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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner goes AWOL when with his DC

18 replies

DangerMiss · 16/02/2016 09:51

To cut a long story short, I have been with my partner for a number of years. We each have DC (he has 1, I have 3). At the moment we don't live together, primarily because of space, and because my 2 elder children are settled into schools I don't want to move them from, and finding a bigger property in my area is proving close to impossible. He lives about an hour away.

My partner has his DC every weekend, and during all school holidays. During that time we do see each other as a family and go out, but only on the odd day or two. The rest of the time he spends with his DC he goes completely silent on the communication front. He doesn't call, perhaps once in a entire day, and he is slow to respond to messages if he actually does. It is now half term, and as per usual, I have heard from him only once at 4pm yesterday - a 60 second phonecall. They have planned to come over on Wednesday, but It's like he is living a separate life the rest of the time. I can't go on like this.

If he doesn't have his DC with him he is perfectly 'normal'. What annoys me more, is that I have 3 DC, one much younger than his, and I always attempt to make myself available.

I am on the verge of leaving him, if this doesn't change. But I don't know if I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:

stiffstink · 16/02/2016 09:56

What do you need to talk to him about so urgently?

Original poster

DangerMiss · 16/02/2016 10:16

I don't need to talk to him urgently about anything, but isn't it usual to speak to your partner, and to act Interested in their life? On an average day we will exchange messages on WhatsApp, or we will speak to, see each other after work etc

On a day like today, during half term...I won't hear from him if at all, it may be a single message, it may be nothing. He isn't working right now as he's a teacher. When I'm alone with my children, he expects ,e to be available at all time to answer the phone, have him over etc. when the shoe is on the other foot it is never the same.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2016 10:19

I think regardless of this situation if he isn't treating you fairly, then he's not the man for you. I can see that he'd want to spend time alone with his child - I think that's normal - but there's no need to cut you out at the same time.

DoreenLethal · 16/02/2016 10:24

How would it be if you lived together? I suspect you would be back here feeling left out of their lives even though you were in the same house.

Original poster

DangerMiss · 16/02/2016 11:49

Thanks, you're right. I honestly think perhaps the whole 'blended family' thing just isn't for me, although we've given it a good go. We get on so well, and are generally happy together, but it is this one issue that I can see will never change. I do think we would have similar issues, even if we did live together.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 16/02/2016 12:13

I might be barking up completely the wrong tree here, OP, but this made me wonder if he was perhaps spending time with his ex, too, when the children are there?

It does sound odd. You don't mention how old his DC is but assuming they are not at the very young side of school age and don't need a lot of non-stop care and attention then I'd have thought he'd welcome some adult interaction, if only to say what they are up to etc.

Original poster

DangerMiss · 16/02/2016 16:23

Hi, I don't think he spends any time with his ex - she doesn't talk to him, appears to actively dislike him, and even refuses to answer the phone to him on the majority of occasions. She left my partner for another man, who she still seems to be with as their DC talks about him from time to time. Her negative behaviour towards him has been spoken about openly many times by his immediate family, so I don't think there is anything hidden going on between them.

It is just like he turns into another person when he is with his child, and suddenly I don't exist. I can totally understand him wanting to spend alone time with his child, but it's like he completely disregards my feelings, and it is something I never do to him.

A good example of how he can be, is after about a year of dating when we decided to introduce our children (2 of mine, and his only child) to go out for the day. He asked me and my children to sit in the back seat, and placed his child in the front seat next to him. We weren't able to talk at all for the entire journey which lasted over an hour, and nor could his and my DC communicate without shouting to one another. He could not understand at the time why I was bothered about this, even though I felt like a passenger in a taxi cab.

Now further down the line it's something that I feel I can no longer tolerate really. He thinks I am being very unreasonable, but I can't see him ever changing.

OP posts:

newname99 · 16/02/2016 18:23

It seems he has compartmentalised his life rather than include you.I think it's natural to talk each day as if not when you get back together it's feels you are in catch up mode.

I think that he is showing you that should you live together you would always be finding yourself on the outside.

I had issues with dh and his dsd (not to this degree however) and 15years on its still an issue despite her being an adult.I am pleased that dh prioritises his daughter but its sometimes at the detriment to our marriage and other dc.I do wish sometimes I had walked away earlier on as it hasn't got better.

HeddaGarbled · 16/02/2016 23:13

I think you are expecting too much. He contacts you once a day when you are apart. That's enough.

Wdigin2this · 16/02/2016 23:15

Simply put....you'd be better finding someone else!

HeddaGarbled · 16/02/2016 23:16

Sorry, missed the bit about him expecting you to be available. Well, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Stop being available.

MeridianB · 17/02/2016 10:59

Adults sit in the front. Don't even debate it. Just get into the front seat.

Heavens2Betsy · 17/02/2016 12:04

I agree with PP who say he would be the same if you lived together.
It's about his attitude not the distance.
If he is like this after a few years together he always will be so its up to you how you react.
Maybe it is because his dd is an only child and he focusses all his attention on her and literally forgets about everyone and everything else in his life.
Its not right I know but it does explain it.

Original poster

DangerMiss · 17/02/2016 12:33

I think I am going to end the relationship. I tried to talk about things yesterday, and he was deeply offended and denied that he is any different, he believes it is me with the problem.

It wouldn't bother me if he wasn't so predictable, but it's become the norm that when he has his DC from a Friday I mentally shut down, as I know he will remain unresponsive until Sunday afternoon...which is 'our time'. It is then that he will start calling, arranging to meet, or asking me how I've been. I also dread the holidays now as I know he will go off into his own world...so what's the point of us being together? Sometimes I feel that he only uses me to ease his loneliness when he doesn't have his child with him, and that he uses my kids as playmates for his child, and that's the only reason he will come over or want to go out during that time. He's mentioned many times before that he feels bad his child has no one to play with - there are no other children on either side of his DC's family.

OP posts:

cappy123 · 17/02/2016 19:01

Sorry its rough for you Danger. Sounds like you both need to be honest. His defensiveness and blatant deprioritising of you as his significant other sends a stark message to the kids about how a woman and partner is to be treated. And this attitude could harm all the kids longer term. You sound like a lovely mum, if you do move on hopefully you'll find someone who understands/practices healthy parenting and respects you and your kids.

EllieJayJay · 19/02/2016 15:54

When DP has children on his own for a day he can't focus on anything other than them :)

Useless at multitasking and gets busy and does text when he's got some downtime but generally exhausted and focuses on kids

Went away with them recently hardly heard from him... Just overwhelmed with two kids running circles around him lol

Talk to him :)

yankeecandle4 · 20/02/2016 08:50

OP I would stop being so available for him and see what happens. It does seem that you are filling an empty space for him.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 20/02/2016 09:27

I can't get over the fact he expected you to go in the back of the car while his child sat in the front. Unbelievable.

It does sound like he is using you to fill the empty gaps when his child isn't around. His attitude to you doesn't appear thoughtful or respectful.

Unless things change considerably I can't see how you could ever merge your families happily.

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