Am I wrong in wanting to go on joliday with my kids and not my step son

[birty]

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years and we have always had the problem that my partner does not support me or back me up when me step son is cheeky, back chating, rude and general badly behaved. Every holiday has been ruined because of this and for once I would like a holiday with just my kids. Is this so wrong? sorry about the spelling

I can completely understand why you would feel that way but sometimes you have to do what is right. Would a holiday without his child be worth the suffering it could cause to the future relationship between your dh and son.

Could perhaps stepson go away on a long weekend with his father, birty and the other children.

Really need to sort things out with DH otherwise things just escalate.

My situation is dreadful and I have got to the point where I do not think it is worth all the hassle anymore. Only thing stopping me from walking away is our DS.

Life is so crap sometimes.

I agree, it would be wrong to exclude him from a family holiday. And I think it would make the situation worse for your step-son, knowing that he's been left behind will probably make him behave even more badly towards you.

You said "My point is that he spoke to me with no respect and would not do as he was told."

Acutally I think the point is your husband undermined you. If you had agreed between you that that was the time for all the children to leave, they should all have left and your husband should have backed you up.

What you've also got is 2 children doing as they're asked and one not, and getting away with it.

Do you think you could take a step back from disciplining him and let your dh do it all? Then you won't be put in the position of being undermined or being the bad guy all the time and that might help your relationship with your step-son. You said you didn't bond with him because of your husband's inconsistent support, so it's not the boy as much as the situation round him.

It must be really hard for you though.

But SS is not part of Birty's immediate family and as such she should be entitled to some time with her immediate family. There are obviously lots of occasions when her DH has time with his immediate family as well.

SS doesn't even live with them so its not like he's gonna be home alone with no food while family go to Disney World for a fortnight.

Step-parents get a raw deal in this society - expected to treat and love step children as their own but not allowed to discipline, parent or infringe on relationship with birth parents. Just because you love a man doesn't mean you have to love everything about them and that includes their children. I don't love my MIL the way I love my mother and I don't treat them the same way either. Doesn't mean there's no room for a special relationship with my MIL though. Same could be said for children from previous relationships.

Birty is entirely within her rights to want to exclude a rude disrespectful individual from a special occasion. If SS and her DH don't like it then they should take a look at their behaviour that contributed to Birty feeling the way she does.

Sorry but i think it is wrong to exclude your ss. I have a ss who was 7 when i got together with his father and i went into the relationship knowing that they were a package. We have ss every weekend extra at long weekends and several weeks in the school holidays. DP is and has always been a very hands on dad. We went through some very rough patches actually ss and i still clash at times now (he is 13 I blame hormones his and mine ) But all our holidays have been family oriented and ss incuded in them even though it came as a bit of a shock to me at first as i was childless myself for the first 3 years of our relationship.
But one thing I have always had is a supportive partner I think this is your problem birty not your ss. You need to really talk things through with your partner and try to get a united front going.
When we had our ds 2.6 years ago this in fact helped me to bond with ss and even his mum more as now he is not only dp's son and my ss but our ds' brother and as we do not intend on having anymore children their bond is important and precious to us.
I had this argument with my mother recently as i approached her about how sht she treats my ss and her answer was that he is not our side of the familys immediate family. Sorry that is bllocks he is and will always be a part of this family and deserves to be treated as such.
Sorry turned into a bit of a rant there
Anyway i suppose my point is that until you show your stepson that you feel he is just as integral part of the family as your own children then im afraid he will pick up on it and act accordingly.

sorry I too think it's wrong - though understandable. think about you as a child. imagine, through no fault of your own, your parents divorced. your dad left the family home. your dad started a relationship with someone else. he then had more children (or the someone else already had children with whom your dad now lives). Your dad's partner and his new children/step children have him all the time. they live with him. they see him every day. sometimes you all go on holiday together. you like this but you are jealous of the partner and new children. you're a child and none of this is your doing. one day your dad says "sorry, but this year you're not coming on holiday with us".

I know none of this is your fault either Birty. And I'm sure he is rude and disrespectful. But he is very liley hurting. My father leaving hurts me. still. and it was more than 20 years ago. you need to talk to your dp and get him onside re the behaviour. but excluding him from holidays is very likely to be extremely counter-productive.

It's sad all round but as adults we make these situations and we have to do the best by all the blameless kids around us.

I disagree about immediate family. My half brothers and sisters are just like real full ones to me and to say they werent immediate family is ludicrous. This step son is your own child's brother and your dh's child hence making him part of your immediate family.

I agree it is wrong

I have two step siblings and we always all went on holiday together (actually my Mum, Dad and Stepfather all came too!)

btw - I don't think it's wrong to think it or want it, but that it would be to do it.

I think it's a little odd of Kentucky to say that a stepchild is not part of the immediate family. Of course he is part of the immediate family.

If I were with someone who proposed leaving one of my children behind because he was rude and cheeky, I would leave. I feel sorry for the stepson, that "spare part" feeling is awful. No wonder he's disrespectful - there's nothing to respect.

Dsd does not come on holiday with us, but she is 19 and prefers to go on holiday with her friends.

I understand how you feel btw.

I think thats making too many assumptions saying there's nothing to respect!

I wouldn't consider a step-child part of MY immediate family...that would be my husband and our children. The husband would include his wife and his children as part of his immeditae family. The stepchild would consider birth parents and siblings as part of their immediate family.

But you dont have to give birth to a child to have them as part of your immediate family. What if the step son moved in with you, would you then consider him part of the immediate family or what else would he be? No wonder kids often grow up so screwed.

im not surprised your ss is a bit disrespectful if he picks up that it seems you dont really seem to like him.Your ss is a part of the family and so should be included in the holiday.When he is older it is things like that he will remember and look back on his chilhood with some happiness,Maybe he is just an unhappy boy.We dont know the circumstances of his parents split,but maybe that is part of his attitude problem.

But he does live with them at weekends an 1 night a week. That is a lot of time!

I think it is wrong. I also think if you have a problem it is with your partner more than the son who is still a child I assume.

It would be absolutely AWFUL to be left out of a family holiday and as your husband's child and HALF-BROTHER to your children OF COURSE he is part of the immediate family.

IN MY OPINION.

He does sound very troublesome but I hate this idea of stepchildren being left out. If this ever happened to my dd in the future I'd be horrified.

Take him, or get your husband to take him.

There is little on earth as vulnerable within the whole of humanity in my view than teenage boys...assuming he is one. They test but want acceptance. I would try to give him 5 bits of praise for every bit of criticism and show him however bad he is you will still spend time with him. it's a very hard time of life (assuming he's 13 - 16 but I may be completely wrong)

Whilst i am sure you are finding the situation difficult your venom should be directed at your partner not his son.

If he is feeling tension from you he will of course get a little defensive and possibly appear rude. why should he make an effort if you don't.

His behaviour is pretty much normal for a teenager being lumped in with a stepmum who doesn't want him around. he probably feels angry that you have taken his father away and that he now has a new family that he is patently not a part of.

You need to make an effort to allow him into your life. letting him into your house and cooking his meals or whatever is not the same as letting him into your family. atthe end of the day he was in your partners life a long time before you were....if you cannot accept that then you shouldn't have become involved with someone who had children.

You also need to make it quite clear to yoru partner that his lack of support is making the gap between you and your SS even bigger. he feels an annoyance from you and every time he "gets one over" on you that gap widens.
He needs to show his son that you are part of his life and that he needs to show you respect in order for him to recieve respect.

But yes you are wrong to want a holiday without your SS. he is your partners child just as much as your own children and i am quite sure that if he knew this was what you really wanted it would ruin your relationship forever.

Hi birty, lots of different views on here! You have my sympathies being a step mum is so hard! In your case I agree that your partner needs to be supporting you more. Why were you taking all the kids home while he stayed out anyway? You need to have a big talk with him and tell him how you feel.

Your ss spends a lot of time in your home so his behaviour is a big issue but I would advise an approach I have recently taken on - smile, ignore, smile, ignore (the behaviour that is not the child!)Your partner should be disciplining him he is his son!

If he is allowed to carry on this behaviour his half siblings will begin to resent him, you will resent your partner and when he is grown up he will not respect his father as much as he would if he was actively parenting, praising and disciplining him.

Sorry Boirty must have missed it - but what age is dss? and how old are your children?

Birty not Boirty!! whoops

I think the problem is with your partner, not your step-son. You need to sort out some ground rules for behaviour that you can both agree on. Or, depending on your ss's age, get him involved too - draw up a family contract that everyone, including kids, agrees to. Pin up the rules on the wall so you can remind everyone when they fall out/throw a strop.

Gosh, yes dsd is definitely part of the immediately family. It feels odd to me to consider her anything else.

Does your step-son go on holiday with his mum? Could you have a break at the same time with your boys?

Very interesting views on here.

Dh has 2dc, we have one dd together and 1 on the way. Dsc stay every other weekend.

In the 4 years that we have had regular contact with the children, we have taken them away on holiday twice. We have been away without them once.

We actually spent alot of the time on our holiday without them saying how much they would have loved it and felt quite guilty, but , it was really really nice just to spend some time just the three of us, as awful as that may sound.

It really is a difficult situation isnt it? I think if bm took them away, we wouldnt feel so bad but she never does.

My opinion is , and maybe this wont go down well, is that it is not up to us to take them away. They do not live with us ( unfortunately) and we pay for their needs to be taken care of. So unless we can have them permanently , then we are not obliged to take them on holiday.

HAving said that , we do take them, because we WANT to share it with them. But, I know that in a few years , when our unborn child is 3 or 4 , we will want a holiday abroad, what I call a proper holiday , you know , 2 weeks somewhere hot in a villa.... and we will not be able to afford to take all of us, especially as two dsc will be classed as adults. Will I feel bad about going ...YES. BAd enough not to go ... NO.

I know its really hard Birty. I do sympathise.

My dh and I have never taken his ds away on a holiday abroad with us. That will probably change after our lo (my 1st) arrives in August.
The think is, dss's dm always takes him away abroad every year, and she takes up the 10 days that we can take him out of school, leaving us with the school holidasy which, frankly are way too expensive. We have taken him on weekends away, mainly to Blackpool, which he loves and we're also planning for my ils to take him to their caravan during the school holidays.
I think that if you generally include dsc on holiday then it's unfair to leave them out, but if you don't because they have a big holiday with their dm, then I don't think you should be obliged to.
To be honest in our case, why we don't really want to take him away is that dss is very clingy with his dm (he's nearly 6). When he comes up to see us every other weekend, although he tells us he has a good time, he is literally counting the minutes he can go home. And there have been occasions when we've had to take him early because he has thrown mega tantrums. Hopefully he'll be passing through this stage soon and we'll feel a bit more confident about taking him away for longer spells.
I would aslo like to mention that dh and I are planning a holiday to Spain after lo is born which we will not be taking dss. The reason is because the trip is to see my dad and show him his first grandchild. We will be traipsing around various Spanish relatives, most of whom don't speak English, so frankly dss will be bored.

i can sympathise ... both from having been a rude, cheeky, back chatting step-child myself and in thinking about how my poor step-parent had to deal with me
...but yes it's wrong
Your problem is with your partner...not the child i reckon....he's just a kid
Try and lay down some rules with your partner maybe?
sorry ...not much help