What did his ex say when you were having a baby?

[Greenbigtree]

So we kept the pregnancy secret from everyone until it I could hide it no longer, because we knew his ex wouldn't take it well.

Anyway, he told her. She went ballistic. The abuse received was extremely hurtful. I got really upset. I'll add that I am not the reason they split.

My oh and his ex have a rather awful relationship but even I was shocked that a grown up woman could speak like this about an unborn child.

She has said that we are fucking up her kids life by having a baby. She thinks that my oh no longer should have access to his sons as much. She wants to reduce his access. I've told my oh she can't do that when they have had a regular contact set up for a long time.

We also have another issue. At present we are crammed in to a
Very small home. It is not suitable for us all and we are planning our move. It is quite a considerable jump in size, but it is needed and it's not luxurious by any means - it is the growing rent for a 3 bed. The rent for this property is a lot more.

My oh is a low earner - in fact I earn more doing 50% less hours than him. He pays his ex a considerable amount of maintenance (over the Csa amount and also pays half of anything needed for them that she asks him too, which is a lot!), but he was able to do this when they first split as he was living with his parents.

He has been able to continue this in or current home as its off a friend, but the new home is £400 more a month when we move and will have the baby etc.

Has anyone had to break it that they will have to pay a more appropriate rate of maintenance? We have my oh's kids half the week and his ex has a very good job and actually brags to my oh about how much her and her partner brings home each month, but still says he is a shit dad because he should be paying half of all of her bills in addition to the maintenance!

When we moved in we never reduced it for the fact that I have a child in the home either.

At the moment if the kids tell her their dad has bought anything she calls and shouts at him for being a shit dad for not paying more maintenance when he could afford to buy a new much-needed work outfit!

[Bluebell878275]

I'm so cross for you. There are so many cries of how useless the NRP is if they don't pay what the RP feels is good enough but what is so often forgotten is the money the NRP also spends on the child when they are at home with them. Food, electricity, water, toiletries, clothes, etc.. the amount is so much more than the CSA calculator.

[Shockedbyfolk]

Wannabe - so he isn't allowed to move on with his life??? get a grip.... life moves on and both parents are entitled to have children with other folk and unfortunately yes, money is affected.... that's life, the same as it would be if mother or father lost their job...

everyone needs to adapt in these situations and I think it's fair to say that the OP and the childs father are trying to do the right thing by the child so the mother will just need to suck it up and get on with it...

[Greenbigtree]

Thanks for your support. Today she gives him two abusive calls saying she spotted him coming out of waitrose and that if he can afford to go in to waitrose, he can afford to give her more money. The reason he was in waitrose is because I had asked if he could do me a favour and get a gift voucher for my parents. He explained that and she said "do you think I was born yesterday".

I am one of those people who bends over backwards to get on with everyone. my ex and I are very fair And reasonable, so I find it very difficult that she isn't.

I am trying to block this behaviour out of my life, but it's very hard.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

None of her business where he shops.
What if he said to her "Saw you coming out of Waitrose today. You obviously don't need as much maintenance if you can shop there"... I reckon that would go down like a lead balloon. So she has no rights demanding more money just because of where he shops.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Also, he shouldn't have even given her an explanation as to why he was in Waitrose. Does he always feel like he has to justify simple every day things to her? He was a customer shopping in a supermarket- no explanation needed.

[MoreCoffeeNow]

He really shouldn't have got into a discussion with her about Waitrose. None of her business.

He should tell her straight how much she'll be getting in future and tell her to take it to the CMS.

I think you need to check the figures again because I don't think he needs to give her very much at all, given how much of the time the DCs are with you.

If she gets a strop on about access tell her you'll see her in court and make sure the DCs know it's her withholding time with their dad.

[Bluebell878275]

That's partly where the problem lies....that's the sort of text that should be ignored. Don't justify yourself..you just get drawn into long pointless slanging matches over nothing. If you feel you need to reply, literally just text back something completely different to what the ex has moaned about. It changes the conversation and shows that you don't care about her opinion about something so ridiculous. It becomes easier over time..you'll become a pro diverting and minimising.

[cara0463]

CSA is there for a reason..use them. I understand it's about the children but maybe pay through CSA then try your best to contribute more when and where you can. I understand all men should support their children. But some of these women take the piss and bring in a hell of a lot of money from having children. Me and my partner both work full time. We have two children together and he has a daughter from previous relationship. He was always paying 200 a month for his daughter which we thought was fair. She got greedy, called CSA and now he pays 320. We obv think that's a ridiculous amount but whatever, if that's what they thinks a fair amount we'll pay it. She also has a child from a new relationship and did the same thing to that baby's dad a few months ago when they split and gets 200 from him. 520 a month before all her benefit because she doesn't work. And she also admitted she only had another so she 'didn't have to go back to work'. I understand there are honest, hard working mums out there. But it is infuriating when a select few scroungers ruin it for everybody else!

[MalodyandJim]

How many children does he have with her?

[emilywemily]

Typical mumsnet response a non resident father should live with fucking nothing because he is no longer with the child's mum
I'm guessing she claims CB and tax credits as the main carer - does she declare to them the time the children stay with you? Because in my experience these kind of women DO NOT admit shared care and get maximum benefits as well as squeezing as much maintenance from the father. Now I'm all for men paying for their DC BUT if care is basically 50:50 then they should not claim full benefits from the tax payer as a full time parent! That is fraud

[emilywemily]

I fully believe that if a resident parent is denying access for no good reason then they shouldn't be allowed to claim CM until they stop their shitty behaviour - the amount of money wasted on legal aid taking these petty women to court was absolutely shocking. So now that right has been taken away from everyone and children will be denied loving parents - because so many 'parents' denied their exes contact for their own bitter childish reasons the system buckled under the strain

[Berthatydfil]

Cara paying 75% of the minimum is nothing to be proud of

[NNChangeAgain]

I fully believe that if a resident parent is denying access for no good reason then they shouldn't be allowed to claim CM until they stop their shitty behaviour -

I know it isn't a popular view, but I do agree with you - the way in which malicious women fund their court cases has to be a consideration, surely?
My DHs ex applied to court to stop all contact with his DS the day after she withdrew several £hundred from their DDs bank account - their DD had worked for me to earn money for college and her mum took the money to "pay for things she'd already bought".

If a malicious RP has the disposable income to pay legal bills, court application costs, barristers, take time out of work etc then aren't they using money that could otherwise be put towards something beneficial for the DCs?

[NNChangeAgain]

"He explained"

Those two words are key to everything you've posted on this thread.

Why does he feel the need to explain?

Why does he want her "approval"?

Why is he rewarding her abuse with the attention she is so obviously craving?

Her opinion should not be affecting your life. And it is. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[cara0463]

So if a man works his arse off and therefore earns himself a really good wage why should a mother who does anything she can to avoid working get the benefits of his hard work?It's all circumstantial in my opinion. 200 a month for one child is a very fair amount in my opinion yes...the fact she took him the CSA for more was nothing more than greed

[Greenbigtree]

He just feels that he needs to justify his actions. This morning he's called me to say he's received threatening Texts from her parents and her boyfriend. Saying that he's a fucking disappointment and he should be ashamed of being a father.

She is fraudulently claiming credits as a single parent when her boyfriend's lived there for over a year!

I find myself getting extremely emotional about it all (could be pregnancy hormones). I often wonder if she is happy with the decisions that she's made that she has the time to stress our lives out. Yet she bangs on about happy she is.

What's funny is she has disclosed to my oh what her salary, boyfriends and tax credits equate to each month (5k!!) so unless they are drug addicts I have no idea where their money goes!! Our household income as a comparison is (2.5k!)

[AyeAmarok]

Because, Cara, a child is legally entitled to be financially supported by both parents, commensurate with its parents' (both parents) income.

Your partner is not working hard to give his ex money, he's working to fund his CHILD. I don't know any parent who isn't a knob who wouldn't want their child to have any of the benefits of their higher earnings.

And PS - 200 a month contribution towards your child is nothing. £320 isn't exactly a lot either. Children cost a lot more than that. Full time childcare (or lost wages even if NMW) is nearly 3 times that, which is what he'd have to pay if he had his child full time. Plus housing, heating, electricity, food, activities, clothes, etc etc.

That you think £320 a month is far too much shows how clueless you are.

[cara0463]

And wouldn't that be lovely if the money got spent on the child and not on clothes and drugs for herself on the weekend! Again...circumstantial

[2016Hopeful]

Well, if you look at it from the point of view that he needs to provide a decent home for her child for half the week but has a lower paid job than her and she gets to keep the house it is an unfair situation. Why doesn't she have to pay him at all??? No one should really pay anyone in your situation as you are both looking after the child for half the week.

I would go through the CSA and pay what you need to pay. After that you are looking after him in your home for half the week and paying for half the food and clothing and hobbies.

[NNChangeAgain]

He just feels that he needs to justify his actions.

To someone who commits fraud? Why? He needs to work that out.

This morning he's called me to say he's received threatening Texts from her parents and her boyfriend.

Why? Why call you? He knows you're emotional, he should be protecting you. Telling you when you're face to face and can gauge your mood, maybe - but calling you up and telling you something that he knows will upset you over the phone is not the behaviour of a loving, caring partner.

If he's been threatened, why doesn't he call the police? That's a practical response, not calling you for emotional support.


He needs to work out why his exs opinion matters so much to him and why he is relying on you for emotional support to deal with her.

[Shockedbyfolk]

Amarok.... are you kidding? £200 is a lot to some folk and £320 is a fortune to them.... keeping in mind that the £200 or £320 is ON TOP of the CB, CTC and WTC (where applicable)....

my question to you is... role reversal and based on your income without the additional subsidies provided by the government... could you afford £200 or better still £320 every month after you pay all your bills?? take time to write it down and put yourself in that situation.... seriously!!

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

A lot of people don't earn enough to hand over £200. Amounts such as £200/£320 would be an absolute fortune to someone who doesn't earn much.
Thankfully it doesn't work the way that some people would like it to work.

[AyeAmarok]

my question to you is... role reversal and based on your income without the additional subsidies provided by the government... could you afford £200 or better still £320 every month after you pay all your bills?? take time to write it down and put yourself in that situation.... seriously!!

Yes.

If i couldn't afford that then I couldn't afford a child, given that FT childcare is almost £1000 a month.

[AyeAmarok]

A lot of people don't earn enough to hand over £200. Amounts such as £200/£320 would be an absolute fortune to someone who doesn't earn much.

Which is why the CMS stipulates a lower amount for those on lower incomes. If the CMS are saying the minimum you should be paying is £320, then your income isn't low, it's average.

If your income was actually low, you'd be paying significantly less than that.