names :(

[Needaglassofwinedotcom]

I've been sole carer for Dh child whilst he's been working away. Sdd has been quite a handful, calling me names when not allowed to get her own way, ie, given money to go out with mates, but wanted more. Dh has spoken to her about her behaviour on his return. Sdd is polite to me in front of Dh but otherwise doesn't do what I ask (chore-wise) - not much is asked. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at Sdd calling me names but dh expecting the relationship to be rosy.

Oh gawd, the same old tricks played by daddies little princesses, and daddy never wants to see how clever and manipulative they can be! How old is she, are the chores reasonable and age related...and why are you the sole carer, is her DM not in the picture?

Is your DH the RP, OP, or was this contact time?

If the former then he needs to step up and ensure you get treated with courtesy. Perhaps the three of you need to sit down and discuss? If your DH refuses to believe that his princess could be unpleasant or ungrateful then it would be time for a very serious talk with him or I'd be stepping back as much as possible.

If the latter then he needs to look after his own child and not leave her with you if she cannot behave in a decent way.

She's 11 and yes tasks are age related. Dh is only parent.

What is RP?

Unfortunately Dh works away frequently so I'm left in the caring role.

Dh has said that his dd is manipulative but wants us all to be a happy unit. I'm finding this extremely hard given the way dds is.

It's great that he wants you all to be a happy unit, but that will only work if he puts things in place to support that. I'm often the sole carer of my DSCs (DH working away and they don't see their Mum that much), I expect everyone to muck in and help when he's away. He knows that if he doesn't back me up on what I need to be able to look after them then I won't do it. A few times I've said I will not look after them if he doesnt back me up enforcing x,y and z. It may not be the way he parents, but if I'm left in sole care then it has to be my way for things to work. If he kicks back I've pointed out I'm quite happy for him not to go away (noit possible in his view), or for therm to go to their Mum's (unlikely as she doesn't want them much) - so he then realises I am doing him the favour so he has to support me.
OP, You are doing the favour here - it's not your job, so you should be able to expect complete support. He really should be setting down clear rules for his DD.
I'd dig my heels in if I were you, and not be so willing to support him if he won't support you.
At 11/12 they can start really pushing boundaries - with my DD I was quite willing and able to say no if she wasn't prepared to be pleasant. I wouldn't cough up money (that I work hard for) if she wasn't prepared to help out, I wouldn't be the taxi service if she wasn't pleasant etc. This is how life works, and your DH is doing no-one any favours by recognising her behaviour but not tackling it.
I do notice my DSCs are different when DH is not around, so bear in your DSD may be reacting to his absence a bit. I try to cut my DSCs some slack when DH is away as I think their Mum going absent fairly regularly over the years may have caused a level of underlying worry about whether their other parent could now do the same. If you are in a similar position could there be the same thing going on? I encourage DH to phone and Skype with the DSCs when he's away to give them that continuity.
Good luck!

I refuse to look after DSS when Dh is away. DH is the RP, but DSS is so rude and will not listen to me, I am not going to take responsibility for him. He has to go to his DM or DGP's.

You do have a choice, if he was not with you he would have to sort something else out. So put your foot down and say what needs to change for you to be happy to do this again.

Needaglass, NR means non resident parent!
At 11, your DSD is testing her will against her world, and no doubt, now that she's old enough to understand that her DM doesn't actually want her, she's feeling quite angry at adults in general! However, if your DH wants everything to be hunkeydorey in his family, he's going to have to wake up, man up and sort it out! Why the hell should you be taking the brunt of her bad behaviour, as has been said, what would he do if you walked? You need to make it very clear to him that the sweet little princess she shows to him is not reality, and that if you are to be left in sole charge of her, you need to be allowed the authority to parent her sensibly and responsibly...because, he obviously can't!

Don't blame you Calico!!

Either you have become a substitute mum, or you are not. It sounds like the roles are not very clear all around though, hence the conflict.

It sounds to me that if you are looking after her solely when DH is away, you are indeed acting as a parental figure, in which case, it is totally appropriate that you should have the authority to discipline her yourself as you would your own child (assuming it is not in total opposition to what your OH would do).

I expect this girl is confused and as a result torn apart as to how to treat you.