He knew what he was getting into

[WhoGivesAFlying]

We've all heard the saying "you knew what you were getting into when you got with a man with children"....but why is it only the SM who are held accountable in most people's eyes? Surly the dad should also realise that, getting with a woman with no children or even just the fact that the woman isn't thier mum and won't have the same feelings mean they should also be held to account? Why is it that the compromise should be all on the SP.

Just musing here

I have had it said to me- by my DP.

I agree OP!

I have my own child, but we both compromise. I find DP AND his EX were still carrying on as if nothing changed after they broke up. Ex still treated him as a husband. They encouraged kids to view both houses as interchangeable. Neither wanted to change or adapt to any new rules, or even to be considerate. I moved in with DP but constantly made to feel I had no say in decor, meals, anything. The resident DSC told me 5 years later I could only have a say at table manners but nothing else.

I ended up totally confused to DP, asked him outright did he want to accept a new relationship at all?!!

My DP says it to me more regularly than I'd like. Usually when I disagree with him about something that affects me. It's a shut down 'you can't complain now, you made this decision, it's your fault' kinda thing.

I also get 'I told you not to get involved with me because I have children' like its my fault we're together and so I should shut up and get on with it!!

Obviously it's not all doom and gloom, we're going through a rough patch and I'm feeling a bit frustrated and like an unpaid nanny at times, I'd certainly like a bit more control over my own life. But then I guess it kind of is a 'chicken or the egg' scenario because the reality is, I did actually sign up for this! And when should my feelings trump how he wants to bring his kids up? Give and take is so subjective, I can't tell when I'm being unreasonable anymore!!

I had my own child that my DP had to take on, but we were all prepared to adjust, especially my DC, and I never have assumed DP to take on childcare of him without me. I've also negotiated and backed up DP in authority and parental role with my DP. I'd never turn around and say 'lump it' you follow my rules only, you knew that from the start!

These things are often a power struggle. Step parents are the ones usually given zero or little power. Kids and parent the most. That just isn't fair and doesn't work.

My DSCs followed their mum who constantly undermines my power. Tells the kids I have none in my own house. DP frightened of alienating his kids so gives them too much power.

Would be a nightmare if DH kept throwing that in my face. I actually headed it off and said to him once "I know you could say, you knew what you were getting when you got me, but thankfully you haven't said that, especially coz the same goes". I was actually quite surprised that he did a bit of a double take, as though he'd just realised the reality of that.

I think many fathers take on their new partners kids, cook, clean, look after them, drive them take them to school pick up etc because they are there permanently and that is what families do.

Then his kids come over and the SM, in many scenarios, will not do the same as the above - you can see where misunderstandings happen.

If you make an effort - great I admire you, but some of you speak of your DSCs in such a derogatory way I find it quite sad.

Then you can be my DCS SM, just make it so difficult for them to come round, to their DFs house, refuse to have them on holiday, that they have not had an ON for 1 yr, because she wants time with their Dad on her own. Ignore them/ disengage when they do go round, not speak to them and make them feel unwelcome.

In my scenario - I am their mother and will always look after them, but what in essence I also am is their free childcare, babysitter - because I do his share aswell. I pay through the nose for childcare. Going to the gym after work, is not cheap as I factor in the £7per hour child care I need, going for a child free meal with friends is £20 before I go out - ergo I do not go out often!

Not sure it is always the SM who sucks it up

lookluv didn't you know that's what you were getting into when you decided to have a child?

Nice one NZ
I just got the "you knew.... " on my most recent thread. Simply no I didn't have clue.
And quite frankly DP knew I didn't have or want kids so he shouldn't expect me to miss them, love them etc, they aren't mine.

NZmonkey - poisonous little post.
Yes I did, but at the time of having them I was in a stable relationship and their DF was a fab Dad. They were planned and plans were made as to how we would parent, work, play etc. Unilaterally and without discussion those plans got changed, I was not consulted and I adapted and took up the slack, hence why I parent properly and would never do what my EX and his DP do.

EOW and one night per week - which they refuse to do - and I do say THEY, because it is a joint decision by both of them. I cover their arses and provide them with free childcare - just like many SMs on here complain about. To me it is me looking after my DCs and I would never not do it - just a shame they do not have the same moral fibre.

It sucks whether you are the SM or the actual mother. I admire those who have not got any DCS of their own and take on someone elses kids. There is nothing fun about delaing with piss, poo, snot and tantrums when they are not your own and you have no experience of them.

There are some fab SMs out there, sadly mine did not luck out.

Like with any relationship there are BUTS - in answer to the OP, it is not always the SM who comes off worse.

lookluv And I'm not surprised many stepmums on here complain about it though.
You provide free childcare for your ex, not his partner.

You will get far more sympathy on MN though than a SM would if she was providing free childcare for her partner's ex, so at least that's something.

Lookluv surely it's your children's fathers decision not to have his children overnight? He made the joint decision with you to have children.

His new partner is not obligated to be free childcare.

I'm not a SM, I have a DP who isn't the father of my two DC, I would not dream of expecting him to be default childcare for me. I have childcare in place and he has stepped in when I need but it's always by mutual consent.

I never assume he's my default childcare.

And ex is not allowed contact with my DC.

Yes I forgo nights out, yes I spend on my DC instead of myself. It was my decision to have children and when I made that decision I understood it was a long term commitment and do it gladly.

I hate this assumption that your ex's partner should take responsibility of your kids even if ex isn't there. I'd no more expect that then expect my crazy neighbour to be my default childcare because he's always home and doesn't work and heck he knew ex and current DP and gets on with them both.

why is it poisonous for it to be said to a mother when it is said to step mothers ALL the time?
And it is not the step mothers job to provide child care for the parents. The parents choose to have a child THEY should organise the childcare between them.
Im sorry to hear in your case lookluv your plans were changed without your input.

It's very frustrating because I was told I was awful for not providing free childcare for my Dp's ex a couple of weeks ago when she wanted to change her hours at work.

It is frustrating because I know exactly what the responses would have been in DP wanted his ex to provide free childcare for him. He'd be told "his day, his problem".

Now, why in MN world should I not be able to implement that same principle?

My DD has no contact with her father and never had done. I moved in with my DP after we had been together 4 years. We agreed that we would spilt all costs and responsibilities. He very much feels a dad to her. Whilst I can understand and empathise with not wanting to take responsibility for children that are not yours. I wouldn't be with my partner if he behaved like that as it would be like trying to run two families in one household.

This post was never about not taking responsibility, it was about both understanding that BOTH partners will need to adjust, not just the SM. No family wants to split....but it happened and people move on....and when that happened things can't always be how they once were

OP, I guess it's about how much responsibility the step parent is expected to have. The parents can end up getting to a point where they become reliant and entitled and pile too much on to the stepmum just because she's there.
I have no problems at all with taking responsibility for dsd when I am required to and she is in my care. When she is with me she is treated like all of the other children in the family- I don't say things like "she isn't my daughter. She can wait until her dad gets home for her tea".

My big gripe though is that because I'm off I could be seen as default childcare provider. I don't mind doing my fair share of looking after her during school holidays so long as it's just that- fair. Why should I be expected to look after dsd the majority/all of the holidays? I'm here to cover dp's half, so her mum needs to cover her half elsewhere.

I hate it when people assume I am at home and not really doing much anyway.

EOW and one night per week - which they refuse to do - and I do say THEY, because it is a joint decision by both of them. I cover their arses and provide them with free childcare - just like many SMs on here complain about. To me it is me looking after my DCs and I would never not do it - just a shame they do not have the same moral fibre.

The way you have written that suggests you consider that your ex's DW has an equal responsibility towards your DCs as you and your ex do.
they do not have a responsibility to look after your DCs. Their father does.

He is irresponsible to not share that responsibility with you, and weak to allow himself to be controlled by his DW at the expense of his kids. It seems that many men, with whom women have several DCs, subsequently have personality changes when the relationship breaks down, and become selfish, irresponsible and weak. I'm not sure what the answer is.

You're right, you are not there to babysit...I hope your DP would at least ask you first if it's a change from the regular routine

He does ask usually but sometimes it's completely pointless if he doesn't like my answer.
I'm just glad he completely backed me up when I didn't agree to committing to picking dsd up every day after school. I think it would have caused huge problems between us if he didn't respect my decision about that. It would probably have ruined my relationship with dsd as well.

If parents want their children's stepparents to have a good relationship with their children and enjoy their children then they need to stop themselves from piling loads of big responsbilites on to their partner/ or even more importantly their ex's partner. Otherwise it becomes a chore and they wonder why the stepparent gets so fed up and doesn't dote on their child the way they expect them to.

I do not expect my EXs DP to provide childcare for his 2DCs - never said that.

So out of interest, do you never nip to the gym, shopping and leave your DCs in the house without their step father?

Yes, he should stand up for his DCs and does not. However, every weekend 1 day out, she or her DCs, have a crisis that means it would be difficult for the step kids to come over. Believe me in 3 yrs I have heard every excuse under the sun. I also know he pays the babysitter for her DCs - he let it slip one day!

It then usually comes to light that they went off for the weekend and did......., went out for the evening, nice meal, clubbing etc - so yes I am their babysitter and their free childcare.

I have childcare arrangements in place from before I met DP.

I do occasionally ask if he'll keep an eye on DC and I know he would not say no to me. He does love us.
But I'm very conscious they are not his responsibility & don't want to take advantage of him.

Besides which we managed just fine for the almost decade before I met him.

And I enjoy taking my DC with me to do stuff together.

It's usually about control I find. Lookluv it sounds like the SM has the control here.

As a SM it has been my DPs Ex that liked to be in control. I think it has ruined the relationship I had with one of my DSCs. She was 'supposed' to go to her mums regularly, holidays/weekends, as she was resident with us, but 'somehow' never spent an overnight at her mothers and all her kids would appear on holidays while I was home with the baby. When I voiced that it was too much, I wasn't an unpaid babysitter, I got a load of vitreoul and the mother told all her kids that of course they could go to our house whenever they liked, that they could take care of themselves so wouldn't have to ask first, or arrange. And worst of all that they didn't have to listen to a word I said as I wasn't their parent. She would then 'suggest' they came to us whenever her boyfriend turned up.

I got the 'you knew that I had kids' from my DP - so in the crazy situation of the kids own mother being able to abscond from parenting, without criticism from anyone, whenever she liked. Yet I, as the SM was berated by all if I dared to say that I wasn't just to be dumped on.

Yes, he should stand up for his DCs and does not. However, every weekend 1 day out, she or her DCs, have a crisis that means it would be difficult for the step kids to come over. Believe me in 3 yrs I have heard every excuse under the sun. I also know he pays the babysitter for her DCs - he let it slip one day!

It then usually comes to light that they went off for the weekend and did......., went out for the evening, nice meal, clubbing etc - so yes I am their babysitter and their free childcare.

How can you be providing "free childcare" to a women who has no responsibility for the DCs? Just because your ex chooses to leave your DCs with you and go out with his DP doesn't mean you are providing her with childcare!
You dismiss your ex's weaknesses and failures in a very short line, yet have dedicated a whole paragraph to his DPs faults. You chose poorly when you selected the man to father your DCs - but you can't blame her for that.

Lookluv But you're still not providing childcare for his partner. Him yes because he's their dad, her no because she is their stepmum which doesn't equal 3rd parent.

If my dh's exgf said she was providing ME with free childcare by looking after HER children I'd just laugh and say...."well, you knew what you were getting into when you had children with him"