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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

would you say something?

47 replies

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 13:44

Not a huge deal, however dh collected dsd from a night at her grandmas, she's not washed or cleaned her teeth. She has on yesterday's clothes (no doubt same underwear) sleep in her eyes greasy hair and smells. Would you mention in passing to your dh or assume he's noticed and doesn't care?

I am a bit of a stickler for hygiene, given she's now 12 I feel it's important for her to be clean. Am I being neurotic or should I bring it up to dh?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

QuiteLikely5 · 21/02/2016 13:52

Pick your battles.

This type of thing must be the norm for when she stays at grannies.

Surely if you noticed your dh did?

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 13:54

Dh probably has noticed but would rather have an easy life. I'd rather be around clean folk!

OP posts:

cappy123 · 21/02/2016 14:10

Why are you keen to mention it. Do the grandparents watch her regularly with this result, or was it a one off? Does DSD live with you? Do you get on with the grandparents? Difficult to comment without context.

merseyside · 21/02/2016 14:21

Not important enough to mention

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 21/02/2016 14:23

I would leave it. 12 year old girls by their very nature are quite minging hygiene-wise, ime.

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 14:30

Yes she regularly has 1 night at grandmas and 50:50 between us and her mums. Dsd not washing isn't new, but she smells has sleep in her eyes and just looks dirty.

I mentioned it to dh, he said he hadn't noticed anyway it's up to him to get her to shower not me. Seems in a house I part own I still have no voice. Ho hum.

I wasn't minging at any age, my mum was very strict with cleanliness guess that's why I am too. I could not get out of bed and get dressed without showering.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 14:31

At 12 i would just say "you havent had a wash today have you? Go jump in the shower and do your teeth"

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 21/02/2016 14:32

I am very strict with cleanliness too Susan but try as I might, when my dd was 12/13, she was vile and disgusting. It was very common amongst my friends too.

A voice in your own house when it comes to stepchildren? Are you new?

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 14:39

No not new, worn down and slightly jaded yes Once upon a time I would have told her to get washed, now I can't be arsed it's not worth the magnitude of drama I get or the name calling or the rudeness. It's just so wearing, so I now gently nudge dh, today however he's nodded and done nothing.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 14:40

Oh so its an ongoing issue with her not washing. Why is today any different that you needed to ask if you should mention to DH?

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 14:43

I've just returned from a long stint away with my work, I feel like I need to be reintegrated each time I get back as rules have changed and goal posts moved. I'm tired jet lagged and I guess a bit grumpy. Not dsd fault at all but I don't want to be sitting on the sofa next to her when she whiffs a bit. Perhaps I'm being mean.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 14:54

Well if you arent going to say anything then just sit on another chair.

wallywobbles · 21/02/2016 15:16

Any one who smells gets told to go and deal with it step or otherwise. Washing daily is not optional. No one goes to school with rank hair either.

Neverenuff · 21/02/2016 16:26

I once tried having this chat cloth dsd as her mum clearly wasn't and dad was a bit wweirded out about it. It all went tits up. I now say nothing to dsd about it. I do find myself regularly saying ' everyone's getting showers tonight incase we want to get up and go in the morning'. That way no one's feelings gets hurt. Also find saying early beds all round tonight on the Friday's the kids come over. They are like wee zombies from being up late and playing computer. Boone's clicked it's for peace and quiet and less arguing.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/02/2016 17:05

The joys of being a stepparent. This is one of the many ways in which a stepmums respect for their DP is eroded away over time.

Lazy parenting, different parenting priorities or just straight absolving themselves of parenting in order to avoid upsetting their DC; is it any wonder that the separation/divorce rate of second and susequent marriages is so high!

It's a no-win situation for most stepparents though - you are labasted if you are introduced to the DC's "too soon" - so by the time you find out what type of parent your DP is, you are emotionally invested and it becomes a lot harder to walk away.

Hence, why so many stepmums discover that their spouse is a disney dad or their long-term partner doesn't pay attention to his DC's personal hygiene.

RebootYourEngine · 21/02/2016 17:44

My ds is the same. He just doesnt care. It drives me nuts. If i could i would pick him up and throw him in the bath but he is just too big for me to lift.

I will tell ds that he smells or his hair is greasy but it goes in one ear and out of the other.

deregistered · 21/02/2016 17:47

Bit of an absolutely mammoth jump there PrettyBright!!

OP my young teen can be a bit minging. She can't be arsed to wash her hair and wear clean clothes for a couple of days on end. She's a normal, nice kid with no big underlying problems or issues i.e. some kids are just like this. I say to her 'oi your hair's greasy mate' or 'sorry but your pits are a bit smelly' in a light hearted, jokey way and get her to shower without embarrassing her or making a 'thing'.

Wdigin2this · 21/02/2016 18:03

This is one of my HUGE problems! All DSC grown, but one with similar issues but for different reasons, and I really find it so hard to be around them!

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 18:16

I asked dsd to stop picking her nose wiping on the sodding sofa the drama made by my request I dread to think how she'd react if I said she smelt.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 18:30

Ugh! Disgusting. I'd go batshit if anyone smeared snatters on my furniture. I'd have made far more drama than she'd have made. Not an argument i'd give in on tbh.

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 18:36

Honestly you'd think she'd been brought up by wild animals sometimes. She's now finally in the bath, I've told her just because she's bathing late doesn't mean she won't be showering before school tomorrow. I received the dsd death stare special. I hope once she starts her periods she'll be more aware and choose to bathe daily.

The way she's been parented is the exact opposite of me, difficult to keep my mouth shut at times. Although my dh is lovely albeit a tad Disney I am so glad I chose not to have kids with him I'd be the bad cop always

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/02/2016 18:51

I wasn't minging at any age, my mum was very strict with cleanliness guess that's why I am too. I could not get out of bed and get dressed without showering.
That might be, but she's not you and you're not her mum.

I think you are totally overeacting. Even if she had a hygiene problem as a whole, it wouldn't be your problem, but one night?

The way she's been parented is the exact opposite of me, difficult to keep my mouth shut at times.
You might want to try if you don't want a life of hell in a few years time when she's feel confident enough to tell you to get lost. You sound incredibly condescending. I feel for your SD.

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 18:58

Do you swing that's kind of you, perhaps you'd like her 4 nights a week instead. Don't give me a dressing down like small child. You have a snapshot of what's going on here. Poor poor sd that I take exception to her rudeness and poor hygiene. I'm an awful person.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 21/02/2016 21:22

I had this too lazy - its the extreme reaction from DSD - strops etc that is the issue - and our DPs weakly undermining us. I'd say tactfully you need a shower before bed.. So different when a SM.

Original poster

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 21:32

She's had a bath and left the place in a mess bottles and bubble bath on the sides spilled, asked her to leave the bathroom as she found it. She's gone apeshit, I don't see why I should be making allowances simply because her parents are no longer together. There are kids with far worse to deal with that don't behave the way she does. I blame dh and his ex, they allow this and I'm the one in the firing line.

I'm sick of being told 'you're not her mother you must just put up and shut up.' How about no.

OP posts:

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