Unclean, messy step daughter

[Mrsbloggs]

Need a bit of advice... I have two small children (5 months and 2 years.) with my husband who I married a few years ago. We also have one of his teenage daughters living with us, she's 16 years old and just finished GCSE's. She's a lovely girl, very pretty, hardworking and super smart. I actually like having her live with us. She does have one massive fault and that is she is very unclean and has poor personal hygiene. She often smells of body odour. I've noticed this for over a year since she's been living with us and nagged my husband on multiple occasions to talk to her about it, but he never has. Over the past month we've all been really sick in the house. I decided last week that I needed to fumigate the house to get rid of whatever bugs and germs are in the house. I got so far until I got to my step daughters room. It's been a disgusting mess for a long time and whenever my husband asks her to clean her room she only does a surface clean. I've noticed a smell coming from her room over the last few months and bought a plug in air freshener to help, but still it did not get rid of the smell. The morning I was fumigating the house, my mum came over to help me, and my husband and I tried to call my step daughter to get her to come home to help, but we couldn't get through, so my husband gave me permission to go in her room and clean it out. Well, OMG! When I did it was disgusting. My mum was with me and we had to pull out all of her clothes. There was literally hundreds of them. It was like something from a horders program. I could not tell what was dirty and what was clean. She had been putting back dirty period knickers and skid marked knickers, tops smelling of b.o, dirty bras etc (sorry for the graphic degail.) in with clean clothes. My mum was horrified and said we had to clean everything. So 25 washes later and her clothes were clean, dried and piled up. I got her to sort through clothes she didn't want and took the stuff to charity. Out of her room I also pulled mouldy food, bags, drink bottles, it was disgusting. During her bedroom raid she came home and I had to confront her about it. There were tears and I had to explain I was only trying to help her. I made her smell her clothes and told her if she could smell them then other people could too. In the end she was grateful and I felt like I had turned a corner with her. I helped her file important documents and explained to her about health and hygiene. Anyway, I put a washing basket in her room yesterday and said every day she needs to put her underwear, tops etc in the basket. I even told her that I would wash her clothes daily and she could have them back the same day. Anyway, this morning I went into get her washing and her dirty knickers were no where to be found, or her smelly top she had been wearing all day in the cafe where she works. I confronted her about it and she lied telling me everything was in the basket, but it wasn't. I took a pic and showed her, but she didn't even have the decency to reply to me. I've told her father (husband) and he said he will speak to her later, but anyone got any advice on how to deal with a young woman who is very unclean. Should I even be doing this? I feel it's a woman's job, but she has nothing to do with her mother, so I've had to step up. Have I been too nice? At the end of the day it's our house and we've got two small children here, she needs to respect that. Am I wrong in thinking that?

I'm asthmatic and I have to wear a mask to clean some stuff or I have an attack. I'd also clean the house if we'd all been ill. It's not ground breaking stuff :o
I'm also a woman

kinda baffled that you seem to think you needed permission to go into her room.

Think op was trying to be as sensitive and non-confrontational as possible. Teenagers' rooms are their castles, for better or worse!

How did you as a family allow the problem to get so bad that you need to fumigate the whole house?

They weren't 'fumigating' (figure of speech, btw) the whole house because of sd's room. It was because of sickness going round the family for a period of time, and op felt the need to disinfect/clean the house thoroughly, in the course of which the full horror of her teenager's room became apparent.

It is a word that's generally used tongue in cheek :)

No, but I think it was established further back on the thread, that op was using fumigate as a euphemism.

The point is I cleaned, disinfected, fumigated whatever, the house.

ficbia have you taken an angry pill?

We all already know your opinion ficbia, you don't need to keep repeating it.

Wow
Sorry you got such pasting on here OP. Bit judgemental aren't they!!
It sounds like she is embarrassed, especially by the stained knickers. Maybe she hid them because she didn't want you to know she wasn't coping well with her periods.

I think kindness is the key - not confrontation. Ask her if she would rather wash her own clothes, show her how to use the machine, but tell her they have to be washed. Make sure she is using the best sanitary protection for her, buy her some nice shower gel and sprays etc.
I have two teenage boys and they are stinky creatures. Every morning I open their windows and pull back their bedding and check for dirty clothes otherwise their rooms would pong.

I don't have teenagers, so perhaps am no judge of normal teenage behaviour, but this doesn't sound normal to me. Perhaps it's indicative of underlying depression or trauma (maybe related to her mother's absence)?

I would focus on the underlying causes of which the poor personal hygiene is a symptom.

Give her access to the washing machine. Why should she hand her underwear over to you? She's a young woman, give her some space and some respect. You have invaded her space, and you took your mother in there too, to further humiliate your step-daughter. Take a step back and think how this looks from the outside - you don't look like a nice, concerned step-mum, you look like an intrusive clean-freak - and I'd guess that's not what you intend, as you have some really positive things to say about your step-daughter at the start of your opening post.

I was confused by 'fumigate', too. And by the lack of paragraphs but that sometimes happens when people are posting from their phones, I think.

I would take a good look at your husband, her dad. She is who she is down to him and much as her mum. He should be ashamed of himself, letting her room and his daughter get into this state.

Once you finish looking at how he parents look at your children, is this what you want for them? I Would want a man as neglectful as him having as little influence over my children as possible.

OP, just ignore all the crabbing about why you cleaned her room, what you wore and who helped. Ignore all the missing-the-point pontificating about fumigation or cleaning. It's all nonsense and nothing to do with the real issue.

There have been some good posts which point out the key thing - someone has to teach young people to wash themselves and understand about clean clothes. They don't just do it on their own. No one has helped your DSD by the sound of it and so she will appreciate your support, I'm sure.

You did the right thing. It's worth remembering that she has lived that way for a long time and won't suddenly get into the new habits or remember it all immediately, so gentle reminders and support need to continue.

It's worth being very clear with her about the health aspects of her personal hygiene as well as the wider issues. Maybe ask if she went to school with anyone who smelt bad and if she understands why it's important to have a clean body and clean clothes. Explain that clothes can carry smells and that tops, socks and underwear can only be worn once. I'm guessing no one has EVER told her this simple fact. You may have to explain to her how to wash (and how often) - if she is just waving herself under the water in a shower then it won't really work.

I think mouldy food left in bedrooms is a real no-no and would be very firm about this. No one wants mice or insects or worse in their bedroom or house....

Hang in there - it sounds like you have only good intentions.

That's a good point Meridan.
My DSD used to think just sitting in a bath of water was washing!!
First time she stayed with me her bath water was as clear when she got out as before she got in!!
She was really surprised to learn that soap was required or it was a waste of time

OP, haven't read the rest of the thread since my post but wanted to apologise that I'd misread your original post - I too read it as "This morning" - hence my confusion!

It sounds as if you are really concerned for her, and I think that's great but I do think your husband needs to assist so you can show a united front with this. My DSS is 7, so we aren't at this stage yet but I can see it happening!

I have a dd like this. I think it was incredibly kind of you to clean someone else's daughter's room, for whatever reason! At least your step daughter was grateful; my dd would've been screaming at me for invading her privacy, as she did when dh (her step dad) cleaned it! Yes your husband needs to man up (as do I with my dd) and firmly speak to her, with consequences if she doesn't comply with basic hygiene practice.

Exactly!

I imagine that she will think it's gross to use her hands so maybe one of those puff things or flannels and some nice soap/gel.

Oh, and probably worth a chat about period leaks in underwear, PJs or bed - how to avoid and what to do if it happens.

Some of you are really being unkind to the Op.

I have a two dds and two dsds. My oldest is 17 and I did exactly the same as you not that long ago, it was a tip and I literally couldn't cope with the state of her room. She and I spent an entire day pulling the entire room apart, 8 loads of washing (one entire load just socks), endless rubbish, bags of stuff to the charity shop etc. I have had to nag her endlessly since to ensure she puts clean washing in her drawers.

I too bought a small laundry basket for both my girls and they put their dirty stuff in there each night, bring it down and I wash it and any clean, ironed stuff is put in it for them to take back up and put away. It's kind of working so far!

My 13 year old dsd also had issues with putting dirty stuff in drawers, used sanitary towels (which is disgusting) in with clean knickers. And I told her dad he HAD to deal with that as it was better coming from him. She doesn't live with us though.

Your partner is being a dick leaving it all to you to deal with and I don't blame you in the last for getting to the point of just deciding to sort it out.
Unless you've lived with the overpowering smell of BO permeating the entire house I don't think you can underestimate how revolting it is for everyone.

As for hygiene, just remind her daily to wash/shower/bath/wash hair. Buy her some Lush soaps which smell really nice or some new shampoo. Invest in some dry shampoo for days she's not washed it but you really would like her to go out with hair looking at least a bit clean.

Seems that some people come on here just to try and find fault and cause trouble!

Teens can be a nightmare where personal hygiene and keeping their room is involved. Sounds like you're doing a great job OP. I really feel for you must be so difficult when you are also looking after two very young children.

I think your DH really needs to step up this really isn't fair on you.

It might be worth getting DSD's periods checked out at the doctor's (if your relationship is strong enough). When I was her age I had really heavy periods and lots of leaks. Didn't discover this wasn't normal till much later, when I had endometriosis, infertility - the lot!

I had similar with my DSD, and it was a horrible situation to deal with, because I was her step mum, not her mum. I've also a teenage DS and need to harass him daily just to brush his teeth, but he does it and he rolls with it. LIke you, my DSD did not 'roll with it' - and would not let me NEAR her room.

I begged her Dad AND her Mum to do more with her, DP did a bit but she snapped his head off. Her Mum totally ignored it 'because she lived with us' and told her not to listen to me at all. Eventually I gradually tip toed around her, bought her expensive toiletries, bought her underwear, went through her clothes with her. Just went into her room while she was out and scooped up anything and washed it. Every step of the way was stressful, with her glaring and hating me really.

I basically gave up in the end. And she moved out eventually, but her room still has a smell that I can't seem to get rid of, it was in a terrible state and there was an insect infestation that affected the whole house. DSD still wears smelly clothes and doesn't wash her clothes. In a way I wish I'd got stuck in more, because even if they hate you, if it's that bad it affects their health. They may be depressed or have other issues, which would need other help too. However, it's a downward cycle in a child that kind of needs us adults to intervene. Even as a step parent, you can't just leave a kids room to go to complete hell. It's not healthy, mentally or physically, and part of being the adult is setting some basic standards for everybody, for their sake. We are responsible for our houses and the dependent, younger ones in them.

I guess I"m saying - that even if you didn't do it exactly in the right way, or as perfectly or sensitively as you could, the fact, OP, that you DID do something is much better than ignoring this. And if her own parents are being totally slack, then of course you should do something. At least she did sound like she is taking it on board a little.

Wonder why she is doing this.

I would not have let anyone else do my washing at that age. Would it cause chaos to let her have access to the machine herself? It sounds like you're really busy and I'm sure it's easier if it all goes in at once but at 16 (or 12) I would have found that mortifying.

If knickers are really stained then can't she just chuck them out? We're talking Primark type underwear presumably?

How easy is sanitary disposal in your house? Does she have a small bin which she discreetly empties and an endless supply of disposal bags?

I do think that having your mum involved will have made this more upsetting for her, as will taking photos. But practical solutions wouldn't be too hard to find.