DSS started calling me mummy

[GreenGoth89]

My nearly 4 y/o DSS came home from a weekend with his maternal grandparents and as soon as he came in the door he started calling me mummy. Now when he was much much younger he would call me mummy once after seeing her but then not again (he saw her for the first time in 9/10 weeks this weekend and I've been told she barely gave him much attention). He did this in front of the his grandparents (who actually didn't see a major problem with it considering his mother hardly sees him any more and is more interested in her violent partner than her son - their words not mine). He continued until he went to bed, and I spoke to my partner about it - he's ok with it too because the way he sees it I am his mum. I'm ok with it in theory (he grew up with step parents but had constant contact with both parents so never called step parents anything other than their name but there were no other issues with either parent), but if his mum finds out she will go ape and start causing major issues. I want to keep the peace with her because I want to gain PR once me and DP are married (not even engaged yet, we would be already but money is very tight right now) and I would like to be able to get her to agree to this amicably rather than having a lengthy CAFCAS involvement. I don't like what she does, and I understand she is in a vulnerable position but she does seem to want to distance herself from her own son, which I just can't understand. I do not want her to have no relationship with him, but we (her parents and me and DP) have all said we won't be making further efforts in future, she will have to do it herself next time.

What do I do? Do I let him or do I get him to keep calling me by my name?

How about you say call me Mum but so and so is your Mummy?

My nephew calls my mum, mum and his mum - mummy.

My baby (who is now just 3) calls his best friend's mother "Mum" because that's what his best friend calls her. I don't mind. I know this isn't the same, but 3 isn't that much younger than 4 and they just like to feel secure with people, IMO and IME.

People are saying he's only 4. He's only a baby so let him call you mummy. It would be cruel to tell him not to.

Well he won't be 4 forever will he? So is this a temporary thing to comfort him or does it carry on forever?
His mum is still around. As much as she isn't behaving brilliantly she's still around. What if she changes her ways?

I think the advice on this thread is pretty poor tbh.

I would never let my children call another man "dad". Whether their dad is in life or not. And I would be devastated if they called another woman "mum".

4 is an important developmental age in emotional terms, Mascara. Up to and at this age, children are still likely to fully take on board and integrate it into their psyche if they believe they're being rejected by adults whom they trust and love.
AFter 4, this is less likely (although can still happen up until age 7).
7 is said to be the age of reason - because by then you can pretty much explain to them what's what without them absorbing a "you don't love me" message that you may never have meant.

it sounds like you're his mummy. She's made the decision not to be her son's mummy so it's great that someone wants to be.

I would also suggest that you and your DP get hitched in the cheap if that helps. Just pop down the registry office with a couple of chums and get it done - you can always have an all-singing all-dancing bash at a later date.

So telling him to call her by her name is rejecting him then? Honestly I've never heard such garbage. She can still be an important figure in his life, nurture and show affection to him without the title of "mummy".
You're right 4 is an important developmental age emotionally. I have a 4 year old myself so it's not like I have no experience of a child at this age and stage of development. That's why I would never want to confuse my child.
The OP has the opportunity to play a great part in this child's life I know that. But the mummy label is unnecessary.

I think people are projecting here.

If he had a loving, involved Mum, I would agree with very gently discouraging it. But he doesn't.

The woman who cares for him most in terms of all the day to day stuff is the OP, so it's obvious why he's made that leap. If he wants to call you Mummy, let him.

Of course people can have two mummies - there are all sorts of different shapes of families. Kids have no trouble with having Grandma Smith and Grandma Brown / Grandma Kate and Grandma Sue - and happily address each as Grandma when they are together. No reason at all why your DSS shouldn't have mummy Sarah and mummy Vicky or whatever. So long as you are honest that she is the bio mum and don't try to cut her out there's nothing amiss.

I would hate the thought of my children calling anyone else Mummy BUT I live with and care for my children.
Only being able to have one mummy is a ridiculous idea. There are plenty of people who are being brought up by non biological 'parents'

I think you should allow him to call you it, but still refer to yourself as your name and have the other adults in his life do it too.

"So telling him to call her by her name is rejecting him then?"

Yes, pretty much. It's saying "I'm not your mummy" - but he has no other involved mummy, just the one who he sees periodically when she can be bothered - so that is likely to give him a very clear message that women don't want to be his mummy, not his own mother, and not his stepmother.

I think the fact he did it straight after seeing his real mum and not having a great time with her, is very telling. I agree with posters saying he wants a mummy, and was hurt by his time with his mum, and is calling you that, as you fulfill that role for him.

I think it would be cruel to 'correct' him, as long as you and dh refer to yourself as the other pet name you have and don't reinforce the mummy word. Keep telling him how much you love him and shower him with affection so he feels loved.

Adopted kids have 2 mums. Kids with lesbian parents have 2 mums. At the end of the day, it is a name which signifies a lot of different things. You are his mummy in practise, she was his mummy at birth. It is not uncommon She doesn't really see him enough to warrant kicking off about this.

I don't understand why some posters think this is so awful. He's so young, not even four years old, and his birth mother is completely disinterested. He wants to call his step mother "mummy" because she is his mother figure. Poor little boy.

I don't understand the "raised by step parents" thing though. Did you mean foster parents OP?

Oh wait, you mean DP grew up with step parents? I understand now.

How ridiculous that a small child can not call one of his primary care givers mummy. His own mother has made choices in her life that means she is unable to be that caregiver. So toughshit sugar. She has no right to be upset I am afraid. She gave up that right when she made the choices she did.

And my dd has 2 dadddies. She chose to call my dp daddy at a similar age. She still sees her biological father and has done since she was a baby. He was pissed off too. But her desire to call my dp daddy came first. He gave up the right to be the only daddy wgen the choices he.made to financially, emotionally, sexually and physically abuse me meant I left him. The fact that he has never supported her financially whereas my dp has unquestionably also means that him tellinge she wasn't was received with a laugh and a fuck off.

Unless the child is being forced to call someone else mummy or daddy then they should be free to call an important person in their life whatever they feel comfortable with.

Give him a squeeze from me and let him call you whatever he wants op.

OPs partner was brought up with step parents, not the little boy.

In this situation I would find it hard to worry about the feelings of a woman that has no interest in her not even 4 year old child. let him call you mummy and she can be mum

"He has a mother."

But she's not behaving like a 'Mummy' by the sound of it....

"he saw her for the first time in 9/10 weeks this weekend and I've been told she barely gave him much attention"

Unless she is ill then this is incredibly sad.

I agree with others, OP. He sounds like he wants to call someone mummy. If it's going to cause big dramas then a mummy-type name might be a good compromise, as others have said.

BTW, presumably DSS does not see his mother unsupervised if she is with a violent man?

you've got to think through the full life implications of this. I've got family experience of this and although it's flattering for you to be called mummy and you are effectively doing the mummy role, you'll only cause him more confusion down the line. At some point the bio mum may get more involved, and it'd be better for all of you if you make it clear you love him lots but don't encourage this. You're not his biological mum, he has one even if she's not up to much.

and to be clear, I say this just because it's best for DSS not to be confused. My family member used to call me mum all the time and I thought it was because I was super special and put a lot in, but really, it was because his mum was pants and he was a confused little boy. Go for a pet name for you.

let him call you mummy. Adults who have an issue with this are just that, adults with issues. Who should know better than to project their issues onto children. Regardless of what he calls you now, what he calls him bm, its actions that really count. When he is older, despite who the child chooses to call mum now, it will be the person who was physically and emotionally there for them that they will love. If that is you (and it sounds like it) then why deny the child that to spare the feelings of someone (bm) who is unable to put her child's needs first.

This doesn't sound like a normal stepchild situation. I would hate it if my child called anyone else 'mummy', likewise I wouldn't want my DSDs to call me 'mum' - they've got one already that they love very much.

In your case, I think it's very different. He has chosen you as his mummy, and is old enough to know that he has another mummy who is a bit (lot) crap. I would let him. 4 year-old want to feel secure, and him calling you mummy, as one of his strongest attachments, helps this.

Many years ago, I worked with a child who was in long - term foster care (and had been from a small baby). They were adopted when they were 6, and I was very involved in the process and helping them to prepare for it. It still makes me feel emotional remembering back to when we used to talk about it and watching this lovely child begin to tentatively use the words 'mum' and 'dad' that they'd never been allowed to use, and that had made them feel so different all those years. What a difference a few words made to that small child (and some lovely adoptive parents). You sound like a lovely mummy.

Everyone saying to ok, how do you know this women doesn't live separately to her partner and has been with him 3 months?

She maybe the 3rd person this year that this boy has called mum.

I don't think all the facts are there.

No, the birth mother is not his mummy. She is the woman who gave birth to him and is now so disinterested in him that she hasn't seen him for 9 - 10 weeks sbd us more interested in a violent man. That's not a mummy. I'm sure if (abd I reckon it's a very big 'if') and when she decides to be a parent the adults who really care about this wee boy can help him through that including what to call her. But right now he wants a mummy. Luckily he has one in the OP.

HE clearly feels like you are his mummy and he obviously wants to call you mummy.

I don't see what the problem is and why people are saying he shouldn't be calling you it considering the circumstances and relationship with his bio mum.

My mum moved in with someone else when I was three. I never once called him daddy or wanted to because I still seen my dad every Week for the whole weekend. I had a good dad so didn't need or want another. Doesn't sound he has that with his mother and so has decided for himself that he wants you to be his mummy.

unimaginativename13 in the original post she says something about when the little boy was much younger - that makes me think she has been involved in the situation for quite a while

Not read the whole thread yet, but if you are serious about wanting PR and actually legally becomming his mummy, then forget expensive weddings etc and go down the registry office and get hitched. Then you get moving on the legal stuff.

If you are willing to do this, then I think it is fine for him to call you mummy, because in all the ways that matter you are.