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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Unclean, messy step daughter

109 replies

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 10:17

Need a bit of advice... I have two small children (5 months and 2 years.) with my husband who I married a few years ago. We also have one of his teenage daughters living with us, she's 16 years old and just finished GCSE's. She's a lovely girl, very pretty, hardworking and super smart. I actually like having her live with us. She does have one massive fault and that is she is very unclean and has poor personal hygiene. She often smells of body odour. I've noticed this for over a year since she's been living with us and nagged my husband on multiple occasions to talk to her about it, but he never has. Over the past month we've all been really sick in the house. I decided last week that I needed to fumigate the house to get rid of whatever bugs and germs are in the house. I got so far until I got to my step daughters room. It's been a disgusting mess for a long time and whenever my husband asks her to clean her room she only does a surface clean. I've noticed a smell coming from her room over the last few months and bought a plug in air freshener to help, but still it did not get rid of the smell. The morning I was fumigating the house, my mum came over to help me, and my husband and I tried to call my step daughter to get her to come home to help, but we couldn't get through, so my husband gave me permission to go in her room and clean it out. Well, OMG! When I did it was disgusting. My mum was with me and we had to pull out all of her clothes. There was literally hundreds of them. It was like something from a horders program. I could not tell what was dirty and what was clean. She had been putting back dirty period knickers and skid marked knickers, tops smelling of b.o, dirty bras etc (sorry for the graphic degail.) in with clean clothes. My mum was horrified and said we had to clean everything. So 25 washes later and her clothes were clean, dried and piled up. I got her to sort through clothes she didn't want and took the stuff to charity. Out of her room I also pulled mouldy food, bags, drink bottles, it was disgusting. During her bedroom raid she came home and I had to confront her about it. There were tears and I had to explain I was only trying to help her. I made her smell her clothes and told her if she could smell them then other people could too. In the end she was grateful and I felt like I had turned a corner with her. I helped her file important documents and explained to her about health and hygiene. Anyway, I put a washing basket in her room yesterday and said every day she needs to put her underwear, tops etc in the basket. I even told her that I would wash her clothes daily and she could have them back the same day. Anyway, this morning I went into get her washing and her dirty knickers were no where to be found, or her smelly top she had been wearing all day in the cafe where she works. I confronted her about it and she lied telling me everything was in the basket, but it wasn't. I took a pic and showed her, but she didn't even have the decency to reply to me. I've told her father (husband) and he said he will speak to her later, but anyone got any advice on how to deal with a young woman who is very unclean. Should I even be doing this? I feel it's a woman's job, but she has nothing to do with her mother, so I've had to step up. Have I been too nice? At the end of the day it's our house and we've got two small children here, she needs to respect that. Am I wrong in thinking that?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:08

My mum had a mask and gloves on, so nit to get sick. Does it really matter? The point is I cleaned, disinfected, fumigated whatever, the house. The whole point of the email was advice about a teenager, my step daughter, not to be abused and have an argument about fumigation...

OP posts:
user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 11:08

kinda baffled that you seem to think you needed permission to go into her room.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:08

Lol!!! Yes owllady. Thx for understanding x

OP posts:
ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:09

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2nds · 29/06/2016 11:10

"I feel it is a woman's job", I'm not much of a feminist but even I would be alarmed at this.

I feel sorry for your stepdaughter. How did you as a family allow the problem to get so bad that you need to fumigate the whole house?

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:10

I know my sd's room isn't the cause of the sickness. The point of my post was to ask for advice about an unclean teenager. I was just telling the story that's all. Got some good advice

OP posts:
Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:12

Ficbia - stop commenting on this post. I will report you. Your posts are unhelpful and rude

OP posts:
ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsbloggs · 29/06/2016 11:13

I'm not commenting on this thread any more. Too many trolls. Thanks to everyone who has given me kind and constructive advice

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 29/06/2016 11:13

OP, how long has she lived with you? Were there massive issues where she was living previously? I am a social worker and i have seen young people like your SD who have been through massive amounts of neglect, trauma or abuse. Could this be a factor? It s often a control thing coupled with a lack of self worth and low self esteem.

I think you need to be gentle and loving with her but consistent. Make sure she knows that you and her father love her but do not like the way she is behaving. Keep chipping away at it and hopefully by the time she wants to live independently she will know what she needs to do and has the skills required to keep herself, her clothes and her surroundings clean.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:14

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Somerville · 29/06/2016 11:15

OP you can't control who posts on a thread once you start one, but you can ignore anything you don't like. Remember it's just words on a screen. If posters are questioning stuff and are wrong, feel free to ignore. If they're rude, then ignore. If it's a personal attack, then report.

I do a lot of ignoring on here. Grin

Well done for caring, with your step daughter. Keep putting this back onto your husband, because it sounds like you have a lot on your plate already.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/06/2016 11:15

Ok you didn't actually fumigate. You can't blame people taking it that you did, as that's what you said. But your mum was in a mask? It sounds like she's shit stirring tbh. That's ridiculous (did she bring her own mask or did you just happen to have one in?) and I would say a calculated move to wind you up more. I devour age the girl and keep your mother away until she stops acting like that.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/06/2016 11:15

Devour age = encourage.

Maybenot321 · 29/06/2016 11:16

ficbia
I disagree about the dirty room not causing illness, it could be spread by droplets, you can't assume otherwise.
Debatable whether the OP' s mum should have been involved, but in the circumstances the OP describes, I think you are being very harsh towards OP.

titchy · 29/06/2016 11:16

Sorry but disinfecting the house because you are ill is ridiculous and will only serve to encourage a poor immuno-response to future illnesses. I assume you're a bit of a clean-freak? Please don't do that again - that's one of the causes of anti-biotic failure we're now dealing with.

Clearing out her room, without her permission, then sending her photos to effectively prove what a disgusting slob she is - again absolutely out of order and will have dire consequences for your long term relationship with her. Pity you didn't post here first....

You need to apologise profusely to her for that, and then ask her what she thinks will help everyone live harmoniously together. Don't focus on the hygiene. Listen to her and encourage her to make suggestions as to what SHE wants to happen, how she thinks you could change your habits to make her feel more welcome and part of the home. Be aware she may well be in the depths of depression, and you might have triggered a further decline.

cricketqueen · 29/06/2016 11:16

But you are kind of blaming her for the sickness. You are then taking pictures as evidence to humiliate her. You took your mother in her room, someone who isn't related to her. Who lamented about how disgusting she is. If you want to tackle this you need to be kinder. Taking pictures, daily checks etc are just likely to make her hide things better. She has no mother, fgs be a bit nicer to her, been a teenage girl is hard especially with no maternal support.

Ratbagcatbag · 29/06/2016 11:16

I have to nag, continue to remind and bloody argue sometimes with my DSS. I just keep it light and friendly now, and remind him three or four 80 times he needs a shower.
I strip all the bedding in the house weekly/fortnightly so his gets lumped in with it. I take anything thats lurking in there too.
Have you tried buying her black cheap pants (primark etc) as they don't show marks up? Is she happy with her sanitary products as they can make a massive difference. Panty liners can help too.

MrsJayy · 29/06/2016 11:18

Your mum had a mask on thats odd its a dirty bedroom not a leprosy colony have you and your mum always had germ issues

Owllady · 29/06/2016 11:19

The girl wasn't there ficbia and wearing gloves to clean (or even a mask if you have a dust allergy) is normal. There's quite a few of us in life who have had sub standard parenting and I'm sorry if you were one of them but the poster has asked for support, she's never had a teenager before. I agree that her husband isn't being supportive enough but it's not always the stepmother fault. Having teenagers is difficult, even if they are your own. Cleanliness is an issue I imagine all of us have to deal with where teens are concerned, sometimes just knowing that is normal helps.

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/06/2016 11:19

you should have left it to her dad and shut the door bullshit, why the obsession with step parents having to create this false divide from step kids in the household? The dsd obviously needed help and that's what op has done - helped her.

ficbia you clearly have some sort of weird chip on your shoulder given the way you're repeatedly attacking op, she has done nothing wrong.

Op I would just keep trying and keep reinforcing the message, underwear and top in the laundry basket every day. Remind her you're not looking at them, you're just washing them. Patience may be necessary to get round whatever the issue is here.

ficbia · 29/06/2016 11:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybenot321 · 29/06/2016 11:21

Well if the room stunk, what is the problem with wearing a mask?Confused