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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS has quit uni

16 replies

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 14:25

He lasted 7 bloody weeks before it got too hard. DH would never hint or suggest this but I'm not surprised but so, so disappointed.

He cuts all contact at any hint that you don't totally support whatever he wants to do. DH can't talk to him about dropping out as any discussion (like "what are you going to do instead") is immediately construed as opposition.

What do you do? Just smile and nod? he is 18 and 1 month. Exw doesn't care.

We had a 6 months of no contact dispite DH calling, texting, emailing, turning up etc about a year ago when DH tried to talk to him about failing exam results and non attendance (he was 1 day of non attendance away from repeating the school year). He offered tutors, living with us, support, help, anything he wanted. DSS cut contact.

What do you do?

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Stardust160 · 12/05/2016 14:29

How do you know his exw doesn't care. There might be a valid reason which his mother knows and has been told in confidence. Him leaving uni isn't the end of the world and realistically isn't your business, he's an adult at the end of the day. It might be that he is more practical than academic

Fairylea · 12/05/2016 14:35

He's an adult and as much as you might disagree with his decision you need to listen and support him.

My dh left uni with 3 months of his course to go because he went through a bad relationship breakdown and didn't feel able to continue. His mum and siblings were very unsupportive and very disapproving and his relationship with them is strained many years on because of it.

Listen to whatever his reasons are and just be there for him.

LemonBreeland · 12/05/2016 14:37

I'm with Fairy. He is an adult. He can make his own choices. DH can wait for him to speak to him about it if he wishes.

Original poster

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 14:39

I do think it's his dad's business yes.

Absolutely know for certain ex w doesn't care. DSS has had increasingly awful reports for years with terrible attendance. She doesn't make DSC do home work, doesn't make them go to school, doesn't go to teacher requested parents meetings and if asked says "well what am I supposed to do?" Uhhhhh parent? She isn't working either so it's not a case of being physically not their or not able to attend.

I know realistically that there is nothing to do but support him, love him and be there but he had so much potential. Always top of his year, winning awards etc until high school when he stopped being number one and he stopped trying.

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Original poster

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 14:43

Thank you for listening. This honestly comes from a place of love and frustration. I/we want what's best for him and he has to find his own path for that.

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MrsCampbellBlack · 12/05/2016 14:48

Very annoying for you. However I'm not sure you can force anyone to do homework if they don't want to.

I am quite surprised anyone thought university was a good idea based on how he behave at school.

OutToGetYou · 12/05/2016 14:49

Eh, how was he seven weeks into uni in May, it starts in Sept doesn't it?

Anyway, not much you can do.

Original poster

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 14:57

Out uni starts early March here. We are not in the UK.

MCB thats a fair point. He was the first in DH family to go. DH wanted to discuss other options but DSS wanted to go to uni.

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MrsCampbellBlack · 12/05/2016 15:13

I can imagine your frustration but you do just have to step back. I guess better earlier than later for him to leave. Lets hope he has some other options lined up.

LemonBreeland · 12/05/2016 15:14

I get that you want the best for him, and not having a relationship where you can easily speak to him is frustrating. But he is an adult and can do as he pleases.

Mishaps · 12/05/2016 15:16

He is an adult and uni does not suit everyone. He has made his choice. He needs some thinking time; but there are apprenticeships and traineeships which give great opportunities. What he needs to hear from you is that you all respect his decision and his right to make it.

starsmurf · 12/05/2016 15:27

He may have found the change to high school, esp without support, so difficult that he didn't do well. That might then make him think he's stupid, so why try? Alternatively, he could have something like Asperger's and have found the change in the way subjects are taught and assessed at that stage beyond his capabilities.

I know you must be frustrated but if he feels that he's "stupid" or a "failure", then other people getting at him about leaving uni will only reinforce that in his mind (it might not be what you're saying but it's what he would hear).

It can't be easy for you but it's better that he leaves now, rather than continue for long enough that he wouldn't get financial support if he decides to go back to uni in a few years. In the meantime, ask him what he wants to do, maybe something like a year volunteering would be good? There are various options.

EmeraldEars · 12/05/2016 15:28

Surely he must have done quite well in school to get into Uni in the first place? I mean this kindly but as others have said you can't choose for him. What you can choose is to not subsidise him.

As others have said he is an adult and part of being an adult is getting a job if he's not in further education. Leave it in his hands.

Original poster

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 16:09

Thank you again for all your very kind replies and support.

He says he doesn't know what he wants to do. He knows he doesn't want to do physical work in the heat. This rules out any outdoor based trades here. He wanted to do Media studies at uni but it turns out the course is more PR based instead of whatever media thing he thought it was.

He said that as he doesn't know what specifically he didn't see any point switching courses.

emerald He failed uni exams but the uni he went to was doing an access course in the region which he completed which guarantees a spot at the uni for most courses (barring vet and medicine I believe).... Which leads me to think that MrsCB is right and we should never have encouraged him to go down the uni path. But how do you say "I know you want to go but I think that's a bad idea!"

Again, thank you all for being so kind. I do get that we don't have any say in it.

Financially DH no longer specifically financially supports him but ex w got a lump sum last year from DH so it's up to her how she uses that obviously.

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Original poster

JanTheJam · 12/05/2016 16:09

and sorry for my terrible spelling and grammar mistakes. I dropped my phone yesterday and can barely see the bloody screen.

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Wdigin2this · 16/05/2016 08:01

My response to DSS quitting Uni would be basically, is it going to cost us? I know it sounds a bit harsh, but as has been said, he's an adult...so if he's not studying, what's he going to do.
Will he get a job, or is he expecting you and his dad to support him financially? Yes I agree it's not your business what he does, but it certainly is your business if it's going to impact on your joint income....I'd get that sorted no matter how uncommicative he is!

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