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Step-parenting

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Unclean, messy step daughter

109 replies

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 10:17

Need a bit of advice... I have two small children (5 months and 2 years.) with my husband who I married a few years ago. We also have one of his teenage daughters living with us, she's 16 years old and just finished GCSE's. She's a lovely girl, very pretty, hardworking and super smart. I actually like having her live with us. She does have one massive fault and that is she is very unclean and has poor personal hygiene. She often smells of body odour. I've noticed this for over a year since she's been living with us and nagged my husband on multiple occasions to talk to her about it, but he never has. Over the past month we've all been really sick in the house. I decided last week that I needed to fumigate the house to get rid of whatever bugs and germs are in the house. I got so far until I got to my step daughters room. It's been a disgusting mess for a long time and whenever my husband asks her to clean her room she only does a surface clean. I've noticed a smell coming from her room over the last few months and bought a plug in air freshener to help, but still it did not get rid of the smell. The morning I was fumigating the house, my mum came over to help me, and my husband and I tried to call my step daughter to get her to come home to help, but we couldn't get through, so my husband gave me permission to go in her room and clean it out. Well, OMG! When I did it was disgusting. My mum was with me and we had to pull out all of her clothes. There was literally hundreds of them. It was like something from a horders program. I could not tell what was dirty and what was clean. She had been putting back dirty period knickers and skid marked knickers, tops smelling of b.o, dirty bras etc (sorry for the graphic degail.) in with clean clothes. My mum was horrified and said we had to clean everything. So 25 washes later and her clothes were clean, dried and piled up. I got her to sort through clothes she didn't want and took the stuff to charity. Out of her room I also pulled mouldy food, bags, drink bottles, it was disgusting. During her bedroom raid she came home and I had to confront her about it. There were tears and I had to explain I was only trying to help her. I made her smell her clothes and told her if she could smell them then other people could too. In the end she was grateful and I felt like I had turned a corner with her. I helped her file important documents and explained to her about health and hygiene. Anyway, I put a washing basket in her room yesterday and said every day she needs to put her underwear, tops etc in the basket. I even told her that I would wash her clothes daily and she could have them back the same day. Anyway, this morning I went into get her washing and her dirty knickers were no where to be found, or her smelly top she had been wearing all day in the cafe where she works. I confronted her about it and she lied telling me everything was in the basket, but it wasn't. I took a pic and showed her, but she didn't even have the decency to reply to me. I've told her father (husband) and he said he will speak to her later, but anyone got any advice on how to deal with a young woman who is very unclean. Should I even be doing this? I feel it's a woman's job, but she has nothing to do with her mother, so I've had to step up. Have I been too nice? At the end of the day it's our house and we've got two small children here, she needs to respect that. Am I wrong in thinking that?

OP posts:
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Owllady · 29/06/2016 10:45

I know the dynamics are a bit different but I'll give you my advice as a mum of teenagers

If you expect a level of cleanliness in the house, I think from my pov, you have to check their rooms yourself

If they are very private, you have to have rules regarding a clean a week of room, a good clean once a month

If the clothes aren't in the basket, I tend to just collect them, same with washing up tbh - rod for my own back but it's easier

Remind them to shower every day, buy nice bath/deodorant stuff to encourage this

Don't humiliate them. It's really difficult being a teenager, especially from a bodily fluids pov. I'd hazard a guess she's upset/embarrassed about the period knickers so hides them.

Lastly, she sounds completely normal! But if you want it clean/tidy either keep reminding her or do bits yourself. I know people will say rod and back etc but is it worth getting so upset about? I don't think it is

Maybenot321 · 29/06/2016 10:47

I also don't think you can shut the door and forget about it, if as you say you've all been constantly unwell (+ you think it's hygiene related) .
The thought that other people might think she's dirty and can smell her, would spur me on.
She needs constant gentle daily reminders and her dad needs to get on board.

MrsJayy · 29/06/2016 10:48

1 of my dds were a bit like this at 13 though not 16 she felt awkward about everything pants and bras would be hidden or binned im not sure why teenage awkwardness i guess but I think you have for whatever reason your stepdaughter has gone beyond that because it had not been checked or challanged

Somerville · 29/06/2016 10:48

I second a kind and sympathetic approach.

Having no contact with her mother is unusual and this may have left her behind in some area, developmentally, socially or just with practical things.

I would go back a few steps and teach her about cleanliness and how to stay tidy.

If it is really as bad as you think, and doesn't start improving with support I would actually consider whether everything is okay with here, and if she's happy or not.

Being a teenager with only one parent can be tough (I have one of those myself) and they do need extra support and attention from the parent they do have.

Also, if you want to get close/stay close to her, please respect her privacy despite her hygiene issues. Taking photos of the inside of her room, particularly of her clothing, isn't acceptable. Neither, in my opinion, is letting your mother in to help clean it (though it's obviously nice of your mother to help). I'm not doubting your good intentions, but in most situations with teenagers, being firm but really kind gets you further, quicker. And that's especially the case where a teenager who has experienced trauma or is upset is concerned.

Owllady · 29/06/2016 10:50

I'm not doubting your good intentions, but in most situations with teenagers, being firm but really kind gets you further, quicker. And that's especially the case where a teenager who has experienced trauma or is upset is concerned.

This^^

ficbia · 29/06/2016 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 10:54

Thx for the posts. I have to say I actually tried to delete this post, because I felt so upset about the attacking I was receiving at the beginning. I'm just trying to be a good person and I've never brought up teenagers before. I'm only just coming to terms of being a mum and a wife. Anyway thanks for those who have posted kindly. It's not something I can ignore and I think it's important for me to help her as much as I can. I will just do my bit daily. Thx again xx

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Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 10:56

My mum was there by default. It just happened that she was there trying to help me. I'd been so sick for 4 weeks. Lost over a stone in weight and hardly slept. Not to mention my 5 month old was rushed to hospital by ambulance three nights before. I couldn't bare the kids being sick any more. My husband was back at work for the first time in 2 weeks

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Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 10:57

We had all been so sick in the house and cleaning it with disinfectant was the only way I could think to improve the health of our living environment

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ficbia · 29/06/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustwannadance · 29/06/2016 10:58

She doesn't see her mum and her dad buries his head in the sand. Unfortunately it then falls to you.

How about showing her how to use the washing machine and getting her to wash her own clothes if she is embarrassed about you dealing with her dirty clothes.

wobblywonderwoman · 29/06/2016 10:59

Don't worry about people on here upsetting you op. Most people will be nice Flowers

I have two small DC and don't know how you could manage a teen also.

I do think dh needs to step in a bit more here.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:01

No you didn't read the post properly. My post is written fine. You just haven't taken the time to read it slowly. Rushed over a cup of coffee no doubt

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Somerville · 29/06/2016 11:01

Having two children with an eighteen month gap, plus living also with a teenage step daughter is tough already, OP, even before taking into account all the illness etc...

Is your husband being supportive and pulling his weight? This stuff with his daughter really should be an important priority to him at the moment (along with the health and wellbeing of all of you), though clearly where period knickers are involved she might be less embarrassed if you're emptying her laundry basket instead.

meowli · 29/06/2016 11:01

It could be that she's depressed, op. Has she got friends, a social life? Maybe there's some embarrassment at giving you her stained clothing. Maybe she's decided not to use deodorant/shampoo because she feels it's more natural (that is a current thing, I think).

It's difficult. You always feel you're treading on eggshells with teenagers a bit, anyway, and hygiene is such a sensitive issue. I think I can only echo what pp have said - keep on encouraging kindly, maybe take it upon yourself to go and gather up her washing, if she doesn't seem to be putting it in the basket, and maybe talk to her about any anxieties/foibles she might have around washing and keeping clothes clean.

meowli · 29/06/2016 11:03

Oh, and Flowers
It can be bloody hard work bringing up teenagers!!

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:03

Thx. Some people are so rude. I don't understand. I came on here for help and advice, but people of ridiculed me for wanting a clean home. Believe me when you're sick with young children coughing and crying, temperatures and vomiting, you'll do anything to get them better. Even if that means ripping your 16 step daughters room apart because it is an infestation of germs...

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MrsJayy · 29/06/2016 11:03

When you said fumigated i had visions of papersuits masks and sprayBlush not giving it a good clean i have reported my first post as it was dismissive and rude and I mis understood

TheWindInThePillows · 29/06/2016 11:04

Op, you sound overwhelmed yourself and personally I don't think there's a problem with asking your mum to come in, we do this in our house and also the cleaner goes in the children's rooms and they are not off-limits for cleaning at all.

It is extremely unlikely though that your sd is the cause of your bugs/stomach upsets, it will be your young children who haven't got their immune systems up and running well yet and go to places like nursery/childcare which are germ factories. Your sd's room whilst unpleasant to her, isn't causing you any problems (unless you ate off the floor or used the plates without washing, for example).

The main issue is that she has a body odour and needs to be changing clothes, especially underwear more often. This is something you can encourage with, but where's her dad in all this? Does he want his dd to smell and this to be noticeable?

I feel bad for you, you seem to be running the entire household and doing all the physical and emotional labour there as well, I would be having a conversation with him about needing him to step up and parent, he's really culpable for letting this go on.

Maybenot321 · 29/06/2016 11:04

FWIW I would have done (have done) exactly the same in your situation too, with that level of family sickness.Poor youFlowers
I think fumigating is a figure of space here ficbia

Maybenot321 · 29/06/2016 11:05

Figure of speech....duh!

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWindInThePillows · 29/06/2016 11:07

When I've had stomach bugs, I do similar- clean all the door handles, telephones, bathrooms, surfaces with anti-bac.

Your sickness is not caused by her dirty clothes or dirty dishes, though, you must not blame her for that because it's not the case. Clean her doorhandle though as you do everyone's as that's an obvious place to start.

Owllady · 29/06/2016 11:07

Any clean of a teenagers room feels like a fumigation :o