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Original poster

Please help me not to care

60 replies

Zayna99 · 10/01/2007 15:01

I don't know where to post this.

Been with my DP for two and a half years. He has a 9 year old DD who has only met me once. His ex 'doesn't want another woman in DDs life' therefore I'm barred from any more contact. Both DP and his ex pretend I don't exist.

He visits DD once a month or so, they live hundreds of miles away so visiting is usually for 3-5 days.

Sometimes, the ex brings DD halfway and they stay in a travelodge or whatever.

This is what hurts me. I know 100% that there is nothing between dp and his ex - if anything he despises her, but it drives me insane, thinking of his ex calling all the shots, thinking about them playing happy families, I am convinced the DD thinks they are going to get back together as they haven't told her otherwise...

They always have separate rooms, but another visit is looming and this is the time I start getting anxious, jealous and hurt. Please help me not to care, I wish I could just let him go off and not think about it.

OP posts:
SSShakeTheChi · 11/01/2007 11:07

I don't think the dd has been told the relationship is over though, has she? She's been told Daddy has to work in a different town or Mummy does or whatever that's why we don't have the same house anymore, if you ask me.

Caligula · 11/01/2007 11:12

Oh my word.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 11:16

SSShakethechi, I think you're right. I think that when she cries and says she doesn't want him to go, he'll say 'but you know daddy has to work...' Or maybe not. He doesn't tell me.
Caligula, DP had a really really happy childhood, they were like the bloody Waltons, his family, and he wants his DD to have the same happiness. It's sad, he really is trying his best but to me - and to folk on here - he's not doing it right and will make things worse in the longrun.

He is also scared of his ex and pussyfoots around her to keep her stable.

I can cope with being kept in the background, to some extent. What I can't stand is when they all have a family weekend away. It looks like they're still together and though he insists he doesn't intend that, he just wants to see his DD, that's what it looks like to me.

OP posts:
evilsparklystepmom · 11/01/2007 11:16

zayna you are very understanding. i hope that this works out for you. really didn't mean to cause offence and generalise with my comment about exes.

SSShakeTheChi · 11/01/2007 11:22

Zayna (((big hug))) It IS weird, if that is any reassurance to you. I can understand the ex to some extent and also dh to some extent but in trying not to hurt dd, they are hurting you, aren't they? It isn't necessary and shouldn't be happening. Certainly it shouldn't be a fixture of your life.

Don't see a clear way forward here but wonder how this is going to pan out if you and dh have a child together?

What would you like to happen?

Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 11:26

What would I like to happen?

I would like to meet up with his ex, have a glass of wine, go away with them for the weekend and go shopping with his ex while DP takes DD out somewhere and has his special time with her, I'd like it if ex let DD come and stay with us...

Just a normal life. With everybody being normal.

Incidentally, when I did meet DD, she was perfectly normal. We chatted like two normal people. She was funny, interesting, she talked to me in a very lovely way, wasn't shy or arsey, asked me things, told me things... it's a crying shame that her parents are treating her like a baby.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 11/01/2007 12:58

I still haven't met dh's ex after almost 4.5 years together. Her choice (and one that makes things more difficult), but not a dealbreaker. But I do think that if you two are planning a future together, you have to be part of his dd's life. If I were you, I'd not worry too much about meeting the ex and focus on trying to bring him around re: you two and his dd doing stuff together.

anniemac · 11/01/2007 13:16

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Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 13:25

We used to be pals, his ex and I. Not close, but it's a shame that she has to hold me in such contempt when her relationship with DP was over years and years ago.

OP posts:
Caligula · 11/01/2007 13:33

People just aren't rational about stuff like that Zayna, there's no help for it.

fizzbuzz · 11/01/2007 13:37

I have no desire to meet dp's ex, or ex's gf.
It never even comes up.....

anniemac · 11/01/2007 13:45

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Surfermum · 11/01/2007 13:46

Yes, I agree, concentrate on getting to meet his dd and having her coming to stay.

I really don't know what to suggest though, your dh needs a great big kick up the jacksee.

Remind me again how old his dd is. Because if push came to shove and contact was refused by her mother, I reckon he'd have no trouble getting a Contact Order, especially if his dd is old enough to give her opinion. If she cries when they say goodbye, she's obviously keen on contact with her Dad.

Do you feel you could give him an ultimatum and carry it through? I'm afraid I wouldn't be sticking around and putting up with this. Sorry.

Surfermum · 11/01/2007 13:48

Agree too about meeting dsd's mum. I've always thought it bizarre that she didn't want to know anything about me when I came on the scene.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 13:48

It would just make things easier. If I went with him on his visits, I could share the driving.. it's hundreds of miles. It would mean that I would get to see his DD too - which is what everyone is saying should be happening. She's too young to travel on her own so her mother would have to come, and rather than us drawing daggers, it would be more civilised if we could share a bottle of wine.
I know this is not going to happen, but someone asked me what I wish would happen, and this is it.
What is destroying me is not that I'm not involved in his DDs life, more that DDs mother arranges weekends away for the three of them as if she's still in a relationship with him.

OP posts:
anniemac · 11/01/2007 13:51

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Caligula · 11/01/2007 13:56

Zayna I think that would be the big issue for me.

The involvment in his DD's life is secondary imo - it's the fact that he's still playing happy families as if they're together, excluding you.

Just unbelievable.

Surfermum · 11/01/2007 13:56

When you say she freaked out after you met your dsd last April, what happened? She's entitled to express her displeasure about it but I don't understand how she can put her foot down about it. That child has 2 parents. Would she put up with your dp dictacting to her who their dd could and couldn't see and where? I doubt it.

anniemac · 11/01/2007 14:01

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Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 14:05

She agreed we could meet up and take DD out for a couple of hours, but then she phoned up while we were in the car on the way home and spoke to DD... DD said innocently 'Yes, Zayna's here, we're just going for tea' and she flipped. Screamed and shouted down the phone to DP, effing and blinding, saying it all sounds very cosy, and since then DD has not even been allowed to hear the mention of my name.

If I had done something wrong, I could understand it. If I had stolen him off his ex, for example. But I conducted myself properly around his DD, didn't even hold her dads hand or say anything she could have picked up on.

And I could also understand it if we'd only been together a few months... even a year. But going on three years, well I'm getting more and more upset as time goes on. As if our relationship is not real, and what goes on with his ex and his DD is the real life.

OP posts:
anniemac · 11/01/2007 14:15

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Surfermum · 11/01/2007 14:24

I MUST go, I'm at work, but will post again later.

Original poster
Zayna99 · 11/01/2007 15:21

Thanks all. To be honest, I don't think there is any advice anyone can give. Whatever I say to him, he always knows best... it's a sad situation for all of us.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 11/01/2007 21:31

Yes, I think the answer really does lie with him and him needing to stand up to her. I can understand how upsetting this is for you.

hatwoman · 11/01/2007 21:48

poor you and poor DP's DD. especially the shouting down the phone incident. that sort of behaviour is really unforgiveable. that poor little girl will feel torn and guilty and utterly bemused. and you are on the edge of it all. sorry I haven't got advice but just wanted to express my sympathy for you and my shock that adults can behave like this. I guess my only advice is that you need to find some good literature on divorce and how it effects children. any half-way decent book would show how utterly negative this ludicrous situation is for his dd. have a browse in a book shop and buy him one. if he has his dd's interests at heart he must at least see that it's worth reading (even if he's cross with you) and if he reads it might start him thinking...