What did his ex say when you were having a baby?

[Greenbigtree]

So we kept the pregnancy secret from everyone until it I could hide it no longer, because we knew his ex wouldn't take it well.

Anyway, he told her. She went ballistic. The abuse received was extremely hurtful. I got really upset. I'll add that I am not the reason they split.

My oh and his ex have a rather awful relationship but even I was shocked that a grown up woman could speak like this about an unborn child.

She has said that we are fucking up her kids life by having a baby. She thinks that my oh no longer should have access to his sons as much. She wants to reduce his access. I've told my oh she can't do that when they have had a regular contact set up for a long time.

We also have another issue. At present we are crammed in to a
Very small home. It is not suitable for us all and we are planning our move. It is quite a considerable jump in size, but it is needed and it's not luxurious by any means - it is the growing rent for a 3 bed. The rent for this property is a lot more.

My oh is a low earner - in fact I earn more doing 50% less hours than him. He pays his ex a considerable amount of maintenance (over the Csa amount and also pays half of anything needed for them that she asks him too, which is a lot!), but he was able to do this when they first split as he was living with his parents.

He has been able to continue this in or current home as its off a friend, but the new home is £400 more a month when we move and will have the baby etc.

Has anyone had to break it that they will have to pay a more appropriate rate of maintenance? We have my oh's kids half the week and his ex has a very good job and actually brags to my oh about how much her and her partner brings home each month, but still says he is a shit dad because he should be paying half of all of her bills in addition to the maintenance!

When we moved in we never reduced it for the fact that I have a child in the home either.

At the moment if the kids tell her their dad has bought anything she calls and shouts at him for being a shit dad for not paying more maintenance when he could afford to buy a new much-needed work outfit!

Personally my dos ex went batshit crazy and started saying she was going to kill herself / me / the baby / dp.

I ignored it. It's not easy though I appreciate that. Chances are she's all mouth and no trousers and won't actually start killing anyone.

As for the maintenance it makes me laugh.

If you're in a relationship and you have one child together, you probably spend x amount on that child. You then have another (and let's say your wages haven't changed) you don't have any more money than you did before, (unless you get a bit of cb or tax Creds but nothing significant changes) your first child isn't going to get as much spent on them are they? No.

So it's ok to do that (and nobody would complain!) if both kids are from the same mum and dad, but not ok if they have different mums.

He's still going to be paying more than he should be so I don't see the problem. He owes fuck all to the ex and needs to stop explaining himself to her.

Maybe he should go to the csa, they will tell her what he should be laying, she'll have a heart attack and the hell be able to say well I'm still willing to pay x amount more.

If she continues to whinge I would be tempted to just keep paying what you've agreed and literally just ignore her, about everything except the kids. There is absolutely zero need for any communication about money. Or bloody waitrose!!

If i couldn't afford that then I couldn't afford a child, given that FT childcare is almost £1000 a month.

Presumably that is paid for by both parents of your child though?

All this don't have a baby unless you're a fucking millionaire shit boils my blood.

Not everyone can afford £1000 a month childcare. Not everyone needs it.

Oh and can I just say my child definitely doesn't cost £320 a month!

He costs about £10 a week on milk, maybe same on clothes (average) and about £4 a week on nappies and wipes.

If someone was going to give me £320 a month I wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do with it!

I had to pay a mortgage and heat my home and pay for electric before I had a baby so I don't consider those costs directly associated with a child!

When people say children cost soooooo much, what are you doing with them?!

Maybe teens who eat shit loads and need expensive uniform? But littlies? I don't see it. They don't need much!

Well, typically, you either need childcare or you need someone to not work so they can be at home to look after the child. So either you pay childcare or you lose wages, so there's still a cost.

You need more space for a child, so housing costs are different (a couple without children can live in a one-bedroom flat). That's cheaper to rent/buy, cheaper to heat (plus if you're at work all day you don't use heating/electricity, whereas having a baby in it it needs to be warm all day), council tax is less, food is less... And they don't stay babies you know.

Look forward to you trying to bring up a teen on £14 a week. Best of luck with that!

If someone was going to give me £320 a month I wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do with it!

Same! To me it's just a crazy amount.

Amarock As others have said, not every child costs £1,000 per month for child care and every situation is different, the point I (and others are trying to make) is that it's the parent with primary care of the child who gets all the financial help... both parents have the same essential outgoings (mortgage/rent, council tax, food, heating) and need to have the same essential stuff when their child is with them...

so you are saying that on your salary alone (no financial help from anyone) you can afford your mortgage/rent, council tax, gas and electric, food, transport to/from work, clothes and still have £320 left over every month??

Yes.

And if I was the NRP and I couldn't afford what the CMS said was the minimum i should pay for my child, I'd cut my cloth accordingly. I'd live in a less nice home, have a less-nice car, eat less expensive food, and wouldn't go on to have more children that I couldn't afford to support.

I wouldn't just suit myself and unilaterally decide that my DC1 child should go without so I could spend more money on myself and my new partner and our new children.

And if I was the NRP and I couldn't afford what the CMS said was the minimum i should pay for my child, I'd cut my cloth accordingly. I'd live in a less nice home, have a less-nice car, eat less expensive food

You know what? Circumstances change. My DH was made redundant and was unemployed for 9 months. In that time we struggled to survive even though his CM payments dropped to £5 a week.

I sent my DD to stay with her dad as our house was so cold we were wearing hats and gloves to bed, and we could only afford beans and jacket potatoes to eat.

We didn't have a car.

You have no fucking idea if you think that 'living in a less nice home' is the worst it'll get for a NRP

Yes, circumstances change and sometimes there's nothing you can do, and that's life.

But much more often it's an active choice that someone makes - eg to start a new family with a subsequent partner, or just give up their job or go self-employed to teach the evil, money-grabbing ex a lesson for daring to go to the CMS.

Sometimes people don't plan babies. Should they abort them just so their other children's circumstances don't change?

And to be fair ops dp is still paying more than he should be, if the ex went to the cms she'd be an idiot, so I don't think what you've said is at all relevant to this case.

If he wasn't paying enough then fair enough, but he is.

Actually, I was talking to Cara, she whose partner was paying £200 a month for his first DC, but the CMS said it should be £320 minimum, which she thinks is his ex being "greedy"

Thank god some mummies on here agree with me!!! When he was paying 200 a month we hadn't done the CSA calculation and just sorted it between themselves..as he has gradually earned more he has paid more. She got greedy and tried her luck for more and unfortunately she won. He didn't contest or argue it..he pays..simple as that. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it is a silly amount! So if he earned hundreds of thousands a year then she's entitled to thousands a month? How so? It's ridiculous that she should reap the benefits of his success especially when most of it is spend on things other than the child!

I think some ex's are greedy to be honest.

Some aren't, of course. Some get nothing which is completely unfair.

But some are literally in it for the cash and don't give a shit about their children.

Some text you in the early hours of the morning in New Year's Day and complain they haven't been paid (yeah it's bank holiday fuckwit!)

So please don't try and tell me that none of them are greedy because believe me some are!

Milkyface...thank god for you and your sensible words!My other halfs ex texts on a Friday..where's my money...MY money?! And then drunk texts him calling him all the shitty dads under the sun. It's so circumstantial. If she was a good mother he'd be more than happy paying whatever he needed to but she's a joke. Some women literally have children to make money or avoid work. It's horrendous

Haha I get it ive been there!

I don't begrudge his ds anything we buy him all sorts. Dp pays maintenance etc but it's frustrating when ds comes here in knackered clothes etc when she's away every other weekend with her mates....

Haha your situation sounds exactly like ours! She took her new bf (4th one this year that his little girl has met) on holiday for a week and left the kids at home! But yeah she totally deserves 320 a month.

So if he earned hundreds of thousands a year then she's entitled to thousands a month?

No, his CHILD would be entitled to thousands a month.

And she didn't "get greedy and win". He wasn't even paying the legal minimum, that's disgraceful. He ought to be ashamed of himself, and you of him.

Anyway, I'll leave you "mummies" to your little ill-informed love-in, as I can't bash my head off this particularly dense brick wall anymore.

Just hope you don't find yourself in the ex wife's position one day, as if he'll do it to his first DC, he'll do it to his second.

Yeah because a 9 year old is entitled to thousands a month! To spend on what?! Sounds like you may be a bitter little ex yourself hence the high horse.So what we should do is give it to her drug abusing mother (before you comment,yes we do have wheels in motion to try and remove her from her care) rather than put it in a savings account for her like we were? Give it to her mum to spend on her boyfriends rather than spend it on clothes and school supplies for her ourselves like we were doing? If she was providing a stable happy home for her and caring for her like she should be then great..but that's not the case in all circumstances!

Aye ahhhh ill informed. That's me!

Because I know nothing at all about raising a child even though I have one of my own.

I've said many times on here, and discussed with dp many times that I would rather have 50/50 care with him and no money pass hands. You know why? Because that's the way it should be done.

I don't want his money. I will never want his money. I want him to parent his child, whether we're together or not.

A lot of parents don't have this stance, a lot of mums don't want to give up time with their children, and a lot of dads don't want to give up their their free time, and in some cases vice versa.

Time is 100% more important than money for me.

Just because you personally have phenomenal childcare costs, doesn't mean everyone's in your situation and would take all the money they can get.

I for one, would not.

Well said milkyface. Time and attention are everything. It's a pity more don't see it that way!

I cannot understand why some posters (lookluv) think it's unreasonable that he should want to reduce his maintenance! He has his child half the week. (I know csa class half of all nights as 50/50 so technically not) but in terms of hours he has his child half the time.

This means that his ex also has their child half the time.

Therefore, he is paying her money for her time with the child. She isn't paying him anything for his time with the child. Both equal amounts of time.

So why do some posters feel he 'should be supporting his child and shouldn't drop any maintenance due to a new child' ?

Why should he be paying anything at all?! (Because csa dictates, I get that).

As you can probably tell, I'm in this same position. My partner has kids half the time - rightly so - more in the holidays because of the nature of his job. Pays ex maintenance for her time, through csa. She still thinks it's not enough!

The system is wrong. He pays her for her time with the children - and also pays for his time with them.

Crackers!

Chocolate - glad I'm not the only one.

She's been on the phone this week saying she's having to work full time and she's told everyone it's because my oh doesn't support her. Just a joke. How she can't live on 5k a month is seriously beyond me. Like I said previously mine and my oh's combined salaries are half that and we have more kids to feed/clothe etc, and the maintenance to pay!

she's told everyone it's because my oh doesn't support her.

My DHs ex tells people that. She's even managed to persuade his parents.
She's still smarting from the fact that she was told when they divorced that she wouldn't be entitled to spousal maintenance because she'd consistently been the higher earner throughout their marriage. She still believes, even now, that he should be contributing to her living costs so she can maintain the lifestyle they had when they were together.

Unless you've actually heard someone in that situation say it, it's hard to believe it actually happens, isn't it?

My 'poor' ex cut his maintenance payments in half because he said he couldn't afford the diesel on his banging brand new audi. He earns minimum 700 a week, gets an absolute bargain renting from a friend... I suppose he did meet a new woman who lives 20 miles away so am sure his diesel is more expensive...