Really interested to hear from Mums, Stepmums, anyone who shares access to DC

[Lyrasdust]

Could you look at the following examples of communication and say if you think they are unnecessary communication between parents. In other words the person sending them is just trying to initiate contact with the other adult. Also if they could have been left until another time like pick up/drop off.

A text message at 9.33am to say DD is off school that day with a bladder infection

A text message to say school shoes haven't come home with uniform that weekend. Sent at 8pm the day after contact

A phone call to discuss booking a holiday involving potentially missing contact in November of this year.

A text of a video of child taking part in a grading of a musical instrument.

A phone call to discuss making a parents evening appointment

A photo text of child dressed up in fancy dress for a party.

Thanks.

Purposely not said which side I am coming from.

SM here too. I think it's all acceptable communication. And ringing is so much better than email or text to discuss things.

Handovers are the worst time to do it, especially if things aren't so good. The children are often unsettled going between homes anyway so IME it's better not to. The dc don't need to hear negotiations or arguments.

I'm also of the view that if you don't want to be disturbed turn your phone off or on silent. Or just ignore. How on earth can the caller know if the person they are ringing is out having a romantic meal or cutting their toenails in the bath?

I had the same with my EXH. Apparently I was "annoying" when his son was hospitalised and I spent two hours trying to call him from the hospital late at night to tell him

I now no longer share anything at all with him whatsoever and can't wait until my DS sees the light with him and no longer wants contact

What is considered normal between parents after a split up should change when one has a serious girlfriend or boyfriend.
Totally disagree. Why should it have to change to suit someone who is not prepared to accept a certain level of status quo?

I do appreciate that relationships evolve naturally, so it is very likely that some change will take place for everyone, but it should have to change just because a new partner has an issue with the way things have been for some time when it has been working very well for all concerns, especially the child.

If that had been my new partner's attitude, I would have ended the relationship right there. I wouldn't have expected him to change his arrangement with his parents, and I wouldn't have expected him to dictate what I should change or not with my ex.

Well not wanting you to phone Inneed when your son was hospitalised is extreme and shows a lack of care! But that is now what this OPs post is about.

swing if I accepted the status quo when I got with my DP his EX would still have keys to the house and would pop in anytime she wanted!

OP could easily bundle these communications into one a week - and if she cares about her DC and her EX at all, then you'd want something to work all around and lessening the frequency of the texts if DP/EX finds it intrusive is completely reasonable.

And turning off phones, what?!!!

There is a big difference between stopping an ex coming in your new home, something that clearly is an invasion of your own privacy, and making a fuss over the number of texts that is sent to the ex, which clearly has nothing to do with a new partner.

The bottom line is if he never had an issue with the level of communication between the two of them before, why should it become an issue now when the new partner doesn't have to be involved in these communications?

Because too many texts/calls can be intrusive.

I think in an ideal world both parents would move on thoroughly before starting a new relationship and would already have distanced themselves to a degree that leaves space in each of their lives for a new relationship. But sometimes it's not that simple, or you may not realise how reliant your ex is on your until it becomes a problem. This doesn't mean it's all the new partner's fault if they ask for a bit more distance between exes, it's just that the need for the distance has now become more apparent. And as this thread illustrrates something one new partner might be fine with could be seen as overly intrusive by another, so people do need to adapt to meet each other's needs.

OP - I'd really suggest emails more often and phone calls and texts less often as your ex can then respond in his own time and decide whether he needs to involve his new partner or not. My ex and I also do a regular meet up every couple of months to sort diaries and also chat about the kids. Both our new partners seem to find this OK as they know when it is and can plan around it. Might be worth considering?

funnily enough DP and I had a talk about this yesterday and both thought for emergencies a text or call. Non emergencies like recitals/photos etc email and a monthly "meeting" with pre-emailed agenda about long term planning eg holidays, schooling etc would be acceptable.
That way it limits her excuses to make contact with him (generally too frequent and start as an "important" issue and quickly become string of abuse which ruin our time together)

This could have been written by me Lyras!

We got on great until he moved in with his new DP a weeks ago and 2.5 hrs drive away. We would organise parents evenings, carol concerts, school plays etc together, we put on a united front for the children. Now he has moved in with her (and her 4 children) I'm not allowed to text after 6pm or on weekends he doesn't have the children, yet he bleats on about how, 'guilty', he feels....

Louis How on earth can the caller know if the person they are ringing is out having a romantic meal or cutting their toenails in the bath

I think if the ex calls at 7pm on Valentine's Day or midnight exactly on NYE, as my DP's ex did, or at 8am on my 40th birthday when we were away somewhere special, they could probably take a wild guess that they would be interrupting!

However, even without such obvious intrusions, there really isn't a great time to have to sit and listen to your partner chatting to his ex, especially when she is very overfamiliar and loud.

Texting and phoning are intrusive by nature. The sender/caller is putting her instant gratification needs above consideration for the recipient's privacy.

Outside of real medical emergencies a weekly email to exchange necessary information. Get a cloud storage or Facebook page for sharing photos and non-admin tidbits of info.

Constant texting can be annoying no matter the relationship status.

What is considered normal between parents after a split up should change when one has a serious girlfriend or boyfriend.

Totally disagree. Why should it have to change to suit someone who is not prepared to accept a certain level of status quo?

Again I'm with bananas on this one.

Of course things will change when a new partner comes along. The more people you have in your life, the more compromises you have to make to ensure they all receive a fair share of your attention and time.

Generally stepparents do accept a certain level of status quo. No one on here has said the ex shouldn't get in touch at all. But there has been broad agreement that the frequency of contact with an ex, even if it is about the children, is one of the key issues. Where the NRP was single, more frequent contact may have been ok, because it wasn't interrupting anything. Once a new relationship comes along, the dynamics change.

Why should it be the stepparent that has to entirely compromise? Why can't the RP also be reasonable and think, 'you know what, this can wait'?

On reading the OP I thought they were all reasonable, my only potential query was that the parent in question had text that the child was off with an infection without mentioning the illness earlier, but that one not a biggie.

But then someoneade the point about the frequency. I'd expect the things you've listed to need a text once or twice a week. If they were all in a week for eg then yes, that probably is too much!

I would send him an email. Saying you are happy to cut off all texts unless an emergency, and that you have set up an app to share photos/videos etc. we use an app called 23 Snaps, so we can share photos and videos with family. Something like that would be perfect if the kids want to share anything. Or get the kids to email
Him with a photo of a Lego creation (make their own email address) or print it out and or it in their bag for next time they go.

Because too many texts/calls can be intrusive.
To whom? Surely only to the person who receives them, and if they didn't find them intrusive before, why would they suddenly do so?

To whom? Surely only to the person who receives them - calls definitely intrude on the person who is phoned, and anyone else they're with at the time. How could they not? Texts also most people will read as soon as their phone beeps, so that will also intrude a bit on other people they are with at the time.

Emails are the obvious way of communicating directly with one person and not intruding on others that they're with.

In those situations Mark it's clearly deliberate, I was thinking more of reasonable people who would avoid those times and just need to contact their ex. But if your dp knows she has form for it all the more reason just to turn the phone off.

But my feeling overall is that if you and your ex can keep talking, then it's much better for the relationship than texts and emails. And you do have to have a relationship when you have children.

Of course they intrude on other people, if my DH gets a text/call while I'm talking to him he will read it/answer it and stop what he's doing. It's pretty obvious.

Thankfully we don't have this problem. My DH exgf rarely texts, even less so as the SC have gotten older as they can relay the information themselves. She will text holiday dates, parents evening, (and that's not a frequent occurrence) or where to pick up kids (school or home) if something has changed. It works for us but I understand every dynamic is different,

Just a quick note about parents evening. Our school only does one spot per child, unless there is domestic violence issues.

DP wants to be at parents evening and would be pissed off at me if I made an spot he couldn't come to. Appts are first come first served. It's not something that could wait for a weekly email.

Sounds like you phone when you need to Lyra and use other forms of communication as appropriate. And there's nothing needy about any of them either.

I just don't get this thing about intruding though. Now wouldn't be a time that I would answer the phone or read a text, or email from my ex. I'll ignore it if he does and read it when I'm ready. It's no more an intrusion than one of my friends doing the same though.

louis - if DH's ex rang when the DC were with her, I think he'd always want to answer it in case it was something really urgent. How would he feel if he ignored her and then it later emerged that one of the DC was in hospital, or had gone missing or something?

As co-parents I think you do need some means of contacting each other reliably and quickly for real emergencies, and to know you can get in touch. I'd be quite cross at my ex if he started ignoring my calls because he found them intrusive and didn't pick up. Much better for him to ask me to email for non-urgent matters, and then I know I can still contact him urgently if I ever need to.

My DH would have absolutely LOVED to be kept in the loop with his kids - as it stands for over 10 years he got nothing until he saw them in the flesh. Apparently the ex wife said the rules are simple - he chose not to be with their mum so he lost the right to Christmas birthdays parent evenings school reports attending events at school she even banned him from visiting his DD in hospital when she'd had her tonsils removed (he did go to the hospital anyway but the ex wife kicked up such a fuss his 11 year old DD rang him and said please dad just go and I will see you soon)
Apparently can't do right for being wrong with some women. I highly suspect if you didn't keep him updated you would have been called a bitch for that so fuck them. And this is coming from a step mother who for the last ten years has had to content with torrents of abuse from the ex wife on almost a daily basis and NOTHING would have stopped her

To whom? Surely only to the person who receives them - calls definitely intrude on the person who is phoned, and anyone else they're with at the time. How could they not? Texts also most people will read as soon as their phone beeps, so that will also intrude a bit on other people they are with at the time.
Oh please, in that case, this would apply to many different people in many different circumstances. It would be a daily occurrence at home with my kids. Should I insist that whoever is contacting them should do so only once a week because it intrudes on my life?

The reality is that this is an issue for some only because it is communication with the ex.

Of course it is because it is an Ex, and that is perfectly reasonable, to expect your current relationship to have a healthy distance from their last relationship.