Really interested to hear from Mums, Stepmums, anyone who shares access to DC

[Lyrasdust]

Could you look at the following examples of communication and say if you think they are unnecessary communication between parents. In other words the person sending them is just trying to initiate contact with the other adult. Also if they could have been left until another time like pick up/drop off.

A text message at 9.33am to say DD is off school that day with a bladder infection

A text message to say school shoes haven't come home with uniform that weekend. Sent at 8pm the day after contact

A phone call to discuss booking a holiday involving potentially missing contact in November of this year.

A text of a video of child taking part in a grading of a musical instrument.

A phone call to discuss making a parents evening appointment

A photo text of child dressed up in fancy dress for a party.

Thanks.

Purposely not said which side I am coming from.

I would have loved seeing my kids snorkel whether I was there or not

I wouldn't have sent my ex any of those messages or made any of the calls except the school shoes one to ask him to drop them off if passing (otherwise DC could wear other shoes).

DP's ex would send all of them and more, including 'babes' and xxxx at the end and "love you, bye!" as she hangs up. Presuming you're writing/speaking as you have here, then maybe slightly excessive, but not as bad as it could be.

DP's ex has a knack of calling or messaging him just as were snuggling up in bed for a romantic evening or out for a nice meal and he can't ignore it in case it's urgent. (I always say that I'm sure she'll try again if it's important). It IS intrusive to have your ex's name constantly flashing up on your phone during dinner and while having a nice night out. He'll be showing me something on his phone and BAM there she is in between us at the table! I think you could cool it a bit with the non urgent stuff (discussion about November now?!)

And also agree that the tone and content of the messages may be fine, but the frequency is key. Spread over a month, fine. All in one week = excessive. Many of those could be done by email/shared photo stream and many could have waited, rather than have them interrupt a nice evening together.

TBH, day off school, there's not much to be achieved by telling him. I would mention it when he next had contact or if it went on for a couple of days, but one day off isn't really news (especially when you have 3 DCs, it's an almost weekly occurrence!)

I just think once or maximum twice weekly contact is reasonable. Anything more and it does get needy.

Thanks Mark, I understand that it would be annoying in the middle of dinner. I suppose my reasoning is if DD was ill enough to be off school for the day I would want to know. But I do see from the other side.

November holiday probably could have waited. Discussed now because we had just paid deposit so mentally I was thinking ok ex won't be seeing kids that week better let him know. Surely the more notice the better? He may well want to go on holiday the same week and not be missing contact another week.

Embarrased that it could be seen as needy and mentally totting up how many texts have been sent that week and meeting some kind of limit!

Sounds like emails would be best for the non-urgent stuff

Another step-mum here. I think it's his loss, OP, and that's sad. I wonder whether the DC will notice the difference at all. To offer a contrast, DSD was with us at the weekend and yesterday DP received 4 negative texts about the weekend and 1 neutral text about homework for tonight. I received a text to our landline asking him to acknowledge the homework text. I say I received it because he was out when she sent it and it was one of those textsthat make the phone ring immediately. I find duplicate texts sent to the landline intrusive but I grumble under my breath and hope it's a passing phase. If DP got the type of texts you're talking about it, he'd be delighted and I would be delighted for him. Good luck changing your communication strategy, OP. As I said, his loss.

I really don't think you sound like you are doing the wrong thing from how you've described it but my feeling is that if you find you are messaging daily, perhaps just consider if some of it can be saved for a weekly email.

It really has to work for both of you so equally, his insistence on no texts at all is unrealistic.

I'm not saying this applies to you, but I think that as communication issues can form a large part of the reason children's parents split up in the first place, it's then very hard to manage how to communicate in a much more difficult situation.

In our situation (DSD does 50:50), the first two would be fine. Both parents would want to know if DSD had been ill enough to miss school and presumably was on antibiotics for something like a bladder infection. Actually they'd NEED to know about something like that for DSD to be able to move between the two homes. The school shoes is a no brainer.

The phone call for the holiday would have been an email.

The video would have been fine but again, would have been an email or stuck on Facebook so the other parent could watch it if they wanted to.

Parents' Evening - DH and Mum don't discuss this really. They go really separately. They might discuss if there was a big problem but so far so good!

The photo text wouldn't have happened.

Can I suggest a weekly email OP? So you email each other say every Friday with relevant but non-urgent information? Then all the above (bar the shoes) could be stuck into an email that he could open at his leisure, away from his new DP? Maybe at work?

I am RP. I get on v well with my ex (& hus wife) and we co-parent pretty well on the whole. However, we have had issues in the past if I have contacted him too often. He has said that he would rather I keep all the little bits of info to one message, preferably email, so he can deal with it all at once rather than receiving 3 or 4 messages in one day about different things. I am mindful of this now.

I don't tend to send pics of the kids doing things - he sees them more than EOW and does his own stuff with them.

I would message to say how one had got on in a music exam though.

If all of the messages you discuss in your OP were in one week, I'd say too many. If in one month, then probably fine.

Holiday arrangements would always be done on email - it allows him time to look at his arrangements before replying and I have agreement in writing! Neither of us ever books a holiday without running dates past the other. But we are both reasonable & try to accommodate.

Parents evening - i arrange & let him know when it is. He comes if he can. Just like your ex suggests.

I have sent similar messages to my ex - I don't think they are excessive.
I wonder why it never occurs to anyone to just switch off their phones if they don't want to be disturbed?
You don't HAVE to have your phone on the table when you are having dinner.
If I (or DP) want some time alone we switch the phones off.

I don't think having phones switched off is a solution at all. I do think it is reasonable to spend most evenings with your current partner without messages from their Ex. My DPs Ex contacts him daily and she does it because she is needing the reassurance of contact with HIM and is still a bit stuck in a husband/wife relationship tbh.

Me and DP have a child together but I don't text half as much!

I agree with Bananas.

There is a difference between not wanting to be disturbed by your phone and not wanting to be disturbed by your phone when it's your ex.

In situations where a split has not been amicable, there would usually be no reason for contact in the aftermath. There is no way on earth that (absent children) I'd be happy about DP's exes contacting him several times day, every day.

Children change that and whilst that's completely understandable, like I said earlier the necessary communication has to be managed in a way that works for both parents. One person having to turn their phone off because the other can't adapt their communication a little bit is one-sided.

Bar the shoes, it could have all be done in one email. And no need at all for the day off school.

If they're out to dinner he shouldn't be checking his phone! It's his fault not yours that his meal was interrupted.

I'm a RP and a stepmum and I think this is all ok. However I do think it's reasonable to try an keep contact to a minimum. DPs ex often has several different threads going on with him and it's a bit unnecessary...

If you have shared care I don't really understand sending photos And videos all the time. DPs ex does this and it used to bug me as I found it intrusive but DP liked it - and that made it not bug me!

Surely it comes down to whether this was considered normal level of contact before, maybe even encouraged, and then suddenly, with the arrival of new partner, it is turned around to be considered harassment.

In the end, some nrp complain their ex don't keep them in the loop enough and others don't want any contact. Personally, I would make the best of his attitude and stop giving him information, it will only make your life easier. When he complains that he didn't know about parents' evening, tell him that he is free to get in touch with the school directly.

This all sounds reasonable as long as it's regarding the children. I frequently update dsds mum about things she might need to know and have sent pictures at Halloween etc.

What I don't like is when she texts regarding borrowing money or not regarding dsd. or when she's on the phone for an hour at 8 o'clock However this all seems reasonable.

As a SM, my partner has asked his ex to send him videos of recitals and that sort of thing, which in some ways irk me because it gives her a reason to start a nasty conversation (if it was just the video etc it would be fine, and preferably during the day or via email) but I get that he wants to know about their day.
The illness part it a tough one because as nice as it is to know, what good does it do? My partner gets bummed out because he cant pop in to give them a hug better etc, as he would if he was still with his ex, but he also gets annoyed if he finds out later. (catch 22)
sorry if that wasn't very helpful

What is considered normal between parents after a split up should change when one has a serious girlfriend or boyfriend. I don't think OP that makes your EXs gf an awful person. It's just that a lot of couples with children never really move on, or only half move on, and use the children as the excuse for not separating from each other enough to be healthy for a new relationship.

Perhaps another way to look at it is, if you are finding it difficult NOT to contact your EX about the children every day, when all that communication could be bundled into one email and communcation, once a week, then there probably is a habit or need to hang on to your EX as a support for you in some way.

I don't think a step parent should be vilified for objecting to daily communication or frequent messaging/calls. My EXs gf would really hate it if I messaged him about our son most days, and I think that's fine for her to not want this. I cut down on my communication with my EX when they got together, it's natural for communication to lessen.

Wise post bananas, you've put it perfectly.

Thanks Whogives

It's an interesting post OP. I can see from your point of view, there is 'no harm' in the contact, and you seem very nice! You are posting on here and willing to hear different points of view.

However, for me this is one of the many barriers that can make being a step parent, particularly a step mum so tough that it can be unworkable. Things do need to change I think.

The kids are often used to an indulgent and guilty Dad, the husband/wife split takes many years to separate and have healthy boundaries.

It is usually the new gf/wife that has to bring up these issues. So I guess I'm appealing for the 'don't blame the messenger - or new gf/Step Mum!'.

If no one, kids or EX give room for the new relationship to develop, and it does need room, space in the house sometimes without kids there 24/7, emotional space without daily messages between split up parents - then it just doesn't have a hope in hell! And ultimately, everyone is happier if both split up people are able to form healthy new relationships.

Interesting - my DP always says "I can't control what ex sends me" but I've never thought about him asking her to back off a bit.

I think what you've sent is fine.

Im a step mum, and we've went almost 180 degrees, from the only ringing to spout bile at DH to now everything being all very friendly.

I get pics/videos sent as messages (between me and the kids mum for the most part) with added phone calls and texts to DH daily.

It gets a bit much when you know she's rang because she's bored or for something that would quite easily have been a one line text.

But I can tell you for sure that DH much prefers it this way.

Hi I'm SM and have my own (but are older). The messages are very similar to the type DSS's mum sends DH and vice versa and I'm happy with that. When we first met she text him a lot more about stuff like her car etc but now it's only about DSS which is fine. He knows he's loved by all of us and that's important but that he has one dad and one mum and the rest of us are a bonus. So texts like the ones you mention just reinforce that. It's not always easy but I respect her as a good mum and she knows I only want the best for her lad (it probably helps I've had 2 of my own).
Keep doing what you think is right as it's not about her it's about your DC.