling to talk it through. This is what I would do if I were you.

Think about what you think could work. A staggered increase in your ss spending time with you all, working up to regular weekends and some week days, even an attic extension so he can have his own room?

You do need to get your head around this boy being your DHs son. I know this is all last minute and mad, but you've possibly been living a fantasy
Where your DH only has your children, through him not having any regular time with his Dad. You really do need to make room for him in your head and your heart, and physically in the house too. It isn't easy. But the boy only has one Dad.

Ok so you may have to live with ss being there full time from now if his parents refuse any other option. I'd still outline some clear stress points I.e. Lifts to school, bedroom for ss, and lay these firmly with your DH as a problem he must find a solution to. This is his decision ultimately, not ss. So he must make it workable.

This is what I would do.

And for the poster who said about why we had a child so quickly and why we got married so quickly... because we wanted to! I don't need your permission to do so!
I really hope you are not as aggressive in real life as you come across here. It's obvious that you got married quickly because you wanted to and that you didn't need anyone's permission. What some posters -including me- have been trying to say is that by doing so, you have sped up the process of adjusting to your new life, and now you have to cope with everything within a very short period of time, hence all feeling very overwhelming. We all make choices in life because we want to, but when you put ahead what makes you feel good because thinking of the repercussions, you usually pay the price for it and that's what is happening to you.

I still feel that your OH is not telling you everything about his son. Did he secretly always wished that he would come and live with him and jump at the opportunity when he got the chance? How did the conversation happened that it was decided he would move in with you. I understand the picking him up when he was upset and saying that he wanted to live with dad, but how did it then go? Did OH said to you that he would love his son to live with you and you said ok? Or did he announced that his son was moving in and that was that and you went along with it without an argument? Or did he way that it was only a temporary arrangement? Or is it a case that he is concerned over what is happening at home with his mum and he thinks he has no choice but to take him on because he is worried for his welfare if he goes back to his mum?

I wasn't being aggressive I am annoyed that people think they can judge and say that it wasn't the right time or too quickly... is there really a "right time" and people do not know our relationship, etc. My parents married after 2 years and they are still together 34years later.
The full story all though long winded is... we married on the Saturday, flying out to honeymoon on Sunday so Sunday morning we sort DDs out at my parents (we had all stayed there on the saturday) and then dropped SS off back at his mums. Within 3 hours of dropping him off, the xbox situation occurred and we get a phone call whilst sat in the airport saying if we didn't go and pick him up there and then we wouldn't be seeing him again. DH obviously panicked but I explained because of SS's age unlikely she can stop as SS wouldn't go along with mum if he wanted to see dad. Off we go on holiday... Whilst away we receive abusive messages saying DH is a s#$t dad, it's all his fault, etc. A few days later we receive message saying SS has said hes now living with us so (in a nut shell) what time you picking him up... and that was pretty much it I was told he was moving in, it wasn't discussed, it just happened. Me stupidly(!) thought it would be a short term thing and SS would surely want his mum at some point and go back to hers but this doesn't seem to be the case as now SS doesn't want to see mum. I have said to DH that we need to enforce him spending time with him mum as she didn't the other way round and it wasn't fair if we let him do it too.
His welfare at home is his mums top top top priority he is a very well looked after boy and tbh very wrapped up in cotton wool (which is obviously personal preference on how you raise children). She honestly loves him and would do anything for him so his welfare is not a concern.
I think maybe DH is thinking he doesn't have a choice as SS wants this or maybe he wants to prove to the ex he isn't a rubbish dad, I'm not sure!

Anyone with or have had 10/11yo's is it normal for them to have outburst as I've described about wanting to do certain things when told no or do you think there is more to what we have been told or do you think he has an "anger issue" - term used lightly as he has only had 2 outburst of anger in 6 months ??

People who rush into relationships with partners who have children without factoring them into the equation are selfish. You openly admit you didn't not consider your DP son in your situation, or how you could develop a relationship with him before you had a baby and got married, he has been nothing but an after thought but it's ok because you got to do what you wanted and weren't going to be told what to do.

Swing is right, blending families is never easy sometimes it takes years before additional DC are even in the equation because parents and step parents work on the relationship with their children and step children, it's never smooth but without doing that you end up with situations such as your current one and resentment creeps in. You need to ask yourself why DH has agreed to having DS because it's seems abig jump from rarely seeing him to suddenly have him living there over a trival arguement.

My dsd has moved in with us, her needs are equal with everyone else and I treat her the same as the other children in the house. Shes17 but she still has rules and they're enforced by both her dad and me, I'm not her parent but I'm her parent figure. We also get along great, we respect each other and it makes for a lot of love.

Sorry posted too soon. Dh has been really supportive of my needs during this time, he's been apologetic for putting this on me, but really he never needed to be, as soon as I got with him it's been a possibility and one I was prepared to take on. I struggle a bit with suddenly having 3 children, along with the washing and driving them about etc.

I do know where you're coming from, honestly I do, I adore my dsd but it's still been hard. I think what you need to do is accept your situation, only then can you move towards making it a happy one for all involved. Good luck

Op I'm not going to labour on the point as it's been made before but you really aren't coming off well at all in your first post or the following ones which read like a bit of a tantrum tbh. It sounds from your update that your SS has been badly let down by both parents here. His mum has obviously intentionally not facilitated much contact with your DH and your DH has clearly not been too fussed, moving on and creating a new family for himself.
Ask yourself why he feels strongly enough to want to come live with you in spite of the fact he barely knows you or your DC. He feels pushed out and the worst thing you could do atm is anything to increase those feelings.

What that means is that yes he needs to stay, your DH needs to do what he can to establish routine and boundries for his DS. If he doesn't do that the problem is with your DH, not your SS.
Of course he must have his own room, or course he will be around in the evening and of course he needs one on one time with his dad separate from your daughters.
I understand he was never part of the plan, however he should have been. Tbh I'd be really worried about having a child with a man who had minimal contact with his child to the point that he'd had 11 overnight stays in 2 years. Doesn't bode well should your (relatively new) relationship and marriage not work out

I really wish I had never read this thread. With each new message from OP it becomes more awful. OP re-read your last post and then you too may get the complete contradiction between your description of events and your assertion that this young child's welfare is his mother's 'top concern'. It is heartbreaking and you are saying whatever you think will put you in a better light.

I wasn't being aggressive I am annoyed that people think they can judge and say that it wasn't the right time or too quickly... is there really a "right time" and people do not know our relationship, etc. My parents married after 2 years and they are still together 34years later.
It's not judging, it's common sense. I too fell madly in love with OH and within a month of knowing him, knew he would the one forever. I could have married him and moved with him there and then BUT, I knew it was too quickly because I knew there were many adjustments that would need to be made, habits to change, compromise to be made. We waited 18 months, taking things adapting to each other's ways and him getting to know my kids and that was with him not having any children and being no financial issues are both have good jobs.

So yes, I do think that a lot of the frustrations you are experiencing now are purely do to having rushed things. Your parents might have done well, but I expect they were younger and more importantly, didn't come with already made children.

Saying that, and that was pretty much it I was told he was moving in, it wasn't discussed, it just happened, this is very very wrong, and all this over a xbox doesn't make much sense, so I still expect there was more to it. Maybe mum lost it and was physical with the boy, or vice versa, or her partner? Could your husband believe that it was just a temporary arrangement but has since found out more. It does come across as if communication between you and him is not great as all those things should have been discussed.

When are you supposed to all move in the new house?

You may think this is unhelpful or harsh, but consider if the situation were reversed. Imagine your 3yo lived with her dad, and your DH had full custody of his DS. You move in with DH and his DS and have a baby. Then your 3yo suddenly decides she wants to live with you. You only have three bedrooms in your house, one for you and DH, one for the boy who has never had a room of his own before, and one for your baby. The 3yo is suddenly there all the time, interrupting your school run arrangements for the 11yo, taking up space, and you are newly married so she is interrupting the quiet time with your husband and you had hoped she would live at her dad's indefinitely so you could continue as you had before. She isn't your husband's child so it's just not fair that he has to put up with her being around, and your ex is full of excuses why they didn't get on.

Does that sound unreasonable? Can you not imagine not wanting your 3yo living with you because she is inconvenient? Now just remember that is how your husband will be feeling about his son. Your wishes are not more important that his, and your child from your previous relationship is no more entitled to be a full time member of your family than your stepson.

For what it's worth, I am a stepmum. I became a stepmum aged 20, to boys who were in their teens, so I get that it's hard, I get that it takes time to bond, but you have to persevere for the future of your family.