I knew this would happen!

[balia]

DH has gone to pick up DSS for his Easter week with us, and no-one is home. No call, no text, just nobody answering the door.

I had a feeling this was going to happen because I texted DSS earlier in the week and he said he was going away with his Mum this week but was then evasive about when they were coming home.

Ex has form for this stuff - but I do think DSS could have given us a heads up and saved his Dad a whole bunch of wasted time. It makes me feel that he takes a lot of his Dad's time and effort for granted and isn't really bothered. Am I being unfair? I've found the last few years with him being a teenager MUCH harder than when he was younger!

How old is he? I think even being a teen he might find it hard to go against his mum and if he'd told his dad that they weren't going to be there then if he'd phoned the ex she may have had a go at the dc.

I don't think you can blame the lad for this but his mum for obstructing time with his dad.

Dh's ex does this a lot. But she only lives 10 mins drive away so not that much of a big deal. It is a control thing.

Yes, I do think a teen should take some responsibility for communication via contact. If he knew he was away he should have told his father.

He's 13 - will be 14 next month. Starting in year 10 in September. He has his own mobile (which DH pays for).

They finally turned up 2 hours late. Some excuse about her house-sitting for her sister and not being able to lock the front door. (Sister's house is round the corner, DH could easily have popped round and collected from there). DH didn't want to start a row and obviously mum is to blame but she does have MH issues. It would have taken DSS 30 seconds to text his Dad, even if just to alleviate any worries. But what can DH do? If he comes home again he only has to drive all the way over there again to collect DSS when they finally turn up.

Personally, I think it would only take him driving away and refusing to go back once to make DSS a bit more mindful of keeping him informed.

Not fair to blame dss.

Are you sure he's always got his phone on him?
Are you sure he's allowed to freely text his Dad in his mum's company?
Is he the sort of child that's good at keeping track of time?
Are you sure dss knew when he'd be back? My ex decided to have the kids for an extra night at the last minute.

Assuming that your h went to pick up at a time that was agreed with the ex then it sounds like the mum was at fault.

At fourteen I would say he is absolutely able to be responsible for communicating with his dad, and I would be asking him why he doesn't.

My DS often chooses not to go to his dad's but to stay here. When he was younger I could push the issue, now he is thirteen he is able to make his own decisions. The only thing I am absolutely hard on is that if he decides he's not going to his dad's then he is responsible for communicating that fact to his dad. Similarly I have no issue if he e.g. Chooses to spend an extra night at his dad's, my only request is that he tell me that.

So I would sit down with him and ask him whether there are any issues which mean he is not communicating with his dad. Bearing in mind that thirteen year old boys are not, as a general rule, renounced for their willingness to communicate. . I absolutely wouldn't encourage your DH to start playing mind games by just driving home and doing nothing. If there is a valid reason why he doesn't want to go this will just make things worse.

*Not fair to blame dss.

Are you sure he's always got his phone on him?
Are you sure he's allowed to freely text his Dad in his mum's company?
Is he the sort of child that's good at keeping track of time?
Are you sure dss knew when he'd be back? My ex decided to have the kids for an extra night at the last minute. *

Not fair??? Fine if dss was 10. he is 13/14. Plenty old enough to keep track of his own arrangements and be reminded of basic manners/courtesy. All he had to do was text his dad and say "running late, I'll text you when we are home". If, at 14, he can't do that then it needs to be addressed anyway. If at 14 he doesn't have his phone with him all the time (my 14 year old is NEVER without her phone) or his mum won't let him text his dad (how would that even work with a 14 year old??) then that needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't get over bothered by this but if it were my kid, I'd say "hey if you know I am coming to pick you up and you know you aren't going to be there, could you please text me- it is only polite"

Definitely not the sort of child who is good at keeping track of time! As far as I know, he has his phone with him all the time and certainly had it this time. He seems to be able to text freely and does so at other times (although maybe this is more when he is away from mum?)

I don't blame him at all for being late, that's always down to his mum. Maybe he feels he is being disloyal if he texts his dad in those circs? And he's not late because he doesn't want to go - if anything, she seems to make them later the more he is looking forward to something. DH has said stuff along the lines of Canyou's suggestion, and DSS always says the right things but he mostly just seems to plod through life without any independent thought in his head! His mum's issues mean he is subject to a great deal of controlling behaviour at home so I guess it's understandable. I just wonder when these things become excuses rather than reasons, IYSWIM.

I find the lack of basic courtesy really frustrating, but have to remind myself that it is difficult for him. And the teenage lack of communication thing is tough, too - this is the first time I've been through teen years with a boy - I couldn't stop DD talking when she was a teen!

Even when DSS got to 17/18, he appeared unable to communicate about arrangements - he also seemed to be unable to take any responsibility for bringing a change of clothes during access visits. I sometimes think that living across two homes infantilises young people.