The book, Stepmonster

[Piratespoo]

My step daughter is 16 and now does not speak to me at all. Completely ignores me when she comes to our house every other weekend. (A whole other thread with loads of issues)

Anyway, I book the bought Stepmonster as recommended on here by many. I left it in the kitchen ready for when I had time to read and last weekend she took the book and started reading it.

She then texted her father saying:
" I started reading that Stepmonster book. It truly is awful! It's just a load of women wallowing in self pity for ages!!!"

Bananasinpyjamas1 and Eliza, I'm firmly with Swing here. My mother forced a 'both of us or nothing at all' approach to me regarding my step father and it was hugely damaging and she regrets it hugely now having basically missed 20 years of my life. I was deeply unhappy for a decade living with them. When I was old enough to leave home I left and never looked back. Myself and my Mum have rekindled quite a close relationship in recent years, and I am pleasant to her husband and he to me when we see each other. I haven't stood in the way of my children's relationship with him but there is so much emotional baggage there that it will never be an easy relationship between him and me and even though my Mum and I have moved on and can talk (and even joke about it now) I am probably still angry that when push came to shove my Mother chose him over me and I suspect the real reason for reaching out was the grandchildren (I'm an only child, father died very young) because they are the only ones there will be.
I always was civil to him even then, but I avoided him as much as possible when I lived at home - as a child who has been brought up to behave reasonably well you don't have many ways to fight back and perhaps at that age you also don't have the vocabulary to articulate what felt like a huge betrayal by the one person in the world I thought I could trust. I begged to be allowed to board at school but that would have been beyond her reach financially so I withdrew. There was a little bit of self harm - she never knew about that, and I kept it secret because I didn't want that to be the reason she wanted to be with me enough to give me some undivided attention away from him. I'm not telling you that for sympathy, but you have no clue what has been going on with this girl. Withdrawing was the only way I could assert any control over the situation I was being forced to be in but didn't want to be. In my case There were many reasons I didn't like him. He fought with my grandparents - he was hugely chippy about my Mother's much posher background and disapproved of everything related, meaning he disapproved of where I went to school, how I spoke, my religion, the sports I played and almost everything else about me. He too would probably say he tried his hardest to be a good step parent, and in many, many ways he did and was, but it only takes so many comments about how different my upbringing would be if I were his child before you really get the message that you are sharing a home with someone who dislikes you on a very fundamental level. Actually I;m not sure you really need valid reasons anyway. Sometimes at that of age you can be deeply unhappy for all sorts of reasons that can seem quite inconsequential later. Surely a parent would want to address those reasons?
I blame the parent far more than the step parent to be honest. I don't understand why any parent would marry someone their kids didn't like and hadn't bonded with well, even less so if the potential spouse dislikes their child. At least until the kids were grown up and left home and you could see one another independently of the disliked partner. Or when the children were really small and the step parent essentially took the role of a full parent, but for the 10 years in between I genuinely think it's just an awful situation to force a child into if they don't want to be in it (and I know that won't be a popular view here.)
If as an adult I married someone my mother really disliked I wouldn't expect her to want to have us live with her or all go on holiday together, so I don't understand why anyone would force their child into that situation.
I'm sorry for you that you are in such a difficult situation Eliza, but I'm much sorrier for your step daughter that her Dad couldn't attend a major event in her life alone for a few hours. A therapist would probably say that emotionally (when it comes to this issue) she's still stuck where she was as a confused deeply unhappy teenager who feels abandoned by her dad. It's her Dad she needs to hear from to begin to improve the situation - you contacting her would just be salt in the wound however well intentioned you are.

By the way, I'm OK with the SD choosing not to go to something if you are invited to, say, her sibling's wedding. If the sister wants to invite you to her event then that's great and it's SD's prerogative to choose not to go. That's a very different thing from her Dad declining an invitation to her graduation. I don't know how you thought that was necessary or would improve the situation?

Thank you for your comments but really, if you can't understand that I may have wanted a better outcome than this for the remainder of our lives then I feel your view can't offer anything constructive.
Sorry, you are right, I didn't get that you were actually looking still, after all this time to make it up with her, because it is obvious to me that him making a stand of not going to her graduation without you and you agreeing that it was the right thing to do is only going to make her dislike you more.

I just don't see how this statement is going to make things better in any way. Even if -which I would very much doubt- she agreed to you being invited to things she organises so that her dad can be there, all it is going to do is make her resent you even more.

This decision just makes no sense to me in the context of you trying to get her to like you. The best thing you can do to have a chance of getting there is to show her that you respect her choices, which at the moment is to have nothing to do with you. The more she lets her defense down, the more she is likely to start analysing her behaviour and maybe see that she is using you as a scapegoat of her anger.

Can you really not see that encouraging your OH not to be there at her special moment, which I expect he is doing only to support you because I would think he would have wanted to be there if it wasn't for the principle is only going to make her dislike you even more?

Sorry Emmaroos, only just now read your post. I think it is helpful to read what it feels like from the perspective of the SD.

It's interesting to have the different viewpoints. And so far, it seems largely about dad-daughter dynamic.

I don't recognise myself in the "wicked" step parent role. I didn't encourage DH to make his decision re her graduation. He told me what he was doing and has stuck to it. I think his decision was heavily influenced by his eldest daughter's graduation, a few years ago. We (as a couple) were invited and really looking forward to the day. SD's mum said she would not be going if I were there. Three days before, DHs Ex changed her mind and wanted to go but, no tickets available. I, naturally insisted that the mum use my ticket as eldest SD obviously wanted her mum there. DH was livid. His attitude was that his Ex had had 6 months to make her decision and had changed her mind knowing I would do the right thing and he would go, with Ex. After that manipulation by Ex, he stated it would never happen again. We, would not be manipulated like that.

Emmaroos, I agree. If I'm invited by lovely eldest SD then youngest SD could decide not to attend but what joy is there in that for any of us? The bride wouldn't have her sister there, I would be there under a cloud knowing it was an "either or" situation, it would back up my "Wicked Stepmother" persona as many people would say "really, Eliza should have done the decent thing and declined". And DH is again "made to choose". Support his wife whose (frankly) only crime is existing as his second wife, or be at his beloved daughter's wedding.

We have not moved....have not gone away, have never organised things and not invited youngest SD. We are here. We have reiterated over and over that she is welcome and she chooses to stay away. What, exactly, could we have done differently?

And the simple truth of it all is, their Mum had an affair. People do. She refused to give it up. They got divorced. The affair ended as the guy wouldn't leave his family so, the ExW was in her own. It wasn't long before she wanted DH back. He had someone else (not me). I came along years later. We spent 4 years travelling long distance to see each other. Took the "meeting the kids" slowly. No big shocks, no surprises, no rushed moving in. I exist. I will not and neither will DH, apologise ad infinitum, for that.

You said in your first post that you were worried that your OH would resent you if things didn't improve, why would he do so if it is his decision, and one he is happy with rather than to please you?

I really don't think you are a wicked step-mum (nothing you wrote suggests it), but I don't think you are helping matters so that it can be resolved.

My perspective of what you describe in relation to the first DD's graduation is that it seems to have ended up in a drama that didn't need to be there. So the mum first didn't want to go because you were there. That in itself can be understandable if she either dislikes you much (for whatever reason) or feels intimidated (maybe you're much more beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken, happy etc.. than her). Clearly she decided that this was a selfish attitude and changed her mind. Pity that it was too late indeed, and yes, her fault, but I feel your OH totally over-reacted assuming it was manipulation, especially if you were fine not to go anyway.

You say that the issue started 5 years ago? Does this mean that that's when you got with your OH or were things ok before? Surely if it's the latter, something happened to end up like this. As you remain still in good contact with the other, what do they say is the issue? Is there no chance you could tell her that you really want to work things out for everyone's benefit and ask to talk, just you and her?

Support his wife whose (frankly) only crime is existing as his second wife, or be at his beloved daughter's wedding.
Is it really that clear cut? Do you really believe that's what she would say (that your only fault is that you married her dad?)

swing It is certainly the case that my DHs ex resents me solely because I married her ex. Their circumstances were identical to elizas - an affair, her asking for DH to turn a blind eye, his divorcing her, the affair ending and her wanting DH back.
She's said that I was "good to her DCs " but despite that, she objected to my being in their life as DH had no right to remarry and set up a family home.

Eliza - where you and I differ is that I have embraced the Wicked stepmother mantle. If that is how I am viewed by some, then so be it. Their opinion is none of my business. I don't need to justify or defend myself to them. I am happy. I don't know whether DHs DCs will ever want to be a part of my life - but if they do, it's my choice whether they are or not.

What I've discovered is that our circumstances are not that unusual. Many DCs do this. They see their dads through their mums eyes. And sometimes, when they get older, they start to see them through their own eyes. But some don't. And there is nothing that you, or I, can do about that.

Swing I feel you want me to explain some dreadful scenario that "turned" my youngest SD. There wasn't one. It was fine for dad to have a gf, a wife was different. She was permanent, she was going nowhere. That's when the problem started. I'm sorry Swing but if you want me to say "oh well, it might have been this or that" I cannot oblige. SD objected to me and my as she called him "precious" son within a week of the marriage. It was a massive shock and we tried hard to sort it. My leaving and taking DS with me was NOT going to happen and 18 months went by of sulking, tantrums, outbursts, ignoring me, ignoring DS, lies, reading private mail. As I said unthread, DH brought me some flowers one Friday as a "happy weekend" and the stropping and sulking which ensued was unfathomable. She was 17 yrs old. It was a bunch of garage forecourt flowers and a peck on the cheek.

I'm sorry Swing, I'm not suggesting I want you to stop posting because you've a different perspective but I get the impression your suggesting that secretly, i did something to HER, not the other two....just HER. Please don't.

And his Ex DID manipulate the graduation situation. A ticket was found three weeks before when she started to think she might....just...go and she then refused it again saying she couldn't get time off work "at such short notice".

TimeforaNN. I think I need to take in more of a "bollocks to it" attitude, like you! I still care what people say/think waaaay to much!

Even if there is some 'heinous event' that your DSD perceives which has led to her actions, you can't go back in time and change it.
If your DSD is not willing to discuss it then there is nothing you can do to resolve it.

I do understand how offended your DH must be - his DD is doubting his judgement and ability to parent her. He decided you were the right person to be his wife - she disagrees. That is commonplace in teens, but usually grown out of by adulthood and I understand why he's no longer willing to accommodate it.

If you can, give this less headspace - it's not something you can influence or change.

I am not suggesting you did anything to her, and I really don't know what made you think that. What I am suggesting that maybe, something happened (maybe not a one off event, but something over time) that might explain why suddenly, your SD behaviour changed because from my experience of teenagers, they don't suddenly turned 180 degrees from like to dislike just because of a ring suddenly appearing on your hand.

What I am suggesting is that maybe (and I do say maybe) there is a reason that is very valid to her (beyond I didn't like my dad marrying you), that you and her dad are not understanding and that if that is the case, you are going nowhere to get her to accept you unless this reason is explored.

From what you've written, I don't get what it is you are looking to achieve. She is not going to start liking you just because you want her to or because she comes to realisation that unless she does, she does get a relationship with her dad. Surely it is a case of either trying to understand her perspective, and then deciding whether it is worth the compromise/efforts to work through her reasons, her to remove yourself from her all together and reassure your OH that is ok for him to have a relationship with her without you.

If her reason for not liking you is indeed nothing more than emotional support for her mum who you way wanted to get back with your OH, then do you really think there is anything you can do to take that away, and do you think that her dad making a point of not being part of the big events in her life is going to make it any better?

from my experience of teenagers, they don't suddenly turned 180 degrees from like to dislike just because of a ring suddenly appearing on your hand.

That depends on how others in the DCs life see it. As I said upthread, some DCs see their dad through the eyes of their mum or wider family members. I've met adults wracked with guilt who have only realised this later in life, when it is too late to make up those lost years with their father.

I know from personal experience and from posts on MN that a "ring on a finger" can make a big difference to an exW, particularly one who is unhappy with the consequences of her own life choices.
If elizas DSD is seeing things through her mums eyes, rather than through her own, then rejecting eliza when she married her Dad is not that surprising.

No different from my DHs DS denying to CAFCASS that he had known me for years, despite being shown photographs of birthdays and Christmases when he was a lot younger, because his mum was insistent that the marriage had only ended recently. She was proven wrong in court, but CAFCASS reported that as far as DHsDS was concerned, that was his reality.

But yes, eliza - bollocks to it, indeed! If you develop this skills to be less worried about what other people think in all aspects of your life, this will become less of an issue for you, I'm sure

They see their dads through their mums eyes. And sometimes, when they get older, they start to see them through their own eyes. But some don't. And there is nothing that you, or I, can do about that..

Time that is a very useful sentence, and one that does apply to me too.

from my experience of teenagers, they don't suddenly turned 180 degrees from like to dislike just because of a ring suddenly appearing on your hand

Actually this has been my experience, and interestingly it doesn't seem that uncommon. My older DSD went from texting me on a Wednesday saying that she was sick, I immediately went home, cleared up all the mess, gave her some TLC, drinks, cosied her up on the couch. Looked after her for 24 hours while he Dad was away. Her mother was around the corner but she didn't contact her.

On the Friday, because I asked her not to be rude about something, she had a massive go at me (I did not shout or have a go back), told me that I 'was not her mother', moved to her mums and avoided me for months.

I was quite traumatised, I don't think that is too strong a word, by that experience. A step parent is also human and a step child can have immense power to plant seeds of resentment in their fathers. Luckily, Eliza's DH has not done this and stood firm. Her DH does not seem to have withdrawn any love or affection, he is just standing up to the fact that he will not be manipulated. I'm sure if his daughter went round and was polite to his Eliza, that her DH would be happy to spend one to one time with her. Excluding his wife from major events, to drive a 'my step mum's horrible' point home, is a different matter.

Emaroos I am sorry for what you went through. I have also had tough times in my childhood being a step child. However what you describe is totally different to mine or Eliza's or Times situation. I would never have insisted to my DP that he only see his kids with me from the start. That is quite weird and probably quite controlling. But I totally disagree that a parent should just put their lives on hold and wait until their child decides 'it is OK' for them to have an adult companion. That is selfish. I split up from my child's father as a baby, would I then need to wait 20 years to have some love in my life?

No-one has to bond with a step parent and vice versa, all of us have to be respectful though and at least polite. My DSD was pretty horrible to me but I still am respectful of her need for a relationship with her father. But unfortunately, sometimes a reasonable step parent is scapegoated which puts enormous pressure on a relationship.

Thanks Time.

Thing is, because the Ex was on her own and had a series of relationships which didn't work out (long before I came along) I think it was always hoped dad would swoop back in and they would be reunited. That was never going to happen. Not because of me but because the Ex's affair had gone on for 2 yrs and DH was bereft; gutted by the deception. However, though Ex knew DH had girlfriends it was very different when one "lasted". No one wanted to tell her he'd remarried....it was just not said. Many months into our marriage, the ExW found out and took it very badly. Personally, I think DH ought to have informed her, even though the kids were teens but everyone felt she wasn't up to it. There were occasions when I was omitted from things because it might "upset" Ex and I was ok with it up to a point, because I didn't want it to adversely affect his kids. So yes, Time, that ring on the ringer was a gamechanger.

No Bananas, not 20 years, but maybe there are eight or ten years where I would suggest extreme caution over imposing someone into my child's home, yes. In my case the outcome would have been very different had I been older and less dependent on my Mum or younger and my stepfather had assumed a more parental role and been more invested in decisions about my upbringing. In most cases I think most well intentioned people can find a way of making it work for everyone involved in which case there is no issue, but as a parent I don't even have to question whether if it came down to a direct choice between the happiness of my child or myself I would choose to meet my child's needs every time. An old friend of mine recently told me she was laying off dating for a few years because it was getting to the stage where she didn't think it would be fair to impose a new 'alpha male' on her 15 year old son. She figures in 2 years he'll have his own life and if she met someone interesting her son would have left home before she would be considering moving in with anyone. She, like me experienced a complicated home set up. That didn't come from him and I think it's interesting that your first response is to label the child 'selfish'.

My Mum wasn't weird or controlling and I don't mean she never spoke to me 1:1. She was just desperately trying to create a family unit that didn't exist and not thinking enough about the fact that for the previous decade of my life everything I had known on those those Saturdays/Sundays (she worked full time) when she wanted to go for family days out were days that she and I would have spent together because we didn't see much of each other during the week. And if I didn't want to join in on the family days out then I was the selfish brat or the angry teenager. Obviously I'd deal with it very differently now, but at the time I just didn't have the ability to explain that I felt abandoned, shut out and let down. That the loneliest thing in the world was the bedroom doors closing when we all went to bed in the evening and they were together and I was alone. I know how lame that must sound to other mature adults as I type it now. The whole point is that at the time I wasn't a mature adult but those very immature feelings of loss and abandonment and anger rooted in that particular time played a big part in shaping the next 20 years of my life.

Despite sounding like a basket case here, as a result of being so isolated I learned to be very resilient and independent which are not bad things. I spent as much time as possible in school which has stood to me and I was a voracious reader at home (pre internet) which was wonderful! I had a couple of exceptionally kind teachers/lecturers/mentors over the years who probably saw more than I thought I was showing and took good care of me. In short I'm very happy and settled now so I don't feel I need sympathy, but I think Eliza's DSD still does.
I'm not defending Eliza's DSD on a rational level. It sounds as if her Mum is poisonous and possibly poisoned her. She's behaving disgracefully. It also sounds as if Eliza has done everything a reasonable rational adult would do for someone who at the end of the day is not their responsibility. However, I really, really don't think that DH is handling it well by denying his daughter his presence at her own life events without forcing Eliza on her too when she clearly isn't ready for that.
I don't believe his daughter is a vindictive cow, I think she's deeply hurt kid who has never grown up in this particular emotional area of her life. I don't know why the whole situation affected her so much more than her sister. Maybe she was closest to her dad and had the most to lose. Maybe she was close to her Mum and felt it would be a betrayal to like Eliza. Maybe her Mum made her complicit in deceiving her dad over the affairs and her guilt about that has aspected everything subsequent. Maybe something hugely traumatic and completely unrelated happened to her at the same time and she has forged an emotional link between the two that she never got past. Who knows, and from Eliza's point I get that it's not within her ability to resolve DSD's emotional issues, and apart for her (Eliza's) own sake (comfort at family events, what others think of her etc etc) she probably doesn't care that much what happens to to the stroppy immature little brat. However, I believe that her Dad should care. In most of these angst filled teenage crises (say anorexia/serious self harm etc) emotional pain is turned inwards and when the problem is identified the child usually has the unconditional support of committed parents. Angst in broken families with a step parent is more emotionally charged because there is an outward focus (in Eliza's case totally blameless) for that pain, and at least some of the adults involved do not have the same investment in the child that the parents would usually have.
It wasn't DH's fault that DSD's family broke up but he has nobody else to blame that he's needs the only decent parent his daughter has who can maybe find a way through to her and help her to become a happier better adjusted adult.
I'm not saying he should put up with overt rudeness to his wife, but when he knows his daughter is either very unhappy or genuinely unhinged how can he give up on her so easily? If there are opportunities to reassure his daughter that she's still loved even though she has behaved terribly in the past, and it is at events that would have no need for Eliza to attend or give DSD any way to disrespect Eliza in person then I don't understand why any loving Father would not take it?
My case is a bit different to Eliza's DSD because my Mum has told me that she feels terribly guilty for some of the stuff she let my stepfather say to me when I was younger. She hadn't felt guilty about the sudden loss of the time we were accustomed to spending together on our own because she had genuinely never really appreciated that it had hurt me so deeply and even now she doesn't know or need to know the full extent of how broken I was at that time.
In this case Eliza and DH are sitting pretty on the high moral ground. If anything that must make it even more difficult for DSD to come back in from the cold because in her heart she must know that they were not the ultimate cause of her unhappiness, and that focusing it on you was wrong and that's a tough climbdown.
But some of it is similar. On a purely logical level I could have have approached my Mum myself much earlier and cleared the air. I must have always known that she was hurt by my very limited presence in her life but I was so deeply entrenched in the child parent dynamic and so very hurt and angry that even when everything else in my life was resolved and happy I wasn't able to break free of this one lasting broken bit - at it's simplest (and soppiest) that took my Mum's deeper love for me and her grandchildren to keep the faith that it wasn't just about me being a selfish young adult but that there was something deeper going on and that it was worth pursuing.
I'm sorry it's taken me so much screenspace. I don't know if it helps but I thought it might give Eliza some other angles to think about.

aspected?
*affected

Thanks Emmaroos. Your situation has very definitely affected your whole life and your candid account says much about the person you are now, as a result of that upbringing.

My SD is a very outgoing, much loved, very popular, attractive young woman. She has a good degree from a top university. She is clever, well travelled and very accomplished. She is not isolated, shy, socially compromised in any way. I'll write this for the last time....DH and SD are in contact, they meet up, enjoy time together. There's love and support from dad, he NEVER falters and she is welcome here whenever she wants. This is said over and over again; has been written, texted and emailed on a regular basis over the years.

I can't say anymore. She has not been abandoned.

The problem often comes down to different stories and the kids being stuck in the middle. It is rarely the case that that when a couple separates in conflictual circumstances they will both have a very different account of it. The new partner will get the story their new partner tells them, the children usually that their resident parent tell them. In both instances it is likely to be a distortion of what really happened.

In the end those kids stuck in the middle become grown ups who make up their own mind from their own perspective just like we do and there isn't much we can do to make them see it our own way which of course we believe to be the accurate way.

I think there is no point focusing on what has led your SD to dislike you because doing so can only be used to show her that she is wrong and that's not what she will want to hear. If there is a chance that she changes her mind about how she feels about you it will be by seeing another side of you that she likes and the best way to do is by giving her space and time.

Well, space she has. And so far, five years of time.

I agree Swing, "one story's good til another's told". However, the facts, actual facts are as above. And if ever she decides that actually, Eliza's Ok, I will be here, and she will be welcome. What I have asked DH to do is not to expect me to continue in the "when will you visit, we'd love to have you with us". That's not for me to do now, under the circumstances. For DH, yes. Not for me.

Eliza I was happy, successful and socially confident.
I was also very damaged by the death of my Dad compounded by the experience with my mum's husband (I hope it is clear that I am not ascribing any of his flaws to you).
In her position I would feel very hurt if my Dad refused to come to my graduation because I didn't want my stepmother (who I don't have a relationship with) to be there too.
I don't think it any of it really has anything to do with you or anything you did and I think you know that already - you have just become the collateral damage as the focus of her hurt at whatever it is that she found so hard to cope with and the damaged relationship she has with her parents.
The question is whether there is a better way to improve the situation for all of you than her Dad's current strategy which clearly isn't making any of you particularly happy and will give rise to difficult situations at family gatherings in the future.
In my parallel (and only somewhat similar) situation things improved because my amazing Mum didn't give up on me. I don't see any way this situation improves that doesn't start with her Dad taking the initiative to explore what the source of his daughter's pain is (perhaps with professional help if he wouldn't be confident/comfortable entering into that territory himself) and trying to first repair his own relationship with his daughter. At the moment he is saying, in his own way, 'submit to my wife's important role in my life or I will withhold myself from your life, not all the time, but enough to make it hurt. What she is probably hearing is ...my wife's important role in my life which is more important than you...
Like your DSD, I saw my Mother too during the time while we were not close. I was also more civil to her husband than DSD sounds so I sucked it up and attended some gatherings with him, but I protected myself by with normal civility and I kept my distance as much as I could and there was the huge elephant in the room between myself and my Mum that was everything that had gone before, so the times we did spend together were immensely unsatisfying for both of us.
I am not saying I have all the answers. I am also not ruling out the possibility that DSD is a vile individual like her mother? but the fact that you say she seems much loved and popular in other aspects of her life makes that seem much less likely.
I hear from you that you feel you have not done anything wrong and you are angry that she has caused so much inconvenience and pain. I don't hear much compassion. Even when you are talking about her inability to cope with the situation when she was 17 you use very judgemental language (tantrums and selfishness) for a troubled teen who has witnessed her Mum's betrayal of her Dad, the break-up of her family and the imposition of a new parent figure by her Dad. I'm not saying she wasn't vile to live with, but I'm pretty sure if it were your own child behaving appallingly you would be taking the initiative and trying to resolve the issue - not indulging or giving in to him but trying to get to the root cause.
Just out of interest, if you had discovered (for example) that she had been cutting or starving herself or otherwise treating herself with the same amount of hostility she was showing to you because she was genuinely for whatever reason completely out of her depth in the emotional place she found herself at that time, would you have felt a bit more compassion for her? Would you or her Dad have approached the situation differently?
Because it seems to me that she didn't have to be taking razorblades to her thighs or scalding herself with boiling water or starving herself for anyone to see that the person her behaviour was hurting the most was her.

You also say that her Dad's decision about the graduation may have been caused by her Mum's bad behaviour previously. Nowhere do you acknowledge that it's a pretty shitty thing to punish your graduating child by refusing to attend because of her Mother's behaviour. You wash your hands of responsibility for that decision by your husband but you certainly weren't encouraging him to go from the sounds of it.
I agree with you that she should be civil to you where she finds herself in contact with you, but I also agree with Swing that neither you nor her Dad are entitled to her approval or for her to want to spend a minute longer in your company than she has to. That's not pleasant for you but it's a valid choice by her and it shouldn't be something she's punished for by her Dad.
Is it possible that your husband has been a bit out of depth with his daughter's pain/bad behaviour and that you have stood back and let him choose between you where it matters, always coming down on your side, rather than encouraging him to find solutions that might resolve the issue better?
The problem as I see you present it is that the high moral ground you so clearly feel you are on isn't delivering the universal solution you hoped for where either she comes to heel or else everyone else is prepared to shut her out because of how unreasonable she is being. I guess you can stay right there or you can try to change things. The key to that will lie with her Dad and maybe her Mum and probably with professional help. It actually has very little to do with you.
I don't think you should miss out every time there is a family occasion. I also don't think she should miss out every time and I can understand why other family members will, in the future, wonder why occasionally you don't step back sometimes.
You have a child of your own. You can tell yourself you haven't done anything wrong and in the world of normal unrelated adults I am sure you are right. The problem is that he is her Dad and she was a troubled kid and when push came to shove he gave up on his daughter and chose you.
Can you honestly, truly say that you would have made the same choice if it had been your own child causing the problem? That you would have refused to attend his graduation on your own if he had asked you not to bring DH? That you wouldn't have been trying every strategy under the sun to repair your relationship with him?

I have never, ever encouraged DH to non-attend. It has been his decision and his alone. He says he will not be manipulated by his ex-wife or anyone else, to (to use your phrase) "come to heel".

I have "stood down" many times. I was ok with it at times because it made for a more peaceful existence for his Ex and consequently and more importantly, the children. My husband decided and I agree that enough is enough. I am a compassionate person. I have tried many many different ways to resolve this but the more I tried the more I was laughed at, made fun of in public by SD as being "pathetic" and please don't use the comparison of my son, in this situation. DS is disabled and comments were made by SD about him being a "typical special needs kid", poking fun on a regular basis. However, my son knows how to behave with respect and kindness, he respects his step dad. They have their clashes from time to time but he always apologises when necessary and family life rolls on.

I think I'm done here now. I really don't want to have to defend myself any further and nothing can change the fact that we (as a couple) have tried all within our power to change the situation. some times, just sometimes we are all at the mercy of others behaviour and the behaviour is appalling. And there's no reason, really as in bullying. I think SD saw in me a person who came into the family prepared to go along with and make a genuine effort to belong, so delighted was I at the prospect of step kids. I think she saw it as a weakness and behaved so badly to see just how far I'd bend before I snapped. What she didn't expect was dad saying "please treat Eliza with kindness and respect".

That's fair enough Eliza - we are coming from very different places on this one and while I don't share your view, mine is only based on what you have shared - you have to live it.
I wasn't aware of your son's SN but they not relevant to the comparison I made - it was a question about you vs. your husband's approach to parenting and at what stage you would have refused to attend an important life event of your son's, not about your son himself.
I see this as something between SD and her Dad and I think you are pretty irrelevant to what is actually at the root of it. I can only assume that if his approach doesn't change and neither does hers you will all continue to live with things as they are now. That's sad but I wish you all well.