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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Attending family events

24 replies

Andrewsgirl · 11/06/2016 12:35

Hi everyone, I just wondered how extended family events worked for you all? For example Father's Day, usually I get together with my Mum, Dad and my children and my sister and her husband and children. Now I have step children I want them to be included in events like this but my sister feels they are encroaching on family time and she doesn't always want them around. This is all very new but I'm of the opinion that myself, my partner and all our children come as a package now and people have two choices - like it or lump it? Am I expecting too much of my sister and I should accept that some events my step children shouldn't be invited to? What's people's thoughts thoughts? Thanks

OP posts:

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cannotlogin · 11/06/2016 13:49

To the 95th wedding anniversary of Great Aunt Ethel, not really an issue. Yo an event celebrating Father's Day when their father will be present, very unreasonable.

The phrase 'encroaching on family time' is awful.

wheresthel1ght · 11/06/2016 14:51

Your sister is nuts!

Now you are a blended family you come as a package. Either everyone is invited and welcomed or no one goes.

I had been with dp for 6 weeks when I met my Dsc (over eager mil engineered it against my wishes) and 6 months when they met my parents. Since then they have met virtually my entire family. In fact my sister asked them to be page boy and flower girl at her wedding long before she had ever met them! Not a single person has ever suggested they were not welcome and if they did they would no longer be considered part of my family. The kids are lovely and although when I first met them they had no manners and were awfully behaved dp and I have worked hard to set boundaries and teach them how to behave (their DM doesn't believe a child should ever be told no in any circumstance). When dp and I decided to make a go of our relationship I knew the kids were part of that package. We are a family in all senses of the word. They are part of my life.

They have been invited to every family event that we have and my cousin and his new wife were quite disappointed that the kids weren't able to attend their wedding and even had places laid out for them and food ordered just in case heir DM changed her mind about swapping weekends at the last minute

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 11/06/2016 17:20

I think all of you should be invited.

However, if the DSCs aren't with you on a day that you plan to do something with your family, then you are well within your rights to go ahead without them. Sometimes events fall on non contact days/weekends and that can't be helped.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 11/06/2016 17:30

Thanks everyone. I completely agree that if events happen on a day we don't have the children then that can't be helped. It's more around events when we have both sets of children and us being invited as a 'package' Maybe my sister needs time to adapt and I was just naive that my step children would be welcomed by her into the family. Families are so hard!

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 11/06/2016 17:35

They are part of YOUR family now. So your sister is talking nonsense.

rodneydel · 12/06/2016 08:22

You say it's new, has your sister met your dsc?

My family haven't met my oh's DC (actually my parents have once for about an hour), so they'd probably not think to invite them. It's more a case of the fact that we aren't properly 'blended' so they see my oh and I as a couple and then my family see me as just me and my dd. They don't see us as a family unit, as they've not met us as one.

I'm not sure I'm really making sense, but if it is a relatively new relationship, she may just be struggling to see how you are a family yet?

Could you say that your oh has his kids that day so you'd like them to come too as you are starting to do more family stuff together?

HeddaGarbled · 12/06/2016 10:24

I think if the family occasion is your sister's birthday or one of her children's birthdays then she has a right to voice her opinion. As it's fathers' day, the opinions which matter are those of the two fathers, your dad and your partner.

JessicaRabbit3 · 12/06/2016 12:01

Blended family's is a funny one you can accept someone else's child but it's another expecting family members to aswell. Is it a fairly new relationship? maybe contact with extended family should be build up not forced. That been send they should be included to open family events celebrations but surely your DP ex your DSC dad would like to see his own kids on this day.

JessicaRabbit3 · 12/06/2016 12:04

I disagree with meeting extended families quickly especially if it's new. Family and the DSC can form a relationship quickly and if that relationship between the parents breaks down its not fair on the kids or the family members who have taken the DSC as part of the family.

nellynoodles · 12/06/2016 12:10

If my sister had that attitude towards my DSD she would be told to fuck right off. How extremely nasty and childish

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 12/06/2016 12:16

Thanks. My Ex is having the children for the day but I've got them back for dinner in the evening so we're having a bar b q. The same thing happens on Mother's Day, I have the children during the day and then they go to my ex for dinner so they can attend a family Mother's Day meal and see their grandmother. All this is new and so difficult to know what to do and what to expect of other people, I guess I just judge it by how I'd feel and act and I'm a very open and welcoming person.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 12/06/2016 14:15

Sorry if I missed it but how new is the relationship? If it's a few weeks then I can understand extended family wanting to wait a while.

Has your sister explained what her concerns are?

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 12/06/2016 14:34

No relationship is about 18 months. My sisters issue seems to be around the fact she doesn't know them very well and I see the only way of getting to know them is by spending time together. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation !

OP posts:

JessicaRabbit3 · 12/06/2016 15:11

18 months to be is fairly new maybe relationships can last 2 years on average. Do you live together? I would maybe start by inviting her round abit more. I see both sides as I have a DS from a previous relationship. He is included it most things but he does have a seperate family. Funny enough there's a post about extended families and there involvement with step children it would help for you to see other people's views and situations. It is a minefield. My DB had a relationship with a woman who had kids my parents made an effort and the woman through it back in their face and split so it's difficult. There no biological link but she can be polite.

JessicaRabbit3 · 12/06/2016 15:12

Many"

OutToGetYou · 12/06/2016 23:10

My sister has accepted my dss as her nephew and invites him to everything. It just wouldn't occur to her not to and I would find it very odd if she didn't.

My cousins are the same, just act as if he's my own. If anything they get upset if he's not with us and can't attend an event.

(I don't really have contact with other 'close' family)

I've had more problems with friends to be honest - my 'best' friend has never asked when his birthday is, nor has she ever bought him a Christmas present despite being invited to our house where I bestowed presents upon her two dc as I had for many years in the past. I gave her a few years to get used to the idea but when she didn't change I reduced contact to a card for her elder ds birthday with a voucher in (no more thoughtful fun gifts - he is my 'godson') and same at Christmas, with nothing for her other dc. She probably doesn't know why but I don't need people with that lack of emotional intelligence in my life.

KatieKateKat · 12/06/2016 23:22

Nope, you come as a package. End of conversation.
You're sister is awful!

KatieKateKat · 12/06/2016 23:23

Your*

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 12/06/2016 23:34

Good lord, they are just children, children who happen to be in a situation that is entirely beyond their control. Why would people show prejudice against innocent children...

It wouldn't matter to me if I went to an event and there were step children, foster children, exchange students or the neighbours kid...you treat them well because they are children. Whether you want to form a relationship or you'll never see them again. You can still have fun and be pleasant and enjoy their company!

Your sister sounds very immature.

Thymewarp · 12/06/2016 23:40

I do think families take time to blend. Are you married? You say the relationship is only 18 months old. Is that in total or time married. If you met and married all within two years it might just take a bit more time for everyone to get to know one another.

She will will have to accept that you now come as a package deal but perhaps her concern is over lack of permanence? I'd be clear, firm but as kind as possible with her.

crusoe16 · 13/06/2016 05:34

They spend Father's Day with their Father. That is the bottom line. Your sister is not a priority on Father's Day.

MeridianB · 13/06/2016 10:26

18 months is very reasonable in terms of bringing DSCs to family events. Unless your sister is hosting at her home and saying you cannot bring them then I'd just not pay any attention to her and take them along.

MeridianB · 13/06/2016 10:28

Just a thought though, OP. I may be nice for your DSCs to spend some time alone with their dad on father's day. Might be worth considering as an alternative/addition to this particular 'occasion'.

Wdigin2this · 13/06/2016 12:44

Every family event will be different, but for Father's Day...of course they should be with you!

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