stepson/ partner advice please

[auts89]

Hi everyone I,m new here. I have been living with my partner for 5 years now. His son who is now 16 stays weekend/holidays. Anyway My partner works away from home Monday - Friday and now his son just turns up with friends whom I ask to leave. My step son has now started to stay over when my partner is not here and he makes me very very uncomfortable in my own home. I have asked him not to come here when his dad is not here but he does as he wishes.
How do I ask my partner to tell him not to come here when he is working away as he makes me feel unsafe and I do not sleep. I work and start at 7am-7.30pm leaving him in my home allowing him to please himself and invite all his friends in during the day, which I don't want.
Thank you in advance.
Autumn

How does he make you feel unsafe? The friends thing or other ways too I mean. You've known him since he was 11, what's your relationship been like?

If his dad isn't there what are is reasons for staying and how does he get in?

Why would it make you feel unsafe? That's a very odd thing to say about your SS. What are worried he is going to do?

Surely that's the issue rather than him staying or not. What does his dad say about him coming over when he isn't there and what's the reason?

What does he do that makes you unsafe?

Your attitude stinks against your DSS you been with his dad since he was 11. It is as much his dad's house as it is yours. What have you got to be afraid of, is he abusive towards you? You wouldn't treat your one DC this way.

Firstly he brings a lot of friends and although I don't allow it they drink alcohol in the house. My ss gets argumentative and can be physical stating he can do whatever he wants while he is here. I have been physically assaulted by him in the past (pushing and shoving, verbal abuse) and as he is so much taller and stronger than me I worry.
As he comes in the afternoons/evenings and stays, I have to leave at 6.15am to go to work I cannot lock him in the house and he will not leave.
I don't think my attitude sucks as for years our relationship has been ok but now he is 16 and thinks he can do whatever he wants stating I'm not his mother.

I certainly think his dad needs to have a word with him about boundaries.

I would not be happy with my own teenager treating me or our home like that and basically using it as an empty house for all her mates to come round and treat it like some sort of party base.

If he wouldn't behave like that when his dad is there then he shouldn't be behaving like that when he's not.

Talk to his dad and tell him that this needs to stop. As much as you don't mind his son coming round, he needs to stop bringing all his friends round, drinking and being abusive.

You really should of stated that he was violent and abusive in your OP. You would of got different responses rather than drip feeding. What's your DP got to say about this behaviour? I would suggest removing his key if he is vile and abusive and his DP having a sit down chat with him about his behaviour.

I totally disagree with jessica - and I too have had the 'it's their house they can do whatever they want' thrown at me as a SM. No it's not. Separated parents have agreements about time spent at each house, and it's a stupid idea to let them come and go as they please. Basically letting a kid be unparented. I've had this and it SUCKS so have complete sympathy OP. It doesn't matter if they are agressive or not, as being aggressive is a worrying factor even if at an agreed weekend and your DP is there - that should be stamped on immediately.

Your DSS should not have a key if he is just turning up without your and DPs agreement. If he cooperated then that's different, but he isn't. A key has to have a basis of some trust attached, and your DSS is not showing any at the moment. So change the locks if need be. Only let your DSS stay at agreed times and not when DP is not there. Your DSS has to grow up and stop being such a twit really - and show you some curtesy and cooperation, as any adult would to another adult.

He shouldn't stay the night before if he's going to refuse to go in the morning.

Does your DP get this? Or is he just burying his head in the sand?

So a strong, tall 16-year-old has verbally and phsyically assaulted someone.

What did your DP say and do about this? What did his mother say and do about this?

This is NOT acceptable and don't let anyone minimise it. His parents should have come down on this VERY, VERY hard as a matter of urgency. He should also have apologised to you.

If you told your DP about what his son did and DP has done nothing then I think your problems are very serious. I would leave.

Does DSS still do this?

If this aspect has been addressed to your satisfaction and you are left with the 'house invasion' part then I would expect his father to take his key away (without warning, so he doesn't have a chance to copy it) and read him the riot act. There is no excuse for not supporting and protecting you in this situtation. If you feel intimidated then DSS should not be in the house without his father present. And I would ban his freinds until he has shown that he behave like a decent person.

His son sounds like he might need counselling/anger management issues. Somehow, he has developed the idea that it's ok to verbally and phsyically abuse another person - in this case a smaller, weaker woman in a position of 'authority'. There is no way this will solve itself if not addressed. For his sake and yours, his father needs to act urgently and decisively.

Call the police on him. Little fucker throwing his weight around when his dad isnt there. Hell no to that.