Please help me not to care

[Zayna99]

I don't know where to post this.

Been with my DP for two and a half years. He has a 9 year old DD who has only met me once. His ex 'doesn't want another woman in DDs life' therefore I'm barred from any more contact. Both DP and his ex pretend I don't exist.

He visits DD once a month or so, they live hundreds of miles away so visiting is usually for 3-5 days.

Sometimes, the ex brings DD halfway and they stay in a travelodge or whatever.

This is what hurts me. I know 100% that there is nothing between dp and his ex - if anything he despises her, but it drives me insane, thinking of his ex calling all the shots, thinking about them playing happy families, I am convinced the DD thinks they are going to get back together as they haven't told her otherwise...

They always have separate rooms, but another visit is looming and this is the time I start getting anxious, jealous and hurt. Please help me not to care, I wish I could just let him go off and not think about it.

A book is a brilliant idea. Unfortunately, he takes not one jot of notice of me because I HAVE NOT HAD CHILDREN, therefore I cannot possibly know what I am on about. This in itself pees me off. Just because I have not given birth doesn't mean I wouldn't have been a great parent.

And what I'm also scared of - from reading a post further down - is that the longer they continue to shield DD from the fact that her daddy and I live together and are partners, well she's just going to hate my guts when she finds out I'm not just one of dad's friends, isn't she?

zayna99 - fwiw I posted that as a child, not a parent. and I would have posted exactly the same thing before I had kids. my parents divorced and whilst they didn;'t handle it quite as badly there was stuff they could have done a whole lot better. You don't need to be a parent to see this from a child's point of view. In fact you are quite likely to be able to see it better from the child's pov. yes parents know their own children better than anyone else, but they also have their own - sometimes selfish even if love-fuelled - agendas. Don't give up on resolving this. xxx

I feel so sorry for you...what will happen if you decide to have a child of your own...will this be kept secret too? Hope you manage to get it all sorted out.x

i know how you feel. I dated my ex for a year and I was kept a 'secret' from his children. When his ex found out about us all of a sudden, kids were dumped on him all the time at very short notice. She was always controlling in their marriage, and she has used the kids as a weapon against him.

He's not happy now and isnt with anyone else now-but he allows his ex to control his life as he is terrified of not seeing the kids. His kids arent happy as they have had to go to counselling

until he stands up to her, the situation wont change. in meantime kids arent seeing their dad happy and think this behaviour is normal!

why are women such cows!! and hoe does it affect kids

Well there's been a development. DD is being allowed to visit at Easter, but mother has said she doesn't want DD returning home full of 'Zayna this' and 'Zayna that', and actually, DD doesn't like Zayna at all.

DP thinks that mother is busy poisoning the child's mind against me.

How horrid is that? I feel so hurt.

I'm sorry Zayna but your DP needs to have serious look at himself and the situation he has put himself (and you) into. By allowing this woman to dictate to him re his daughter he has let her think that basically she can say what she like and do what she likes and you both just have to lump it. The woman obviously thinks 'well if i can't have him anymore i'll make sure its so hard for any other woman to have him that they just give up'

Talk to DP and explain that the situation cannot possibly go on as is. Its ridiculous to think the his DD hasn't already worked out that you are more than just a friend and it is insulting to the child's intelligence. His ex sounds like a nasty piece of work (who will in all probability get hers in the end)

TT

I know what you're saying. However, DP just wants me to let it lie. He says that his ex is digging her own grave and one day she'll be really sorry. He does not want to be the one to upset his DD, he tries to be a good dad so his DD will have lots of happy memories of him...

I am new to this (first time on and first message) so bear with me! I just had to let you know that you are not the only one. My DH (hope that means husband!)has a DS (son?)from his first marriage and although his x is married again and has another child she still does everything she can to make our lives a misery!

Hi - Just wanted to add that you have my sympathies. I do agree with the others that there is nto much that can be done until your dp is prepared to stand up to his ex and explain that you are a major part of his life and it's time that dd was made aware of that.

My dh's ex is as equally unreasonable and controlling as you dp's sounds. I had to hide in the shadows basically for many months when we got together, but when we moved in together dh told ex the situation.

I assume that dp is worried about losing contact with dd, as it is this fear that makes other wise mature grown men allow themselves to be completely dictated to by their ex's. Is he genuinely worried that if he stands up to her and tells her all about you that she'll say that he can't see dd?

I understand your situation completely, it is extremely frustrating and very difficult not to care. I wish you luck.