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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

STEPGRANDCHILD...HELP!!

24 replies

YingtongLady1946 · 22/05/2016 16:07

My son married a girl who had two,children from her previous marriage.
Her boy was nice but her daughter was a complete attention seeker who tried to stop my son visiting me..eg pretending to be sick etc., My son works always fro home but on one occasion he had a contract in his home town, his stepdaughter was it working so he asked her to come and help him one day. She instantly told him she would help if he gave her money.
I was furious as I know how kind and how hard he has tried to be a good dad to them both and has given them a lifestyle they could only have imagined. I have been cold to her ever since..which is probably the wrong way to deal with it but was scared to confront her in case it impacted on my relationship with my son..so I just froze her out, I so wish I could speak to her and try to resolve things, the family are very lowlife and ignorant but in reality I have made every effort to be nice and include them in our lives and make it ok for my son..my mother had a narcissistic disorder and made life awful for me and i would never make life difficult for my son or his family as I know how it feels to have a mother being divisive but i cannot tolerate the awfulness of this adult child. Can anyone out there please offer advice or help. Thank you

OP posts:

Donthate · 22/05/2016 16:11

Gosh you sound awful. It is nothing to do with you how she behaves. Did your son have a problem with her asking for money? If you want to have any relationship with your son and his family you need to know your boundaries.

GoldPlatedBacon · 22/05/2016 16:15

I don't really understand but I suspect if she was your blood grandchild that you wouldn't be posting that she asked her dad for money since its not unheard of to ask parents for financial assistance.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 22/05/2016 16:15

Well don't you sound bitter!

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatStewie · 22/05/2016 16:21

Freezing out a child because you can't stand her has already affected your relationship with your son. Question is how haven't you noticed?

PurpleDaisies · 22/05/2016 16:23

the family are very lowlife and ignorant

I'd be wary of insulting other people with comments that could easily apply to you.

P1nkP0ppy · 22/05/2016 16:24

Good god woman, listen to yourself - I just froze her out ...... the family are very lowlife and ignorant ....... I cannot tolerate the awfulness of this adult child
I'm surprised your DS has anything whatsoever to do with you, you sound very bitter and twisted.

MariaSklodowska · 22/05/2016 16:27

you want me to offer some advice?
cop onto yourself.

StopLaughingDrRoss · 22/05/2016 16:29

Lowlife and ignorant
Given them a lifesttle they could only have imagined

What a horrific way to describe the family of the woman your DS has chosen to be with! You clearly think your precious DS is too good for them but he is obviously happy or I'm sure you would have brought that up..

Not sure what advice you're after really but you need to suck it up and start treating his chosen family much much better!

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 16:33

Oh dear......
I understand you're concerned for your son, and I appreciate you find his DSD's behaviour offensive....but, he's a grown man, if there is a problem he needs to sort it out himself. If you've frozen the girl out it must be pretty obvious to her and her mother, so you shouldn't be surprised if it has already impacted on your relationship with your son and his family!
Your comments about your d-i-l's family, are pretty harsh, and I suspect you resented your DS marrying her in the first place. But it's his choice, and no matter how much you want to help him, it's really best that you leave them to it!

lateforeverything · 22/05/2016 16:49

I really hope that this thread is a wind-up... if not, you seem to have inherited your mother's narcissistic disorder so you might want so seek some professional advice on that

But in the meantime, have this

Original poster

YingtongLady1946 · 22/05/2016 17:29

Many thanks for your comments..i notice that some of the type on my posts was slightly out of sync and may have created the wrong impression.
Actually I do have an excellent relationship with my son and i know that he has great issues with the stepdaughter although neither of us discusses it..
I would not expect him to as I have raised him to be loyal, courteous, considerate etc., which is probably in part why he has given so much to the relationship with his stepchildren. His inlaws are rude, inconsiderate, and Ill mannered. I can truthfully say that I do many things to keep things smooth but many people have issues with inlaws and that is the way it is. I know that if my son did not work away from home then the marriage could be in trouble due to the behaviour of SD. He is happy in his marriage and I am grateful to DIL for this.but manners are manners and I do tolerate much to avoid my son having divided loyalties.

OP posts:

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldPlatedBacon · 22/05/2016 18:41

I still don't understand what the issue is? Why is it wrong for your step granddaughter to ask for payment for helping her step dad with his job that he will be paid for? Are you expecting her to bow and kiss his feet forever for being wealthier than her mother and given her a 'lifestyle' that perhaps her mother couldn't give her?

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 19:11

I am very, very lucky in my d-i-l, she is a lovely person, a wonderful mother and manages my son very well! I also adore my son, but I am not blind to his faults! I think maybe you don't know the full story of what goes on in your son's marriage, there are usually two sides to a story!

NZmonkey · 22/05/2016 20:24

I'd be so upset if my parents froze out my DSD. Luckily they love her to bits and treat her as their own grandchild

wheresthel1ght · 22/05/2016 20:59

Wow you are a delight! I am sooooo glad that my parents are nothing like you and have fully embraced my Dsc.

Has it ever occurred to you that she might be dealing with issues surrounding her parents divorce and her mums new relationship?

Has it occurred to you that it is NOTHING to do with you and you would be very wise not to slag off your DIL's family. You sound rude, obnoxious and frankly utterly vile. If your scathing attitude here is anything to go by I suspect the daughter has seen right through you and doesn't like what she sees. Quite frankly I wouldn't blame her

KittensandKnitting · 24/05/2016 21:21

Oh my goodness!!

If my mum felt like this about my DC (technical step-children) she would be the one being told she was rude, inconsiderate and ill mannered.

Thank heavens she has fully embraced them.

She also fully embraced her DH children and their children, and those little ones love going to her home still after my DSD has passed away.

Many people have issues with overbearing inlaws who have no concept of boundaries, and who throw their toys out of the pram because they don't get what they want.

Bee182814 · 24/05/2016 21:46

You refer to them as 'lowlife and ignorant' - charming! I personally think it is you who is being ignorant here. Nothing wrong with asking a step parent for a bit of financial assistance if, as you say, he's been such a fantastic provider and been such an excellent father figure to him, why wouldn't she feel comfortable to do so?

OutToGetYou · 25/05/2016 15:24

I can't see why an adult dsd of your son is really anything to do with you. Just keep away from them.

princessjonsie67 · 26/05/2016 12:50

can I introduce you to my mother in law? I think you to are either related or would get on really well. She not only make my DH choose between me and her all the time (I never ask him to choose as I see the stress it put on him) but she picks and chooses which grandchild she likes . My DSS has Aspergers and she refuses to have much to do with him as,in her word, he is hard work and hard to get on with. What a charming piece of work you are. If my DH asked his DSS, my DS, to do a job he would automatically give him something for his trouble. Its called being a good parent and rewarding your child

HormonalHeap · 27/05/2016 17:34

What business is it of yours if his step daughter asked for money? You seem extremely resentful that these kids have a good life due to your son. Good for them! Trust me, there's only one looser here in the long term and that's you. You could have made a lovely extended family for yourself in old age but no, you've opted to "freeze" this girl out. Enjoy!

swingofthings · 28/05/2016 07:49

Why does it upset you that SD asked for some contribution for her helping him? It seems like good business acumen to me. The fact that he has contributed to her lifestyle is irrelevant. Kids/teenagers don't fully understand this concept because in the end, they will see it that it was his choice to do it and well....they are right.

You don't have to like your SGD and neither does she have to like you. I expected however hard to think you are trying to hide how you feel about her and her mum, she has perceived the fact that you think you are much better than them, so that's not really going to make her want to be kind to you.

If you genuinely want to try to make amend with her and hope for some sort of pleasant relationship, then you'll need by changing your mindset that she should be grateful that she has your son as a SD and pay him back with adoration.

Frankly, from the tone of your post, I would be very doubtful that you are capable of changing your feelings towards her. It made me smile that you refer to her as an adult child when it seems that this is exactly how you are treating your son.

Writingdragonfly · 31/05/2016 16:14

How old is the daughter, personally i think its totally normal to be paid for helping at a work environment, i mean jobs around the house i got given allowance or pocket money for if i did my jobs to help mum so why not an acutal job? I presume shes a teenager, teens are by nature rude and grumpy most of the time anyway so cut her a little slack and if you have an issue jsut politely speak to your son or dil about the daughter's manners. Personally this isnt your issue though, is your son angry that she asked for money?

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