DSS started calling me mummy

[GreenGoth89]

My nearly 4 y/o DSS came home from a weekend with his maternal grandparents and as soon as he came in the door he started calling me mummy. Now when he was much much younger he would call me mummy once after seeing her but then not again (he saw her for the first time in 9/10 weeks this weekend and I've been told she barely gave him much attention). He did this in front of the his grandparents (who actually didn't see a major problem with it considering his mother hardly sees him any more and is more interested in her violent partner than her son - their words not mine). He continued until he went to bed, and I spoke to my partner about it - he's ok with it too because the way he sees it I am his mum. I'm ok with it in theory (he grew up with step parents but had constant contact with both parents so never called step parents anything other than their name but there were no other issues with either parent), but if his mum finds out she will go ape and start causing major issues. I want to keep the peace with her because I want to gain PR once me and DP are married (not even engaged yet, we would be already but money is very tight right now) and I would like to be able to get her to agree to this amicably rather than having a lengthy CAFCAS involvement. I don't like what she does, and I understand she is in a vulnerable position but she does seem to want to distance herself from her own son, which I just can't understand. I do not want her to have no relationship with him, but we (her parents and me and DP) have all said we won't be making further efforts in future, she will have to do it herself next time.

What do I do? Do I let him or do I get him to keep calling me by my name?

If only it could be just left at that. "leave it to the parents". Because I bet that a lot of the people who say that also think the stepmum should do their fair share of school runs/ looking after the children when parents are at work/ and just generally bend over backwards. Because if they actually did just leave it to the parents then they'd be told off for that as well.

If you have a child with you for significant amounts of time you can't 'just leave it to the parents'. I think that some people like to keep them at a distance as 'dad's gf or dad's wife' - rather than a person who has a strong personal relationship with them and is going to be there for life.
OP seems to be doing a great job and very committed and yet people persist in thinking she can't be long term. No one goes around telling natural parents they must marry.

If you have a child with you for significant amounts of time you can't 'just leave it to the parents' .

Of course you can. My DD lives with me and DH half the time - he does not have, and never has had, a parental role in her life - either emotionally or practically.

She's never been left in his sole care overnight, he doesn't see her off to school in the morning, he has never been a "taxi service" for her (although has come along for the ride on occasions when I have been), if he is going to be home when she is here without me I always check that is he happy to be the "responsible adult".
They don't hug, kiss goodnight, she doesn't turn to him with her problems (except Maths her homework at my suggestion because he's better at it than me.)

She has learnt huge amounts from him as he has shared life experiences with her, he has joined in debates and discussions, he has witnessed her teenage rantings and has dispaired of her untidiness.

He is an "additional trusted adult" but he has a supporting role in her upbringing, he has not, and never will be, her parent.

Nowt wrong with being an additional adult :)

I certainly wouldn't take in a man with a child unless I had my own, good, relationship with the child and if that child is in my house I am in charge.
I would leave it to the child, if they are 4 yrs old and want a goodnight kiss and cuddle of course I would. I certainly wouldn't kiss and cuddle my own and treat them differently. Obviously if the child didn't want to then I wouldn't.
I can't see how a child can be harmed by extra love from extra people.

Let your DSS call you mummy. You never encouraged it. He sees you as his mummy. He probably thinks he has two mummies. If his mother has a problem with it, she needs to look within to figure out why her young son has bonded so well with the op. It's not as if this is a bad thing for him, he is obviously craving a mother figure. How dreadfully sad!

What the pp said: This child is craving love and attention. He sees the op as his mother figure.

There is no reason why not esp if his DF and DGPs approve. Nice to think someone loves him. He's going to understand in a year or two the difference between a bio and step parent anyway, but no reason why he can't continue to call you Mummy even the if he wants. Why should it be Daddy and instead of Mummy?

Plenty of children have more than one mother figure.

My DC who is three calls me a variety of names on the mummy theme, including Mumo, Mama and Poo-poo face, according to mood! Doesn't detract from the fact that I am his main carer.

my kids have 6 grandparents, doesn't seem to confuse them at all, we still talk about my bio dad.
I have 2 dads a bio one i don't talk to and one who cares about me.

My DCs have 6 grandparents- they know who is who, but the grandparents treat them equally.
DH is step father to the eldest but I wouldn't have had more children if he were going to treat them differently. I was often out so of course DH was responsible for them all if he was the only parent around. DS called him by his first name- that was his choice.
The more people who love your child the better for them! This little boy is craving love and a mother figure- I doubt anyone could be hard hearted enough to reject him.

Don't get the problem with having 2 mummys as long as it's not to distance the bio mum. Especially in this case when the poor child is probably desperate for a mum.

My DP is papa to my dd, ex is fine with that. I'd be fine if she chose to call his partner mummy too - doesn't mean she loves me less, I don't need to be jealous.

Yes but it's this expectation that in every family a woman should be accepting of and embrace being called mummy by their partner's children. Sometimes they won't actually want to be a mummy to them as well as the child's mum. So sometimes there is something wrong with the child having "2 mummies".

When you get a partner with a child you get the child too. If you don't want the child then walk away early.
You don't have to be called 'mummy' if you don't want to be.

Then in my opinion they shouldn't get involved with someone with a young child. It might be different when a child is older and you can be more of a friendly adult but most small children want to be loved and if you can't treat them like your own then I don't think you should get involved.

When DH married me he got my child and he was step father to my child. It wasn't optional! He was going to have to play games with him, give him lifts, tell bedtime stories etc etc - all the things you do when you are a family with children. Treat him the same as our other children.

To be clear my comment is in relation to mascaras

I'm not disputing that, but is the "mummy" label necessary in every case?
Of course it's not!

Exactly Disney - the child comes first and shouldn't live with someone who doesn't get involved and only tolerates them. It doesn't matter how much I loved the person they would have to go if it didn't suit my child. I am adult and I can deal with heart break - my child shouldn't have to.

Of course it isn't. DS calls DH by his first name .

We are getting away from OP where child wants to call her mummy, she is happy but just worried about other people.

You can do all of those things for the child but it doesn't automatically mean you are their parent. That term is just used too loosely.

Step parent is in the word. Of course DH has to be parent. Does he look after our joint children and treat the eldest differently? what happens when I am not at home?
In OP's case she is the parent- the bio mother isn't.

Mascara, I can see your points but I'm not sure they exactly fit with the OP's situation.

My two cents would be to let it slide- this sounds like a little boy in need of gallons of reassurance and if his using the word "mummy" helps that, then I say let the little mite use it.

Like I said that term is used too loosely. It doesn't apply to all families. Maybe not in your case because your DH seems happy with being called stepdad. But I don't go around calling myself a stepmum, because to me that's not who I am.
Why is that so difficult to comprehend?

Diggum I know, this thread has slightly drifted a bit. I was just responding to the comments that were implying that every person who gets in to a relationship with a parent should let their partner's child call them mum/dad and let the child take the lead.