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Original poster

He knew what he was getting into

109 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 09:56

We've all heard the saying "you knew what you were getting into when you got with a man with children"....but why is it only the SM who are held accountable in most people's eyes? Surly the dad should also realise that, getting with a woman with no children or even just the fact that the woman isn't thier mum and won't have the same feelings mean they should also be held to account? Why is it that the compromise should be all on the SP.

Just musing here

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Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 13:01

I don t have the dsc on my own, I have in tha past and thier behaviour and attitude means I won't again. I tried a few more times but nothing changed. As soon as DH is out of sight it's like Jekyll and Hyde, totally different kids and I just don't feel confident. I have my own ds to look after

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CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:09

Yes I can imagine it being hard work having to look after your Dss when you don't have your own children Petal.
Did it feel like it took away the freedom that having no children of your own gives you? I mean, my life revolves around my children and I have very little time to have any "me time". But that's because I'm their mum!
Why should a woman's life revolve around her partner's children in the same way?

CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:10

Just realised the first sentence in my above sentence sounds a bit patronising! Not my intentions at all! Blush

CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:14

Above post, not sentence.

Petal02 · 15/01/2016 13:14

No offence taken! He didn't really take much looking after as such (he was 11 when I met DH), he just wanted to spend all day watching TV or using his X-box, but he was very quiet, didn't really speak, and it made me very uncomfortable in my own home. It was completely different when DH was around.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 13:19

One thing I can say, before I had my own ds I did wonder if I was asking too much of the dsc (take plates out, help out etc), now I realise I wasn't and I expect that of my own DC

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CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:22

Yeah I get what you mean. Even though he didn't take much looking after, it probably still felt like you couldn't truly relax. Like you say, different when your DH is at home.

CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:26

WhoGives Yeah I know that as well! I guess you feel more uncomfortable asking them to help with chores because you feel like you're bossing someone else's child around. Same with telling them off- I had to raise my voice last night at Dsd and I did feel uncomfortable doing so, but I tell my own children off so why shouldn't I do the same with Dsd if all the children are equal?!

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 13:28

I remember once suggesting that DSS (13 at the time) push the Hoover around the front room, boy did that cause an argument. We soon stop that redcarpet behaviour though from DH.

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Sunbeam1112 · 15/01/2016 13:29

Because children should be a priority if the parents are together or not. We always think of the children before ourselves and its the way it should be that should equally be the same of the parents aren't together aswell. I don't think a dicussion should be made an mutal decision if your DP wants his kids you should respect that. I know one of my children has had been poorly in hospital and my ex has taken DS (he had only got married on the friday and it was the same weekend that had just married) he didnt even hesitate to say no.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 13:31

And I mean an argument because DH didn't think he should!

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CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 13:33

Sunbeam who is your post in response to?

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 13:42

sun in a situation like that, I don't think any would say no (hopefully)

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PrettyBrightFireflies · 15/01/2016 14:24

We always think of the children before ourselves and its the way it should be that should equally be the same of the parents aren't together aswel

Yes, which means that a stepparent who is resident in the house a child spends time in should be informed and consulted about when the child is in their home, too, in order to ensure that they ARE being put first.

Take, for instance, my DHs youngest. He is scared of birds. I know this, and so wouldn't agree to care for my friends parrot on a weekend I knew my DHs DS was scheduled to be here. But, if I'd agreed to look after the parrot on a child-free weekend, only to be faced with a hysterical child and angry DH because he'd agreed to have his Ds for an extra weekend without telling me - the child is definitely not being put first.
Any adult in the home is accountable for the safety and welfare of a child in their home. It's not reasonable to place that responsibility onto an adult without asking them first.

Babyorjob · 15/01/2016 14:26

Completely agree OP.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 14:38

Well put pretty

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Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 14:42

cant I think it's in response to my op?

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CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 15:08

I know OP that's why I asked because I thought it might have been in response to me when I said "Why should a woman's life revolve around her partner's children in the same way it revolves around her own children?"

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 15:48

It could be :) how dare you have a life!

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CantWaitforWarmWeather · 15/01/2016 16:41

I know how dare me have a life! I was once told off on this forum for not wanting to take Dsd to dancing lessons every other Saturday when dp was working! This is a hobby that her mum booked by the way.
Then there was a thread where a new mum was on maternity leave and didn't want to look after her Dsd now that she was off work. Again she got called for that as well.
I wanted to pick my Ds up from school on his first day and want impressed when DP had arranged to have his Dd that day so I thought I was going to have to pick her up as well. I didn't end up having to in the end luckily.

It's amazing how entitled some parents can be when it comes to expecting their partner/ their ex's partner to make their children the centre of their universe Grin

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 16:53

Well....you knew what you were getting into Grin.

Seriously though why does no one ever say that about the non-resident dad ? I have said to my DH in the past that sometimes that's the way it has to be if you Split from thier mum. It can't be all how it was and now other people are involved, and if you want them in your life, you need to take them into account too!

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swingofthings · 15/01/2016 17:05

I once dated a guy who had two children who said that he had made the decision to only date single women with children because they understood better his commitment to his children. He had two bad relationship with women who made him feel that he was stripped of his role as dad as they were both on a mission to make him raise his children as they considered they should be raised.

So yes, I do agree, some men are responsible also to chose to share their lives with women who think they are better equipped to know how their children should be raised or can't understand why they have to get only a part of his affection.

What does puzzle me though is that even in real life (because we know that men are much less likely to go on a public forum and share their frustrations to stangers), men seem as a whole to fit much more naturally into the role of step-father than step-mum, despite the fact that in most cases, they have to make even bigger sacrifices and compromises.

Not a dig at SMs in any way, but I do think that it is because men seem to go into relationships as a whole with less expectations, don't try as hard to make things work, and are more comfortable going with the flow, and when things get too much, they have no issues leaving mum to get on with things and stepping away from it all.

enderwoman · 15/01/2016 17:33

I have noticed that step mums and step dads get completely different treatment but so do women and men when relationships break down.

When I broke up with ex because of his affair, he certainly didn't suffer the shame that I did as a woman. I have heard plenty of negative comments about his gf (the ow) but not about ex. Ow was single btw.

He has the kids one night a fortnight and I'd bet any money that nobody has judged him for this. If the roles were reversed then people would say that I was a bad mum.

I think women have lower expectations than men when they take on a partner to be a step parent to their kids. I am shocked how many step mums are looking after step kids while dads work away ( especially when there's no sibling reason). I think it's much less common for mums to delegate childcare responsibility to the step dad in the same way. I don't mean step dads don't do childcare - I mean in my experience stepdads are not expected to take up the stepchild childcare slack at a moment's notice in the same way that step mums are.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 15/01/2016 17:35

I think that's because people expect SM to be naturally mothering and take on a maternal role, to love them like thier own. Where as a step dad is seen to leave that to mum.

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enderwoman · 15/01/2016 17:39

I can't help but wonder how much bad press step mothers get are as a result of step mums picking up the slack by Disney dads . (I'm not saying all NRP parents are Disney dads ) My ex is a Disney Dad and I think that the problems that my kids have with his partner are a result of his DD behaviour.