Am I wrong in wanting to go on joliday with my kids and not my step son

[birty]

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years and we have always had the problem that my partner does not support me or back me up when me step son is cheeky, back chating, rude and general badly behaved. Every holiday has been ruined because of this and for once I would like a holiday with just my kids. Is this so wrong? sorry about the spelling

My step son is 11 and my two are 7 & 4 both boys. Yes my partner is the problem and I know it's not step sons fault. Step son knows he can get away with this behaviour because his dad doesn't do anything about it. I have had lots of conversations with the father about the problems and he says he will try and does for a little while and then slips again. There is no consistancy. We have him every week Tues evenings,weekends and and every holiday so far. He's never been left out. I find it very hard to warm to a child when they behave in that way and worst of all not having consequences for behaving in that way. How many conversations do you have about the same problem? I've nearly had enough. I know my partner loves me and that he wants us to be one big happy family but he just can't get to grips with sorted out his son. My step son behaves like this to his mother but what actually goes on over there I don't really know.

I sympathise, but my step-Mum used to exclude my sister because of her behaviour and it hurt both of us like hell. A family is a family, warts and all and imho unconditional acceptance (together with boundaries from Dad) might go a long way to resolving things in the long term. I know my view is an emotional one from a step-kids point of view, but these kind of things can really mess you up.

All I want is for myself and partner to be a team. I would be over the moon if all works out well and happy. Unfortunatley I can't do this on my own I need my partner to support me and then may be myself and my step son can build a relationship. I'm allowed to take him out buy him nice new clothes, reward him when he gets a good school report and all I want is his partners support when he is behaving badly. I have two other children and I think I have been lucky that they haven't copies too much. I come down on them like a ton of bricks if they are out of line.

Swift - I just dont get that.

Your DP has children & doesnt think its up to him to take them on holiday?????
Why not?

just cos they dont live with him?

thats is selfish & weird

if the BM wont let you then fair neough but to say its not upto you cos they dont live with you is unfair - these are children we're talking about

OP is different & quite agree that you need to take to task your DP & get him to support you & be firmer with his son

Birty, I hope you can get your DH to see sense over this and realise that he needs to back you up. IMO he mey still feel guilty about the effects of divorcing dss's mother and doesn't want dss to think badly of him so lets him get away with things.

How is he when it comes to dealing with your children? Does he back you up then? You have years of bringing up children in front of you and he needs to understand that you work together on it.

I think it was hatwoman who explained so well how it feels to be a stepchild, about being in a situation that you have no control over and watching your parents have other children is very difficult to deal with at that age.

I think he's 13? He's is probably having that attitude with everyone, not just you.At 13, I hated my stepmum. And my Dad. And my Mum. And her partner. ANd my brother. Just about everyone around me really. You must try to remember that you and DH are the grown ups in this situation, even if ss does seem so much older than your dc, he is still a child.

Birty I don't have stepchildren but do have a 7 year old and a 12 year old son, so a similar age gap.

The 12 year old can seem much more loud, rude, cheeky and full on than my younger son - he will backchat more just because of the age he is, the thought processes, the vocabulary etc. And hormones are probably not helping.

I often avoid taking them out as a duo. I have day trips with one or the other only. Together they wind each other up, argue and vie for my attention. The younger one often comes off worse just because of the age gap. When I have them apart, they are so much nicer!

If I was taking them both on holiday, I would plan one where the 12 year old can go off alone to separate activities - he gets quite frustrated having to socialise for long periods with his 7 year old brother and do things on his level. And for your SS it is even more of a issue as you have a 4 year old as well. Or I would plan to send my youngest to a kids club to give my oldest some time alone with us.

So leaving aside your role and responsibilities as a stepmother, I think you need to find a holiday with opportunities for your stepson to do his own thing - teenage clubs, sailing lessons, football lessons etc. This will give you time alone with your younger sons as well.

But the first thing I'd do is sit your ss down with some holiday brochures, just you and him - have some one to one time - perhaps take him out for a pizza or something. Ask him what sort of holiday he would like with you, suggest ones with activites he can do and see what he says. You could include your dh in this as well, but if you do this alone, it might be better as he will feel you are not doing this under pressure from his dad.

I think that is a really useful post from tigermoth, finishing off with great suggestions for a way forward.

I'm also not entirely sure why you shouldn't be disciplining your SS. If he is 11 and your eldest DC is 7, then presumably you have been with his father since he was a small child. Also if he is with you every weekend and Tuesday evening then that is pretty much shared residency. In fact, given school during the week, he probably spends more time at your house than at his mother's.

littlerach - It strikes me as very sad that your DH has never wanted to go on holiday with his children.

Bozza, I'm also curious about how you disciplne your SS. Do you have house rules he has to follow? If he breaks them, presumably you can discipline him direct, without waiting for your dh to do so?

As I haven't got step children, I have no experience of the dynamics between you all, but once you have a step child living with you (even if part time) doesn't that mean you have more say about discipline in your home?

Tell him that you don't want to take him unless his behaviour improves, and stick to that decision. It then becomes a reward that he needs to work towards, rather than a yearly expectation. If he then doesn't get to join the family on holiday, he only has himself to blame.

Tigermoth and Bozza have mentioned about disciplining a step child. It is very, very difficult. My DH has asked me not to ask my SD to do anything or tell her off. This is because when I used to do this she would then go back to her mother and then said mother would start sending nasty text messages to my DH threatening to withdraw contact if I disciplined SD or asked her to do anything.

Matters now so bad that there is hardly any communication between myself and SD. SD largely ignores me anyway.

As others have mentioned a lot of the 'blame' lies with DP/DH and not the children but it is so difficult and makes you wonder if it is really worth all the hassle.

tigermoth did you mean me or did you mean birty? I don't have stepchildren but was putting forward the point that if the child has been in birty's house for pretty much 50% of the time since he was 4 or so then I would expect her to need to discipline him at some point. He is obviously left her in sole care as the incident of her DH telling her to take the children home while he stayed at the pub illustrates.

kiwinat it hardly seems fair that one child has to earn the right to a holiday when the others will be taken automatically.

I don't think the holiday is the main issue here.

I think it is the fact that birty feels her partner doesn't support her when she is dealing with his son, her SS. If birty is expected to include the child as part of her family, as you do if step familiies - you know the score when you take them on - then birty does need to have some element of "parental responsibility" towards the child, and to be able to dish out rewards AND sac=nctions where she feels appropriate, with the support and back up from her partner. And the partner needs to treat ALL his children the same. Would he allow one of birty's children to treat her in the same way? IF not, why? Why would this be different to the SS?

I think if the latter problem can be sorted out, the holiday wouldn't be an issue.

Bozza, I meant birty and agree with you. If the child is living in birty's home for 50% of the time, and at times she has sole care of the children, then she has to be able to discipline them IMO. I mean, purely from a health and safety point of view if nothing else.

Also agree with you that it's not fair if one child has to earn the right to a holiday while the others take it automatically.

I think the age gap makes things more complicated from a discipline and reward point of view. What you do and say to an 11 year old - and what behaviour you expect from them - will be different to what you expect of a 7 and 4 year old.

I wonder how much birty is free to independently reward her ss? I'd have thought it's no good being the disciplinarian if the all rewards are seen to be coming from her dh.

JBW, that must be such an incredibly hard position to be in. It basically denies your SD from having a real relationship with you and visa versa.

Do you draw up house rules with your dh and SD to anticipate any problems, so your SD is at least aware of what behaviour you expect when she is with you?

There are no house rules that SD has to abide to. She seems to just 'walk all over' her father. If she is told to go to bed by my DH she usually says no and DH just lets her get away with it rather than telling her it is time for bed. She goes to bed really late, usually I end up going before her.

There is just no way I could sit down with DH and try to work out some house rules with him. It would just end up in a huge row. I have really given up trying now.

Makes me so sad all this.

I really sympathise. I cannot imagine how I could live with my two sons if I couldn't discpline them ever. Anarchy would rein and the long term effects on their characters would not be nice, I am sure.

I honestly don't know how you can cope with the situation you describe