Really interested to hear from Mums, Stepmums, anyone who shares access to DC

[Lyrasdust]

Could you look at the following examples of communication and say if you think they are unnecessary communication between parents. In other words the person sending them is just trying to initiate contact with the other adult. Also if they could have been left until another time like pick up/drop off.

A text message at 9.33am to say DD is off school that day with a bladder infection

A text message to say school shoes haven't come home with uniform that weekend. Sent at 8pm the day after contact

A phone call to discuss booking a holiday involving potentially missing contact in November of this year.

A text of a video of child taking part in a grading of a musical instrument.

A phone call to discuss making a parents evening appointment

A photo text of child dressed up in fancy dress for a party.

Thanks.

Purposely not said which side I am coming from.

"DP's ex texts on average about 4-5 times a day, plus emails, plus phone calls, and initially I found that quite hard to accept"

Don't blame you, Step. Unless a child is ill or there is some logistical issue, I would be really unimpressed with this on a regular basis.

Go NC and do it all by email. Don't tell him when parents Eve is, he's capable of finding out and making his own appointments.

Im a stepmum and being brutally honest many years ago was the OW. All of those texts and more have been exchanged between my dh and his ex. It's all fine. I equally (as dh can be rubbish) make (made dss now 17) sure she got equal stuff back so if he'd done something well in his sport or we'd forgotten something or arranged holidays is text and phone. (Disclaimer - she's one of my best friends and yes she does know o was the ow).

so what did he plan to do with the shoes if he knew he had them? Surely your DC needed them ahead of next contact?

DD is 14 now and I have very little contact or communication with her DF (they arrange everything directly) which is absolutely brilliant as far as I'm concerned.

Argh. Excuse typos. I hate not being able to edit.

Thank you all for your replies. And thank you step, I appreicate the view from the "other" side as it were!

Occasionally there is more than one text or call in the day but they really are things that I see as necessary. I judge it by what I would want to know (that one of the DC was sick, or to see them dressed up). I appreicate it could be intrusive but I wouldn't ever text when they are away or on holiday or even at dinner if I knew that.

I don't receive those texts for ex at all. DH said to me on holiday (after I sent a video of kids snorkelling and on a catamaran)he doesn't know why I bother sending photos of the kids as I never get any back when they are away which is true.

I don't know what I will do now. Probably cut it right down to only emergency. Sometimes the DC ask me to text a photo to ex (usually a Lego creation!) I'll probably preface it with a message that the photo is from DC?

I'm embarrassed to feel quite hurt actually. I thought I was long past that but it's not nice to think that ex and his partner feel I'm some annoying pest. I feel quite embarrassed to be honest, like they think I'm harassing them.

Don't feel bad, OP. They are the ones being odd. You are just being pleasant and reasonable.

When you get the urge to send nice snaps or news just text them to your family or friends instead.

I admit I'm probably a little jaded on this subject as DP's ex texts on average about 4-5 times a day, plus emails, plus phone calls, and initially I found that quite hard to accept

I have a friend who texts/rings multiple times a day and i find it really intrusive. You are not alone in feeling that way. I would find it intrusive if it was my exp contacting so often.

Another SM here who thinks these are all fine, if sent in a news-like rather than accusatory tone.

My DSS's mum sends messages like this, and tbh I wish she would send them more rather than less often. Of course DH wants to know if DSS is ill. Bizarre to think that he wouldn't.

She also sometimes sends nasty spiteful ones which upset DH. These make me cross, but I would never dream of asking DH to tell her to stop texting about DSS. These are two completely separate issues.

Well they seem fine to me.

Clearly exh/wife has some sort of issue so I'd just quit the texts as he wishes and cut it to emergency stuff only. Sad. What a twat he is.

I'm a stepmum and it all sounds fine to me. Sometimes it does feel a bit tedious with all the messaging back and forth but I wouldn't call it intrusive, it's simply the hassle of having kids living in two places.

This sounds really sad. Your ex sounds like an unpleasant person and ultimately he will be the one losing out if he wants you to stop involving him in his DC's lives. DP's ex will text things like you and I think it's lovely. From my point of view I'd much rather be with someone who's capable of co-parenting properly and can discuss things with his DD's DM when necessary (and she him).

I do think daily texts/calls are too frequent. No matter how innocent and child focused. It is a need for exchanges that is probably the issue. You could share a photo cloud where you could put up images without having to message, and save conversations about holidays and parents evenings to be bundled into one exchange or email.

I do feel for you OP. Maybe gf is jealous excessively. Maybe not. But I know that my ex's gf also found contact between us hard (and only once a fortnight or less!). And tbh, now there is Nc they are freer to be a couple. My DPs ex contacts him daily, and it because she is bored, a bit lonely, and to her DP is always on call 'because of the kids'. DP finds it intrusive and so do I.

As a stepmum, I have received very similar text messages as well as DH (more chance of me replying....) and see nothing wrong with it. All communication is welcome as it can avoid misunderstandings.
We have photos of DSS from holidays with his DM too and send her pictures back.

Oh and LabRat72 , we still occasionally get them and my DSS is nearly 21....

I share photos and videos on Flickr where he can view them if he wishes.

I would have texted for shoes as I need them back. He wouldn't care about being off school and didn't reply when a child was at A&E. He texted me when he had to take a child to hospital and quite frankly I'd rip him a new one if he hadn't told me.
He has never sent me a pic and only requested a pic when the kids went up to secondary. Luckily the kids all have gadgets that take pics so they show me holiday pics when they get back.

We had this problem for a bit, hit a peak of about 5 messages a day, very loosely related to the kids, phone calls on top. One day there were texts throughout the day AND a 45 minute phone call and I have to say I blew my top in a very unladylike way. The replies from my DH were very short and no response to them was really necessary and at that point I thought that something should have been said, but to keep the peace between the two of them I swallowed my anger. Now things aren't so hunky dory the problem has resolved itself. But OP, from a SM point of view they are all perfectly reasonable things to message about and my DP does receive pictures and videos and we both love to see them! I think your OH is being unreasonable and his wife needs to take a deep breath and get over it.

Could you try emailing him the non-urgent stuff instead? That way he won't be getting texts that maybe distract him from what he's doing so often.

And he definitely shouldn't make you feel that you shouldn't be contacting him about your children. It's his fault he forgot the shoes, it's very nice of you to consider his feelings enough to tell him about your holiday plans if they might alter the contact arrangement, it's especially nice of you to include him in parent's evening appointment making and why would he not want to know if his DD is ill??

(sorry about second post but I reread your original post and wanted to include this!)

Hello. Just to wade in. I do see both sides. I have a SD.

When you break up with your DCs dad the dynamics of the relationships change.

Everything you have txt I would say is completely reasonable. It's the sort of stuff i would send my DH throughout the day when he's at work and I'm with the kids at home. But I think when the parents aren't together that sort of stuff stops a bit. Its a shame because it's really about the kids.

Don't feel bad at all OP you were just trying to do what's best for the kids