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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To gift or not to gift?

20 replies

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 01:56

So my partner, I'll be blunt, has been in prison abroad for nearly a year.

During that time I have sent gifts, Dss11, birthday, mothers day etc in his name.

I don't mind but I only speak to ExW regarding these gifts and they seem a little pricey. Especially now I'm running a household on one wage.

DP, says not to bother with Dss 12th birthday. But I think she would be disappointed to not receive anything from him. Especially as she wrote him a lovely thank you letter last time.

So, do I go ahead and gift or not. TBH, I'm terrified of the cost.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wdigin2this · 21/05/2016 03:31

Why are you speaking to EW about suitable gifts?

VimFuego101 · 21/05/2016 03:35

Buy something in your price range. I assume ex wife is giving you a list of expensive suggestions?

Stardust160 · 21/05/2016 08:59

I would be questioning why you would be with someone who is in prison serving time for criminal activity?

Lunar1 · 21/05/2016 10:04

But something you can afford for dss. Your partner sounds a real charmer saying not to bother.

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 11:27

digin I'm speaking to ExW to find out what Dsd11 wants / needs. They change their minds at the drop of a hat at this age.

It's no different from speaking to my sister regarding her children's gifts.

OP posts:

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 11:31

stardust lunar unfortunately foreign law doesn't work the same as the UK.

My DP hasn't been charged with any crime, just accused.

I'm trying to keep things as 'normal' as possible for the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 11:36

fuego yes the suggestions are expensive. ExW knows the situation, knows I'll be paying, but has suggested Dsd11 needs to have something special in order for her to still want to be in contact with her Dad.

OP posts:

ArmfulOfRoses · 21/05/2016 12:06

She needs something special to still want to be in contact with her dad?
Wow, ex sounds lovely, tell her that you totally understand and that you'll buy a nice writing set, then buy her whatever you like.
A voucher for somewhere will be safe at this age if you're really unsure.

OSETmum · 21/05/2016 16:56

I'd be honest, explain that you're struggling under the circumstances but want to get her something nice. If they throw it back in your face then yeah, don't bother.

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 17:51

armful Dsd11 has teen hormones and cannot make a rational decision.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2016 17:53

I'm confused. Who is in prison and who are you sending gifts to??

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 17:54

OS Looks like I'm going to to ring the ExW and carefully tread that minefield again!

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 21/05/2016 17:56

ExW is trying it on, it's not your responsibility to buy gifts to 'buy' this child's willingness to maintain contact. As finances are tight a nice card and a small token gift (if you want to) is fine.

OutToGetYou · 21/05/2016 19:45

I'd buy either a generic 11 year old gift, or send a voucher. To your budget. In a card with a nice message about how he is missing her.

Original poster

truthwithin · 21/05/2016 22:48

outTo couldn't get a suitable sized card. But did think of that first.

OP posts:

AppleMagic · 21/05/2016 22:50

Why don't you set a budget and ask what dsd would like within that budget.

Can't believe her dad said not to bother

OutToGetYou · 21/05/2016 23:46

A normal sized card would be fine. What the heck is a 'suitable sized card' anyway?

navylily · 22/05/2016 07:56

Do you see your DSC at all whilst their dad is away? Would it be appropriate to suggest having them over, or even babysitting a bit at their mum's? I'm thinking that it's really tough on you, including financially, but the ex is probably finding it tough to - presumably she's lost child maintenance and also gets 100% of child care. If you can't afford expensive gifts you should say so, but just wondered whether anything you could do to support them in a practical way would help smooth things over? It's not on for her to suggest that expensive gifts are required for them to want to write to their dad though.

I'd guess your DP is feeling guilty and depressed, hence the suggestion that you don't bother. But I would send something small at least.

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 13:01

Truth I asked the question because I misread your OP, reading back I can see you'd need to talk to ex to find out what DSD wanted.
But anyway, if you are going to continue sending presents on behalf of your DP, (not really sure why you should though) then setting a cost limit within your budget is the only sensible thing to do, and I would be ignoring the expensive stuff on ex's list!

MadisonMontgomery · 22/05/2016 13:33

I think you need to explain your budget and ask for suggestions for presents in this price range. If you are told that an expensive present is needed for DSD to want to stay in contact with her dad - well he doesn't sound that bothered either really, so buy what you can afford!

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