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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I wrong in wanting to go on joliday with my kids and not my step son

65 replies

birty · 13/01/2007 00:04

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years and we have always had the problem that my partner does not support me or back me up when me step son is cheeky, back chating, rude and general badly behaved. Every holiday has been ruined because of this and for once I would like a holiday with just my kids. Is this so wrong? sorry about the spelling

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Carmenere · 13/01/2007 00:06

It is understandable but it is wrong I'm afraid. Sorry.

colditz · 13/01/2007 00:07

Go with just you and the kids, and let your partner take his son for a 'Just father and son' holiday.

jampots · 13/01/2007 00:07

i dont think its wrong personally but im not in that situatuin

Soapbox · 13/01/2007 00:08

I think they are separate issues. I think his son has as much place on a family holiday as your joint children. However, he should make sure that his DS behaves. Although sometimes, it is just that the child is at an age which you have not dealt with yourself yet.

I think it is very easy to think of an older child as being horribly cheeky etc, if you have only tiny children around. The truth is that back chat just increases as they get older - yours might well be like that at his age too!

colditz · 13/01/2007 00:08

Wrong if you expect your prtner to leave one of his children behind, though, sorry.

Lact8 · 13/01/2007 00:14

I wouldn't do it. I agree with Soapbox about being used to a different age group.

Your stepson would probably not admit it, but I think it would be really hurtful if you left him behind. It is something he would remember when he gets older and could be quite damaging to your relationship with him, making you the baddie and damaging to the relationship he has with his Dad, that he's not as important as the children you have together.

(My dad and stepmum did this to me and it still hurts 17 years later)

JanH · 13/01/2007 00:20

I can understand you wanting it, but it would be wrong to do it to him.

It's hard to tell from what you say whether your SS is exceptionally bad or just a regularly stroppy boy. Does he live with you, or does he just come on holiday with you? If it's holidays only I can understand his dad might indulge him a bit - if he lives with you then his dad should back you up in reasonable objections to bad behaviour.

Have you told his dad how much it bothers you? What would he do if you said you dislike it so much you just won't go on holiday with him any more?

Soapbox · 13/01/2007 00:21

If I'm being totally honest - if someone expected me to leave one of my DCs behind to go on holiday with another of my DCs, then I think I would be ending my relationship with them.

Both my DCs are important to my life - and I wouldn't be leaving anyone behind to go on holiday!

JanH · 13/01/2007 00:21

(With his dad I mean, not with the stepson)

hercules1 · 13/01/2007 00:23

I can understand why you feel that way but it would be wrong and as someone said potentially very damaging.

colditz · 13/01/2007 00:23

I bet he'd enjoy having his dad to himself though

Original poster

birty · 13/01/2007 10:38

I have never had a bond with my step son and I think it's due to my partners non consistant support. For example xmas eve we all went out and were having a nice time and my friend came to pick us up and my partner said take all the kids home while I have a drink with my mates. I asked all the kids to get in the car but step son just told me no I'm staying with dad in a not nice tone of voice. I asked him again and still he would not do it. I went to speak to my partner to sort him out and he told me oh don't worry he can stay. My point is that he spoke to me with no respect and would not do as he was told. I told my partner that the way he spoke to me was wrong and out of principle he should of told him to go. Instead he got his own way and has again got away with speaking to me disrespectfully. This happens alot and I have had lots of conversations with his Dad to support me but does it as and when he thinks it's justified. Due to this lack of support that day we had a big argument and it ruined xmas. I am so fed up with the whole situation and I am getting closer and closer to leaving to get away from it all. We have him at weekends and one night in the week. I also don't want my children to copy him. If he sopeaks to me like that and gets away with it then my kids are going to do the same.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 13/01/2007 10:52

Going without your partner so each of you get to have time with just your children is a good option.
Presumably the step son is a bit older than your children so he's probably just being like a normal boy that age (i.e. obnoxious).
Are the other children with your partner or an earlier relationship?

colditz · 13/01/2007 14:02

To be fair, if you have no bond with the child, he will pick up on that and he won't like you. I don't blame him for wnting to stay with his dad, you aren't his parent, and his dad is. Why would he want to leave his dad behind to spend time with an adult who doesn't like him, and is busy with her own children?

hercules1 · 13/01/2007 14:07

agree with colditz. I would have wanted to stay with my dad too.

Saturn74 · 13/01/2007 14:12

I think it is really sad that you're considering leaving your partner's son out of the plans for a family holiday.
Children can be annoying, but that's no reason to exclude them.
I think it would be very damaging to him to be left behind. How would you feel if someone treated one of your biological children this way?
You knew that your partner had a son when you got together, and you can't just pick and choose the bits of someone's life that you find easy.
The problem here seems to be that you and your partner have different parenting styles when it comes to discipline, and different expectations of how you want the children to behave.
Set a few basic ground rules that you both agree upon; put them into action, and explain to ALL the children what the consequences will be for breaking those rules.
This is something you and your partner need to discuss - and deal with - as adults.
It is not the child's fault.

suzycreamcheese · 13/01/2007 14:19

can understand why from your description but why does your dp not discpline him or show united front with you on day to day stuff?

i think the problem is with him to sort really..

flutterbee · 13/01/2007 14:31

You either have to take him on the holiday or you just go with your children.

As with all children there is good and bad, some children are naughty some are angels.

You are supposed to be the adult, OK you don't get the respect you think you deserve (the same with most parents I would think) and you don't get the back up from your partner you want (that is a problem between you two nothing to do with the child/ren)

You should not ever be thinking of ways to get away from that child or exclude that child because one day that child is going to be an adult and will remember the way you treated them and your obvious dislike towards them.

I'm a stepchild and have had both sides of the coin my stepdad is a wonderful man that I love as a Dad who has treated all the children the same, my stepmum although I love her I just don't like her. The way she treated me and my 3 brothers compared to her 1 daughter (and still does) disgusts me and I will never ever forget it.

What you do now will no doubt impact the future feelings the child has towards you all you need to decide is whether you care about that or not.

littlerach · 13/01/2007 14:42

I am obviously in a minority as we've never taken my stpchildren away with us.
Perhaps our circumstances are different to yours, as they live about 80 miles away and so contact is rather more limited.
They are also a but older now, but were 6 dn 7 bwhen we met.

They used to come and stay with us in the summer holidays for a week, but are much less inclined to do so now.

If DH wanted to take them away then that would be fine, so far hes never wanted this though. And I really don't think that they've ever wanted him to do so, or to go away with us.

KentuckyFreudChicken · 13/01/2007 15:00

Not in your situation but I think you are entitled to a holiday without your SS. Its perfectly natural to want to have a family holiday with just your family.

You do have a choice though -either go on holiday without SS or refuse to go on holiday with him unless of course your DH is suddenly going to start giving him consequences for disrespecting you. Seperate holidays is a big no no - why should your children miss out on a holiday with their dad because of SS's behaviour?

hercules1 · 13/01/2007 15:02

But kentucky her stepson is part of her family. You cant exclude a child because he's rude.

pointydog · 13/01/2007 15:10

It's your dp who should be sorting this out with you, not your stepson who should be punished.

JBW · 13/01/2007 15:43

I totally agree with Kentucky. I am in a similar situation to birty. SD has always come on holiday with me, DH and our DS but SD is very rude to me and totally ignores me, pretends I am not there. My DH does not show my any support whatsoever. We all went on holiday last year but I do not want SD to come with us again - it was awful.

Birty your children should not have to miss out on a holiday with their father.

hercules1 · 13/01/2007 15:45

Exactly, why should his children miss out on a holiday with their father?

expatinscotland · 13/01/2007 15:47

When your partner has other children, aren't they sort of a package deal?

That's how I always saw it, so I didn't get involved w/men who had children when I didn't, cuz it just wasn't for me.

Why not go w/just your kids?

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