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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

would you say something?

47 replies

LazySusan11 · 21/02/2016 13:44

Not a huge deal, however dh collected dsd from a night at her grandmas, she's not washed or cleaned her teeth. She has on yesterday's clothes (no doubt same underwear) sleep in her eyes greasy hair and smells. Would you mention in passing to your dh or assume he's noticed and doesn't care?

I am a bit of a stickler for hygiene, given she's now 12 I feel it's important for her to be clean. Am I being neurotic or should I bring it up to dh?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/02/2016 22:08

I blame dh and his ex, they allow this and I'm the one in the firing line.

Exactly. The man you married allows this to happen. How can you not lose respect for him?
And so often, the parent just doesnt see it - expect the women they love to put up and shut up while they behave in a way that makes it clear that you are firmly at the bottom of their priorities.

Wdigin2this · 22/02/2016 09:59

I don't think Lazy is overreacting, it's so unpleasant when someone who is in your home, is dirty and smells...as I well know! But how to deal with it??? If anyone comes up with an answer please tell me!!!

HesNotAMessiah · 22/02/2016 10:14

Susan, don't know if it's just the age or just DSD's in particular but I recognise some of those hair trigger responses.

Two DSD's have gone through his phase, they were disgusting. I can think of two instances of finding used sanitary products in unexpected places!

They're still incredibly untidy but they are now clean. Although it did come as a surprise to find out recently that none of them had ever used shower gel or soap to wash themselves with.

If you can find a way of nudging, that's probably the most constructive thing you can do. But it's hard, I'm always getting pulled up by DP for picking on the DSC where to me it's just the basics.

Thegreenhen1 · 22/02/2016 14:04

I have no issues reminding my ds to step up his personal hygiene when necessary. Lack of showering / teeth cleaning / greasy hair / not changing his bed. I can say anything to him.

It's not the same dealing with DSC. I've never told DSC they smell or are minging for wearing the same clothes for days on end. I've asked dp to deal with it. He makes excuses. He claims not to notice / says it's not their fault. No such excuses made for my ds though despite being the same age!

It's just something else than non step mums just won't understand. I'd say if it's just a little bit of bad hygiene, let it go. If it's intolerable you're going to have to say something yourself.

Heavens2Betsy · 04/03/2016 14:17

Ah this is 12 year old kids in general! If they can avoid washing they will!
My ds is 12 and I have to chase him into the shower regularly. DSD is 11 and I do the same to her.
All kids follow the same rules
Your DP is at fault here - he should be making her shower and telling her off if she doesn't. I would not put up with smelly people wiping bogeys about in my house.

lookluv · 04/03/2016 14:55

OP - you are coming across in your posts as an intolerant, nit picking SM.

This is normal pre teen behaviour, be thankful she is not a boy. My son does not like changing his underwear, it drives me mad. I found him one day with 5 pairs of boxers on, each day he put a new one over the old ones, because the oldest was comfiest - it drives me mad.

I get the feeling whatever this girl did you would find fault. Your tone and criticisms suggest a very intolerant person who likes it my way or the highway. This has nothing to do with her parents splitting - this is normal behaviour for a child. Kids do this in non separated families.

Let's be honest you have come back from a trip, are jet lagged and you do not want her around - she will be well aware of your disapproval and that from my experience means she will act up even more.

You are trying to play a victim here and you need to realise not all children are as perfect as you obviously were, not all parents get it right as well as yours did and if you are that intolerant then I suggest shacking up with someone who does not have kids, because if you carry on like this your coronaries will give out.

merseyside · 04/03/2016 20:54

^^ this

howtodowills · 22/03/2016 12:42

Ask DP to tell her to get in the shower!

My SDs don't get cleaned every day at mums and frequently complain of "itchy bits". In the beginning I used to really try and get them to give themselves (or DP to give them) a decent clean down there every day. It caused so much hassle i just leave it now. Tell DS when he needs to bath and let DP decide what to do with the SDs. Little one will usually jump in with DS, elder one will argue (but she argues about anything.) I've stopped caring.

Same with their teeth - I am passionate about oral hygiene and always make sure DS brushes his teeth properly. SDs are lazy with theirs and eldest one gets really effed off with me if i try and encourage her to do them properly (i.e. actually brush and not just suck the toothpaste off for a minute and then finish.)... I used to persevere as I care a lot and don't want them to have manky teeth. Now I just leave it... it's too much drama for me and as long as my kids have good teeth and hygiene I am happy.

I know that sounds harsh but it i choose to pick my battles!

howtodowills · 22/03/2016 12:48

BTW OP - I don't think you sound nit picking. If you said you didn't give a shit about SDs personal hygiene you'd be lambasted.

I also think it's perfectly acceptable to ask her to tidy up after herself in the bath. She's 12 years old, not 2 and perfectly capable of putting lids on. My SDs leave the place like a shithole... dirty clothes all over the floor (how hard is it to put in washbin?) I tell DP if he doesn't want to bring his kids up to learn how to tidy then he can tidy up after them. Up to him then! Funnily enough he has since started working a bit harder with them!

MooseAndSquirrel · 22/03/2016 13:04

Op I dont think you sound nit picky at all. I dont understand why sp are all evil if they expect their sc to tidy up after themselves - if my DD stays at my mums/a friends I would expect her to tidy up after herself as she does at home, or to be told if she "forgets" (she's 7)
in regards to washing, pre teens are mostly gross, I remember telling my 12yr old step sister to have a shower when I went over my mums. When I told her she looked embarrassed and went to wash her manky hair, however when my mum had suggested it (dm is her sm) she was shouted at!
Step parents seem to have to deal with all the crap, be supportive, treat a sc as their own dc...but not actually dare to parent!
Fair play to all of you who try - its a thankless task
I get on with my SD, but I was 22when he came along and had a child of my own, and most importantly didn't live with them

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/03/2016 14:23

I'd be really pleased if my exes GF got my boy to shower more often when he was there. Why wouldn't I? Someone else laying down consistent standards, good. Of course if there were just othrt mean comments from an SM I'd be upset, but asking my son to be clean, considerate, tidy all fine by me and I hope ex wouldn't undermine that.

howtodowills · 22/03/2016 14:37

bananas oh, a logical and rational mum to someone's Stepchild.... what a wonderful and sadly unusual creature you are!
wish you were my SDs mother :)

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/03/2016 17:05

Thanks how to - unfortunately my DPs ex intensely dislikes me because I either tried to parent her kids and also because I wanted to stand back from them too. Wish you were my DPs Ex!

howtodowills · 22/03/2016 18:42

Oh I get told all the time (via DP) I'm doing too much or not enough.... I wanted to be on good terms with his ex but she's one who you just can't win with so now I just do what i think is best for me and the kids...

Wdigin2this · 22/03/2016 19:22

Bloody hell, we SM's can't do right for doing wrong can we?
If we treat them as our own, ie tell them to shower and wash grotty hair, as we would our DC, who do we think we are, we have no rights, we're not their parent!
If we ignore the fact that they're walking around like tramps...we're obviously uninterested, uninvolved and uncaring!!
I honestly don't think we can ever win!

howtodowills · 22/03/2016 20:15

Exactly.
Then I end up with a clean, hair washed DS with clean clothes on and the step kids look uncared for cause nobody brushed their hair or dressed them weather appropriately or made them brush their teeth or forced them NOT to wear the top with spag Bol down it (yes I have always tried but when it causes aggro all the time what's the sodding point in continuing!)

swingofthings · 22/03/2016 20:41

The issue is that not everyone have the same standards of hygiene. I even know a mum who believes that good hygiene is more important than good grades! There is no right or wrong. Yes, ideally, you want your kids to wash and be clean, but for some it will be low in their priorities, and that doesn't make it right or wrong.

The problem is when a SM is trying to impose her priorities and that can have some real bad consequences. As an -clean- adult, I can look back and see that I had poor hygiene as a young teenager. Why? Because my self-esteem was in tatters. I was body conscious, so hated getting naked. I also absolutely hated being cold and at the time, we just had a small radiator that took forever to heat. It would sound ridiculous to most adults, but I also hated water (now can't get me out of it!), so taking a shower was a big deal for me. My parents tried to get me to do so more often than I did, but didn't label me by my poor standards, instead focused on what they felt was more important. My SM though seemed to me obsessed with it and I felt that it defined all she cared about in relation to me. As a result, it made me feel extremely anxious and the more she made comments, the more self-conscious I became.

Thankfully, I moved with my grand-mother when I was 15 in a new town and for the first time, I started to believe that I wasn't ugly. This made me gain confidence and with it, I started to pay more attention to my appearance. Before I knew it, I took a liking in a boy and my grand-mother couldn't get me out of the bath.

My DD hygiene was not too good around 11 or 12, but then all in a sudden, she was in the shower every day without me reminding her. DS is not great either (despite demanding his bath time when he was younger), and I do have to remind him about showering and brushing his teeth, but I am confident that he too will get on with it when the time is right.

Stressing a teenager about hygiene is the best way to alienate them and make them want to withdraw. However unpleasant it is to be around a smelly teenager, it is not half as bad as a teenager who decides he dislikes you much.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/03/2016 21:27

Swing I don't think I have ever seen a post from you that supports an SM being a parent.

swingofthings · 23/03/2016 17:47

There are some really :)

Of course, there is first an issue as to whether a SM takes on a parental role towards their SC. My view is that it depends on all the circumstances, the most obvious being how much contact they have, but also the age of the children, the reason why they take on a parental role etc...

Then there is the issue of SMs taking on a parental role, but only to discipline the child. That's where I don't agree. A good parent is both disciplinarian and loving and it is the balance that means the children grow up healthily. The issue i have is that I often get the feel that some SM want to have the freedom to take on the role of the disciplinarian, but not the loving an caring part. That's when I think 9 times out of 10, it is bound to end badly with the SC not accepting the discipline.

I genuinely have no problems with SMs in general. I had a serious issue with mine but don't have any with my kids' SM any longer, so it can't be a generality. I have made peace with mine and are becoming closer year on year. Everything is possible with time and goodwill!

Wdigin2this · 23/03/2016 23:03

Whatever role you play in your DSC's life, I don't see why you have to put up with a smelly dirty child in your home, especially if you ensure your own DC are always clean!

mrjobson67 · 05/04/2016 11:35

I would say something to your husband, but not in ear shot of your step daughter. You only have to ask if he's noticed, at least you're showing that you care.

Bakerandspice · 08/04/2016 14:23

Agree with mrjobson.. Your DH should have a quiet word with her..

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