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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Please help me not to care

60 replies

Zayna99 · 10/01/2007 15:01

I don't know where to post this.

Been with my DP for two and a half years. He has a 9 year old DD who has only met me once. His ex 'doesn't want another woman in DDs life' therefore I'm barred from any more contact. Both DP and his ex pretend I don't exist.

He visits DD once a month or so, they live hundreds of miles away so visiting is usually for 3-5 days.

Sometimes, the ex brings DD halfway and they stay in a travelodge or whatever.

This is what hurts me. I know 100% that there is nothing between dp and his ex - if anything he despises her, but it drives me insane, thinking of his ex calling all the shots, thinking about them playing happy families, I am convinced the DD thinks they are going to get back together as they haven't told her otherwise...

They always have separate rooms, but another visit is looming and this is the time I start getting anxious, jealous and hurt. Please help me not to care, I wish I could just let him go off and not think about it.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 10/01/2007 15:08

I'm not surprised this is a strain. I think it's very wrong for your dp's dd to be barred from any contact with her father's partner. It's untenable IMO - your dp really should be insisting that his time with his dd be on his own terms, unless there is a very good reason why not.

No advice from me really, but sympathy.

Greensleeves · 10/01/2007 15:13

...and this situation is very unfair on his dd as well. She needs to be allowed to settle into the reality of her parents' separate lives. She needs to know that her father has a new partner and that she has a place in his home and in his life, not this weird half-way point which must feel very unstable to her. Her mother is being a bit selfish IMO.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 10/01/2007 15:13

He won't put his foot down, he says ex will be difficult and courts wouldn't be on his side because he's the one that left.. he's talking out of his backside but I can't make him see different or get him to see a lawyer.

I also suspect that he daren't tell his DD that he's seeing me as a proper girlfriend in case he 'breaks her heart' - his words. He thinks that ex will turn DD against him.

I can't get through to him how hurtful it all is. He thinks that because his parents and his family here adore me, it's enough. They all have to keep me secret from his DD. Ex knows about me and hates my guts. It's so stressful for me, I hate feeling like this, I wish I could just ignore what goes on.

OP posts:

NappiesGalore · 10/01/2007 15:25

blimey. this is all v stressful and hurtful, no wonder youre feeling so up in the air about it... dont really know what to advise since, as you say, the power does actually lie in the hands of the ex and your dp... i think they both need to seriously rethink their approach to this tbh... cant imagine what on earth is going on in ther heads!!

and his refusing to see logic about the real level of power she has... doesnt quite add up. was she this controlling when they were together?

Original poster

Zayna99 · 10/01/2007 15:28

yes, she has always controlled him. Actually got herself pregnant without consulting him and didn't tell him till it was too late. They weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. He only stood by her because he realised it was half his fault she was pregnant. He's always hated her for it and I guess feels guilty towards DD.

OP posts:

NappiesGalore · 10/01/2007 15:32

bloody odd.

my dps ex has some pretty, um, questionable attitudes and approaches in life too... cant get my head round it or understand it at all.

wish i had something more constructive to say tho!

Original poster

Zayna99 · 10/01/2007 15:40

Well thanks for replying. It helps just to write it down.

I personally think that DP and ex are heading for a world of shit. DD is one day going to find out that her daddy and I have been living together since she was 6.

I don't know WHAT they are telling her. I dread to think, to be honest.

OP posts:

NappiesGalore · 10/01/2007 17:20

it does seem like madness... i mean, how long do they plan to keep this up?

no wonder you feel uneasy about it... i certainly would.

Mumpbump · 10/01/2007 17:26

I remember your previous thread - did you ever give him the letter about how you felt? Sorry to hear that things haven't changed. If I were you, I would look for someone else, tbh. I am all for parents prioritising their children, but not to the extent that a new partner becomes excluded. It's a tricky balancing act for a divorce/e with children (like my dh) and it sounds like your dp is not prepared to even try...

Surfermum · 10/01/2007 17:33

Gosh, what a difficult situation for you. I could understand this if they'd not long split up but even then I'd want to have a plan for slowly introducing me. But 3 years??? I can understand why he is reluctant to piss her mother off, as having contact stopped is heartbreaking and going to Court is stressful. But this is just not normal.

What do he think will happen in the future? Does he see her meeting you at any stage? Or coming to stay with him at home?

fizzbuzz · 10/01/2007 17:53

Big sympathy, how awful. When does she intend to alloww dd into your life? When she's 18?

By doing this your bf is colluding with his ex by pretending you don't exist. There is no way the courts would stop him seeing his dd, even if he was the one who walked out. If he has actively been in contact with dd they will take this into consideration as well.

When ex left me, I played some control games with him (but never to that extent I must add!) for 5 years. That was how long it took me to get over it properly, but now 11 years later, don't care about him at all. Three years is not that long a time to get over it, especially if it wasn't her choice, I suspect it will change in time.

Dd will soon be old enough to voice her own opinions, and everything may change then.

However, that doesn't change the here and now, and I think your bf, needs to take a stand.

NappiesGalore · 10/01/2007 18:21

i think acting like overgrown children is setting an appaling example you children... but thats me. and she is bound to find out about all these shenanigans at some ponit... no doubt i'll be less black and white about it if im ever actually in the situation myself...

anyway, do you think either of them might entertain the notion of reading something like this as a step towards finding a more realistic approach to handling their DD and the divorce? doubt it, but you never know...

NappiesGalore · 10/01/2007 18:22

sorry - 'example to children'

ginnedupmummy · 10/01/2007 18:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 10:07

Wow, thanks for such understanding replies. If I can just answer a couple of questions... no, my DP didn't leave his ex for me, he stayed with her as long as he could (separate bedrooms) trying to do the best by his DD but in the end their arguing and fighting was upsetting DD, so he had to leave. We got together about 6 months later, but I have known him (and his ex) for about 10 years.

DD came down to stay with him last April, he stayed at his mothers house with her and we met up briefly and took DD out, but though his ex had agreed to it, she freaked out and has barred DD from visiting ever again. However, there is talk of another visit this April, and I guess the same thing will happen. He introduces me as his friend, and tells DD he has lots of 'girl' friends.

There is no way she will even step over the threshold of our house, let alone be allowed to stay. He will stay at grandparents with her, as if he lives there.

And the letter I wrote to him? Well I didn't physically give it to him but we discussed it and I managed to get my point across. Trouble is, time has passed and he'll have forgotten all about it, or else he's just hoping that I'VE forgotten all about it...

OP posts:

Caligula · 11/01/2007 10:16

I don't know how old you are but frankly if I were you I'd get out of this relationship.

He sounds extraordinarily weak. I can understand that he doesn't want to go to court etc., but I just don't know how he can expect you to put up with this. It's intolerable. As someone else said, of course it takes time to introduce someone new to the kids, of course you don't want to rush things, but almost 3 years? That sounds like you're a reasonably stable part of his life now and introductions are totally in order.

And what happens if/ when you want to have a child with him (if you don't already have one)? Is he going to hide his baby too?

This is mad. And totally unsustainable, imo.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 10:36

Caligula, if I were younger, I'd be off like a shot. I'm 46, he's 49. There won't be any more babies...

The BIG problem is that we both love each other so much, it's hard to think about splitting up because though it is stressful, I hang on to the thought that in a few years, the DD will be old enough to travel on her own and to make her own decisions...

OP posts:

evilsparklystepmom · 11/01/2007 10:42

zayna, i'm so sorry to read this. would you like to get to know your dp's dd? maybe you could explain this to your dp?

it does seem a very very unrealistic approach for your dp to take, especaiily if you are in a serious, stable relationship and have been for some time.

x's the world over are a nasty breed you're not on your own

Caligula · 11/01/2007 10:43

hmm. Yes I suppose in about 4 years, she'll have a say in her own transport and contact arrangements.

The problem is though, that if she hasn't got used to the idea of you as being an important part of her DF's life, she may well react against the realisation that you are and may boycott her Dad for another few years out of outrage and disappointment. So the very thing he fears would come about due to his own failure to stand up to his ex. Have you put that argument to him?

Caligula · 11/01/2007 10:45

Please don't come out with unpleasant statements like that, evilsparklystepmom, there are lots of ex's on this board.

It's like saying that everyone knows all stepmothers are wicked. Offensive and unhelpful.

evilsparklystepmom · 11/01/2007 10:50

no sorry caligula didn't mean it like that at all! just meant to say to zayna that she is not the only one to have a dp with a nasty ex.

really sorry if offence caused. not meant at all.

Caligula · 11/01/2007 10:53

OK evil, I just instantly reacted to being described as part of a nasty breed. (Although I am, as it happens, you should meet my relatives. ) Appreciate you were describing your own situation, not a general insult across the board.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 10:56

Yes Caligula, I've said he could be doing more harm than good. But he thinks he's 'protecting' her.

And I can't agree that all ex's are wicked, I've been in a position before in a previous relationship where the ex has communicated with me in a civil fashion and has had no problem with me being with her children.

I don't want to be his child's second mother. I would love her to be in our lives, not so I could pretend she was mine, but to make things normal, make things easier for DP, stop the lies to this poor child, make myself feel less like the other woman, and even give her mother a break, and yes, I do feel for her being a single parent or lone parent or whatever she calls herself. And maybe I'm being presumptious, maybe she doesn't need a break, I'm just thinking of how I would feel...

OP posts:

SSShakeTheChi · 11/01/2007 10:59

Zayna, doesn't sound good being shunted away and everyone pretending you don't exist.

Why does the ex hate your guts? You say you've known her for 10 years. Were you friends before?

Caligula · 11/01/2007 11:00

What does he think he's protecting her from?

The knowledge that adults can move on from a failed relationship and build new, loving, respectful ones? That they're not doomed to failure? That they can balance their own needs and the needs of their children, even if they sometimes get it wrong?

This is very sad.

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