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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Taking photos

19 replies

GoodShipLollipop · 11/07/2016 10:08

DSS, aged 12, is glued to his iphone. No problem with that but I don't feel comfortable with him taking photos of DS, aged 3.

I know it's natural for siblings to take photos of each other but in a situation where I have no control over what is happening to those photos (as opposed to being able to police this with a bio child) I want to protect little DS's privacy.

What is your experience with this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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SparkleSoiree · 11/07/2016 10:22

What do you believe he may do with the photos?

Original poster

GoodShipLollipop · 11/07/2016 10:42

Post them on social media.

To clarify, this is not about anything sinister, just that I don't want photos or films of DS being shared on the internet by anyone. It's a personal choice - I don't share anything online.

OP posts:

CwtchMeQuick · 11/07/2016 10:52

Can't you just ask him not to put photos on the Internet?

whatsagoodusername · 11/07/2016 10:58

Is he already posting them on social media?

I'd think it was nice that he likes his brother enough to want to take photos. Would just telling him he's not allowed to post them be enough to stop him?

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/07/2016 11:00

Would you have this issue if he was your DS rather than your DSS? Because it sounds like he's just taking pics of his little brother to me.

DD is 14. She takes pics of her two younger brothers all the time. All three if them pulling faces, wearing silly clothes, etc.

There's nothing in it.

Original poster

GoodShipLollipop · 11/07/2016 11:02

He doesn't have tons of common sense and I am not convinced he would stick to any request.

I don't have (or want) any access to his social media so wouldn't even know if something went up or who could see it.

His parents don't seem to think he needs any restrictions online but that's another matter.

OP posts:

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/07/2016 11:03

Are you "friends" with your dss on social media? I am with my dss and I can see what he posts. He had a few pics of ds 3yrs (his half sibling) on there, if I did t like something if ask him to remove it.

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/07/2016 11:04

Cross posted....maybe you should "friend" him then.

Original poster

GoodShipLollipop · 11/07/2016 11:09

I don't use Facebook and don't plan to. I have nothing against it, it's just not for me.

If DSS was my biological son then I would have a say in how he used the internet and would police his social media.

OP posts:

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/07/2016 11:13

Then get your husband to police his social media, as that's his Dad. If not, then your bigger issue here is your husband rather than your DSS.

Seems to be a pattern with step-children threads. Generally crap husbands not stepping up and supporting, rather than the children involved.

2nds · 11/07/2016 11:16

I think your unwillingness to join these social media sites is a big part of your issue. Your three year old will be 12 one day and will be online on the latest social media sites of the time and surely joining now would be a good thing for you if you want to get used to keeping an eye on what your own child gets up to?

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/07/2016 11:17

maybe its time to get on FB then. If only to ease your mind.

TimeforaNNChange · 11/07/2016 11:31

Step-DS's online use can be a nightmare in blended families - my DHs DD posted my full address on her (unrestricted) FB wall when she was 12 in a conversation with a school friend who she discovered lived in the same street as me

Fortunately, my then DP backed me up and, in the absence of support from the DCs mum, told his DD that he would report his DDs account to FB as she was underage if she didn't take my address off (she didn't, he did, the account was deleted by FB).

Sadly, unless your DP agrees, there is not much you can do. If he was prepared to back you up, then you could quite simply make the rule that photos of siblings do not go on FB and if you find out they have, then mobiles will be banned from use in your home. And follow through. But your DP needs to be on board.

WannaBe · 11/07/2016 11:46

So are these naked pictures? Otherwise I really don't understand the fuss and talk of "protecting his privacy.".

And whilst I understand that children at that age do need to have an awareness of online safety and their own privacy, taking pictures of his little brother is a natural thing to do. Also, if your DP, who is also your DS' dad has no issue with his eldest taking pictures of his youngest there is very little you can do about it. And to make a fuss about it will be a sure-fire way of causing resentment from your DSS.

braxit · 11/07/2016 17:45

I don't think that's entirely fair. Whilst I understand that your wishes are different, and that you are the parent, you can't control every single aspect of your children's lives and I do think that this is a bit controlling.
You might be mum and you might not want any pictures posting online, but he isn't posting pictures of somebody else's child, it's his own sibling! He's old enough to make his own choices and he obviously adores the sibling so why would you want to control that? Social media is a huge part of identity at that age and unless there is something innapropriate about the photographs it's extremely harsh to say he isn't allowed to post any pictures point blank of your son? What are you trying to achieve with that? Maybe have a chat about privacy settings to make sure only his friends can see but you can't ban what he posts. Would you ban your dh from sharing an image of your baby online if he really wanted to?

Batboobs · 11/07/2016 17:51

This sounds harsh, but welcome to the real world. I can't imagine that a 12 year old, would be more interested in uploading pictures of his 3 year old sibling, than communicating with his friends online, but all you can do is ask him not to upload them, keep an eye on any pictures he takes and let it go. I don't see how you will be able to enforce compliance on this.

Perhaps he is just proud to be a big brother and wants to take pictures. Being a control freak over this will lead to resentment on both sides. Learn which battles are worth fighting.

navylily · 11/07/2016 18:06

I have an Instagram account solely for the purpose of monitoring DD (and DSD's) use of it. Why don't you do the same with Facebook or whatever sites DSS is using? Even if you don't want to post anything yourself it will help you connect with his life, and also see what he's sharing. He probably thinks his little brother is cute and wants to show him off to his friends, which is kind of sweet of him.

Does your DP use social media if you don't?

Tbh, I think you'll be fighting an uphill battle trying to prevent any photos of your DS finding their way online. He'll soon be in pictures with friends, with your family, etc.
And maybe worth thinking through why it really matters to you. You take him out the house in public presumably? So you're not exposing anything on social media that isn't already visible in public. (I'm assuming that your DS isn't adopted, or that you've fled a violent ex or anything which might give real reasons to want to keep hidden)

Lunar1 · 11/07/2016 20:41

You need to get yourself up do date on social media and understand how it all works. You dh sounds like he won't take responsibility, and before you know it your child will have accounts that you don't understand and can't control. The best you can do is keep yourself familiar with what your dss is posting, it will help when you get there with your own child.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/07/2016 00:48

It sounds like the fear you have is of what you can't see, know or control. If they were both your sons you'd have a good idea and probably less scared.

I'd get on social media yourself and see what the photos are, I imagine it is probably your DSS having great pride in his brother, and sharing him as his own sibling, and the main way being for kids now social media. So I'd think hard before banning it.

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