He knew what he was getting into

[WhoGivesAFlying]

We've all heard the saying "you knew what you were getting into when you got with a man with children"....but why is it only the SM who are held accountable in most people's eyes? Surly the dad should also realise that, getting with a woman with no children or even just the fact that the woman isn't thier mum and won't have the same feelings mean they should also be held to account? Why is it that the compromise should be all on the SP.

Just musing here

enderwoman put it much better that me

Is that a DD he has with his new partner? What makes you think that it's a reason thay have a problem with her? (generally curious)

I meant DD (Disney Dad).
My kids are aged 9 to 14 and ex only has them when he's not at work so she doesn't get the childcare problems that some here get.

To summarise I think that he's probably never thought about how to blend his gf with the kids. This has led the kids to find her presence annoying and they are bubbling with resentment towards her that should be directed at him.

That's tough ender, I bet she doesn't feel great either.....it's good you are aware though, you can help your DC better for it

Things are not great with ex (and I don't talk to his gf). His gf is 38 (and doesn't want children) and in my opinion, some of her "mistakes" are a result of not having children rather than malicious. (I'm a nice person so giving her the benefit of the doubt) Ex should be explaining this to both parties but he's lost of the ability to see the bigger picture. So as the woman I get to pick up the slack that his Disney Parenting creates.

I look after my DSS's when my DP is working nights - a couple of months ago one of the DSS was sick on the thursday and because their mum was due to go out on the friday, all hell broke loose when I said I wouldn't have them on my own that night. Sick kids need a parent, I would have HATED being palmed off on my step mother if I had a sickness bug. My DP thought I was being melodramatic and difficult and the kids mum was fuming. Since when am I an on call nurse??

My DP says 'you knew what you were getting yourself into' all the time and it drives me up the wall. The truth is, no one knows anything until you're in that situation - every relationship is different, every step child is different, every father/mother is different, the variables are endless!! Our whole lives revolve around his children - where I live, what kind of house I can live in, what I can do with my weekends, even down to what kind of job I can realistically have because of the contact arrangements which can't happen if i'm not available to be a taxi service. I did know what I was getting into, but it doesn't stop it being seriously frustrating at times!!

ktt = proof of what i said on 1st page -how long do you figure you'll pick uop his slack,ktt ?

Probably always. I bitch and I moan, but if he could trade places with me he would - he says he'd be a mother all day long if he could! I guess it's better that I can facilitate him seeing more of his kids than have to pick up the pieces if he didn't see them. I will however be putting my foot down more and I think that he's aware that he needs to make the most of it while he can because once we have a DC or two of our own, he knows his children can't dictate our lives anymore because he has to be fair to all 3/4. Then I suppose that I have to prepare for the guilt that could come with having a child he lives with vs not being able to spend the same amount of time with my DSSs.

Step parenting is a bloody minefield and relationships are 10 times harder, if I had known from the outset how tough it would be I probably wouldn't have done it, but I love my DP and in my own way I love my DSSs. The way I see it is, the kids didn't ask for me to be in their lives and now that I am I have responsibilities to them. I can't expect to ingratiate myself into a child's life, become someone who they rely on and are comfortable around, and then back out because i'm annoyed that they take up so much time and require so much consideration.

It's a balancing act I think, that can be near on impossible to get right! The frustrations and inequality of it all is something that step parents should feel free to talk about more I think. Mostly because it's HARD to be the step parent, it's HARD to keep your mouth shut and good god is it annoying to feel like you have to scold yourself for being unimpressed because 'the children are most important'. They are, of course they are, but that does not dampen the rage that comes with the being left out of decisions and the cosy chats between DP and his ex. And the shear hatred that comes with him always giving into her and biting his tongue with her in a way he wouldn't with you!!

In response to my post.I think if you start a relationship with a man who has kids you got to understand they come as a package and he wont always be available to you. Theres plenty of childless men out there that can devote their full attention. As for the comparisson to a 'resident' step parent to non step parent there isn't.
( either sex can be resident parent not singling SMs) My DH does far for my DS that his SM and Dad even. He lives with him on daily basis from the age of 2 hes now 7. We don't get our own time together and the majority of the time we have DS during the holidays minus one week in the summer. I offered more time for holiday access but its never been taken. I really do feel the mums get the raw end of the deal. Especially as my holidays don't cover DS so i have to rely on family members for childcare. My DH doesnt complain about the lack of time he has with me or the fact DS is in he living room watching TV. I just found the post totally odd and why you would continue a relationship with someone who has these commitments.

Agree entirely with you OP - were you referring to me getting a hard time on my previous thread?!

And ktt spot on - it's so hard. Knowing the circumstances (no idea in reality how hard it would be) doesn't mean I can't be aggrieved or frustrated by it.

It was andso but not just you...it's about all the SM who are expected to suck it up and fall in line, and the dad is never expected to compromise...or the mum for that fact. It's very sad when a family splits...I wouldn't wish it on anyone (coming from a split family myself), but when you do and other partners are involved you have to take tham into consideration too, like it or not. If you don't then don't get involved.

Exactly. I find it quite irritating when parents expect their partner or even worse their ex's partner to bend over backwards for them/their children.

Yep, I moved in with my partner and he expected me to just slot into his life, not a thought that maybe he should change some of his life to fit around mine and my child's life.

Step families are give and take. They require effort, compromise, kindness and understanding. These qualities have to come from EVERYONE within the step family.

I think the reason so many blended families struggle, is because very little blending takes place! The new wife/partner just has to slot in, as the previous poster has said.

Our relationsgip changed for the better, for everyone, when I walked away and told him I'd only come back when he realised that everyones feelings/wants and needs where equal and that we didn't put his DS first all the time just because!
Our relationship is so much better now, to the point where DH is out of the country for 4 months and I have my DSS here in the week and he goes to his Mothers on the weekend, even though DSS mother still tires to take the piss like this weekend when she said she couldn't baby sit for ME
I am asked, consulted and at every stage we communicate on what is best for us all as a family (my DS, DSS, DH and I).
Yes I knew he had a child as he knew I did BUT that doesn't mean he has an automatic babysitter nor do I.

It's called respect which is how all families work, birth or blended and even in a birth family if 1 person took the piss there would be problems so don't add more problems to a blended!!

I have a DP. He has no children of his own. I have a DD who has no direct contact and v.limited indirect contact with her Dad. As stepfamilies go I guess we're in one of the simpler configurations

DP said quite a while back that he wanted a "father role" in DDs life. DD, independently, said the same.

I still never feel entirely sure where the reasonable limits lie though. I never feel comfortable assuming he will do a school pick up if I can't etc.

In all honesty I don't think either of us really knew what we were getting in to! If you've never shared parenting, or had a relationship with a child in the picture - how can you??

Looking back, I don't think that DH could ever have formed a successful relationship with a partner who had children (I just had a cat)! For him, life was all about maintaining the status quo (ie, the totally rigid access rota that ran from age 11 to starting Uni, and the 'absolutely no changes' household policy, which meant we couldn't even put a coat of fresh paint on DSS's bedroom walls) at all costs. Anything involving even a minor change was classed as a catastrophe.

There was no way that other children's lives could ever have fitted in with this.

Sadly, I don't think this sort of stance is unusual.

Yes I knew he had a child as he knew I did BUT that doesn't mean he has an automatic babysitter

Exactly! And it doesn't mean the child's other parent has an automatic babysitter either.
On dp's days those days are set every week and it's the set arranged time dsd comes here, so I am willing to have her on my own whilst he goes to work.

Anything extra, such as school holidays or her mum wants to arrange something on her contact time which would mean dsd would be here- I expect to be consulted before it is arranged, especially if I will be the one looking after dsd.

School holiday arrangements are a bit of a sore subject for me. I don't want to be default childcare provider because that's not what I signed up for, and I expect the arrangements to be fair, especially seeing as contact is 50/50. Her mum's childcare issues aren't my problem and there are other options out there for her.

Sometimes I do offer to have dsd on my own on extra days. For example it's her brother's birthday next week and I wanted to include her in his birthday celebrations.

I'm not looking forward to when they start making arrangements for February half term. I feel like if I put my foot down I will be seen as being awkward. I got lucky during the Christmas holidays because her mum was off for most of it!

I definitely agree with the principle of this thread. It has ocurred to me before to post that if the stepparent knew what s/he was getting into, then so did the other party. If you want your kids to be able to rule a household, then fine but don't bring another adult into it.

I don't understand the issue with school holidays. Surely the arrangement is between the two parents and should have been set up when separated, so before SPs are in the picture. Both parents are solely responsible for sorting out childcare during their time. Whether step-parents help with it is between them and their partner and nothing to do with the other parent?

I think there are many variations by which it would be reasonable to expect a partner to help with childcare arrangements, depending on whether they work or not for a start but ultimately, it is the responsibility of the parent which has the children during the time to sort out childcare not the other.

I'll probably get shot down in flames for this, but.....I continually read on this forum, (and other places) that children should ALWAYS be put first. Well, I disagree!
Obviously, children's safety and welfare has to be a priority, but it seems to me that young families these days (I can say that 'cos I'm getting on a bit) build their whole lives around children who are placed on unrealistic pedestals. I see/hear children telling their parents what they will and won't do/eat/wear etc, and never seeming to have do anything for themselves, or to face the consequences of their actions!
Well, there's a big, bad, nasty old world out there, with very many people whom the little darlings will have to interact with, and most of those won't think your child is the best, the cutest, the cleverest or the nicest!
There are a lot of demanding and entitled little people, who are going to have a hell of a shock when they grow up!!!

PS: And I'm probably just as guilty when it comes to my grandkids!!!

I agree Wdigin! That is my worry for my DSS's!! They have no clue whatsoever...my dp and I clash over this quite a lot - it's a minor example but it's fresh in my mind, this evening the boys were playing around with my slippers which I use to go in and out of the dogs room (at this time of the year it gets really muddy in there really quickly!) so I told them to put them back where they found them, to which I received a flat 'no, I'll put them over here where I want to because daddy didn't tell me to do it.' and 'daddy' sits there and says nothing, leaving me to do the disciplining. But apparently, it's 'pernickety' of me to make them move them from the nice clean lounge, back to the lobby where they live. God help them if they ever decide to refuse their boss because 'daddy didn't tell them they had to'!!!

Today has been a real struggle and I couldn't tell you why...everything has just got on my nerves. DP cooked a roast and huffed and puffed over the whole thing like I should be so grateful. I cook most Sunday roasts, usually while he sleeps on the sofa or watches a film with the kids, it's not rocket science!! It also doesn't take much to set the table, no I dont know how much leek you're going to want and no I don't want to make the gravy because you moan it's too thick EVERY WEEKEND.

Littlest DSS takes the longest toilet breaks known to childkind. Today he decides he doesn't want to wipe himself, he can't get off the loo because he's 'hurt his leg' (probs gone dead because he's been sat on the loo for half an hour doing nothing!), he doesn't want me to do it, he'll only have his dad. Then I get grumbles from DP that he has to come all the way downstairs to sort it out when I'm already there and could do it - so I'm going to force the kid to let me wipe his butt?? Probably not.

And now I get up and make him a cup of tea - I get back in the living room and he's gone to bed. At 8pm?! Give me strength.

Ktt, that would drive me mad!

OP, I think it is the most pointless, hurtful and totally unhelpful phrase ever said. Fortunately no-one has ever said it to my face!
It's bizarre that no-one says this to parents who chose to split up in the first place - after all they knew what they were getting into when they decided to end the relationship even though they had kids.
In fact, if someone is going to say it, why not say it to anyone who chooses to have kids - after all we all know that about 45-50% of marriages end up in divorce - on those statistics there is a 50% chance that if you have a child with person x, you'll split up and one of you is bound to want a new relationship which will bring another person into the mix, then more children maybe...
Sadly it's just a stupid phrase trotted out to bash someone for someone else's feelings of inadequacy - if someone really wanted to help they'd offer help, not offer a smart comment about crystal-ball gazing/knowing every possible outcome in the future that is no help whatsoever!
Has anyone actually had this said to their face?