DSS started calling me mummy

[GreenGoth89]

My nearly 4 y/o DSS came home from a weekend with his maternal grandparents and as soon as he came in the door he started calling me mummy. Now when he was much much younger he would call me mummy once after seeing her but then not again (he saw her for the first time in 9/10 weeks this weekend and I've been told she barely gave him much attention). He did this in front of the his grandparents (who actually didn't see a major problem with it considering his mother hardly sees him any more and is more interested in her violent partner than her son - their words not mine). He continued until he went to bed, and I spoke to my partner about it - he's ok with it too because the way he sees it I am his mum. I'm ok with it in theory (he grew up with step parents but had constant contact with both parents so never called step parents anything other than their name but there were no other issues with either parent), but if his mum finds out she will go ape and start causing major issues. I want to keep the peace with her because I want to gain PR once me and DP are married (not even engaged yet, we would be already but money is very tight right now) and I would like to be able to get her to agree to this amicably rather than having a lengthy CAFCAS involvement. I don't like what she does, and I understand she is in a vulnerable position but she does seem to want to distance herself from her own son, which I just can't understand. I do not want her to have no relationship with him, but we (her parents and me and DP) have all said we won't be making further efforts in future, she will have to do it herself next time.

What do I do? Do I let him or do I get him to keep calling me by my name?

i agree with LetGo and Unimaginative, get married, fight the custody fight, and then you'll really have more entitlement, because at the moment the bio mum is still involved and I'm not entirely convinced there isn't an element of proving yourself to be the better woman in this. Mums are long term, if your DP turns around and cheats on you tomorrow, are you going to still want to be involved? You have to think through all of these things if you're adopting a child.

I don't see why he can't call both of you mummy. How do you think it could get back to the ex? Does she speak to him on the phone?

Of course it is rejection to tell him that he can't call you mummy when he clearly wants to. Anyone can give birth- it takes a lot more than that to be a mother. No need to encourage it but no need to reject it. Leave it to the child.

The only feelings that really matter in this case, given that the mother is not the woman who looks after and loves her child, are the child's. Tough shit if she doesn't like it. If you aren't a good mummy and your child calls someone else mummy because they are good to them then it's time to revaluate your life and why your child does not see you as their mummy, not spit your dummy out at the child's step mum. Please don't reject this little boy OP he obviously loves you very much and wants you to be his mummy. Fuck anyone who says you are not his mum because you didn't give birth to him - blood is definitely not thicker than water in this case

I wish that people would put the child first- he is the one that matters!

Leave it to the child.

And what if someone in the op's position just happens to be uncomfortable with it for whatever reason? should that person just suck it up and accept other people (in this case the child) determining what makes that person "them"? That doesn't sit right with me, sorry.

Don't take on someone with kids if you don't want the possibility of their children looking up to you as a parent figure

The OP doesn't sound like she doesn't want him to, she sounds like she's worried about doing the wrong thing for him, which sounds like someone who cares very much about him.

MummyZelc So basically if you get with someone with children you have to consider whether they might call you "mummy" one day?
The child looking up to you because you're their stepparent, fine. You can have a great relationship that way and be an additional adult in their life. That's what I signed up for. But to be mum, even if his mum wasn't around, nah.

How useful is it really to make generalised comments? Every step/blended family situation is SO different, there are hundreds of variants: age of children, existence of step/half siblings, living arrangements, relationship between parennts, age the children were when you knew them, effectiveness of the parenting on both sides...

Why not just focus on this post rather than saying what 'should' happen in every case.

Mascara. Yes. I think the parent of the child would be mad to get together with someone who's so selfish that they're only willing to be 'an additional adult' in their child's life. You can't be in a relationship with a parent and be just another adult unless it is a very casual relationship, in which case it probably shouldn't be conducted in front of the child.

For example, I'd say it would be naive to marry a widower with a very young child without being willing to take on some kind of mothering role. But totally different if you marry a man who has a teenage DSC who you see every other weekend and who has a perfectly fine relationship with their own mother.

That's exactly what I am saying - especially if you then go on to give birth to a young child's half siblings who obviously call you mummy. The term is 'step mum' not 'step additional adult'

And back here in the real world, not everyone calls themselves a stepparent!

If you don't want to ever be called a step parent then don't enter a serious relationship with someone who is already a parent!!

You really can't speak for everyone with that ridiculous comment.
Some people end up being a parental figure and call themselves a stepparent.
Some people end up being more of a friend figure and like I said, an additional adult in the child's life.

Mascara what if your DP ended up with full custody of the child(ren) ?

What toddler said.
Or what if the poor children lost their mother to some serious illness or accident? Would they have to remain motherless forever because you want to be an additional adult? Lovely.
Nobody said it has to be the case but in these circumstances that little boys biological mother is a shit mother and he is looking to the OP for a mother figure. And any loving 'step parent' or even 'additional adult' should be more than willing to step up

I have yet to see any reason why a child can't have 2 mummies.

From the child's point of view 2 mummies is fine. It is the adults who are getting uptight.

Firstly, I agree, you have to be very sure you and DP are in this for the long haul before committing to his DS any further! Also, why don't you just go and get officially married, if that will assist in gaining PR....or even full adoption if that seems a reasonable way forward?
This child is obviously feeling the lack of a mummy so, as you are in that role for him, he is naturally going to want you to be the mother figure! Have you thought of other versions of mummy, like mammy or mama, with your name attached, maybe that will work for your DSS, and not antagonise his BM?
Good luck, you sound like you're doing a good job!

You can't be in a relationship with a parent and be just another adult unless it is a very casual relationship, in which case it probably shouldn't be conducted in front of the child.

So it's up to the stepparent to 'be a parent', as opposed to 'a trusted adult' - irrespective of the DCs feelings and opinions?

Or are you saying that every stepmum should enter into a relationship prepared to be a parent, but to be led by the DC and accept the situation if the DC keeps their distance and their expected parental role is not welcome?

Pretty, I think probably your second paragraph. But as a PP pointed out, it very much depends on the age of the children, and the relationship with the birth mother. So, if your step kids live with their father and you enter into a relationship with him, even if they are 11,12,13, they will still require some parenting from you, whether they like it or not. That role will grow and develop (you can't enforce it from day 1), but it does need to be a goal not just 'oh well, can't be bovved, they're not mine'. If your step kids are the same age and only spend EOW with their Dad, and their Mum is their main parent, obviously you would have a different role. If it's EOW and the children are 2 and 4, there is much more of a parental role there.

ToddlerTantrums Well seeing as my relationship with my DH's child has already been established as more of a close friend one and also the fact that he is 10 years old, it wouldn't make a difference if he was here EOW or suddenly 7 days a week every week. The fact is he has a mum and she is a terrific mum to him. She's not going to neglect him any time soon or at any point for that matter.
And if God forbid something happened to her, he would still remember her as his only mum, and nobody can fill those boots and nor would I force him in to accepting me as his replacement mum. It wouldn't be in his best interests!
Of course I do a lot of "parental" stuff for him if that's what you want to call it. I personally don't see myself as parenting him- looking after him and helping to raise him alongside his parents as an additional adult yes. But not a parent and never will be.

Merry - plenty of women whose children have stepmums disagree with you. Every time a stepparent posts to get advice about DSC issues/behaviour on AIBU / Relationships or whatever there are always plenty of people posting things like 'you're just their dad's girlfriend' 'leave it to their parents to do the parenting' 'it's nothing to do with you' etc.