DSS started calling me mummy

[GreenGoth89]

My nearly 4 y/o DSS came home from a weekend with his maternal grandparents and as soon as he came in the door he started calling me mummy. Now when he was much much younger he would call me mummy once after seeing her but then not again (he saw her for the first time in 9/10 weeks this weekend and I've been told she barely gave him much attention). He did this in front of the his grandparents (who actually didn't see a major problem with it considering his mother hardly sees him any more and is more interested in her violent partner than her son - their words not mine). He continued until he went to bed, and I spoke to my partner about it - he's ok with it too because the way he sees it I am his mum. I'm ok with it in theory (he grew up with step parents but had constant contact with both parents so never called step parents anything other than their name but there were no other issues with either parent), but if his mum finds out she will go ape and start causing major issues. I want to keep the peace with her because I want to gain PR once me and DP are married (not even engaged yet, we would be already but money is very tight right now) and I would like to be able to get her to agree to this amicably rather than having a lengthy CAFCAS involvement. I don't like what she does, and I understand she is in a vulnerable position but she does seem to want to distance herself from her own son, which I just can't understand. I do not want her to have no relationship with him, but we (her parents and me and DP) have all said we won't be making further efforts in future, she will have to do it herself next time.

What do I do? Do I let him or do I get him to keep calling me by my name?

Fair enough Mascara, and I agree with you there.

Nobody said it absolutely HAS to be the case but anyone with an ounce of maturity would be totally accepting of the child seeing them as a parent figure!

If you marry someone with a child that is what are are recognised as legally- a step parent. It is the definition. It is like trying to say ' I am not an aunt' when your sibling has a child. You may not want the role, you may not have anything to do with them but you can't get away from the fact that you are classed as their aunt.

Of course you don't have to have them call you 'mummy' and you don't have to let the child take the lead, but many women would find it very difficult to reject a small child who desperately wants a mother. I wouldn't do it to them.

If you marry someone with a child that is what are are recognised as legally- a step parent. It is the definition

I do t know which part of the world you are in, but there's no such thing as a 'legal stepparent' in the UK.
It is NOT a label that is defined in law, here.

I think you are splitting hairs.
It may not give legal rights but everyone knows exactly what a step parent means in the same way they understand the terms cousin, second cousin, once removed, uncle, great aunt etc etc. You do not have to even meet your second cousin once removed but that is what you are!
You will look pretty silly if you say ' that is not my step mother, that is my father's wife'- I would just smile, nod and ignore thinking 'exactly- a step mother'. ( I would assume you had issues that I don't want to know about)

When my husband married me he got my son for life - that was not an option! My son is an equal part of the family and he will be welcome in our house for my entire life- whenever he wants to come. We have 3 children ( even though they are adult children and don't live with us) and my DH does not just have his 2- neither do his extended family. Luckily DH sees it this way or I would have never married him had he refused to be a step father.

mehitabel - you were the one who mentioned "legally" - so I don't think I'm the one splitting hairs.

I admit, I'm not hung up on labels - i still refer to DH as my "partner", not my husband, and his DCs are definitely not my stepchildren, and they would never describe themselves as such. My own mum called her MIL "Mum" and I had a plethora of uncles and aunts when I was growing up who were no blood relation at all.

That said, I think that for young DCs, the label of mum and dad do take on added significance.
Given the apparent rejection of the OPs DSC by his "mum", I think that he would benefit from some play therapy to explore his feelings - and the OPs role and label can be explored.

Securing PR for a stepDC can be complicated - and unlike a PP - I do not think it is something to be taken lightly.

You will look pretty silly if you say ' that is not my step mother, that is my father's wife'- I would just smile, nod and ignore thinking 'exactly- a step mother'. ( I would assume you had issues that I don't want to know about)

That's just you being ignorant :)
If they say "that's my father's wife", then that's what they are. Who are you think otherwise? People are different and the sooner you get to grips with that the better for you really, so you can get over it.

My dad is with a lovely partner, soon to be wife. She isn't my mum stepmum now and she won't be when they marry. But she's fab and like a friend to me. No mum label necessary, but ignorant folk like you would think otherwise.

My mum got with her partner when I was a lot younger. Never seen him as a dad and never will. Hopefully he's never had to think of me as a daughter because that's not who I am.

Finally, my DH has a child who he had before he met me. Again, just like my own parent's partners aren't parents to me, I'm not a parent to my DH's child. I call him my DH's son.

I wouldn't have married DH if he was referring to DS as my son, as if he had nothing to do with him, his parents and siblings.
I used 'legally' in the wrong way ,but it is the definition. A Will would say 'I leave. .....to my step son X.
DS calls DH first name but if people don't know his he says ' My step dad'- he doesn't say ' My mother's husband ' because that implys the relationship is just through me and he doesn't have a personal one of his own.

mehitabel there's nothing wrong with anything you've described - but equally, it's not the only "right" way.

I wouldn't dream of dictating to DHs parents that they should accept her as a member of their family as a condition of their DS marrying me.
Similarly, I wouldn't expect my DD to develop an independent relationship with DH unless she wanted to, and if she wants to describe him as "her mums partner/husband", then that's up to her!

I've read the OP and the first reply and had to respond.

You're not engaged because money is tight? I assume you mean the cost of a ring? If you want to get married, get married. It doesn't have to cost thousands. Register office, normal meal out, gold band. Done. It might not be what you imagined but ask yourself what is more important.

Regarding the comment about how he has a mum, you're not it, you only get one. Bollocks. I've called more than one person mum in my life and if I hadn't have been allowed too my already sad childhood would have been a lot worse and I didn't even live with a biological parent.

Please let him do what he wants. He's a small child who is probably confused and seeking stability. Calling you mum gives him it.

We are way off OP who wants to be an active step parent and a small child who wants a mum.
Everyone is different. In my case I would dictate because I couldn't have contemplated more children if DS1 wasn't to be treated as a equal member of the family . All cases are different. As long as everyone involved is happy it doesn't matter.

Not that I had to dictate- it was just natural in our case. I made sure that DS spent plenty of time alone with DH before we married to make sure it was best for DS.