Really interested to hear from Mums, Stepmums, anyone who shares access to DC

[Lyrasdust]

Could you look at the following examples of communication and say if you think they are unnecessary communication between parents. In other words the person sending them is just trying to initiate contact with the other adult. Also if they could have been left until another time like pick up/drop off.

A text message at 9.33am to say DD is off school that day with a bladder infection

A text message to say school shoes haven't come home with uniform that weekend. Sent at 8pm the day after contact

A phone call to discuss booking a holiday involving potentially missing contact in November of this year.

A text of a video of child taking part in a grading of a musical instrument.

A phone call to discuss making a parents evening appointment

A photo text of child dressed up in fancy dress for a party.

Thanks.

Purposely not said which side I am coming from.

Well, you are right swing it is a daily thing with kids, but we are not kids. And we are not dealing with kids. It's about boindries, and adapting to different situations. What's so wrong with that? What's so wrong with accepting that with a break up that the circumstances change. Anyway, what works for one may not work for anothe. That's what makes these posts very difficult to say what's right (only what works for us)

My point probably made badly is that an ex ringing is no more intrusive than my friend ringing, or anyone else. And that I do have control over that when there are situations when I wouldn't want to hear from him. Yesterday was one. But also that there would be no way of him knowing what I was doing if he had decided to get in touch so I'd not be in a position to feel agrrieved about it.

The examples given of 8am on a partners special birthday etc are extreme and the ex was clearly being antagonistic. Even more IMO a time to ignore or for a dp not to let on that the ex has been in touch.

I have a simple workaround.

Do your DC's have access to a shared iPad or similar? If so install viber (or similar software). Ask him to do he same. Then if they've got photos they want sent to him, encourage them to set that mode of communication up directly.

You're taken out the loop.
Your ex and his new partner have no grounds for complaint. This is his children messaging him.
Understand from him what issues he wants communication on via text and then cease all contact.

They are two very rude people who are sitting there bitching about you. Screw them and encourage your DC's to open that direct communication with him.

I don't think they are rude.

The OP seems like a nice person but it's not rude to be annoyed by an endless stream of non-essential interruptions. And yes, when the phone rings or beeps, it interrupts, regardless of whether one responds at the moment or not.

I take steps to minimize interruptions by withholding my number, getting off telemarketing lists etc. and if someone in my life were calling too often I'd say hey, email me unless it's life or death. That's not rude, it's setting boundaries.

As etiquette experts often point out, the phone is for its owner's convenience, not the caller's.

'Non essential interruptions'

Here's how life works when you're the parent taking on the bulk of the childcare responsibilities.

Primary carer (PC) 'do you want me to loop you in on parents evenings?'
Other parent (OP) of course I do!'
PC: 'ok I'll check with you when setting the time'

In amongst a gazillion list of chores, there is a window to lock in a time before moving onto the next job. So this is deemed 'non essential' and the PC books the parent evening (because newsflash, we don't have the time or the bandwidth to come back to it again because the OP deems it non essential).

PC: this is the time the meeting is set
OP: wtf? I TOLD you I wanted to be there. I can't do that time because of xyc. You're deliberately cutting me out of the DC's lives. Yada yada yada

I know this is one sided. But yes IMO it is incredibly rude to treat the person who does the bulk of childcare for YOUR children this way.
If I ever got a message like this from my STBXH my response would be to tell him to go f**k himself. It is so incredibly patronising and dismissive in one go.

'Non essential communication' around your own children. FGS.

Time-sensitive appointments are one thing. But photos, artwork, vacation plans, the fact that the child stayed home with mild illness, etc all could be handled via è-mail.

I think people in general are too prone to text impulsively when a notion pops into their brain. Ask youself, is this really so urgent I need to cause an instant beep intruding into the other person's space?

My e-mail is linked to my phone for convenience but I have the notification turned off. Because e-mail is a more leisurely form of communication than texting and I don't personally need to know every time a new message arrives in the queue.

The nature of a text message is that it pops up instantaneously with an (optional) sound effect. I prefer that people only text me with time-sensitive, need-to-know-now info such as "running late, will be there in 15 minutes" or "I'm about to book the tickets; is $75/seat OK?" and it's my right to request that friends and family respect that.

No ex-husband here so am not projecting, just pointing out that it's not unreasonable to want others to control themselves. Having constant texts and such rolling in would be like having a toddler grabbing at your pants leg constantly when you are trying to focus on something else.

lealeander I'm curious. Are you a parent who does 70% / 80% of childcare?

I can't figure out if your deliberately dismissive tone is because that's who you are.
Or because quite simply put you have zero idea what it's like to be a parent left with the bulk of the responsibility. It's exhausting. Draining. And most times feels like a no win situation.
But heaven forbid that any of that doesn't interfere with your serene and peaceful lifestyle.

I would love to take a straw poll on mnet as to how many parents who are separated / divorced from their DC's would deem that a child is ill enough to miss school 'non essential information'.

I'm the most relaxed / least clingy parent I know but would absolutely hope my ex would ping me a note to tell me if that happened when the DC's were in his care. As I do him. I can't even begin to imagine a world where he told me to stop messaging him with such nonsense as it was non urgent. Really????

I very rarely have an emotive response to a poster but I have one towards you. Exceptionally interesting. IM really quite glad I'm not a friend of yours. Heaven help I was to be berated for messaging you random nonsense.

The point is not what anyone else thinks, the point is that the recipient of the OP's communications has said they are coming in too often and are not in many cases information he feels that he needs. It's his right to set the boundaries. And, she did ask for opinions on a public message forum.

Some people can't stand it if they are not in constant communication with others. Some people feel more than an e-mail every few days is intrusive. Neither stance is right or wrong and it's certainly nothing to get emotive about, let alone histrionic. But if someone tells you to back off and/or reach them another way, surely it's only common courtesy to respect that? Surely you don't say "Nay, you SHOULD be interested in all of this at the very moment the thoughts pop into MY mind, or you're an asshole and an uncaring father! And therefore I will continue to ping you WHENEVER I see fit!"

It has nothing to do with percentage of child care responsibilities, whether or not a person is involved in/interested in his children's lives, etc. I did care for several elderly relatives in their last years/months/days and never felt the need to constantly ping our mutual relatives/my fellow caregivers with every incident, development or commonplace daily event. Info was sent on an as-needed basis and when it was my turn for respite and their turn to do the care, they chose to communicate in the same way. We all were fine with those boundaries.

Had someone started to emit a constant stream of non-urgent information via text or phone call, they would have been asked to e-mail. None of which would have anything to do with our love for the person under care. But we all have other things to focus on, from work to studies to significant others to simply household admin and chores, or even a book or TV show from time to time.

It's funny you should say that IAmPissed, because I thought LeaLeander's posts have been some of the most balanced and well reasoned on the thread.

Different forms & amounts of contact are going to work for different people. You have to find a compromise that works. It's not right or fair for one person to insist on doing it their way and if the other objects they're deemed an unfit parent.

Or because quite simply put you have zero idea what it's like to be a parent left with the bulk of the responsibility. It's exhausting. Draining. And most times feels like a no win situation

My DPs ex says this when she's angry.

What she forgets is that when she split up with DP, she decided she would be the RP with no discussion. DP was, and still is, told when he can see his children. We offer to have them more but we are refused.

I'm not saying this is your situation but the "no win situation" card can work both ways.

Toosassy, I know your question wasn't directed at me, but as a RP with 85% responsibility for my DCs, I can confirm that i didn't text my XH to tell him my DD was off school yesterday with a high temp.

He was at work and would have possibly felt slightly bad for not being here to give her a cuddle, but most likely would have thought "ah bless her" and got on with his day. I will tell him next time he sees the DCs and I'm sure he will give her a cuddle and ask if she's ok.

I did text him this week about a GP appointment for our DS as I wanted him to take him when he was off work. Had I been taking him I would have mentioned that at pick up too.

Had either of them been admitted to hospital etc of course if have told him, but absolutely no reason for something so minor.

It's not about bearing the brunt of responsibility - it doesn't take the burden off me to tell XH stuff. If something can wait until I see him or can be sent in an email in response to his roster dates email then I will do it that way rather than phone him.

I also think that with regard to photos or pictures the DCs have made etc. it is nicer not to tell them about these things throughout the week as it gives something for the DCs to talk about and show him when they see him. If they have done something they are especially proud of then it's good for them to be able to share that themselves.

I'm a SM and never ever interfered with dh's discussions with his ex about their son. I think it's really horrible for your DH to rebuke you as your intentions are clearly good. I don't think the pics are necessary as such but I know DH would have loved to receive that sort of thing, and he'd have been so grateful for the heads-up about parents Eve or a November holiday, and for knowing his boy was off sick.

Why should you organise everything into a weekly email as some posters suggest. Just do what feels essential for you but don't bother keep him in the loop in future. If he can't make parents evening that's his lookout.

Leakeander I too think that your posts are balanced and fair.

I have 95% of responsibility of my child/residence, but I do not feel the need to daily communicate with my Ex. I know too that if I did it would be intrusive in his relationship. If he did ever ask to reduce the contact I don't think I would pull the mother card and start bitching about him and his gf. My child needs us all to be adults and have healthy boundaries, not resentment.

I am on the other side, I'm the stepmum. I would find any and all of these appropriate. He is a parent and needs to be contactable. We had late night phone calls because dsc's mum was exhausted by a never ending tantrum, that too is ok, if he was there he'd help deal with it, why not when he is not there?

He's jeopardising his relationship with the child. "Oh, we can't tell dad about you passing your violin exam, it's not an emergency" WTF? She'll realise soon dad's convenience always comes before her.

maybe the Dd would like to have some stuff left to tell dad herself, I know my dsd likes to tell her dad about school stuff and hobbies, it's her proud moment.